Pick and choose. My husband told me that my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. Who do I choose?

kinnella has not answered any of this , it was first posted july 19 th 2010 . so leaves me wondering who did she chose , hubby or mother ?

Thank you for checking in. I have been so busy. Mom is in a rehab center right now. Me and hubby has put everything in the past and has moved on. He has been a great help with Mom. We are no longer treating her cancer at this point because she had received some radiation but it is a stage 4 and she is very fraile. Her wishes at this point are to be kept as pain free as possible so that is what we are doing. When the rehab part is done the next stop will be home with hospice. With working and trying to maintain Mom because I don't care for these rehab's. I think the staff don't care for their patients the way I would want them to be cared for but everyone tells me that it is the way of the industry. I think is stinks. I go everyday and do as much as I can for her. I pray that God takes her soon to be with my Father and Brother so she can be happy again and no worries. I always feel your warmth. Thanks...
i just found her messages ....

I'm not sure what state your marriage is in,but I know if I were you I would most definately choose my husband. No dought in my mind. I relize you must love your mom, but her influence in your marriage is causing a major negative impact. Your marrige should always come first, and then decide as a couple how to deal with other members of your family. Hope this helped! And if your mom really cares about you,and your commitment to your husband then I'm sure she will understand why it won't work for her to stay with you guys!! Best wishes!!KB

I apologize, I just read the current events going on with your mother. I am very sorry to hear about her condition, and am so glad your husband really pitched in to help you with her at this difficult time. He must love you bunches!! Your right the industry does stink. Your a great,loving,daughter for all you do for your mom.I know she really appreciates what you do for her. Still not easy to go through.KB:)

I know this is a hard decision to make, but I think a mother comes first because just the way people think that a parent should think of their children first then their husband. I think it's the same way with the parents. Your parents you only have them once and a husband you can have as many as you want. Just the way your mom took care of you when you were small now it's time for you to take care of her....Good luck!

babyface234 I am amazed at the "throw away husband" view or marriage and that married people in their 40's, 50's and 60's think life is still all about mom and/or dad. I guess the marriage vows about forsaking all others and the whole idea of leave mom as well as dad and cleave to each other is hogwash? Sorry, I do not buy into such a throw away view nor do I believe that at some point we forsake our spouse and cleave to our parents until death do we part. Unless of course, we never left home to begin with. I heard the same sentiment expressed about children when it comes to taking care of mom because you can have more of them too on this site. Sick, Sick, Sick!

This is my first time EVER commenting in such a way. Based on my current living situation, I was drawn to all the comments in this section. My MIL came to visit us for a weekend...which lead to a month...now, it's over a year later. My MIL is 84 years old, in excellent condition (including financially). I'm for honoring and caring for her, but in our home is definitely not the answer. I so wish I could, but it is truly been a difficult year on our family. I can understand Kinnella's husband's position (Note: I don't know all the details of their situation.) I would love to have the ideal situation mentioned above where everything works out, but that is not our story. And, I'm ready to leave - not divorce, but I have to protect my children and my own sanity. I have truly been blessed and encouraged by the comments above. I pray all works out well for Kinnella.

As far as society is concerned, looking after the aged and not looking after spouses and children does not work.. Yesm the aged need to be cared for. I, at 74, am one of them. But in no way would I want my daughter, for example, to neglect her husband or children to look after me. Nor would she do that as I have not brought her up to behave in that fashion. Society is based on the family structure. That those who are able help those who are not able is good and necessary, but that should never mean abandoning your spouse and children, in my opinion. Often people do not like change and the changes that come with aging are usually not welcome. However, they are a reality that have to be faced.by those of us that survive into our senior years. In my view many households are not equipped to deal with a sick elderly relative. Dementia is a difficult disease to manage, even for trained people. For those who are able to take in and look after an elderly relative in their own home -you have my greatest admiration and respect. For those who find it is stressing your marriage, your children or yourself too much, find another alternative. They do exist and you may be surprised how well it works. Where will society be if the resources go into dealing with seniors and children are not given what they need? Think about it.

God help us all!

