My husband is his father's caregiver. How has anyone on here coped with an absent spouse?

Take a step back and a few very deep breaths.

You're right. Three years of this is more than enough, it's ridiculous. And let me be cool and dispassionate about it: what is ridiculous is the notion that a man in full-time work can provide adequate care for a family member as ill and so at risk as your FIL is.

So setting aside your husband's responsibilities to you, he CANNOT responsibly continue to enable your FIL's refusal to accept additional support. It is dangerous and foolhardy.

Support your husband in finding a placement for his father. You can help by researching what's available, visiting possible facilities, finding out what the costs would be, that sort of thing. You can also look for allies: your family doctor, social workers, those involved in the hospital admissions, for example.

Proceed on the assumption that this is a done deal: you are looking for a place, and FIL's consent will eventually be forthcoming whether he likes it or not. Once you have identified a shortlist, you can then work on helping your husband to withdraw his support, which will be easier for your husband if there is a clear, definite alternative care plan.

Try to ignore your FIL's animosity. He's a sick old man with a terrible attitude to everyone, by the sound of it, and I don't suppose he's exactly a little ray of sunshine with your poor beleaguered husband either. Grit your teeth and try to be strictly practical. Remember that you're not competing with your FIL to win your husband. You're on your husband's team, supporting him.

Who " cares" for FIL while your husband is at work?

If FIL is okay all day, then what your husband is doing is laundry, cooking, yard work, setting up medications, etc?

Your husband is making a choice, to help out his dad. An admirable choice, but one which excludes you.

He's made his choice. I think perhaps you need, perhaps with some support from a therapist, to figure out what choice you are comfortable making in this situation.

FIL may have 12 chronic conditions, but none of them are going to kill him tomorrow. Can you do this for 10 more years? Probably not. Your husband's choices are being limited by Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). Yours don't need to be.

JJ, read country mouse's response again and get busy. When you contact nursing homes, also ask about respite care. When you find a place you like ask if they do respite care as well. If a full blown move doesn't get your hubby on board, try for a period of respite care. FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S SAKE! Hubby can't make a logical decision because he is burned out. The merry go round doesn't allow him to see the forest for the trees.
You don't indicate your FIL's financial situation but outsourcing any possible tasks would help hubby too. Would you be willing to do FILs laundry if it was brought to you? Ditto on meal prep and food shopping. I would try to do everything to reduce my husband's to do list so he can make better decisions.

I am trying to understand your situation. The above answers are wonderful, as usual, but they are based upon your husband agreeing to your doing the research into placement of your FIL, and agreeing to place him into a facility in the first place. The fact that he has agreed to his father banning you from the house is concerning. Agreeing to your finding a place for his dad may well be beyond DH’s ability to grasp. And, it sounds like his Dad needs to be in a Lockdown unit so he doesn’t take it upon himself to leave.

You do need help with this, even so far as calling your local agency on aging. You need someone who has the power to help on your side. Please keep us updated on how this works out.

The easiest way to get him into care, next time he falls, call 911 and have him taken to hospital. He'll likely spend a couple days and you can work with social workers there to get him a placement. If you refuse to take him back they will figure something out. Not perfect but a solution. Clearly his needs are not being met in his current situation.

As Barb stated, "FIL may have 12 chronic conditions, but none of them are going to kill him tomorrow. Can you do this for 10 more years? Probably not. Your husband's choices are being limited by Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). Yours don't need to be."

None of those conditions are immediately life threatening and can be ongoing for 10+ years. It sounds like your DH is being "guilt-ed" by his dad. I hate when I see that in anyone. Guilt is a terrible weapon and should be outlawed.

I wish I had a solution to your situation but I don't. I was the spouse tending to my Dad - but we moved him into our front yard in a brand new trailer and my DH used to tell me to go visit my dad if he thought pop looked lonely. I hope you find a solution to this before it ends your marriage.

I'm so sorry to read about this. Your DH obviously has some serious blinders on about his father. Guilt? Shoot, my hubby is WRACKED with guilt over what a *lousy* son he was--as he is constantly reminded by his mother. It's ridiculous.

At one point, MIL was quite ill and DH said we could bring her to our house. (My MIL seems to feel about as much love for me as your FIL does for you. I also am not allowed in her home.)
I looked at hubby and said "She can live with YOU, but I'm outta here". And I truly would have left him over it.

There are so many options for care for your FIL, really it's staggering. He's not going to like ANY of them, but 3 years of this? And yes, it seems the more cantankerous you are, the longer you live!

