Husband (62) has dementia and started a new behavior. Do I continue to play along?

ask your kids or other friends or family to help you box up important and sentimental items and rent a small storage locker off site. some are very very cheap and you will have piece of mind.

I agree with adult daycare away from your home.
It's hard to know what you can store and what you can keep at home because you can't control what he's thinking. It may be frying pans and clothes being thrown out, if not pictures and documents. You can't live with nothing.
Is there any place that he can expend physical energy during the day and get the restlessness out of him? Can he volunteer at a food pantry or animal shelter?

Hi frostedflake

I received your information today. You are doing the right things. I have two suggestions.

1. If the doctor is willing to acknowledge HIPPA while testing your husband. I would suggest armed with this information you enlist the aid of an Elder Care Attorney. This attorney can help you cover yourself in the event of another stroke or worse.

2. Staying on top of all VA resources. It might be a good idea to write, call or go see the senator from your area to ask for help. It is amazing how many doors can be opened with their help.

I hope this will help. Please feel free to contact me at any time.

First, make an appointment with his neurologist because his brain is having a lot of anxiety. Secondly, hide all things you want to keep. In his mind, this "companion" might have been a lover for you and that is why he keeps tearing things up - to forget. I have no idea what goes on in the mind of one who has dementia, only that person's history and past. But, you can have him examined to see if there possibly might be another reason for this behavior. (Maybe he has a brain bleed, a tumor, something pressing on a nerve, etc.). Again, try to keep your wits about you, and do not take this behavior personally. Hang in there!

This is a strange companion that moves into the basement and soon after dies. Perhaps your father is grieving for the man, or sees himself as that man. When a person loses their memory there is a time when he knows he has lost it and takes it out on all the photographs of people he no longer recognizes. If I were him, I would be frustrated to the max too. Put yourself in his place. What would help? Would getting him outside with physical activity help drain off the anxiety?

Hi, frostedflake

I understand the situation you are in. You did not say however what is the root cause of his dementia. So I will try to help with the understanding regarding his behavior.

If he has Alzheimer’s Type Dementia it is most likely progressive not all dementia is progressive and will likely respond to different stimulus. There is a certainty though. You need, deserve and must get some help. Have you considered placing him in a structure living setting?

The financial end of placement is no longer a consideration in light of his actions. There is financial help if you are unable to or do not want to loss everything by placing him. With this information it is important for you to speak with his doctors regarding this. Destructive behavior is at times the forerunner to escalating anger or fear. No matter the cause of the dementia it is your time to take action.

If this behavior is a sudden change from the normal you maybe seeing physical changes. These changes need to be diagnosed. When you say ‘continue playing along’ I am not sure what you mean. If you are validating his remarks and behavior this can be risky behavior.

Instead of ‘playing along’ it might help you benefit more by remaining positive in your answers without lying. An example is, if he says I am looking for my pet (or uses a pet’s name) instead of telling him the pet passed away years ago, you could answer with ‘I haven’t seen him/her today but I will let you know as soon as possible.

Mirrors in your home could be his nemesis in this case. People having a progressive dementia frequent do not recognize themselves in a mirror. If this is the situation you might want to take down the mirrors or cover them in such a way as to not have a reflection. Covering the mirror as a disguised gift could be part of your answer.

What you choose to do whether placement or disguise of items in the home, talking to him in a positive manner will still help. It is very interesting that in many cases people suffering the ravages of dementia seem to always take on the emotion of the person with them. An example is your having a bad day and just want to be left alone, he would just want to be left alone. This can be demonstrated by his wandering to find this place however not really knowing where the place is or what to expect from it once he gets there.

Above all it is important that you get help interacting with him. Even the most caring wonderful person can change with dementia.

My husband was diagnoses with ALZ over 3 years ago. He is taking aricept and namenda, The dsease has progressed slowly. He still drives, goes each morning to have coffee with his friends, works out, and plays golf. So, it could be much worse. His memory is getting worse, I am accused of being responsible for every "missing" object, and he can't remember where anything. I am fortunate to be a part of a wonderful caregiver support group. I would love to find a support group for him. Any suggestions? We live in southeastern Ohio.

Have u tried a neurologist? Dementia is a neurological problem. There must be an anxiety med that could help. TG my Mom is not at this stage. The only thing she has done is tear a page out of a book to use as a bookmark. She swears she would never had done that.

I understand how you feel. My father because hypermanic and psychotic thrice at the ages of 65, 66, and 74. While in that state, he threw stuff away. I mean enough to fill his pick up truck every day. I'd come home from work and start rescuing stuff. We have a pile of building materials from 1977. I asked him why it all had to be thrown away now after it had been there for so long. He said, "It has to go. It has to go NOW!" I rescued a brand new garden hose, important papers, and the list goes on. He would rampage through a room and throw out half the things. It was pure hell so I know the feeling.

A geri-psych ward in a hospital to determine which medication (s) would work with him might be an option. They start with low doses of the most promising drug for safety's sake and monitor his behavior. The goal is to calm him without making him dopey. The psychiatrist is correct, but there is a safe way to do this if you can find a geri-psych ward with an opening. I took a friend there and it took 3 1/2 weeks, paid for by her insurance, before I was able to bring her back to her memory care apartment after she became resistant to all care. It was the answer I needed. As the dementia worsens, this stage may pass. Some good tips have been given and we all wish you the best on this journey of care.

