I have a much older husband and he's not really "hearing" me when I talk to him. Any advice?

I read that question to my husband sitting nearby. He said 'what???' hes funny but I understand...this isn't funny. Say his name before talking to him. make sure you have eye contact....best of luck!

Thanks alot, Veronica. I took out alot of memoirs and let him go through them. I am going to focus on me in Curves. That is a good idea to not share everything lke I used to. Thanks. He has copd and heart issues and he is doing great otherwise

Franci. All the above answers are excellent and I know Jeannie Gibbs has been through the caregiving of her spouse with both dementia and BiPolar. Both of these conditions are very isolating for the sufferer and they can feel very rejected themselves so they also project their rejection onto their loved one. I have spent 50 years living beside bipolar and it can be very painful. The thing to remember is that the patient feels as bad inside themselves as they can make you feel. Try and remember the times when you did feel loved and valued and remember that this is still the case even though the evidence seems otherwise.
A medical evaluation is always a good idea especially with a history of stroke and The ideas of slowing down when you are dealing with him and filter the information that you are trying to convey. Stop telling him things that you would normally share. For example if there is a plumbing problem call the plumber and deal with it and tell him when the problem is fixed. Keep away from discussions and superflous information because he will only become confused. Don't expect him to have his problem solving skills intack, he has forgotten and just becomes frustrated and fails to understand any delails and gets angry.
As far as hearing aids are concerned. Even non demented males "forget' to put them in, so don't waste $4000 on them, if you can get them from the VA all well and good.
As he has COPD part of the problem may be decreased oxygen getting to his brain and increasing his problems.
Sadly this is the time to really take care of yourself and develop outside interests and friends.

OR, you might ask yourself if the problem is (partially) you? At age of 80, there are very few people who can follow thoughts without any trouble. Yes, cut those conversations short, do not make long speeches, wait for him to answer one question at the time and learn how to value silence! Sometimes one hug can convey more than few sentences.
Yeahhhh, you can take him to the doctor (again and again)... who will tell you he is old and demented. Though, those visits will bring more stress to your husbands world. He seems like a nice guy! Or why would you spend your life next to him despite that age difference? Just love him. Give him little more space... and, if you need a nice long conversation, join woman's club in your church! You can have so much fun there...:)

Lizann, yes, that's how I handled this with my mom. I knew it was taking her a lot longer to respond to me than it normally would, so I would just wait...sometimes I'd have to repeat the question, but I repeated it like I was asking for the first time. Yeah, it was frustrating as hell, but you realize they just can't help it. They're trying, but... It's so damn sad, this part of it. When I stood there, watching my mom have to struggle, to know she wanted to say something, to express something, but couldn't...and KNEW it, too, on some level....and seeing her fear and frustration was a nightmare. This was one of the hardest things to deal with for me in the care giver role. It doesn't matter who it is or how frustrating it is, you feel so sorry for the elderly that get to that point.

Anyway, yeah, patience is key here. Sometimes everything you do with an alz patient takes forever.

What Marksburg said for sure...

And Busy, that's awesome. :)

The advice to have him evaluated for possible brain damage is very appropriate in my view. It may be necessary for further symptoms to show up before a good diagnosis is possible, but it is not too soon to start.

My husband very suddenly developed symptoms that were later diagnosed as Lewy Body Dementia. When I say "suddenly" I mean he had a neurological evaluation in May and was found to be "normal for a man his age" and in June he had a total meltdown. (The evaluation was in connection with a sleep disorder, not for any signs of dementia.)

A few years into dementia, one test he had revealed that his memory problems involved mostly the "attentive" side -- the trouble was in taking in information, rather than retrieving it from memory. Boy, did that ring a bell with me! For months before his breakdown I had been feeling neglected because he just didn't seem to be paying attention. Even though that didn't show up on his pre-diagnosis exam, I noticed it, but just didn't know that the problem was in his brain, not in his devotion or interest in me.

It really is helpful to know (at least tentatively) what you are dealing with. I suggest the help of a behavioral neurologist and/or a geriatric psychiatrist.

Best wishes to both of you!