You hubby has to choose between you and his father. Would he even listen to ideas about NH or ALF's? Only you know that. A lot of suggestions have you sneaking him into long term care, and as ugly as that seems, it may be your only recourse.

The answer is "just barely." My own late mother demanded to live alone in her own home keeping house (A BIG NOT) in Massachusetts. Her blood pressure took a plunge and she had a whole host of other SERIOUS problems which meant I had to leave my Maryland home and life and husband and a good cat and a bad cat. We had taken in this bad cat thinking he would eventually come around/improve. He didn't. Christmas 2013 while I was at the Massachusetts hospital with my mother, my husband was in the Maryland (hometown) hospital several times with punctures from the cat. It was hell, especially since he had to deal with physical healing and also emotional healing when he had to take the bad cat to the animal control ALONE! This cat was his buddy and he had to ask "will he live?" Of course the answer was no.

JJ, how are you doing? Please come back and let us know how you are making out. We care!

JJlove, here is something to tell your husband.... close to 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring for. Yes, close to 40%.

Then what?

Hubby's father then goes into a skilled nursing home to live many more years, while you are without a husband, children without a Dad [if you have children], etc.

Hubby has to stop enabling his father to be able to continue his lifestyle, while you and hubby have to change yours. Time for hubby to set boundaries, and to learn to say to his Dad "I can't possibly do that". I know it is not easy as our elders have a way of sending in the guilt forces.

Does your husband have variable hours, work late?
You could use this to your hubs advantage. Does your hubs stop by, call you? Anything?

Have you tried persuasion, becoming a sanctuary place for your hubs (oh, Dad, he's working late) but he is really having a nice meal, hanging out with you, no discussions about that mean old man.

There is the ultimatum. The time limit. The divorce.

Try starting your life "as if" there is no husband. Most therapist would recommend making a separate life for yourself even if the husband is present. Get so busy, so involved, that one day hubs looks to you and you are not available. 3 years of this pain and turmoil are enough, so sorry that you have had to endure it.

What are you doing for Christmas?

I have been that 'absent' spouse, mom and grandma, for the better part of 3 years. I don't know why, except that my siblings just won't help, and it's been a long hard road. I have been able to take a stand with Dad, though, albeit much later than I should have after each decline and move or change. My dad was never unkind to my husband, though my siblings have been unkind to me, and Dad still wanted me to 'help' him do things for them. That ended this year when I placed him into MC. I'm still 'taking care' of Dad, in that I visit every day - 2-3 times a day now that he's in hospice - and I take care of EVERYTHING else, as POA. My husband and my adult children have all been very understanding, though it's been hard on them. I'm very sorry for you, and thank you for reminding me of the sacrifice that my family has made.

I am so so grateful for all of you. Thank you all so much for reaching out. It means the world to me.
Nothing has changed. Husband is still with father . Husband is still working fulltime. He FIL won't let in home supportive services come In home. I'm not allowed in home unless he is asleep. My husband says that he can't deal with his father anymore, that he can't take it anymore and I did the research for nursing home as all my FIL has is Medicare and Medicaid (called Medi-cal here in CA). No facility wants to take it unless the hospital sends him over to NH.
Honestly, I feel trapped and want to run away. I have tried talking to husband and he just isn't hearing me. He only thinks of the guilt his father uses from the 16 hour stay he had in the nursing home a month ago. He blew up my husband's phone and my phone until my husband went to see him in the NH and FIL took the keys. Ao husband took him home.Y'all it's a mess. Husband has injured himself from lifting FIL as FIL need a assistant to bathroom and can't walk very well without falling. Husband won't seek care. He works through the pain. He has so much guilt and fear to stay with his father that I don't exist. I told him he is putting his father first and he had the nerve to say that its not true...WTH? OMG...UNREAL..I FEEL like I have very few options here. He just isn't budging at all...
Even the caregivers that have been there,won't come back. I feel like I'm spinning in circles here, getting nowhere..all I have left is to end contact. I'm beyond frustrated,depression, upset, and just can't do it anymore, esp if I'm not being heard or seeing/spending time with my husband. There is nothing else to do...

I think I'd move on. Your husband is not thinking clearly about this situation, due to exhaustion, I'll wager, and/or he is and always has been so under his father's thumb that he has no capacity to form a relationship with another adult.

In either case, I think it would be wise to consider that he's not returning to the nest any time soon.

Can you afford your current home on your own? If not, I'd start looking at places that you can afford.

