My father just passed away February 14, 2014. I stopped seeing him a couple of weeks before he died, although I did go to the nursing home with my daughter and her family. She and I were called late one afternoon and 12 hours later he was gone. I peeked in twice in the last hours of his life, but my daughter, an RN, was basically with him the whole time. My opinion is that NO ONE should be forced to see a dying parent, or to be forced or made to feel inadequate that they didn't see them. People have a right to make THEIR OWN DECISION as to whether they visit their dying parent. I have no regrets whatsoever that I did not see him more during his last weeks. BTW, I was his live-in caregiver for over seven years, so it's not that I hadn't been caring for him or did not care about him. Allow people to make their own decisions with out making them feel guilty. We all have a right to our own decision. Kathleen Plano - as far as what I think about my children visiting me if I were dying? I feel the same as I felt about my father recently. It is totally up to them whether they visit or not. It's a personal and individual decision each one has a right to make. No one should be bullied or led to believe they did the wrong thing by staying away.
I don't want the people I love there or to see me that way. Everyone is different. When daddy passed I felt horrible but I was out of state just had surgery and the airport was snowed in that town from a blizzard. The caregiver could not even be there. I paid her to be with him the whole time. It's a spiritual and very private matter. So people just cannot handle it. We all have different callings.
No, I wasn't there the night my mom died. Obviously, we knew she was on thin ice with all her health issues, but she'd had those issues for a long time. Towards the end, nothing really changed. She still enjoyed meals and she drank normally. She wasn't sleeping more, or anything. The NH staff said she was out and about in her wheelchair half the night... All that was normal. There wasn't any one thing that was strange that was going on to indicate to anyone that my mom was right there at the end. My oldest son was with her and spent time with her before she died. He saw her literally hours before. He said that she acted like she always did, no sign that death was literally going to start knocking in a couple hours... I did NOT see my mom the night she died, I had seen her a couple days before. Had I known it would be my mom's last day, I'd have been there. I knew there was a chance that she would die and I not be there, short of camping out at the facility the last 3 months of my mom's life... I'm glad, and relieved, that Sean was there at the end, even if I wasn't.
No, I don't think that anyone should be shamed for not seeing their parent right before they die, but I can't imagine that anyone wants to die alone...but really, that's what we ALL end up doing. We're born alone, we die alone. As long as people can look themselves in the mirror and feel peaceful about what they did, or didn't do, for their own reasons, and understand it, it's all good. But if someone is avoiding a parent that's dying simply because they're a coward, well, they have to live with that, too.
In general, visiting a dying or gravely ill parent is about them not the adult children. Many of these posts seem to overly focus on the adult child. Unless one is physically or psychologically unable to visit a dying parent, the focus needs to be what is best for the parent.
After a death which followed a disability of the parent, in the short run you recall their disability but in the grieving process that does pass and past happy memories become the most recalled. Accepting a parent's disability and death is normal grieving. It is not something to run away from.
Knowing you did all you could, kept faith with them, provides acceptance of the death and gratitude for the years you had them in your life.
Gee, so many varied thoughts on this topic but it seems that being with a dying loved one should be an individual's decision and that guilt trips and judgments about that decision are somewhat unfair. We are all wired differently, I think dying is intensely personal and spiritual journey. It is possible some people are okay making that journey without others around them but I've heard so many stories of people dying after someone leaves their side, maybe even just for a few moments. I guess some folks feel that the dying person feels comfort if they are not alone, but ultimately the last step, slipping from this life to another is taken alone.
My Dad and Mom divorced, Dad remarried, Mom did not. Mom has lived with me since the divorce. My Dad died 13 years ago this coming May. When I found out that Dad was having an complication from surgery, I made sure that I went to see him immediately even though it was a day's journey by car. I visited with him, laughed with him, held him close, kissed his forehead. That was 2 months before he passed. We both knew it would be the last time we would see each other. We just felt it. We talked on the phone at least 3 times a week after that, but when the doctors wanted to take his legs off up to his hips, Dad told me he was not going to do it. I told him I understood and that I loved him with all my heart; we both knew how it was going to turn out. They sent him home on hospice and he passed away 3 days later. I didn't regret the way it was handled. Dad knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. My brother wasn't able to be with Dad either. A step-daughter was with Dad when he died, she said they had prayer that morning and that he asked God to bless each one of his children and loved ones. After prayer, he just closed his eyes, smiled and then died. I have no regrets, no unfinished business, no guilt. I didn't go to Dad's funeral because it would have meant leaving Mom in her grief, I chose to stay and comfort her. Dad was already gone and I'm looking forward to seeing his smiling face again.
I don't know if this helps anyone, but it is my personal experience with losing my parent.
Yes, it is difficult. Yes, it hurts to see our parent in that condition. Yes, it reminds us brutally of our own mortality. But this is not the time to focus on how WE feel. In her mind she was and still is his mommy and he will always be her little boy. No matter that our children grow up, they are still our "babies." She needs him, to hear him, to touch him. He will eventually forget how bad she looks; it will fade and images in old photographs will erase the brief bad memory of her condition now. But he will never forgive himself if he stays away.
I just lost my mom two weeks ago and I can tell you that I saw her three times when we got the news that she was dying...my sister who lives a few states away did not make it up to see her before she passed, and she regrets it. It is not an easy thing, but tell your husband that this is a final gift for his mom that only he can give her. It will be difficult but the regret of not going will be worse.