Any husband of 30 years or more has this affliction. I call it "Hard of Listening". The listening circuits of the brain are full, no more data can be saved.

My dad has always been the type that some things go in one ear & out the other with an um hum not unlike the staff at his home that is supposed to be caring for him. They don't have dementia & the male staff do it more often as well, they actually have the nerve to smile & nod as if they are saying yes, then you wait & they walk off ignoring you w/o doing what they nodded to. One ear & out the other, I am telling you is a male affliction of all ages.

All the above answers to the why of the problem are excellent. However, I will address how it all makes you feel, maybe. I was feeling unloved because my husbands face remained blank and he didn't comment when I mentioned any negative feeling like pain or frustration in me. I finally decided to tell him how it made me feel and to explain that if he could just say "I'm sorry" when he heard me suffering in any way, it would mean so much. It would tell me he is listening and he cares. I explained to him that "I'm sorry" didn't mean he had done anything wrong, but that he cared about how I was feeling. He got it! Now he loves to say it and then we both laugh. I feel loved again and I love him so much more and that makes patience easy.

Maybe it's just because he's a man.

;-)

No, this doesn't happen to everyone. You husband could have dementia. My husband is also 22 yrs. older than I and he does have dementia. I have to explain how things work, to what a person is really meaning to say so he can understand it. He doesn't "get" puns, and is very gullible, so keep him safe, get him diagnosed by a neurologist and then you will know more about his not "hearing" you. If he needs hearing aids and a veteran, he can receive a pair of hearing aids free every four years.

My husband had a stroke that damaged his parietal lobe - affecting his ability to speak the words (apraxia). Speech therapy was very helpful until vascular dementia started. That began his inability to communicate (aphasia). I agree with Lizann, patience in all things. Very short questions and let him work on it. You can see on his face, in his eyes if he understood you or not. We tried the written method, it did not work - his dementia was progressing too fast. For us it became a matter of me asking the question while holding his hands and watching his eyes. This became our communication - he would squeeze my hand, or nod, smile and I got my answer. It is not easy, actually heartbreaking, but it's the only way we could manage to "talk" and for me to find out what he wanted, needed and how he felt.
If your husbands difficulties are new get him to his neurologist as fast as you can.
I wish both of you the best.

There may be a speech problem however, some elderly understand what you are saying to them but it takes more time for them to process it and respond. I found asking short direct questions, than not repeating but allowing them several minutes to respond. I found repeating the question too quickly --gums up the brain. They are focusing very hard on your 1st question, repeating it interrupts their ability to formulate a response. When I waited I found I received a good response to the original question. Most of use get impatient waiting but I think waiting is the only thing that works.

If he still is able to read, writing the short question on a sheet of paper, pointing to the question (word by word) if necessary as verbally asking it may also help. However, I read it only once. Letting the elder hold the paper afterword.

Good luck.

Thank you for this question and a chance to think a bit about a diffiicult problem. Sounds so frustrating. Sometimes if there is damage from strokes we just have to do the best we can in difficult circumstances. I find that now even when my mother "hears" me she often just hears sounds without meaning. On good days I am empathetic and try to simplify what I am saying, repeat myself quite a bit, and then go for a walk or meditate a bit to help stay centered. On more difficult days I find myself repeating things, louder and louder, thinking she can't hear me. In an ideal world I would always smile, keep things clear and simple, and rely more on nonverbal cues: laughter, hugs, pats on the hand.

I see from your profile that he's had a stroke in the past. Is this a new symptom, the speech difficulty? Get him to the doctor pronto, once you've had a stroke, more strokes are more likely. Find out from the doctor/visiting nurse ehat stroke symptoms are. Take care of yourself, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this difficulty.

Fancicoffee, this is not normal at any age. He clearly has some cognitive issues that can best be diagnosed by a Neurologist. It could very likely be Parkinson's Lewy Body Dementia or some other disease of the brain. Whatever the case, you should seek immediate medical attention for him for proper diagnosis and treatment....

He may have damage in the temporal lobe, that controls speech, or in the parietal lobe where words combine with thoughts, or in the frontal lobe that controls decision making. You should definitely share this with his doctor, who can refer him to a Neurologist for further testing.