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I've been helping my 97 year old mother-in-law for 14 years now. She lives across the street and things are rapidly deteriorating concerning her health, my health(Lupus attack, anxiety) and my marriage. Things started out ok but in the past few years rapidly deteriorating. We got a little outside help last fall, 4 hours a day, 3 days a week......that happened only after I left to help with my own Mom( Alzheimers) and dumped everything in my husband's lap concerning his Mom. With my mother-in-laws failing health the agency is asking me to step up more........they know my husband isn't( I think or does everyone think it is a women's responsibility).......we are trying to get help up to 5 days a week...4 hours a day.......the agency just told me they found a second person...thank-God. Our 2 daughters both adults with busy lives are going to try to help out with calling Nana weekly....she is extremely lonely. Our son (local adult) over seeing things when we are gone for the occassional break... which he is doing and stopping in for weekly visit as well. Our biggest problem is my MIL and my husband have always had a very disfunctional relationship, and my kids are reminding me to try to be more understanding because of that. She has turned on me now too, so unfortunately neither of us what to be around her, she is also more short with her Grandkids too. Her Aide is very nice but doesn't see the entire picture. I go over at times when the aide is with her(to exchange info on how MIL is doing...my husband has only talked I believe once when I was out of town) and my MIL will be sweet as can be to me... but by myself...can be brutal. My husband avoids her because of her nasyiness to him. My girls were calling more but cut back to once or twice a month because angry and short with them too and not real happy with her Grandson now either. The only person that seems to make her happy is her aide. She has gotten nasty with neighbors too. My MIL is very angry with us and her life(feels we can do more and she would be happy)....she feels it is our responsibility to take care of her. Some of my concerns with my MIL are: not bathing(does a sponge bath), dirty hair, staying in her PJs day after day, eatting poorly, can't reason with her(my son and son-in-laws wanted to bring a bed downstairs this weekend so she would be near the only bathroom in her house....she refused saying I don't want anything in my house moved), she is now sleeping on a loveseat.....her bedroom is upstairs(she still goes up at times), she has short term memory loss, messing up medications, unsteady gait...I could go on and on. She is an accident waiting to happen. She does not want to go to Assisted Living where I think she could still qualify...my kids think that's where she needs to be my husband wants her to stay in her home...I think another avoidance of confrontation with his Mom. On top of all this I've been dealing with my Mom(Alzheimers, way worse just had to leave Assisted Living and is now in NH) I'm losing my Mom and want.... need to be with her more(siblings helping out there). The last time(about 5 weeks ago while in seeing my Mom)...as my husband said all hell broke out here(I was gone and unknowing to us the aide needed to take a week off and my mother-in-law would take no other help)....this all developed after I had left. My husband had to take his Mom to the ER( a full day of work he missed..luckily our son works with him and did the work of both)...she thought she was dying....constipation was the diagnosis......and she has been overdosing on stool softeners ever since. Basically I feel like I'm losing my sanity, health and marriage. I still love my husband and things are ok with us as long as his mother(the Elephant in the closet as our kids say) isn't bought up to him. She wants to stay in her home until she dies...she is in generally good health(her organs..heart,etc holding up well...mind definitely starting to go and her MD sees her as living to 100 as a good possibility.....he has told me just to hang in there......my husband and him are friends and not sure my husband is honest with what is happening.......my kids this weekend told their Dad he needs to tell the MD what is going on. What should I (we)do? I'm afraid and feel guilty something horrible will happen and can we be found negligent? Money is not a problem......she could be in the best Assisted Living or Nursing Home? She does not want to spend her money...I have cleaning help lined up...won't take it but complains how her back hurts from trying to clean and complains she can't stand how dirty her house is...I won't clean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm trying to help with meals, do the MD appointments and emergencies and sociallize with her as tolerated. I'm 61 and my husband is 64......our friends and our kids think he just keeps himself as busy as he can so he doesn't have to deal with his Mom. His Dad(deceased) was the buffer for him.