Hello...I agree with another reply; go through all your important papers and pictures you want to save and hide them; you can purchase a filing cabinet with a key and lock it or store family pictures with relatives...go to the dollar store or garage sales where you can find many cheap items to be destroyed; collect newspapers from neighbors and put all this stuff in another room and tell him you need help with cutting this clutter up; instead of telling him no you cannot do that and then your blood pressure goes up; make it a project...hey, I am busy, can you please help me tear these items up for the garbage guy? Tell him you would appreciate his help and thank him...their minds are mixed up and we cannot understand what he is thinking or feeling; it is the caretaker that has a fit...either give him projects or the other alternative is to ask the doctor for medication that will quiet him down and he will sit and stare and that will be it...my husband does not talk the entire day and he reads the same books over and over again; at first I said hey, you read that; then I said to myself; he does not remember so leave him alone and let him read what he wants; it is like living with a stuffed animal on the chair; no comments, no moods, no discussion, no feeling, no more hugs, nothing; like emptiness taking up air space but he is my responsibility and until he needs to be placed in a nursing home if the job gets too difficult I will remain his main caregiver...then I worry who is going to take care of me!

I keep valuables in the computer room & I put a door knob that locks with a key. I have the key. Out of sight out of mind for him. Easy access for me to get things. Safe from caregivers who have been background checked, but that only works if they were caught.

When my husband began sharpening knives and scissors, I was advised to send him to an all-day adult care center. The idea was that he have socialization and added opportunity for activities he might enjoy. Is that possible in your case? It would limit the hours at home and change the direction of his thinking, perhaps.

My husband has been doing that for about 3 years. Also throwing things away. When ever things are laying around. I keep everything put away now. Papers & pictures in a file. Letters to be mailed in my purse. He even throws away his electric razor. $200.00 in the garbage I guess. I never found it. Also jewelry, rings & watches. It's very hard to keep ahead of it. Also his pills if I don't watch! I hide the scissors and razors, also the trimmers. It's all part of dementia. Hugs!

I would take the pictures and keep them under lock and key. They could never be replaced. I hope he stops doing this.

Dear frostedflake,
I don't know if you have time or finances to do this, but I would make multiple copies of photographs and letters and other things, and store the originals in a safe place. Then he could have a new "stash" to tear up each day. Perhaps in time, this would allow you to redirect to other behavior.
Are you caring for him alone?
Do you need support from others who might help him focus on other things?
Please stay in touch with us.....

I have the same issue with my MIL, and I took everything that she could use to destroy and anything that I didn't want destroyed away from her room, also I took anything that could pose a danger to her, even her fingernail clippers. She was using anything she could find as scissors or sharpener for pencils. She has a box of crayons and a coloring book, that she colors in all day.

When she does something that she isn't supposed to do, we talk with her about it and tell her no and why, this helps for a few days, and then we have the talk again.

Has he started rearranging everything yet? If you have the space available, let him have his own room, with a dresser in it, and put items that you don't mind him destroying or hiding in the room. MIL likes to fold clothes, she likes to move her knick knacks around. It is comforting to her to be able to have some control in her life.

Wow. No, you cannot just go along with this. It must be extremely hard to gather up anything that might be destroyed, but it sounds like greatly simplifying what is available and on display is necessary at this time. Do you have family nearby who could store some big containers for you?

My mother and my husband both enjoyed using the paper shredder. I asked them to help me avoid identity theft, and I did give them anything like that to shred, but I also saved junk mail for them to shred.

I almost hate to suggest giving him access to a tool he could use to be even more destructive (feeding $50 bills to the shredder makes me shudder) but if you kept it under lock when he wasn't using it under your supervision, would shredding paper be a good diversion for him at this time?

The poor dears with dementia really can't help what they are doing, and often going along with their illogic is the best approach. But you must never accept abuse or destruction of your valuable possessions.

I am surprised that the psychiatrist feels there is only medication that might help and that it is contraindicated. Ask if there is a second-best choice, without high-risk side effects.

I am so sorry that the two of you are going through this experience, and at such a young age.

I'm so sorry, frostedflake. What you are going through seems nearly impossible to live with. It seems as though you've tried nearly everything that you can do including locking up precious items, giving your husband things that he can tear up and attempting creative outlets.

I am against over medicating, but all medications have side effects. If nothing changes you are likely to be the one in the hospital. I'd talk with the doctor again about the medications and see if small amounts might at least make your husband's symptoms less severe.

Your husband must be suffering psychologically, as well. Sometimes we have to take a physical risk in order to lessen mental pain. From what you've said, your husband may fall into this category. You may want to get a second opinion to evaluate the true risk vs. the possible benefit.

Update us when you can. We are all concerned for you.
Carol

Sorry, but it posted with some missing.
Basically, help him to be rid of that feeling that he is skipping out on his duties, because that is truly the core isdue here.
Hope this helps.

First off, and I am not dictating your choice, but I never allow my mother, 68, to use any sharp objects in noo uncertain terms. We must be ever mindful of the tragic fact that our loved one has a disease which renders them incapable of being trustworthy with the activities they were previously capable. Also, and this is a grey zone, depending on lifestyle, I try not to let ANY type of tangibly destructive acts to go on very long. But as far as crafts, as long as you control the cutting, or, buy scissors designed for young children,
and figure up a magazine collage or scrapbook featuring his (former)

I am pretty much doing all that. I sure hoped it would stop or slow down when the companion died. But NO. His psychiatrist said there is medicine that could help but the side effects could be harmful or even fatal in his condition. Heart and stroke. Thank you, though

So sorry to read about your situation. Gather up everything of importance and lock it away in a storage container where hubby cannot get to the documents, photos, etc. But do keep out things that he can tear up, like junk mail, the newspaper. Hopefully this phase of his dementia will end soon. What does his primary doctor say about this?