Thinking of you. I think we all do the best we can. My uncle also had this struggle. It is not an easy one to work through. I think as long as you call and Skype or FaceTime, it is still being there. Sending hugs.
I am going through this exact thing right now except with a bit of a challenge. I live 2000 miles away from my Mom. My brothers and sisters all live either right near her or not far away, and they have all been there for her daily. I'm eternally grateful to them. I have in the past supported both my parents through difficult health crisis from afar as I always lived at least some distance from them. My own health is not the greatest these days as well. Nothing terminal, but a chronic illness. It makes it difficult to travel and stress makes it worse. I'm finding travel accommodations very expensive short notice, and the options are all milk run 15 hour flights or extremely costly. There has been one thing after another since January this year, and we have had extreme unforeseen expenses. Not that you can put a price on the love of a parent. You can't. I love my Mom dearly, and hate to know she is getting ready to go. My heart is breaking. I will have to lose her twice. Once when I go up to see her and have to leave knowing I will never see her again, and again when she goes. I will also have to travel again to her memorial.
I'm sorry, "Could not handle it" is a cop out for people who do not do their share. Nobody wants to do this. It is the RIGHT thing to do and everyone should do what they know is right. No one wants to see or remember a person that way. Reality is that we will all be there some day. That person should be aware lest they be alone when they need help and support from their family! DO THE RIGHT THING!
btw: It isn't just a gender thing. When my mil had ovarian cancer, my husband took turns with his father spending the night with her for the last 3 very hard months of her life. His sister "could not handle it" and was no help at all.
This is the most heartbreaking thread ever. Now that I've wiped my tears, my two cents: if they were close he should try his best to visit. He can ask his doctor for a sedative which might help him get through it. My greatest regret is not being with my dad when he died. It won't happen to my mom if I can help it. She looks more like heck every day.... so do I. Maybe sadly he just doesn't have the emotional resources required. Either way he'll need your support. Good luck to you both.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. So very sad. I too have 2 parents that are declining before my eyes and my mother is in nursing home. Encourage your husband to at least go see his mother and say goodbye so that he has closure and can know he did see his mom and say goodbye. None of this is easy by any means, its agonizing. All you can do is encourage him, he has to make the decision. Even if he can't stay there till she passes, encourage him to at least go one last time to see her. Death is the supreme enemy to mankind right now, and God is going to do away with it by means of Jesus Christ ransom sacrifice very, very soon. Tell your husband we said, "so very sorry for what you are experiencing."
As difficult as this might seem, I just have to say............It's not about you. If I thought for one moment, my parent would realize that I'm there, I would want to be there. Life is hard. The hard stuff is what make us stronger and builds our character. You can do this.
I just lost my mom two weeks ago and I can tell you that I saw her three times when we got the news that she was dying...my sister who lives a few states away did not make it up to see her before she passed, and she regrets it. It is not an easy thing, but tell your husband that this is a final gift for his mom that only he can give her. It will be difficult but the regret of not going will be worse.
Yes, it is difficult. Yes, it hurts to see our parent in that condition. Yes, it reminds us brutally of our own mortality. But this is not the time to focus on how WE feel. In her mind she was and still is his mommy and he will always be her little boy. No matter that our children grow up, they are still our "babies." She needs him, to hear him, to touch him. He will eventually forget how bad she looks; it will fade and images in old photographs will erase the brief bad memory of her condition now. But he will never forgive himself if he stays away.
Gee, so many varied thoughts on this topic but it seems that being with a dying loved one should be an individual's decision and that guilt trips and judgments about that decision are somewhat unfair. We are all wired differently, I think dying is intensely personal and spiritual journey. It is possible some people are okay making that journey without others around them but I've heard so many stories of people dying after someone leaves their side, maybe even just for a few moments. I guess some folks feel that the dying person feels comfort if they are not alone, but ultimately the last step, slipping from this life to another is taken alone.