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It's just so sad to me (as a total outsider looking in) that one mean, nasty old narcissistic woman can wreak such havoc on a loving, intact family such as yours. You're all jumping to her tune, trying to please her, trying to take care of her trying to respect her feelings and for what? More criticism and dysfunction at every turn. At some point I think you have to save your marriage and your relationship with your children. Step back and set some major limits on how much you'll try to "rescue" your MIL. She's still apparently competent - let her take care of herself as much as possible. If she doesn't want help, so be it. It's not worth destroying your entire family over such an ungrateful, hateful woman - who's been that way her whole adult life from what you're saying. I believe in honoring your parents but not at the expense of your own mental, physical, and marital health. Just my own two cents of course.
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Mary, First when you said your mother-in-law only cares about her aide, that makes me worry that she'll start giving her money and there won't be anything you can do about it. I hope your husband is POA, if not then make it happen. Next, she really does need to go into asst living. Those people are more than qualified to help an old lady take a shower etc. I oversee my mother-in-law's bills, living asst. meetings and general happiness, but she is a very grateful person, which makes all the difference in the world. Don't expect your beaten up husband to get back into the lions den with his mother, that isn't going to happen. And unless you want your own kids to harbor ill will towards YOU for not taking care of the obvious, get her into asst living. Tell your husband that you can't do this anymore, that it worked okay at first but not anymore. He knows very well how nasty his mother is, and ask him he wants that foisted on you and his kids. Then let him take over. He may not be hands on, but he certainly can take care of things from a distance. Tell him about my worries about his mothers money and the aide though, will ya? Good luck.
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MaryJr, I agree with the two answers. You may need to call Adult Protective Services and let them know that your mother-in-law refuses to go to Assisted Living. She needs help, but so do you. No one should have to do it all, and with your mom needing you, it is impossible to satisfy everyone and save your own sanity as well. Although your husband doesn't want to deal with his mom, he needs to do so, regardless of how she reacts. It is unfair to expect you to carry the entire load.

Giving you prayers and hugs.
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"Basically I feel like I'm losing my sanity, health and marriage. I still love my husband...things are ok with us as long as his mother...isn't bought up to him."

You might want to try marriage counseling. Seriously, just the idea of trying to add one more thing to your schedule probably sounds like a lousy idea, but maybe just asking would help hubby to realize it is more serious than he would like to admit and can't just be allowed to take its course. It sounds like grandkids are on "your" (the rational) side and maybe they could be gathered up for a family meeting, orchestrated like an intervention where everyone talks about the elephant in the room and hubby more or less has to listen instead of just avoiding reality.

As far as being afraid of being turned in for neglect, its not likely, as way too many elders do exactly as your mom does and stop at nothing to stay in control, even living worse than a homeless person on the street so they don't have to admit they can't manage any more. The powers that be realize this and the system is very much biased so that no one loses the right to make their own decisions until their legal incompetence is beyond question, which of course is sometimes way too late. You would have the option to call in Adult Protective Services, and the option to call MILs physician with what you know about how she is living, and how your husband is just not wanting not able to cope, and appeal to him as his friend to let him know that there are alternatives to just letting her deteriorate in place that can possibly be undertaken, and need to be...I would also tell the agency people about your own mom, in case they don't realize there is only one of you, and ask them point-blank if they think it is time for someone to step in and get guardianship of MIL.

Sorry you are in this spot with this and your own mom too!
