I am 87-year-old husband of 90-year-old wife of 62 years with dementia and am finding it almost impossible to continue residing with her. Thoughts?

Have you thought about placing her in Memory Care for a Respite?
Depending on her other conditions, although the diagnosis of dementia would probably qualify, she may qualify for Hospice. Medicare will pay for about 1 week of Respite for a person on Hospice. Generally they will place the person in a facility that they have an agreement with. Sometimes if there is room or if there needs to be some symptom management if the Hospice has a stand alone In Patient Unit they will place a patient there.
The other option would be to place her in Memory Care as a permanent resident. This is a difficult decision as I am sure you made "promises" to each other that you would never place the other in a "home". She is not the same person you made that promise to ..and you are not the same person that made the promise.
If having a caregiver some in daily for the most difficult times would help you could try that. No one can do this by themselves 24/7/365. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Accepting the fact that you can not do this any longer is the most difficult thing to admit.
Discuss with your daughter what options you have.
Respite to give you a break. (and her)
In home care with help from caregivers.
Placement in Memory Care.
And you can do any of these with the help of Hospice as well. I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I was able to if it had not been for Hospice.
Take care of yourself ((hug))

Mannyoh, first, let me congratulate you and your wife for 62 years of marriage! That, my friend, is commitment.

Your idea will be extremely expensive. You are probably correct in saying that you trigger most of her responses. But it's so damn hard to ignore dementia behaviors. After a while we become desensitized to the needs of our LO.

Depending on how advanced her disease is, she will probably resist any decisions you make that will separate you two, or, where she will feel it's demeaning to her. However, for your own health and wellbeing, you've got to do something. Maybe bringing someone in a couple hours a day rather an entire day, would be enough to give you some respite. Finding an adult day care center might work. There she will be with other seniors, engage in activities and be significantly less expensive. I think the best plan, however, would be to find a care facility where she could spent some time and you could stay in your house for a month or two.

You may want to call your local Area Agency on Aging, the Alzheimer's Assn., or state Dept. of Aging and ask for advice.

I wish you luck.

This of course could quite literally kill you. Then where would your wife be? It is time now to explore how the financial stuff would work out with having your wife placed in care, and still be able to save funds for your own care should you ever require it. I think you recognize this. Speak with your daughter first; then together explore places where your wife can be placed with your and your daughter sharing visitation. Covid-19 is not the exact right time to do this, but it can be done, so it is time to explore the posibilities, starting with speaking with family and discussing financial repercussions.

I can understand you feeling this way besides you have to take care of yourself too,i have worked with several dementia patients in the past i had one thàt i was with both husband and wife then he passed away from bone cancer. She had dementia and the family asked me if i would stay on as live in with her. I did for 3 years and it helped the family out quite a bit. The would come by once or twice a week and this worked very well with her because she could not deal a lot with change. We had a basic sçhedule set up that we went by everyday and she did great. The family knew the schedule so we had time built in there for them to come by and it would not disrupt her or upset her.

So you need to do what you need to so that you stay healthy. And most of the time that i have seen i works out better having a caregiver come in and care for them because sometimes emotions can get in the way of providing the stern care that sometimes has to be used and that way they don't get hurt or upset with their loved one.
Hope this helped. If you have any other questions you can message me
Best of luck and you will be in my prayers.

Denise

Talk to her doctor so he can organize seeing a psychiatrist. Meds often help control angry, belligerent behaviors.

I’m sorry for what you’re both going through. I’d skip the part of you temporarily moving out and go straight to a new plan for your wife now. Her doctor needs to know about the behavior issues to see if there’s any medicine to help. And she needs more care than you can provide, otherwise you wouldn’t be this frustrated. It’s okay to admit when it’s become too much. She needs memory care. Have your daughter help you look for good memory care places where your wife can live and get professional care for her needs. You’ll still be able to oversee her care. Don’t discuss this with your wife, just work on making it happen

My 2 cents worth here. First off, medications worked for my mother. Maybe she can get meds and do adult day care and it will improve, at least for awhile. Second, if she must go to assisted living or memory care, you might tell her you have to go into the hospital and she will only be there for a few weeks until you get better. Then, after a few weeks, you can tell her you're not better yet, there is some reason you can't move her back yet, etc. Pretty soon she's used to being there and may even make a friend. She needs professional care and you aren't it.