My Dad and Mom divorced, Dad remarried, Mom did not. Mom has lived with me since the divorce. My Dad died 13 years ago this coming May. When I found out that Dad was having an complication from surgery, I made sure that I went to see him immediately even though it was a day's journey by car. I visited with him, laughed with him, held him close, kissed his forehead. That was 2 months before he passed. We both knew it would be the last time we would see each other. We just felt it. We talked on the phone at least 3 times a week after that, but when the doctors wanted to take his legs off up to his hips, Dad told me he was not going to do it. I told him I understood and that I loved him with all my heart; we both knew how it was going to turn out. They sent him home on hospice and he passed away 3 days later. I didn't regret the way it was handled. Dad knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. My brother wasn't able to be with Dad either. A step-daughter was with Dad when he died, she said they had prayer that morning and that he asked God to bless each one of his children and loved ones. After prayer, he just closed his eyes, smiled and then died. I have no regrets, no unfinished business, no guilt. I didn't go to Dad's funeral because it would have meant leaving Mom in her grief, I chose to stay and comfort her. Dad was already gone and I'm looking forward to seeing his smiling face again.
I don't know if this helps anyone, but it is my personal experience with losing my parent.
In general, visiting a dying or gravely ill parent is about them not the adult children. Many of these posts seem to overly focus on the adult child. Unless one is physically or psychologically unable to visit a dying parent, the focus needs to be what is best for the parent.
After a death which followed a disability of the parent, in the short run you recall their disability but in the grieving process that does pass and past happy memories become the most recalled. Accepting a parent's disability and death is normal grieving. It is not something to run away from.
Knowing you did all you could, kept faith with them, provides acceptance of the death and gratitude for the years you had them in your life.
No, I wasn't there the night my mom died. Obviously, we knew she was on thin ice with all her health issues, but she'd had those issues for a long time. Towards the end, nothing really changed. She still enjoyed meals and she drank normally. She wasn't sleeping more, or anything. The NH staff said she was out and about in her wheelchair half the night... All that was normal. There wasn't any one thing that was strange that was going on to indicate to anyone that my mom was right there at the end. My oldest son was with her and spent time with her before she died. He saw her literally hours before. He said that she acted like she always did, no sign that death was literally going to start knocking in a couple hours... I did NOT see my mom the night she died, I had seen her a couple days before. Had I known it would be my mom's last day, I'd have been there. I knew there was a chance that she would die and I not be there, short of camping out at the facility the last 3 months of my mom's life... I'm glad, and relieved, that Sean was there at the end, even if I wasn't.
No, I don't think that anyone should be shamed for not seeing their parent right before they die, but I can't imagine that anyone wants to die alone...but really, that's what we ALL end up doing. We're born alone, we die alone. As long as people can look themselves in the mirror and feel peaceful about what they did, or didn't do, for their own reasons, and understand it, it's all good. But if someone is avoiding a parent that's dying simply because they're a coward, well, they have to live with that, too.
I don't want the people I love there or to see me that way. Everyone is different. When daddy passed I felt horrible but I was out of state just had surgery and the airport was snowed in that town from a blizzard. The caregiver could not even be there. I paid her to be with him the whole time. It's a spiritual and very private matter. So people just cannot handle it. We all have different callings.
My father just passed away February 14, 2014. I stopped seeing him a couple of weeks before he died, although I did go to the nursing home with my daughter and her family. She and I were called late one afternoon and 12 hours later he was gone. I peeked in twice in the last hours of his life, but my daughter, an RN, was basically with him the whole time. My opinion is that NO ONE should be forced to see a dying parent, or to be forced or made to feel inadequate that they didn't see them. People have a right to make THEIR OWN DECISION as to whether they visit their dying parent. I have no regrets whatsoever that I did not see him more during his last weeks. BTW, I was his live-in caregiver for over seven years, so it's not that I hadn't been caring for him or did not care about him. Allow people to make their own decisions with out making them feel guilty. We all have a right to our own decision. Kathleen Plano - as far as what I think about my children visiting me if I were dying? I feel the same as I felt about my father recently. It is totally up to them whether they visit or not. It's a personal and individual decision each one has a right to make. No one should be bullied or led to believe they did the wrong thing by staying away.
Just file it under "for all they did for you" - now is the time to grow up (man-up) and go see her. She does not know how bad she looks. Doesn't understand why no one is around. Imagine knowing you are dying (and I believe they do) and have to be all alone. Even if at the actual time they are alone for whatever reason - just to have the peace of being with her one more time. And giving her that peace.
I would be curious to know about the ones not wishing to visit - what would their wishes be regarding their final days & whether their loved ones will come to visit them? I bring this up because I have always lived by "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". As hard as it is to be with my parents in their condition daily & esp in a NH if i am ever in one I would want my sons to visit. Now logically I know that my doing it now for dad does not mean I will have visitors but I still believe what goes around comes around. And just from the aspect of we usually give others what we would want for ourselves. It's an interesting thought to ponder.
