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My husband’s dementia has progressed. Everyday there is a new change in his behavior. Recently, he started going to bed with his clothes and shoes on. Tonight, he soiled his clothes and he would still not take them off. His communication is very weak and he mostly doesn’t respond to questions. He can’t tell me why he wants his clothes on. I tried taking them off and he physically struggled to keep them on. I lost that battle! Any suggestions?
How do I handle this situation?

If his behavior is suddenly becoming much worse, he may have an infection, like a UTI. Call 911 and tell them what you've told us here and that he needs to be checked.

If he doesn't have an infection, then see if they can give him meds for his agitation. If he gets to be too much for you, you will need to consider hiring in-home aids or transition him into a facility for both of your sakes. I'm so sorry you have to endure this situation. May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions. Please take care of your self and not just him.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MAYDAY Sep 3, 2026
UTI's CAN REALLY DO A NUMBER ON THE BRAIN!

Get that checked now.. do not hesitate..

it's not a fun infection.
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Maybe, perhaps, somewhere in his mind, he knows he had an "accident ".

maybe he feels a bit self conscious (?)

maybe, and I'm sure, you have tried everything under the sun, tell him it's okay, he will feel more comfortable after he is clean...

Maybe be strict?;
YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T GO TO BED WITH DIRTY CLOTHES AND SHOES. TAKE THEM OFF NOW, PLEASE! That is not allowed?"

ask him if he wants to remove his clothes himself..

this disease, and it's not JUST THIS DISEASE, it's every disease that affects the brain, the blood that infects the brain, the accidents all the accumulated accidents from years past, the cancers, csn really mess up s persons thinking, and the operations and anesthesia that goes along with operations to fix one thing or another..,brainwork's, etc... I am sorry your are going through this..

try to be calm. Maybe pull
out nice clean ones and say LOOK HIW COMFY THESE ARE!!
Want to try these on?
Do you have skin rash ointment?
abriform pull-ups or tabbed disposables are good.,

my hubs did everything opposite of what I said..
STAND UP.
No!

SIT DOWN:
No!

what are you going to do? You said no to both.

LAY DIWN: No..

😟

sometimes you just let them stew..
I walked out of the room.,,

there were no other possible positions to get him to go to bed.. or whatever the situation was.. I blocked it out..

it's been a while...😥
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Jsaada5757 Sep 3, 2026
Oh I’m sooo sorry. Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Everything is NO! I’ve tried most of your suggestions but I think they are worth revisiting. The “strict” version definitely didn’t work. When I kept insisting he take off his clothes he looked at me with his face set and said, “Stop!” Something in his voice told me to listen. I walked out of the room. I’m learning to pic my battles.

It has been a long journey. It seems every day now is a new challenge. This man is my best friend and the love of my life. He keeps me on my toes! Still, I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s home and that’s a blessing.

You hang in there. Take care of yourself.
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I just read on a post you wrote last year.
Call his palliative care neurologist if he is still around..
See what he says..
Your hubby seemed to have outbursts..you don't want to trigger those...
I know you cannot leave him in soiled clothes too long.. if he doesn't cooperate tomorrow, get help.
🙏
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Jsaada5757 Sep 3, 2026
Thanks. I have an appointment with his palliative care neurologist this afternoon.
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I’m sorry this is happening and really hope you’re not trying to handle this on your own. It’s become too much for any one person. He likely needs medication to calm his agitation and you need helpers if you don’t already have them
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Jsaada5757 36 min ago
Thanks. I do have Xanax. I can give him half a pill. I am definitely going to look for help for bathing.
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Can you care for him much longer? Think long and hard about this.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Jsaada5757 37 min ago
As long as I can. Thanks
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Every personal care for my husband with brain damage is a wrestling match I have to win. Washing his face or body, trimming beard or hair, trimming nails, changing a diaper; it's always a fight. Except clothing on and off, for which which he's oddly cooperative.