As difficult as this might seem, I just have to say............It's not about you. If I thought for one moment, my parent would realize that I'm there, I would want to be there. Life is hard. The hard stuff is what make us stronger and builds our character. You can do this.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. So very sad. I too have 2 parents that are declining before my eyes and my mother is in nursing home. Encourage your husband to at least go see his mother and say goodbye so that he has closure and can know he did see his mom and say goodbye. None of this is easy by any means, its agonizing. All you can do is encourage him, he has to make the decision. Even if he can't stay there till she passes, encourage him to at least go one last time to see her. Death is the supreme enemy to mankind right now, and God is going to do away with it by means of Jesus Christ ransom sacrifice very, very soon. Tell your husband we said, "so very sorry for what you are experiencing."
This is the most heartbreaking thread ever. Now that I've wiped my tears, my two cents: if they were close he should try his best to visit. He can ask his doctor for a sedative which might help him get through it. My greatest regret is not being with my dad when he died. It won't happen to my mom if I can help it. She looks more like heck every day.... so do I. Maybe sadly he just doesn't have the emotional resources required. Either way he'll need your support. Good luck to you both.
btw: It isn't just a gender thing. When my mil had ovarian cancer, my husband took turns with his father spending the night with her for the last 3 very hard months of her life. His sister "could not handle it" and was no help at all.
I'm sorry, "Could not handle it" is a cop out for people who do not do their share. Nobody wants to do this. It is the RIGHT thing to do and everyone should do what they know is right. No one wants to see or remember a person that way. Reality is that we will all be there some day. That person should be aware lest they be alone when they need help and support from their family! DO THE RIGHT THING!
I am going through this exact thing right now except with a bit of a challenge. I live 2000 miles away from my Mom. My brothers and sisters all live either right near her or not far away, and they have all been there for her daily. I'm eternally grateful to them. I have in the past supported both my parents through difficult health crisis from afar as I always lived at least some distance from them. My own health is not the greatest these days as well. Nothing terminal, but a chronic illness. It makes it difficult to travel and stress makes it worse. I'm finding travel accommodations very expensive short notice, and the options are all milk run 15 hour flights or extremely costly. There has been one thing after another since January this year, and we have had extreme unforeseen expenses. Not that you can put a price on the love of a parent. You can't. I love my Mom dearly, and hate to know she is getting ready to go. My heart is breaking. I will have to lose her twice. Once when I go up to see her and have to leave knowing I will never see her again, and again when she goes. I will also have to travel again to her memorial.
Thinking of you. I think we all do the best we can. My uncle also had this struggle. It is not an easy one to work through. I think as long as you call and Skype or FaceTime, it is still being there. Sending hugs.
No, I wasn't there the night my mom died. Obviously, we knew she was on thin ice with all her health issues, but she'd had those issues for a long time. Towards the end, nothing really changed. She still enjoyed meals and she drank normally. She wasn't sleeping more, or anything. The NH staff said she was out and about in her wheelchair half the night... All that was normal. There wasn't any one thing that was strange that was going on to indicate to anyone that my mom was right there at the end. My oldest son was with her and spent time with her before she died. He saw her literally hours before. He said that she acted like she always did, no sign that death was literally going to start knocking in a couple hours... I did NOT see my mom the night she died, I had seen her a couple days before. Had I known it would be my mom's last day, I'd have been there. I knew there was a chance that she would die and I not be there, short of camping out at the facility the last 3 months of my mom's life... I'm glad, and relieved, that Sean was there at the end, even if I wasn't.
No, I don't think that anyone should be shamed for not seeing their parent right before they die, but I can't imagine that anyone wants to die alone...but really, that's what we ALL end up doing. We're born alone, we die alone. As long as people can look themselves in the mirror and feel peaceful about what they did, or didn't do, for their own reasons, and understand it, it's all good. But if someone is avoiding a parent that's dying simply because they're a coward, well, they have to live with that, too.
Unless one is physically or psychologically unable to visit a dying parent, the focus needs to be what is best for the parent.
After a death which followed a disability of the parent, in the short run you recall their disability but in the grieving process that does pass and past happy memories become the most recalled. Accepting a parent's disability and death is normal grieving. It is not something to run away from.
Knowing you did all you could, kept faith with them, provides acceptance of the death and gratitude for the years you had them in your life.
My Dad and Mom divorced, Dad remarried, Mom did not. Mom has lived with me since the divorce. My Dad died 13 years ago this coming May. When I found out that Dad was having an complication from surgery, I made sure that I went to see him immediately even though it was a day's journey by car. I visited with him, laughed with him, held him close, kissed his forehead. That was 2 months before he passed. We both knew it would be the last time we would see each other. We just felt it. We talked on the phone at least 3 times a week after that, but when the doctors wanted to take his legs off up to his hips, Dad told me he was not going to do it. I told him I understood and that I loved him with all my heart; we both knew how it was going to turn out. They sent him home on hospice and he passed away 3 days later. I didn't regret the way it was handled. Dad knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. My brother wasn't able to be with Dad either. A step-daughter was with Dad when he died, she said they had prayer that morning and that he asked God to bless each one of his children and loved ones. After prayer, he just closed his eyes, smiled and then died. I have no regrets, no unfinished business, no guilt. I didn't go to Dad's funeral because it would have meant leaving Mom in her grief, I chose to stay and comfort her. Dad was already gone and I'm looking forward to seeing his smiling face again.
I don't know if this helps anyone, but it is my personal experience with losing my parent.
" It will be difficult but the regret of not going will be worse."
I agree. I hope that he will go.
Carol
Thinking of you. I think we all do the best we can. My uncle also had this struggle. It is not an easy one to work through. I think as long as you call and Skype or FaceTime, it is still being there. Sending hugs.