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I understand this happens and why. However, I only learned of my husbands lifetime of affairs during his Alzheimer's and just a few months before he went to memory care. The sight of him anywhere near another woman even if she is 102 is a huge trigger for me and will send me into a tailspin. His happiness has always been at my expense. Why should that continue?

I am with you in this pain. Found out husband wanted a relationship in 2020 with his daughter in law (now ex) since 2001, one year after we married. He has also lied and manipulated so many people that I was not aware of .

Neruologist and psychiatrist told me years ago the lying and manipulation was part of his personality disorder. The inappropriate fantasy I discovered in 2017, I was warned could get worse. In this case I was told with Parkinsons and Cognitive impairment they actually have a probelm in NOT telling the truth. Yes that has happened too. I see confabulation, grandiosity, intentional manipulation and lying, so it is always difficult to discern what is what.

Protect yourself as much as possible. In my case he is 80 and still working in a demanding profession plus driving. He can act perfectly normal when it is in his best interests. He has passed all of his cognitive and MOCA.
tests. Uncanny, now that I am seeking a separation he can act out the role of being mentally incompetent in front of lawyers. Thus, I am stuck in moving forward, without paying big bucks to prove he is malingering.

Protect yourself now, while you have time ahead of you to enjoy life. Stay in contact with the facility. Try to be glad someone else is looking after him. Betrayal is devastating, so let yourself grieve and go and enjoy life!
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Reply to Alsara
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Sometimes it is hard to start our Lives Over again after caregiving or knowing a Person cheated on you But it can be done . I dont even Know where to start after My Mother , brother and a tenant Passed. My Father was Kidnapped with Alzheimers and it has Placed me in a Poor situation . The only thing I can think of is I am alone and to start doing my artwork again . Sure I Get down and feel isolated But this Is My Life and the only person I can take. care of is myself . Small steps , strong Boundaries . Find a spiritual Practice , go to a community acupuncture clinic. Go. On a retreat. Upaya Zen center In Santa Fe,NM Has retreats and you dont Have to be. a Buddhist . I will start My acupuncture this May it clears my Head and strengthens My Immune system . Sisters on the Fly Meet up , goon a camping trips. It is never too Late. to start anew chapter in Life .
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https://suno.com/s/mCHFXfbAgm1BG3Hb
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To answer the several who questioned YES it was his confessions. He lost his filters and, in some cases, let things slip out unintentionally. NO I had no idea. But I was able to reconstruct a timeline that made perfect sense. He was a cop with a lot of free time. I had suspicions but though I checked there was never any evidence. So F*** me i guess. Not interested in starting over with a hobby or the exhausting work of friendships. Sorry I posted. I have already applied for VAD in Switzerland and after reading the many posts and comments it has only bolstered my decision
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Geaton777 2 hours ago
I only questioned it because confabulating is a very common feature of dementia. Someone with dementia can come to believe they had (or their spouse had) an affair that never actually happened. It’s unsettling, but it’s a recognized pattern in cognitive disorders. The person fully believes the confabulation is the truth.

I just wanted you to be 100% sure before you acted upon it. No offense intended.
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In a way this is a little comical and ironic. A few say this is the person's "new home" when placed, with staff to better care for their needs.

Sometimes a "new relationship" can also be a part of this next chapter.
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PeggySue2020 23 hours ago
You’ve got a point, controversial as it may be.
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My GFs parents were happily married for like 60 yrs +. We walked in on him kissing another woman, even though Mrs S understood this happens with ALZ, it still upset her. I felt though, the woman initiated it and he responded in like.

You don't have to visit. And I agree, its time to do for yourself. A woman I know started cruising when her husband needed to be placed because of ALZ.
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Beedevil66 Apr 25, 2026
He wanted someone to talk to and be with when his wife wasn't visiting; lady probably wanted the same.

Many residents, visits from loved ones become less and less until they stop all together.