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All the responses have been so helpful. I've been reading other dialogues similiar to mind and I know things I need to acknowledge now and change. None of us can fix my MIL and make things good. Boundaries need to be set up, we had them before and need to do them again and adjust as needed....as our son says Nana wants a slave and preferably one she does not have to pay. At this point 2 different aides 5 times a week, plan to go to 7 days soon.....think the idea of 2 people good for coverage as well as input as to how things are going and if things need to change(like outside placement)....that will help me and I'm sure my hubby and kids. On the days she is alone Wed. and Sunday provide dinner(that will also be socializing time and I'll take her to her monthly MD appointment.....I can manage that. Part of the problem with me is I'm afraid what other people think letting her live like this.....helps knowing this is not unusuaI and will be telling myself that me, hubby and kids are doing the best we can under the circumstances and this is her choice...My girls have told me to remind myself of this and I will. I know she does not want to give up control. I'm going away with my hubby Saturday thru Tuesday for a get away and the aides will be there for MIL all but Sunday and me or my hubby will do a quick call in that all is fine on Sunday to his Mom when no one is there(local son also out of town)......we have a neighbor who checks that her lights are on... and nothing unusual...she use to stop in and have tea with my MIL occassionally especially if we were away but my MIL got angry at her when she sugested she needed some outside help...refuses to talk with her since. Concerning my own Mom will visit when I can...aim to go for a few days every 6 to 8 weeks....I've been wanting to run to Mom when things get to crazy at home but not good idea...jump from a fire into another difficult sad situation as my girls pointed out. My kids said Mom you need a plan...I was just talking in circles, feeling panicky and my husband shutting down.......we both ended up yelling at each other.....me yelling and crying"she is not my Mother, she is your mother, I can't do this anymore" and him yelling back"what do you want me to do.... quit my job.......obviously we are not communicating very well. We are usually not screamers....we both tend to shut down and at least for me mull things over in my head and can't stop...need to start working on a knitting project and get back to exercise and yoga...that helps with the anxiety......got my self stuck and unable to think. We both want to keep our relationship intact, start doing things on our bucket list while we can...and when we are with our kids have fun and me especially not worry about Nana...we use to try to even include her in some activities but she gets upset with our choices and feels that we don't think of her. In the mountains we hoped she could sit and enjoy a change in scenery in a nice rocker at the camp while we took a hike with our kids.....we'd not leave her all day...just a few hours......that would leave her feeling slighted....so we stop taking her most places....it is also much harder as she ages. Thinking clearer and making my family...hubby, kids and Grandson my 1st priority.
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I totally agree with blannie the only reason people hurt us is because we let them! maybe there should be a law about just how much crap caregivers can take and the elders are found guilty and punished by law I don't know maybe no sweet things for six months until they behave!!!
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You've got a very good attitude now that you've seen what some other caregivers have to say. Your kids all sound extremely mature and wise - you and your husband have obviously created a very loving family. Don't let your MIL try to tear it apart. She is a sad, ornery old lady - but she's CHOOSING to behave that way. You've given her lots and lots of chances to join your family in love and she doesn't want that. She wants everyone miserable and kowtowing to her every need and whim. Set and stick to those boundaries! Good luck and keep us posted.
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Hi, I've been reading the responses to my post and trying not to cry....feel so lost. My husband has refused marriage counseling and counseling in general concerning his Mom and he does have POA. I have been to counselor for help concerning his Mom and husband basically not involved but my husband refuses to go. He has set up most of her bills to be paid by the bank(just recently) but a few my mother-in-law has the aide still make out and my MIL signs...this includes the payment to the Agency. I've told my husband we should at least be checking the account on line....he says he takes an occassional look at her checkbook and all is fine. I bought this up to my kids and they were alarmed. My husband is a very intelligent man...Ivy League educated.....not bragging.......wish his Mom could appreciate him......all she has said for years is"if I only had a daughter". We recently had a Grandson and my MIL said right infront of her son to our daughter..."why would you want a son." My daughter was horrified......no wonder he has been running from her. Right after we married(we married right after he finished his education) she and my father-in-law moved to Florida for 23 years until his Dad's death......we saw them occasionally and I found my FIL was the buffer for his son and he was a saint as my kids say. He kept the peace. She immediately moved back after his death...bought the house directly across the street from us that unfortunately went up for sale and settled in expecting to be taken care of....my kids grew up, went off to college, married, etc and here we are!!!! She informed me yesterday when I mentioned in conversation my husband and I went to bed after midnight Sat following a party....and she told me no it was later...your bedroom light was still on....I know she knows our every move but my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Creepy. My girls were in from out of town this weekend(both live 7 hours from us) and they, their brother called a family meeting with me and their Dad concerning Nana. Right now the plan is they will call more, our son will also stop in at her house once weekly, I'll cover Wednesday...MD appointments, social outting, dinner at our house or bring dinner to her, and my husband will do Sunday...at least check on her or phone call she is ok and we'll try to have her over for dinner on Sunday too. To me so much is not covered and when my kids left my husband again slipping into a miserable sad mood. We now have two differnt aides starting this coming week from the agency.....her present aide will do 3 days 4-8 PM and the other aide will do 4-8PM the other 2 days......neither are medical aides so no bathing.....primarily social interaction and some meals. We are using a National Agency for the aides...bonded(which my husband feels means his Mom won't get riped off). I really like her aide but somethings make me uncomfortable. She takes her over to her house, has introduced her to her boyfriend...he has come over to help do somethings my hubby can't find time to do...it might be all just fine, but it really bothered me when she asked me to do more and mentioned that my health was better now(had a big surgery a year ago) and my Mom was now settled in a NH. In her defense she did say this to me while we were waiting for the agency to find a second aide. The agency just happened to call me and they caught me falling apart and I told them my husband was not involved, my mother is dying(we aren't sure how long she has left, not immediate but her end of life is coming)...mod to severe Alzheimers now. They called later that day with a second aide now available starting tomorrow. My family wasn't perfect...whose is...but we were all wanted and loved.....and watching my Mom go through this awful disease is horrible for me and my siblings. Well I'll see how the additional aide works out...I'm just taking a deep breath, saying some prayers. Friends have told me it will probably take a fall, ER trip and it will be taken out of our hands concerning my MIL.