If we want to get philosophical, I think society (and not just ours in the US) is entering a new era that we aren't necessarily well prepared for. The average life expectancy for a girl born this month is 84 years. Since that averages in all the deaths from childhood diseases and mishaps, all the deaths from plane crashes and cancers and natural disasters, we know that many, many people will live well past 84. We have always had people in their eighties and nineties, but not in the huge numbers we are beginning to see.

That little girl born this month will be expected (on the basis of present policy and practices) to earn in about 40 years enough to support herself, raise some children, provide them with increasingly expensive higher education (hoping she's got her own college loans paid off by then) and save enough to live on for twenty to thirty years after she stops working. What?! Since about 50% of people who reach age 85 have dementia, that 40 years of earning may well have had to contribute to the care of elderly parents who can't care for themselves (and who certainly did not save enough to cover the increasingly expensive medical expenses) and then face the inability to care for herself and/or her spouse.

Oh my goodness! This will be a huge challenge to our society. While I don't doubt that we will meet the challenge in the long run, I think the road to get there will be very bumpy, as many of us can testify right now.

Agree absolutely, jeanne. It is a new problem and needs new solutions - and we are in the midst of the problems without many new solutions in sight. We each, of course, respond in our own way. Being from a long lived family - my mother is 99 and going strong even after a recent hip op with full anaesthetic - I have given some thought to my future. I worked until last year - and would have worked longer if I had not had to take time out to relocate my mother several times. In retrospect I might have handled that differently. Nonetheless, this has ensured me a decent pension, (unless the economy fails totally) and kept me active and socially connected up to retiredment. I look after my own health especially regarding what I eat ( we have met over this subject before). and also as regards staying fit by keeping reasonably active. Keeping my mind busy has never been a challenge. Being somewhat of an introvert, being socially active is a little more difficult for me, but not one that cannot be over come. Having family around to visit helps that. I work to be an agreeable visitor and to be a grandma that my grandkids want to spend time with. These are some of my solutions on an individual basis. They are in line with what organizations like AARP recommend though not gleaned from there. To me, education about how our choices affect our future is sady lacking, and though it fits best as part of a long term solution, is, I think necessary. This topic might be worthy of its own thread. I think the consequences to society of the choices that we are making now, over the issues such as the originator of this thread posted, as far reaching.

What would be a good title for such a new thread?

What I would like to see it address, cmag, is solutions to the problems that jeanne laid out so well. Maybe something about new soutions to the challenges facing a society with increasing life expectancy. jeanne - you are good with words -any interest and or ideas?

Crow, Come on! We were not advocating " throwing-away-the-husband" mentality. I was merely suggesting that he should be allowed to walk if he feels the need to get out. Notice that I did not say "Divorce" or "Formal Separation". If the husband feels that it is too much to have the elders live in the family home, then he can take a hike until such time as the elders get moved to another facility, or they are hospitalized or die, or choose to move out somewhere else. He'll be back (the husband). Life has a way of winding down and around.

N1K2R3, I think there is some confusion here. First, most of us in the recent comments are not responding to Kinnella's post from last year, but a more recent post along similar lines. Secondly, I don't know who Crow is, but if you are referring to cmagnum's comments they were directed at a specific post, not at yours. I think that post did have the flavor of husbands-are-disposable, although that poster is welcome to add further explanation.

I'll admit that threads that run 70+ posts and have a change in direction after a year can get a little confusing. It is nice to see a new question in the context of an earlier discussion, but it might be less confusing if people with similar questions start a new thread. Either way, we all muddle through.

Reminds me of slogan on a t-shirt I wished I'd ordered: If I'd known my body was going to last this long, I'd have taken better care of it!

that might be a good title for a new thread but have to add a question - hmmm???