Should the resident then be "alone" for the time they have left?
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Not visiting him directly is one thing, but it remains important to keep in regular physical contact with the staff. Even as they assist you in those “around the corner” visits, they’re aware that you care enough to be there and will care more diligently for him than those without visiting families.
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Did he tell you of his affairs? Or did someone else?
Take with a grain of salt what others say (unless there is proof) and take with a grain of salt what someone that has dementia says. Just putting that out there first.
If indeed your husband has had affairs .. or even just 1. I can understand why seeing him with another woman is triggering for you.
You are still in shock. You are deep in grief.
First the fact that you are losing your husband, a man that you have built your life around. to a dying brain.
Second the loss of your marriage. Partly because of the dementia but also to the physical separation and also the knowledge that he was not faithful.
That is a lot to grasp in a short period of time.
Step back. Take a breath. Begin to find yourself. (wow that sounds "new age")
If you are like many you have cared for your husband at home for a while before you made the decision to place him. As a result of that I bet you have not had much time to yourself. So take some time. Book a week away. It could be just a local spot or take a cruise, alone or get a friend to go with. Or go visit someone.
Don't worry about him, he is safe, he is being cared for. If there is an emergency they can get hold of you just let them know how. (I do suggest appointing a temp POA and there is a form for that and the POA can be for a specific time period)
It is time for you to take care of yourself.
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If your husband's happiness always came at your expense, that's on you. It was your choice to stay in a marriage with him that was from what you're telling us here was pretty one sided. His side. It would be perfectly acceptable for you to stop visiting him altogether if the sight of him distresses you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone preach to that your husband's lifetime of cheating was a long time ago and to get over it because he's in memory care now. It's not a long time ago for you if you've only just recently found out. That pain is still fresh if you really didn't know what he was doing.

I hope you take Scampie's advice in the comments and get a hobby or start joining in some activities with other people to socialize. It's okay for you to start putting yourself first in your own life now. You deserve some personal happiness too. Let your husband and his 102 year-old girlfriend be happy in memory care. Happy as far as that's possible. Keep in mind that he's the one in a "home" not you. You still have life to live and I hope you live it.
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SeniorProsBrad 23 hours ago
just saying... bitterness and resentment are so ugly!
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I just want to clarify if he was the one who confessed the affairs while he had ALZ or was it from another source? I'm only asking because what he is telling you may not be true if he is impaired. Nonetheless, I'm very sorry you have to experience this situation and this emotional pain. May you receive clarity, healing and peace in your heart as you decide how to handle it.
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I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Did he have affairs before Alzheimers or is this something that just started happening? I've heard that sometimes this happens in facilities.

This type of thing happens more than what people are willing to discuss. Some women are adamant about remaining loyal to this type of behavior even though it is part of the disease process.

We as women are required to give up so much of our autonomy.

Since he is in a facility, I would start picking hobbies to get me out the house. Join a book club, gardening class, cooking classes or anything else that would get your mind off this nonsense. Therapy can help. Personally, I would prefer in person therapy than the teleservice that's being offered. First, it will get you out of the house. Secondly, you can run errands and just be out and about. The key is to get you involved in your own life rhythm again and not be so focused on someone who is slowly losing their memory.

Also, I would cut back on the visits since this interaction is causing you to feel strong emotions once you witness this type of interaction.
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When Justice Sandra Day O’Connor went to visit her husband John in memory care, she found him holding another woman’s hand. She picked up and held his other hand. At least he had a constant companion where she couldn’t be anymore. She was actually happy to see it.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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I'm very, very sorry. You don't need to visit him. Please protect your mental and emotional health. Get some therapy, and spend your time doing things that bring you happiness and peace. I know that sounds simplistic, and it is easier said than done, but really that's what you deserve for the time you have left, unburdened by him.
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Beedevil66 Apr 25, 2026
Ah there's the rub. This is his "new home" with new experiences; one may be a new female friend
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