I know this is hard. Since your husband is not there while he's at work, is anyone there with FIL? This is the same situation that many of us are in. I call it "Waiting for the Fall". Your FIL will fall and then husband needs to call 911. Then husband needs to tell the hospital social worker that he cannot go home alone. Also that this already happened last month and that he waltzed out of the NH. At some point FIL will end up in the E.R. That's when kids have to say he can't go home. We can't do it anymore. At some point soon, your husband won't be able to lift him anymore. He's already hurting! I'm pretty sure he will come to this conclusion that he just can't keep helping his Dad on his own. But this may take a little more time. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, (your house), watch your favorite t.v. shows, have some take out dinner, get your hair done, whatever floats your boat! Husband can't last too much longer at this rate helping Dad. Meanwhile, try to relax and be Queen of the remote control. I know it's awful. Just trying for a little humor here. And if you really can't stand this anymore....then listen to Barb. She's an old hand at this caregiving. So is Send.

Oh heck! I'm reading my own answer and I know that it is not very helpful. I think I was writing it to my own self. Dang! This caregiving is stinkin' HARD! Hang in there JJ!

Your hubs clearly needs to grow a pair. And a brain.

Sorry to be so blunt but I’m a husband also. I just went through 5 years of solo, long distance caregiving for 2 parents. Finally got them in care after bad falls, er, hospital, dementia increasing etc.

Mom hates me now and will hardly speak to me. Thinks she is just fine. She needs 2 person assist to go potty. She may adjust someday or maybe not.

My wife has been supportive and understanding throughout this ordeal but she would have left me in a hot minute if I was the mess your hubs appears to be.

Boot girl is right, this will end eventually, someone will eventually put dear old pops in a facility. Maybe hubs, maybe APS. So I guess you can tough it out, or if you can afford it, move out and come back if and when hubs gets a spine.

Your husband apparently doesn't understand that at a certain point, most of us have make a cold, hard choice between making our parents happy and keeping them, and us safe. It takes real courage to step back and say "I can't do this anymore, dad. Work with me or you're going to have to take your chances on your own or with State intervention".

Buy your husband a copy of Atul Gawande's On Being Mortal.

Jjlove,
You can have a life.
If you are unhappy with your husband's actions, withdraw your support.
What you have now is a non-marriage marriage.
Dance away, have a life, buy yourself some flowers, Sees Candies, a new outfit, be less available.
By the time hubs "wakes up", you might not want him back.
BTW, do these things without complaining, explaining, or threatening.

Oh, and get your hair done like Bootshop has said. 

Bootshopgirl, Not sure that I am an old hand at this caregiving as you say.  I think we are all struggling through many issues together.  Everyone has something of value to contribute, imo.

Hello all. An update. This morning my father in law went home to meet our father God. They have no idea the cause just yet, but An autopsy will be preformed. So this changes everything...
Thank you all for your support during a difficult time. God bless you all. ❤

((((hugs)))) And condolences to your family.

Hang tough, JJ.

Hubby might struggle with “re-entry” in the days/weeks/months ahead. His reality has been Bizarro World for years. It’s likely he’ll have a difficult time shutting that off.

Don’t be surprised — and don’t take it personally — if hubby is overtired. Or crabby. Or has unrealistic expectations.

Transitions are tough. Including the transitions that get us closer to what we want.

Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. We’re here for you.

Thank you for letting us know JJL. Condolences on this loss.

I second BlackHole's alerts. For yourself, just focus on keeping things steady so that DH can find his way back more easily. Keep in touch and take care.

jj, thinking of you and yours . Grief takes many forms, give everyone time to adjust.
Including YOU.

JjLove,
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your FIL. Grace and Peace.

Thank you all. Very good advice and we'll wishes from you all. We honestly weren't expecting a death. Husband is taking it hard. However, he went back to work today. He only took off 4 days but said it was hard to get through. He seems like a different man. He is more calm and easy going. I really hate to say this, but it seems like a release. A whole different world and different husband for the better. He does cry and I comfort him and make the environment friendly for him. Only God knows the reason he called FIL home.
He isn't suffering anymore. I'm so happy to have my husband back, now we can get through the grieving and move on. Thank you God. Thank y'all too. Any pointers to help husband and myself to transition and to cope and adjust easier to this loss and gain? Thanks y'all. ❤

It sounds to me like your husband was emotionally enmeshed with his dad. That, I think, makes his grief harder. Now that this is over, you may find the two of you growing even closer with each other than you were before 3 years ago.

As far as you two of you go about re entering a normal life once again, I suggest going out on some dates and do things that you liked doing together when you were first dating.

"I really hate to say this, but it seems like a release." That is an honest answer following what you have been through. There's nothing wrong with sharing our honest feelings about things. He likely feels the same way, but may find it harder to say.

It does sound from your description that FIL's health was very poor.