Husband thinking about being his mother's caregiver. Any advice?

Does he want you to move into his mother's home, too? That doesn't sound like an optimal plan. Also, if you're disabled and she needs looking after and he works all day, every day...how is that going to work? Doesn't seem like he's thought his through.

Well this is a field with land mines. I definitely need more information such as:
What kind of work does your husband do 7 days until dark? When does he plan to have time to be her caregiver? What type of care does she require( transport to med. appt, shopping, cooking, cleaning, sit to stand transport, bathing, feeding, etc)?
How long have you two been back "together" and when did he decide to move in with Mom? Did he ask you to move in with Mom or is he the one moving, and if so, just where does that leave you in terms of a relationship (and BTW.... if he suggests moving her into your home............. don't do it!! you will definitely be the prime caregiver with no place to go)?

Wow! Sounds like there is allot going on here. But one of the things that comes to mind that has not been mentioned here is:
He works 7 days a week, at LEAST 10 hrs a day (so he's telling you this). I know of no trade that works these hours, not even owners of companies or salesmen. Anyway, work 7 days a week, at LEAST 10 hrs a day or his mother's assets. What would you do? Also, if he's not able to care for you with your health issues, how is he to take care of his mom with hers? Just saying

This is a very disgusting disturbing and insensitive thing to say.

Your husband wants to take care of his parent.

That is his mother.


You just don't like her, and perhaps think that your Husband needs to cater to you because you're disabled.


How about you get a caregiver for yourself??

How about you just don't get back together with your husband.

Did you get back with him because he was taking care of you?


Also, stop trying to live in your mil
household and finances. Just because she has doesn't mean that she can afford care.


If she could afford it, she's probably not comfortable with the idea of strangers coming, plus there are a lot of paid caregivers that are abusive, and negligent..some who sit on their phones all day and not doing anything..some who harm..even kill etc ...


Have a heart....that isn't solely focused on your needs only.

Let's start with the popular misconception that people have in believing that someone has 'too many assets to get help'. That is not true. A person may have too many assets to get help for free.
That's not the same thing.
I would strongly suggest that you encourage your husband into NOT moving back home to become his mother's caregiver because here is what will happen.
You and your hubs are back together (Mazel Tov to you both on the reconciliation). Your husband works seven days a week as you say.
YOU will be the one who becomes his mother's caregiver.
This forum is a good place to get put in touch with homecare options. Your MIL will have to pay for caregiving services out of her own income and assets. That is what it is for.
Do both your husband and yourself a favor and look into homecare for your MIL.

God Bless him!!! What a wonderful man. So many people are selfish and only think of themselves. He truly understands the meaning of family and being there for them when needed.

He can look into additional help caring for his mother. There are in home programs where you can have care givers to assist with her needs. If she needs financial help, there are programs that will help pay for those needs. We have a program here called IRIS that allows them to choose their own caregivers (including family). Family is usually the best way to go, because they love the one they are caring for and will make sure they get what they need.

The elephant in the room that no-one has mentioned: This ‘reconciliation’ is just an arrangement where ‘husband’ doesn’t have much to do with you except free sex when he feels like dropping in.

If he works 7 days a week..then how the heck is he gonna be a caregiver for his mother? This is a full time job in itself. I believe he has a plan to make YOU her caregiver. He is absolutely out of his mind. He needs to at minimum hire a lady caregiver to help his mother. Does she live nearby? Does your MIL walk? Can she let in caregiver to her house 🏡 ? What is extent of care she needs? She needs a Nursing Assessment.
Your husband is creating a disaster. Nothing good will come from it. If you have health problems too, it’s YOU he should be doing things for first. Hugs 🤗

Coincidentally he reconciled when he’s thinking about in home care for his mother? And coincidentally, he’s too busy to provide the care? And coincidentally, he didn’t mention hiring full-time help? But coincidentally, you’ll be there ….

Sure sounds like a lot of coincidence.

if you are not in agreement i say no. You will be separated again. If you agree, your MIL should use her many assets to hire someone to come in the home to take care of her needs including cooking. Any additions needed to your home ( chair lift, bathroom updates, etc.) should be cover by your MIL.

How does he intend to change her diapers?

How is this arrangement even feasible? And after separation, I am guessing there was some issues between two of you?
Adding another person to the mix at the best circumstances is not ideal, in your situation with husband working 7 days and you are disabled, it is recipe for disaster or divorce.
It looks to me he should hire somebody to help you even with chores, without adding Mom.

The only way this would work is if you and your husband want live separate lives. He will not be able to be her caregiver and have any time to devote to a relationship, especially working long hours to begin with. With his work schedule, he won't be able to provide her care and he won't be a partner for you.

The bigger question is why would he want to be her caregiver? If she has assets, she needs to hire help. If he insists on helping with and continues to have his commitments, walk away.

Is he taking care of Mom or her money? If she has assets his goal may be to preserve them, especially if he is the only child. Are you OK with this? It is basically a postponement of your marriage, until he can either retire or Mom dies. Does his mom even want him there? What are your needs? Do you need him as a caregiver or a partner? If he is working, and you are officially/legally reconciled, he is responsible for you or for hiring assistance for you. Is he willing to do this? Husband may be well intended and not very bright, but it sounds more like he has a plan and you aren't in on it. He needs to enlighten you, and you may have some hard decisions to make.

He wants to be called an angel and a hero for becoming her caregiver because he has NO IDEA what is involved with caregiving.
Does he understand medical jargon? Does he understand the state policies regarding Medicare, Medicaid, Palliative and Hospice Care, Power of Attorney for health and finance are 2 different things?
If you are equally in need of a caregiver then why not blend the household together, so that her assets can pay for private care for the 2 of you.
Does he do any housework at your home? Does he make meals and clean up after cooking? or are you just eating convenience unhealthy package food?
However, he has not been taking care of you will only multiple if he moves in with his mother.

Contact your State's senior services to see if they can assist with an assessment of the level of care she needs as well as yourself.
Don't assume that she has too many assets because the levels of financial need are modified annually and on a sliding scale.

This ‘ex’ makes me think of the old song that goes:
“Nice work if you can get it, and you can get it if you lie”.