I must be a harda** but my sister and I had to buck up and deal with it. We didn't like seeing my mom in this state but that's life. She needs him more than ever now.
Standing Alone,I agree with looking at your dying parent maskes you face your own mortality. It is so hard seeing someone who was once so strong become a shell of their former self. I am so glad I was holding my Dad's hand when he passes. My Mom went fast and unexpectedly with Dad beside her at home right after the medics got there.
Would it be helpful for him to read these posts? Maybe others experiences will help him more than just your urging? No matter what happens it is his choice and he will need comforting regardless of what he decides. So sorry for you and the family, it is just so difficult! I sat with my dad for 5 days alone and I just couldn't be there the last day, my brothers took over, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted, he was in a coma by then. Take care of yourselves, thinking of you.
I personally think this is a cop out! You could be with your mother in the good times, but come the rough time……let someone also do it. I was so mad when my mother was dying because no one came to visit her. No one chipped in to help. No one offered to give me some time to myself. My father and I did it all! Then after she was gone they all came to the funeral and said how sorry they were! I had no sympathy for their tears. It was mighty hard on me, but I was there for her as well as my own family who also needed me. Yes I saw her at her lowest point and had that indelible picture of her as she drew her last breath. It was an awful memory but a relief because she no longer had to suffer. This happened over 25 years ago and I can still picture her lying there. It never goes away. But I also have the comfort of having taken care of her when she really needed me most! I know that she was grateful and I also know that she is now t her reward in Heaven. Please don't use that "I don't want to remember her that way" excuse. It is lame and a total lie!
Although I personally believe it is important to say goodbye to parents and grandparents, it is an individual decision as to when and how to do that. I believe we all need to be sure we do not "push" our personal feeling onto our family members. Seeing a loved on die is a very hard image to get out of your head, even after the funeral homes make them look better. I really do understand someone not wanting to see thier mother "that way". On different note, my uncle suggested a closed casket for my mother (cancer weight loss) because she looked so bad. I had not planned to do that, but asked him to come early to the funeral home before viewing and see her, if he still wanted it closed we would do that. He was actually pleased to have the memory of her looking more "normal" and at peace, than his memory of her weak and dying. Best thing I ever did!
Hmmmm......interesting situation Sgvictstrom. So many people have shared such personal experiences.
What first came to mind when I read your post was that people who will say, "I'm not going to the funeral. I hate funerals." EVERYONE hates funerals. Or hospitals, "I'm not going to the hospital, I hate hospitals." EVERYONE hates hospitals.
No one wants to see their parent dying. However, if he feels that strongly about it don't shame him into going. He probably has enough emotional turmoil going on and there probably is a little voice inside him that's telling him to go but he just can't bring himself to do it.
My dad left my brother and I with my mom as she lay dying. That's what he needed to do. As far as I know he never regretted it. He kissed his wife of 40 years goodbye and went home. We never held it against him.
Please tell your husband that this isn't about him, it's about his mother. The nurturance that she needs right now trumps his feelings about seeing her in a bad state. What if God forbid something happened to you and you got ill? Will he leave because he can't see you in a sickly state? I've seen this happen in my family and it's heartbreaking to have the person you love the most, not only not reach out and help but split because they cannot handle being around sick people. In our case my family member displayed a combination of cowardliness and selfishness. In the end your husband will have to live with his decision. He will feel bad with both decisions, of going or not going ( guilt) to see his mom. It's not an easy situation but kudos to him if he chooses to go and show her he loves and cares for her. Good luck and best wishes!
This is strictly a personal choice. If seeing her gives him an indelible image of death and suffering, it can block out happier memories, and lead to a spiraling depression. We always tell people to know their own limits. We also have to respect those limits, not everybody can witness death and walk away unharmed.
Not everyone is strong enough to face this on their own, all you can do is support him in his trying time. No one wants to have to deal with this type of thing but by not seeing her before she's gone will only exaggerate his grief later. He will only punish himself more, things need to be said and comfort needed for both. Try your best to get him to realize that in the end she will be free and unfortunately this is natural. Blessings to both of you.