When you say his clothes are soiled, do you mean they had urine or feces in them?

If the clothing is relatively clean, I would let him sleep however he wants. That is a battle I would not take on. However, if his clothing or his body is dirty and unhealthy, prepare for the fight. You can try and be comforting and soothing with him, (think of trying to help an injured wild animal) and you may need help. If you can hire an experienced personal care aide to help you physically wrestle him out of his clothes and get him cleaned up, of course as gently to him as you can manage, it still needs to be done.

Tell him, without asking, that it's time for a shower, and change into pajamas. Have some nice, comfy pajamas laying out for him. Lead him into the shower, turn it on for him, help him undress, and be ready to assist as he gets cleaned, dried off and re-dressed. Maintain a calm, pleasant demeanor. If he senses you are angry, frustrated or combative or are forcing him to do something, he will likely refuse. It's instinctive to fight back when we feel powerless and feel forced into doing something.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Jsaada5757 38 min ago
Great advice! Very helpful! Thank you so much!
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I went through this exact same thing with my husband. His doctor prescribed medicine to calm him before bath time and other stressful parts of our day. I'm not a professional caregiver and it wasn't easy to get the dose right. If I overmedicated, it increased his risk for falls. If I undermedicated, he wouldn't comply and was still at a risk for falls. Not only that, but he became a two-person assist due to his punching and grabbing my hands to immobilize them. That wasn't safe for me.

Now that he's at Stage 7 in memory care, he has a team to assist. It takes three people for showering, and they get the med dosage right. It leaves him pleasantly sleepy for the rest of the day, so he usually has a nap afterward.

As for clothes, he put them on backwards, inside out, put pants on his head and shirts on his legs. Dressing him might take an hour and a half if he was contentious. There was no point in debating this. He didn't understand. Sometimes our wardrobe sessions would end with both of us in tears.

I wish you luck. Keep in mind that though you want him at home with you, it may not continue to be the best care for him. He's the one with the dire need for specialized care, and he needs to be in a situation where he is sure to get it.
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Jsaada5757 40 min ago
Excellent advice. I appreciate your wisdom and compassion.
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Does he still know you and that you are his wife? I'm wondering if this might be a reason for his sudden feeling of modesty.
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Jsaada5757 41 min ago
He knows!
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Oddities around clothing seems near universal with dementia once they get to a certain stage, sad to say.

My father had FTD and went through phases of never wanting to change his clothes (or shower) and also wearing a heavy parka and woolly hat at all times, even inside or when it was very hot— and another phase where he kept stripping off from the waist down and walking around that way. He never tried to go to bed with his shoes on. Ugh. He also refused to brush his teeth or wash his hands or shower.

A male aide had marginally better success getting him to comply with changing his clothes and shower than my mom or I ever did. His hygiene became dreadful and at one point, my mom was told to take away all his regular underwear and provide only Depends. But he hated them and would just go “commando” (nothing under his usually filthy sweatpants) or naked from the waist down. My mom tried bargaining with him and saying he could not watch a movie unless the Depends were on. It worked sometimes. I know there are anti-strip suits but my mother was never willing to go there.

My mom was instructed to use Lysol wipes on everything he touched.

Best wishes to you — caring for someone with dementia is so tough. I agree with some of the comments below. It may be time to consider placement as he could become even harder to handle and it will take a big toll on you.
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Beedevil66 10 hours ago
He probably thought wife had seen him naked before, so no big deal
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A 'normal' advice is to take away 'normal' underwear completely and replace it with depends. Why not?
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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A 'normal' advice is to take away 'normal' underwear completely and replace it with depends. Why not?
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Jsaada5757 32 min ago
He only soils himself periodically and he will leave the depends on too long till the fall apart and make a mess. I do use them when he’s having accidents more often due to illness.
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Thank you to everyone for your wisdom. I found a lot of good information in your posts.
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