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My husband and I have been together since January of 2021, and married in March of this year. Two months after we married, my mother-in-law sent her mother-in-law (my husband's paternal grandma) to live with us after my MIL couldn't handle the responsibility anymore. My husband's father had passed away suddenly from COVID last year; prior than that, he and my MIL had cared for his mother. But now that he was gone, my MIL was burned to a crisp, and called my husband one morning, begging him to come get his grandma.



Grandma's been with us for three months now, and my husband works from home so he can serve as her primary caregiver. His grandma's on hospice care, though it doesn't seem like she'll be passing on anytime soon. A fall a few weeks ago had rendered her completely bedridden, and she now requires assistance with diapering (for some reason, the hospice nurses cannot insert a catheter into her).



My husband began showing signs of paranoid delusions after his father died; I attributed it to his drinking, and asked him to stop. He did, and his mental state seemed to improve.



But now, the paranoid delusions have returned, and are becoming a daily struggle. My husband believes that people all over town are conspiring against him (to poison him, to lock him in jail, etc), and that even his own family members are after him (that his mom sends people to "spy" on him, etc). He also believes that the television, YouTube videos, and even book covers are communicating with him. We've had many fights after he's expressed to me that he thinks I'm sending him secret messages when I talk, or slipping "digs" at him between sentences (which I haven't). I've begged him to get help, but as is the case with many paranoid folks, he has zero trust for mental health professionals.



I'm frankly exhausted and terrified at what the future holds. I know grandma needs to go somewhere else ASAP, but my husband is loyal-to-a-fault and has an iron-clad duty to care for his granny, and not "Dump her in a home" where "They'll probably kill her anyway."



I decided that if he doesn't move her to assisted living, I will, but the social worker informed me that I might not have the legal ability to, since he has POA but I do not.



It seems that the only thing I have left to do is to give my husband an ultimatum, which breaks my heart, as he is still the love of my life.

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Your husband desperately needs help for his mental health issues. There are emergency mental health acts, such as the Baker act in Florida and similar ones elsewhere. Please look into those. His paranoia and delusions likely make him unfit to care for grandma, so the concurrent step would be to communicate this to eldercare social services where you live. They can advise you. Once you bring these helpers into the picture, things will start to clear up, but it will be difficult. However, you will no longer be all alone in handling it. I’m so sorry, but you can get it done. Your first loyalty is to your husband, you already know that. I’m so sorry.
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"They're Coming to Take Me Away" comes to mind.

He does need help before this gets worse.

Do you feel safe being in the home with him?
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MavisBacon Aug 2022
I do, but I do agree that he desperately needs help
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Your husband should go for a mental health evaluation. He could have schizophrenia. I dont know how old he is but it sometimes happens in mid to late twenties. It is something he has been dealing with but his from you and may not even realize he has it.

And grandma needs to be removed from your home ASAP like yesterday. This stress is going to kill him or cause a permanemt psychotic break he may never recover from. Good luck to your husband and you.
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Your husband sounds desperately mentally ill, that’s not a harsh judgment but a sad reality. Any decisions he makes about grandma’s care, or much else, aren’t to be trusted while this rages. Please protect yourself. An ultimatum isn’t your answer, but I think getting away from this whole toxic situation is. It’s never wrong to protect yourself. I’m sorry you’re caught up in such a mess, I hope you can get away from it soon
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Your husband is not competent to make decisions for granny. Have you talked to APS and told them that your husband is not capable of caring for his grandmother in his condition. You have your hands full with him you cannot care for her too. She needs to be placed. Maybe APS will take over her care. That means the State will step in.

Husband needs a full physical. It may just be a matter of a med helping him.
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Mavis, I am so sorry that your new marriage has become so difficult so quickly. I can understand your new MIL feeling burned out and sending Grandma to you once the wedding was over. However it is also possible that she had planned this all along (possibly even with your husband), and you were set up deliberately. It might be revealing to talk to her about any discussions she had with your husband.

So soon after your wedding, there have been some happy times and you still feel that he is ‘the love of your life’. I remember many happy times with my first husband when we were young and relatively care-free, and the love I can find for him is still there after his death. But things changed, and it was not happy in the longer run. Getting out of it was what enabled me to remember the good times after the pain passed.

If your new husband has growing mental health issues, and is putting his mother and grandmother’s interests before yours so soon, you need to think about the longer term. In the meantime, try to keep your finances and belongings separate, just in case the problems can’t be resolved. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret.
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MavisBacon Aug 2022
In this case, I am certain that he didn't conspire with his mom. After my father-in-law passed, granny was living with MIL, but MIL wanted to place her in long term care, and informed the family about her choice.

My husband's brother was not having it, though, and insisted that he take care of grandma rather than have my MIL "dump her in a home." That arrangement lasted two months, until grandma fell, had a blood clot in her brain, and had to be hospitalized for two weeks, then admitted to a skilled nursing home for another two weeks. After that, my MIL resolved to let granny come back home with her, assuming that granny would be passing on soon. That arrangement lasted two weeks, until my mother-in-law couldn't take it anymore (grandma was soiling herself, refusing to wear a diaper, and being combative); that was when my MIL made that fateful call to my husband.
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Mavis, this situation has gone from bad to worse. While your husband may indeed be the love of your life, something is wrong with his health right now and has to be looked into. These paranoid delusions he's having can easily be attributed to one of the dementias, and if not, then to a mental health issue or a psychotic break like Tothill said!!!. Are you invested enough in this marriage to be his caregiver in such a situation, when there may be a decade or more of dementia/mental health issues ahead of you to deal with? I'm not saying you aren't invested.........I'm just asking you to ask YOURSELF that question, being newly married and everything.

You cannot place his grandmother in managed care if you don't hold the POA for her, I'm certain of that. He would have to make that decision and with the attitude he holds about 'dumping her in a home where they'll probably kill her anyway', that seems highly unlikely. You are facing a situation where you may be in way over your head, unfortunately.

You can certainly give your DH an ultimatum, but if he's not functioning properly mentally to begin with, he may not give you the result you seek. Then what? What is your next move? Be prepared to move out or do what you say you'll do if he doesn't place grandma, and then also tell him he MUST get seen by his doctor for a full medical and cognitive workup right away. You HAVE to know what you're dealing with here......it's imperative, in my opinion. If you are going to be faced with being his caregiver as well as grandma's, you'd better know what lies ahead. Go into this with your eyes wide open.

God bless you and give you the strength & courage you need to deal with whatever lies ahead. Best of luck.
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MavisBacon Aug 2022
Thank you; and yes, I've thought all of that through, believe me. And I'm aware that an ultimatum is putting my brand-new marriage at risk, which is why I'm so torn up about issuing one.

Thank you for being straight up with me, though, even if it's not the answer I want to hear.
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It sounds like your husband has had a psychotic break. He needs emergency mental health care immediately. It could easily have been triggered by the stress of caring for his Granny, the death of his father was another recent trauma.

You need to talk to the SW again and let them know that your husband's erratic behaviours is a safety concern to you and for his Granny. Be very clear that the situation is not SAFE.

I know getting emergency psychiatric care for a family member is very hard can take multiple professionals involvement to get him the care he needs. It took 3 weeks to get my son hospitalized in 2021. In the mean time his delusions were terrifying for him and the rest of the family.
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MavisBacon Aug 2022
How is your son doing now?
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