Then honor your husband by being supportive and if he does not want to see his mother, then he doesn't have to. He can send cards, flowers and talk on the phone if she is able, but he does not "have" to see her. Have him write down his feelings and memories of her in a journal and when he is ready, he can show it to you. Be patient and do not force him into seeing her.
Thinking of you. I think we all do the best we can. My uncle also had this struggle. It is not an easy one to work through. I think as long as you call and Skype or FaceTime, it is still being there. Sending hugs.
" It will be difficult but the regret of not going will be worse."
I agree. I hope that he will go.
Carol
My Dad and Mom divorced, Dad remarried, Mom did not. Mom has lived with me since the divorce. My Dad died 13 years ago this coming May. When I found out that Dad was having an complication from surgery, I made sure that I went to see him immediately even though it was a day's journey by car. I visited with him, laughed with him, held him close, kissed his forehead. That was 2 months before he passed. We both knew it would be the last time we would see each other. We just felt it. We talked on the phone at least 3 times a week after that, but when the doctors wanted to take his legs off up to his hips, Dad told me he was not going to do it. I told him I understood and that I loved him with all my heart; we both knew how it was going to turn out. They sent him home on hospice and he passed away 3 days later. I didn't regret the way it was handled. Dad knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. My brother wasn't able to be with Dad either. A step-daughter was with Dad when he died, she said they had prayer that morning and that he asked God to bless each one of his children and loved ones. After prayer, he just closed his eyes, smiled and then died. I have no regrets, no unfinished business, no guilt. I didn't go to Dad's funeral because it would have meant leaving Mom in her grief, I chose to stay and comfort her. Dad was already gone and I'm looking forward to seeing his smiling face again.
I don't know if this helps anyone, but it is my personal experience with losing my parent.
Unless one is physically or psychologically unable to visit a dying parent, the focus needs to be what is best for the parent.
After a death which followed a disability of the parent, in the short run you recall their disability but in the grieving process that does pass and past happy memories become the most recalled. Accepting a parent's disability and death is normal grieving. It is not something to run away from.
Knowing you did all you could, kept faith with them, provides acceptance of the death and gratitude for the years you had them in your life.
No, I wasn't there the night my mom died. Obviously, we knew she was on thin ice with all her health issues, but she'd had those issues for a long time. Towards the end, nothing really changed. She still enjoyed meals and she drank normally. She wasn't sleeping more, or anything. The NH staff said she was out and about in her wheelchair half the night... All that was normal. There wasn't any one thing that was strange that was going on to indicate to anyone that my mom was right there at the end. My oldest son was with her and spent time with her before she died. He saw her literally hours before. He said that she acted like she always did, no sign that death was literally going to start knocking in a couple hours... I did NOT see my mom the night she died, I had seen her a couple days before. Had I known it would be my mom's last day, I'd have been there. I knew there was a chance that she would die and I not be there, short of camping out at the facility the last 3 months of my mom's life... I'm glad, and relieved, that Sean was there at the end, even if I wasn't.
No, I don't think that anyone should be shamed for not seeing their parent right before they die, but I can't imagine that anyone wants to die alone...but really, that's what we ALL end up doing. We're born alone, we die alone. As long as people can look themselves in the mirror and feel peaceful about what they did, or didn't do, for their own reasons, and understand it, it's all good. But if someone is avoiding a parent that's dying simply because they're a coward, well, they have to live with that, too.
and have to be all alone. Even if at the actual time they are alone for whatever reason - just to have the peace of being with her one more time. And giving her that peace.
No matter what happens it is his choice and he will need comforting regardless of what he decides. So sorry for you and the family, it is just so difficult! I sat with my dad for 5 days alone and I just couldn't be there the last day, my brothers took over, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted, he was in a coma by then. Take care of yourselves, thinking of you.
What first came to mind when I read your post was that people who will say, "I'm not going to the funeral. I hate funerals." EVERYONE hates funerals. Or hospitals, "I'm not going to the hospital, I hate hospitals." EVERYONE hates hospitals.
No one wants to see their parent dying. However, if he feels that strongly about it don't shame him into going. He probably has enough emotional turmoil going on and there probably is a little voice inside him that's telling him to go but he just can't bring himself to do it.
My dad left my brother and I with my mom as she lay dying. That's what he needed to do. As far as I know he never regretted it. He kissed his wife of 40 years goodbye and went home. We never held it against him.