Congratulations on the 62 yrs!  Taking care of someone with dementia is not an easy task Mannyoh and there is no shame in saying you can't manage her any longer.  There are so many options for her that would help her and you live a better life.  Ask your daughter for assistance in placing your wife somewhere that she can get 24 hr care if needed.  That way you get some peace of mind knowing she is getting the care she needs and you get a break!

Take care.

Mannyoh, I am in agreement with those who suggested you deal with immediate issues first, like maybe medication for her behaviors, and looking into either adult day care or an agency in-home companion so that you and your daughter can plan only 1 move. Is your daughter going to eventually be your full-time caregiver? If this is what you are thinking, she needs to know what a commitment this will require. It may be wiser for the 2 of you to move into a care community (local to your daughter) that has continuity of care (AL, LTC, MC, hospice) all in one campus. At least you will have access to medical care, planned outings and activities and others in your peer group to socialize with -- and you can be near your wife, as she may need memory care. Moving is tiring, time-consuming and expensive. Congratulations for your 62 years together -- so sweet and rare! I wish you all the best and peace in your heart with whatever the plan ends up to be.

I’m in the same situation but I’m 67 and husband is 83. He has dementia that’s progressing rapidly. He came at me with a shovel 2 weeks ago and fists flying...again. He is now under APS(again) and in another care home(again)
I love him almost beyond life itself. But, if he isn’t living outside the home that end of life for me may be too soon. Do I want him home? YES. Is it the best for both of us? No
You need to both be in a good place so she’s cared for and you’re safe and not so stressed out you literally can’t see straight. Hardest thing I’ve EVER done
Trying to get Medicaid to pay for what I can’t is a nightmare. Get a good elder law attorney and accountant
God bless you and yours and peace on you

I like your plan, do it. That will bring Doctors on board and you need time to recover. They will assess and make recommendations but you won’t be living with the fall out. It’s sad this disease, but it’s also dangerous.

Bless your heart for trying to take care of your wife at home for this long. It surely sounds like you and your daughter need to find a more permanent solution for your wife's care. It is not safe for you to keep doing this alone.

Ask your Dr. about respite care outside the home. Then just transition her to long term care from there. This is why so often caregivers pass before the ones they are giving care to. What would happen if something happened to you.
Daughter is most likely going to have to make decision then. Would you want her to have to live with what you are living with? Would your wife? Of course not.
Now is the time. 24 hour care is a good option for now because of Covid many nursing homes not accepting new patients.

Put her in Memory care home. Stay in your home. It is going to come to that anyway, why pay someone to stay with her for 3 months and have to pay for somewhere for you to live. You at your age are not able to take care of her. I am 71 and taking care of mother 90. I can’t do it either.

Look for an elder lawyer and he can help you with medicaid and placing her in a nursing home or facility to help her. You have to take care of yourself.

The person closest to the one suffering from dementia seems to be the target of their rage, anger, frustration and argumentativeness. Take my mother (please?); she is 93+ years old and vehemently argues whatever I say. If I say black, she says white. If I agree it's white, she will then argue it's blue. Since she lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living home, I can easily limit my exposure to her, which is exactly what I do. She's very nice to everyone else, for the most part, but to me she's horrible.

When I worked as a receptionist in a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit, we had a gentleman who'd come in daily to see his wife who lived there. Well, when I tell you I cringed every time I heard her speak to him........her mouth was VILE. He brought out the very worst in her and she called him terrible names. He had no other choice but to place her in the Memory Care ALF b/c she had become too much to handle at home. He'd go by every single day to see her..........God knows how he was able to muster that strength, given how she treated him, but he did.