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I'm curious though what happens if APS comes out sees the bad living conditions but also that the MIL is still competent. I thought under those circumstances they couldn't force her to do anything even if she chooses to live horribly?

MaryJr, I face similar circumstances with an elder who wants to be in control at all costs and a family history of dysfunction, it is a toxic brew. Good luck to you.
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My husband is fine with me going out of town to spend time with my Mom. She lives about 6 hours away so I tend to be away 4 or 5 days at a time. My next trip will be most likely late August or early September when school starts up....a number of my local siblings are teachers or have kids in school or heading off to college....good time for me to help them out....give them a break....we all try to take turns being with my Mom a few hours each day when possible, only made possible because there are alot of us....and not all days can be covered. My husband saw my Mom for the first time in 4 years this summer, last time at our daughter's wedding.......he really liked my parents(my Dad died about 7 years ago) and my huge family and they liked him. He and my son are having a hard time seeing my Mom in such horrible shape, my daughters are handling it better. My husband's friends and our kids also think my husband is having a terrible time getting old.....says to me when he gets bad there will be a hunting accident.... My husband and I went to a baseball game tonight and I relaxed more...no conversation about MIL.... someone mentioned about my beaten up husband in this blog and I thought how true, going to think that when I feel angry at him. I've been angry at him and the whole situation and she really has made his life hell at times.....when his Dad died she told him well you never loved your father...furthest thing from the truth......when his Dad was failing our kids were middle school, HS and college, we were both working, my husband running his own business, and inspite of distance(we live in the northeast) we made it down(3x in less than 2 months leaving our kids with neighbors keeping an eye on things...horrible time) and got hospice involved....we were not there when he died...he wanted to be. My husband asked his parents not to return after that final summer because he knew his Dad was failing rapidly(dementia and physically) they went anyways....my mother-in-law had to put my FIL in a NH about six weeks after arriving in Florida. There has been so much hurt. One of my daughters told me she is finding me very angry at her Dad....she is afraid we'll end up divorced. I'm not going to be mad at my husband, I don't want to leave him over this, saw a photo of us in happier times yesterday and it made me cry, want that back......right now my kids are for just letting things play out. Her house is not real dirty, her aide does some light cleaning...vacumn, tidy bathroom and dusting and helps with laundry. My MIL is still taking laundry down to the basement as well even though we all ask her not to do that.. The aide is trying to get her to agree to the cleaning lady I have lined up for once a month...we'll see. She has fallen a few times that we are aware of but no broken bones.......she has good bone density for her age....done several years ago. I feel she will still be considered able to make her own decisions and I don't want to call Adult Protective Services about her. I'll do what we need to do with my kids ok and hopefully husband's ok too if we get to the point Assisted Living or NH are the only options and she refuses. My husband is now insisting that his Mom have help in 5 days a week 4 hours a day...hopefully she won't fight us on that..it is arranged now and she is not happy... she feels it is not necessary and he said after that we will go for 7 days....that was part of the plan at our family meeting yesterday......my kids came up with the family meeting idea....they reminded us we use to have family meeting when they were young....worked than and hopefully will work now.....feeling better.
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