I am so sorry you are being given an ultimatum. My former therapist would say 'get creative' or 'get curious.' Why is your husband giving you an ultimatum? Did he make attempts to change things he didn't like before issuing the ultimatum? Do you know what exactly he objects to? Perhaps the problem isn't all-or-nothing. Perhaps there are small steps that can be taken to appease him. You have been issued an ultimatum, but it is up to you whether you accept this limitation of choices or if you can come up with a third choice. Would it help to talk with your husband and set a 3-month probationary period during which you address specifics? Getting mom out of the house more? Setting aside quality time just for him? Keeping mom out of the living room at night? I don't know - just throwing out some ideas. Ultimatums are sometimes a call for attention - either someone isn't talking or someone isn't listening. Something must have changed because he must have agreed to this at some point. Why isn't he okay with it now?

i agree with waterstone- when my hubby started getting edgy i made sure mom gets up earlier and is in bed when he gets home make sure i get sitter once a week to go on dates and i dont complain to him cuz then he gets mad and wants me to make my brother who has his name on her house sell it and give me her share to help take care of her. i cant do it with a clear conscious cuz her $700 a month is more than enough to take care of her needs. so i complain to others-at least my brother i now helping out-staying the weekend so me and hubby can go camping this weekend

beta that is great - you have responded to your husband's needs and if something like that can be worked out I think it is awesome.

Jeanne, Regardless of who posts to whom, I think most of us merely comment or give suggestions to the person seeking advice or help.
Crowmagnum has been around for a long while on this site, and we appreciate his insight. He can jump in anytime and so can all of us. I do hope that Kinella has solved her problem by now.

I did not mean to imply that you shouldn't be responding to a year-old question. I was just trying to clarify that most of the recent comments were not regarding the old post, but to kerricranston, who posted a few days ago. Did I come across as saying people shouldn't jump in anytime? That was not my intention at all. I certainly don't hesitate to jump in. :)

I apologize, Jeanne. I did not think about Kerri Cranston's post. I'll go back and review that post, and perhaps have a clearer picture at what was being said.
Norene

My husband never had problems with either of my parents living with us. They let us live with them when were first starting out before we got our first home. He was very loved of my mother and loves my father. I feel very bad for the person who posted this. I think her husband is being selfish. Sorry. People may not agree with me but I think people owe it to their parents for bringing them into this world. And if you marry someone, their parents become your parents. I take a hardline on this.

I would ask him why and what you could do to compromise...marriage is always compromise. If he won't ---get to steppin!

wow I must be tired. Case in point-----I'm taking care of my dad today at this home and my husband stayed home. He understands. STuff like that infuriates me sorry. I'd do the same thing for my mother or father-in-law.

I also make time for my family and make sure their needs are not neglected. There is always a way and people always make excuses for why things can't be done...My whole thing is shut up and find a way. I'm tried of excuses from people who wash away their obligations to their parents. Do I sound bitter? maybe a little because my sister and I have taken most of the responsibility for ours over the years when there were alot of us. I'm so happy I have a supportive spouse I am blessed to have him. If people were more SELFLESS than SELFISH...the world would be a better place. It's sad that this country's cultural view shoves the elderly into the shadows while the rest of the world reveres them. I'm born and raised American and attitudes like the one described about the husband really boil my blood.

I am wondering if the background culture of the family makes a difference as to how the elderly are treated within a family. Some cultures respect people of old age whereas in the western culture, the aim seems to be that we should all try to look young so that we still have some "standing" in society - hence the existence of most of the cosmetic surgery, the cosmetics, the drugs (like Viagra) etc.

I also wonder IF an adult child DOES end up choosing a parent over a mate, that there hadn't been a lot of dissatisaction in the marriage over the years. People who are in a "good" marriage would find a solution that did not mean choosing between mate and parent. This is what kinnella and her husband and mother were able to do in the end. I hope the solution is still working for them.

I'd like to point out that from the age of 4 years, I grew up with parents and at least one grandparent in the home. I agree that culture is a big influence.

My husband would NEVER make me make that choice. He is supportive and knows I am doing what I need to do to live with myself. My mom is 92 and I know she will not be around forever. As long as I can physically take care of her I will. It's hard, I'm stressed, depressed, lonely and lost the life I had before, but I know when it is over I have not turned my back on her and she never turned her back on me. I vent, sometimes feel like hanging myself but my loving husband holds me and worries about me and keeps me going. He too had grandparents living with him when he was growing up. He took care of his mother as long as he could before the NH and he visited her every Friday night and she wasn't in the same area - she was put halfway between him and his brother so they could both visit and have the same distance. I went with him every Friday and we were just dating.
If my husband would say that I would say "don't let the door hit you on the way out".