You should consider doing the same with your wife now. Enough is enough. You should not have to move out of your own home into a single room while she has full run of your home, carrying on 24/7. She belongs in a memory care environment with peers she can interact with. With a team of caregivers who are paid to care for her day and night. Go tour a few and see what you think.

Geaton's idea of finding an Assisted Living residence for BOTH of you isn't a bad idea, either. My mother's place has regular AL and Memory Care; you could reside in the Assisted Living wing and your wife could reside in the Memory Care wing.......that way, you could easily visit her whenever the mood struck you. Just an idea.

Even if you don't wind up placing her, just the knowledge that you have that option may relieve you of some of the horrible stress you're feeling. My heart goes out to you. I wish you strength, courage and peace, my friend. All the best.

You answered your own question but you don't see it yet. She is a wife with dementia and she is driving you insane - do you deserve that? No, of course not. Nothing is going to stop her or fix things. Why on earth would you or anyone else allow her to remain "home" and create havoc. She must be placed at once. YOU do NOT deserve this and you must get her away from you now before great harm comes to you. No one should put up with this. Please do something now.

What is the harm of trying the apartment thing. If you have the funds to do 24/7 care, be happy. Most don't. You might find you want to remain in apartment or return home for a month or so and then schedule another respite vacation.

If I/my parent financially able to even give something like this a serious thought - it would be bliss. My parent would happy with that arrangement too because it would mean not leaving home.

Go for it!

Imho, oftentimes the person closest to the diseased or ill elder is the target of their belligerent outbursts. They do not know or like (even if they're able to have that emotion) what has happened to them and the target of their dislike is the one who is the closest to them, yourself. I truly applaud you for posting and for taking such great care of your LO. You have set up a good plan of action. Kudos.

What is holding you back from finding a memory care facility for her and you stay in your home. If you feel you trigger her aggressive behavior then it isn't safe for you to be around her. I know this is a tough decision to make. And it's good you have your daughter as a support system for yourself. But financially it may be more cost effective for you to move her to where she's safe with professionals who can deal with her and you would be safe in your home. My prayers are with you as you make these decisions. God Bless.

Husband for 61 years what type of dementia does your wife have. Why you’re placing your daughter with full responsibilities for your wife. You married her for better or worse. I’m just asking who has the power of attorney. You or your daughter. Did you discuss anything with your wife concerning power of attorney is she comprehending what you saying to her.
If the wife is understanding you need to do that right away to get power of attorney because she needs to be competent and able to sign her name for power of attorney. And there’s two types of power of attorney if they didn’t tell you financial power of attorney and medical power of attorney. When in doubt you either call the Elder Law .
I do believe or if you have an attorney speak to your attorney. But my question to you is why were you using money to rent an apartment for two months to get away from your wife is being that difficult. And then you leave it for your daughter is that fair.
Since daughter is assisting You three need to get together as a family and discuss this there’s no shame in to that. Have your wife been evaluated as having Dementia / Alzheimers ? Or just Memory Lost.
If your wife also has been evaluated you can speak to her PCP they are great help with people with Alzheimer’s and Dementia and helping you arranging things for them to be either place some has some respite care. I feel since you’re moving away for two months look into respite care for her. This time she can stay at least 29 days yes it will cost you and they will evaluate her and do an assessment .
But I personally doesn’t feel it’s right for you to throw that responsibility to your daughter. We are your family so let’s talk been there done that.
Speaking of 24 hour care have you looked into that before hand. You need to make sure the people that’s coming into your home is up to par. You need to check with the Better Business Bureau on the company you would like to choose. You need to find out the prices because not all last night shift. Unless you can find yourself a 24 hour live in person for two months and that really is going to run yet but I think you’re running out on your wife. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel. Dementia and Alzheimer’s is very hard and I know that from experience .
I had mother for four years and finally got her into a nursing home and she’s been there a year already but I am not as older as you I am at 63-year-old Daughter. And along with the stories I can tell you they might be similar. So let’s talk as a family see what you can do call the PCP, Colin attorney, call Elder Law and let’s get some assistance.
lBrown, Sugar

I think a complete break for you would be a very good idea. I wouldn't say "on the verge of," as though there were some sort of moral failure about it. I'd say - long overdue!

