My husband and I, after a year of separation, got back together. He works 7 days a week until dark and now he says he's thinking over moving home with his mom to be her caregiver. She requires a lot of things done. I'm disabled due to many health problems myself . I'm just confused on this. She has too many assets to get help.
What caused the separation?
What did you both agree on when you were reconciled?
Do you both still want the marriage to work? If the answer to that is a strong yes, then help him sort out a better plan for his mother than reliance on caregiving from a son who, with the best will in the world, just can't do the job.
You know what so often happens when a grown man's elerly "loved one" needs care.
The caregiving gets put on his woman. If he doesn't have one, he gets one.
The OP needs to have a straight and plain talk with her husband about what he really wants.
Is the reconciliation because his mother needs caregiving services or because he truly wants his marriage back?
Don't think this didn't cross my own mind briefly when I reconciled with my ex-husband. His parents are elderly. He has numerous elderly relatives also. He's a soft heart and always wants to help everyone.
We had a serious talk. We will also have a legal contract made by a lawyer stating that we will not move any family members into our home in order to be caregivers. Also, that neither one of us will relocate and move into a relative's home to provide caregiving.
We're not heartless, but we've put strict limits on what level of caregiving we are willing to help with should family be in need and for how long.
There is also a clause about babysitting and childcare, and also the "taking in" of my freeloader relatives because there's always someone who needs a place to stay. Our house is not available.
We will place our elderly family in care. We will direct family members towards social services for assistance and you find childcare. We're not paying for any of it or doing it ourselves.
My soon to be former ex-husband has seen what being a caregiving slave has done to me and we're not having it ever again.
The OP should ask her husband for a contract like what I'm having with mine. If he still wants to reconcile and save his marriage it will be for the right reasons.
Beware the mommy's boys. There's a reason Norman Bates was single.
Sorry Zippy Dee. The Norman Bates comment made me laugh.
Your husband would benefit from working out what he actually wants to do.
Is he in this marriage or not?
Helping Mother and working those hours sounds more like a wishful thinking plan to me. Also a bit like having a reason to 'run away'.
I hope you have other more supportive people around you. If not, maybe explore some counselling on your own. See what supports & services exist & start building a pathway to your own new future.
He realized that he needed to get a real job, and that once he did it would be literally him having only time to come home for a shower, if that. And the day caregiver would take over any days off. The latter had already started happening.
We would literally have no time to see each other.
You might be ok with a trial period if you are adl independent and he the breadwinner. I’d say two weeks should be plenty for him to figure out he’d rather be home with you.
I just can't see how any of this is right.
I can't even think of anything nice to say about this.
Cut your losses and when he moves out contact a lawyer and see what the lawyer says. (wait until he moves out and moves into his mothers house. It might be considered abandonment, gives you a better case in the divorce proceedings)
**ok, call me cynical**
How is your husband going to 'care for his mother' if he works 7 days a week?
Where is there TIME for your husband to be an elder's caregiver?
Where does that leave YOU in the scheme of things? Living alone after 'getting back together?'
If she has 'too many assets' financially, then she can afford to pay for help HERSELF. That's the purpose of having money; to use it in old age to pay for help. Not to rely on the government to step in and pay for what we ourselves can afford.
Do you rely on your husband to take care of you since you are 'disabled due to a lot of health problems'? If so, where does that leave you?
If your husband wants to get back together with you after a year of separation and then says he is thinking over moving in with his mother to be her caregiver, then it begs the question does he REALLY want to get back together with you?
Sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk with the man.
Best of luck!