I am 62 years old. I lost my husband a year ago. My 86 year old dad says he wants to come live with me. How should I handle this?

In my opinion, no one should take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Do you have durable power of attorney (financial and medical) for your dad? If not, getting his paperwork in order - POA, living will, will - is your first step.

Help your dad sell his house and use the proceeds to pay for a unit for himself in a retirement community in Buffalo. There are plenty of retirement villages in and around Buffalo.

Your father is pressuring you and that is unfair. He may not be aware that he is taking advantage of a sensitive time in your life. Unfortunately, many old people become self-centered and unrealistic (I had to laugh at his $200 a month offer).

From North Carolina, start researching retirement villages and inquiring about units and cost. Make a list of the ones you want to visit by yourself the next time you're visiting your dad. Take your dad to tour and have lunch at the ones that make your final list.

From North Carolina, you also can make contact with a realtor in Buffalo. It's time for your dad to downsize. It's already mid-March and the best homes go up for sale early in the spring. A realtor can help you determine if that can get done this spring or to prepare for next spring. Once your dad is settled, perhaps you will feel a little less burdened and future plans for yourself may unfold more organically. Mourning and grief cannot be rushed.

You have my deepest sympathy on the devastating loss of your husband.

Jm, I'm sorry for your loss - you're starting this next chapter pretty young. I guess if there's something good in it all, it's that you are still young enough and have the health to create a good life for yourself. But it's all so new yet, and you need time. Your father's request that you uproot yourself and move is not reasonable. Equally unreasonable would be if he decided he should move in with you.

You can give him all the reasons in the world and he'll probably do "yes, but..." So keep it simple - "No, I couldn't possibly do that". You're not being selfish - you're being a functional adult.

I am, too, sorry for the loss of your husband. I have a friend whose husband passed Oct, 2018. She has not hibernated, she says he wouldn't have wanted it. She is involved in our Church. But, she is just starting to feel that she is ready to move on. But she isn't rushing it.

Just be honest and firm with Dad. Say to him " Dad you need to listen". I am sorry but you cannot come here to live. At this point I am trying to get my life together and I am sure what ever I decide I will be staying in NC. This is where my family, friends and life are. You need to make decisions concerning your care. I will be glad to come up and help you look for a nice AL. You won't have to worry about anything. You will have a nice room, 3 meals a day, activities. The house is going to get too much. You have no one to help you with it. You don't need to decide this now, but think about it.

I will give you a negative about him moving to NC. I have found with the elderly people I have known, that when children ask them to move to another state with them, the people die within the year. Yes, some have health problems but I really think moving them away from what they know is a shock to their systems. You are taking them away from what is familiar. Friends, Church their social life. One woman was moving from NJ to Vegas to be near a daughter. She had a stroke on the way and died shortly after. He is better where he is, finding the resources to help him.

Living with him you are going to be his little girl and that is how you will be treated. And, you will have to try and make a life in basically in strange place. If he lives with you, can you set boundries? Can you make him understand, your house your rules. Then its a senior caring for another senior. And then its adjusting to living with someone you haven't lived with in 40 yrs. Two adults now. Both set in their ways, him even more so.

I prayed Dad would go before Mom, he did have a number of health problems. I would never have moved him in with me, my husband wouldn't have allowed it anyway. My Dad had no respect for other peoples belongings. He was a King of his Castle and Mom catered to him. I wouldn't have. Nor would I have physically took care of him. Mom had to make him shower and change clothes. She was constantly cleaning up his accidents in the bathroom. I hate to clean and once I do I want it kept that way. I don't clean up after my husband (his Mom trained him right) and I wouldn't have cleaned up after my father. He would have been in LTC where he could tell his stories to new people. Really, he would have loved it.

So sorry about losing your husband. That is a good reason that you shouldn't consider moving your dad in with you. You are grieving! Not a good time to make life changing decisions.

Take it from me, mom lives with me since 2005, age 93, it is HARD! Don't take on that responsibility if your heart is telling you not to. Won't be good for either of you. Support him as much as you can, but don't give up your entire life for him.

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your husband!!! This has been an incredibly difficult time for you & it is hard to see what to do going forward. Take all the time you need to heal spiritually & emotionally.
Your life is still at sixes & sevens. Do not let fear, obligation or guilt make your life choices for you!!!
Tell your Dad neither of you is living with the other. Not in his house, not in your house. No waffling, no maybes, no wait & see. Just say NO!!! And keep saying NO. Keep saying NO to any situation or suggestion that is not right for you.
When the timing is right you will know when you are ready to say YES to what life is offering you.
Am sending hugs & positive vibes your way!

You already know that living with your dad would not be a good idea. You just need to learn to say "NO, that won't work for me". It doesn't mean that you are abandoning him. You have the right to live the life you want to live now - and find your way without your husband. I'm sure your plans have radically changed after the sudden loss of your husband. Take time and take care of yourself.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband.

It's only one year since your entire future was upended, through no doing of yours. Be fair to yourself. Something very like this happened to my daughter's future mother in law, eighteen months ago, and she too is still only now finding her feet again.

Look, you really DO have to put yourself first. Your whole life is still off balance. You are in no position to be somebody else's mainstay. Not now.

What would your father's plans have been if your life had not changed and he wasn't including you in them? See if you can help him pick up from there again.

But keep your own plans separate. It is early days, but have you been able to think about where YOU would like to live and what YOU would like to do?

Your later working years and early retirement are not going to be how you planned, and I'm sure losing your husband was devastating. But that doesn't mean that you can't still look forward to a different future. Please keep in touch and let us know your thoughts.