The more conventional approach is for the person needing care to move into a facility offering short-term respite programs. Look on it as her taking a break, as well as you. Could you and your daughter do some research locally and see what's available?

Hi,
I know what you mean when you say that you feel as if your wife has pegged you as the bad guy, but, are you taking care of her with no other help? If so, don't take it personally, which is easy to tell someone, but hard to do when you are constantly being hit with hatred it seems from the person you loved. Congrats on a really long relationship with your wife, and I'm assuming you must have been a loving couple to hang onto your marriage for so long. The fact that you both have grown old together, and to a great age, tells alot. Most lose a husband or wife, and end up alone by the age of 65, so your marriage must have been a healthy and happy marriage. Now, it's not, your wife is directing her anger and negativity onto you, but that's because she is really angry at herself, those moments when she realizes she isn't right, cause her to get mad at life, and ask why has this happened to me. Do you think if she wasn't as she is now, that listening to another person tell the story you are living, to her, would her advice to that person be to remember the good, and before allowing these bad days to destroy those memories of what is left of his life, yes, he should separate himself from her. Or do you think she would say, No, you must hang in there, till death do you part. Think of what she would do if your roles were reversed, I'm assuming you wouldn't be thinking of leaving unless you know it's for the best, and after so many years with your wife, you must think pretty much alike. When you make up your mind, just remember to take the memories that make you smile with you.
Good Luck.

Lots of great advice here for you. But, as a certified, professional caregiver for seniors with Alzheimer's/Dementia, for 50 years, the best advice, in my humble opinion, would be to place her in a facility that can deal with her anger issues, the aggressiveness toward you - these can become very harmful to you, and not just in a mental way. They could also be turned on anyone you brought into home to take care of her. I have come to learn that ANYONE with this horrible disease, when they get angry enough, will have extraordinary strength - and will do something that would otherwise be impossible, and size don't matter. Example; Husband had severe dementia, weight around 160. His wife pushing 200. One morning, he was using the toilet, she walked by, said "good morning," He picked her up, threw her down the hall, she wound up with both arms broke, and required surgery on one knee. I was his caregiver, saw the entire incident. I called 911, police and all. He was removed from home that day. Did not remember anything about it.. But he had become an immediate danger to everyone, including himself. If you place her, make sure they are fully aware of her anger issues toward you, cause they will sometimes transfer it to someone else. But please, bottom line, do what feels right for you, and still be fair to her. Also, be aware if she's placed, you will lose income to cover cost for facility - more than what it would cost to bring someone in home. But she would be better taken care of in a facility. Whatever you choose, make sure you have no regrets, no sadness, - make sure you can live with your choices. Prayers...

If your resources allow, I think it's a great idea for you to take some respite time to catch up on sleep and come back on balance before you and your daughter decide on a future care plan. You'll make better decisions when rested and not taking the daily assault of your wife's dementia behaviors. It is so emotionally painful to experience a loved one's decline with this disease.

Agree with TNechie, here. I think it is a great idea, too, honestly. Sir, it is you who needs the respite. You may find that your mind clears and you and your daughter can make clear decisions after only a week or two out of the home. Consider a reasonable hotel, where you would feel a little cared for, and would not have to furnish, move much. I know I am responding on a 3-week old thread. I hope you will let us know how things went for you.

I have often wondered about “respite”. Considering how disorienting any change of surroundings can be to a dementia patient, I don’t understand how respite stays really work out for them. In a case like this, where it is just husband and wife, not a rollicking extended household that needs a break from the dementia patient...it seems very appropriate to let the ragged caregiving husband be the one to step OUT of the home for a break.