My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.
My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.
My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.
My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.
He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.
Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.
Thanks for considering it.
@LoopyLoo
@lealonnie1
and everyone else condemning this woman.
stop monopolizing this thread, you have done nothing but come up with theories without any facts about this woman and others, me included. You don't even know her but act like you do.
You bash everyone that has a different opinion from yours. What is your problem. You can't stand it that there are people that are not like you?
You have accused this woman of being a terrible wife and now an irresponsible mother too. You have predicted her doom of a future, rofl. Where do you get these ideas? You found "clues" from the little she has told you? So not only are you experts here but detectives also.
And once and for all, do women all a favor, get out of the stone ages, with your antiquated ideas about the roles of men and women What kind of marriages do you have? No wonder you come on here, it's not to give advise and help, it's to judge, criticize and condemn.
You come from a place of no reasoning. How do I know? The clues.
Go ahead and lash out at me again. Get something that I wrote and twist it to your satisfaction and use it against me. Go on I know you want to have the last word :)
2:9In like manner, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefastness and sobriety; not with braided hair, and gold or pearls or costly raiment; 2:10but (which becometh women professing godliness) through good works. 2:11Let a woman learn in quietness with all subjection. 2:12But I permit not a woman to teach, nor to have dominion over a man, but to be in quietness. 2:13For Adam was first formed, then Eve; 2:14and Adam was not beguiled, but the woman being beguiled hath fallen into transgression.
1stTimothy, the OP clearly isn't even fazed by the prospect of divorce, which is a huge sin that Paul continually harps on. Why then would she be interested in your religious take?
I mentioned one scripture as an example of what me and my beautiful wife and family stand on - one of many scriptures. I am not interested in your baiting and use of scripture to further whatever agenda you have. Set your targets on someone else - like yourself.
You're one of the few people on this thread that actually makes sense and offers a real solution that could work for the poster and her family.
There are just some threads you can't stop reading. It's like seeing a car accident. No one wants to see it, but you can't look away and this thread is something. It's a ten car pile-up on the highway in blizzard conditions at night and involves a tractor-trailer.
Once the scripture quoting starts that's when you know it's going to get good. I did the AM care for my own 84 year old mother and she's watching the Perry Mason re-runs. I'm watching the fight LOL.
Stuckinthemid,
I can relate and understand to what you are feeling, but most of the people that visit this forum aren't going to come close to understanding.
You love your husband, son, and mother --- and want the best for each of them. You have witnessed more negative things as a caregiver in private facilities than you probably care to remember or write about.
I am married too with a family, and I take the lead on caring for my mother -- it's rare that men like me will even provide care for a parent -- especially almost 9 years of care that I am still providing.
I am the breadwinner and fortunate to work from home. My wife understands how I feel about caring for my mother, and she supports my decision to do so, and helps when I am busy on a work project, etc.
As a man of faith, I stand on scriptures such as 1 Timothy 5:3, and my wife is a woman of faith as well, so she is fully supportive. We work together to find balance, make time to vacation, and have our date nights covered with paid help. We make it work.
You stated that you have discussed the care of your mother with your husband, but I would encourage you and your husband to sit down with a marriage counselor and put it all on the table. It is good to have a neutral and unbiased party involved with marital issues.
Ultimately, either direction you go in will be emotionally challenging for you. Don't listen to the majority of people on this site who will attempt to make you feel guilty or wrong as a wife and mother. Do what you can live with for the rest of your life.
I admire the fact that you explained your feelings to your husband on how close you are to your mother, and desires to care for her -- sorry that his position appeared to change over time.
Praying for you to make the best decisions for your entire family.
I doubt if many of our posters would agree that ‘honor’ depends on being ‘desolate..night and day’. Or that pleasure means that she ‘is dead while she liveth’.
The letter to Timothy is one of Paul’s many letters. Paul never met Jesus in the flesh, wrote nearly half the New Testament, and is well known for verses verging on misogyny (like women not cutting their hair). Do you actually read the Bible? Do you really believe this? Does it help anyone?
PS are you male or female? this post sounds like male, profile sounds like female. I'm not sure that Paul would have approved of gender change, though apparently he did do a DIY circumcision on his servant.
She admits Mom is a "handful." It's clear the husband thinks otherwise, but she thinks that because she is the carer and a RN and loves mom, that she is the only source to decide when enough is enough.
She's like the frog in the pot, with the pot being on the stove since 2017.
I'm really worried about how the grandmother and her issues, and her marital problems, and said issues, will affect their 3-year-old.
She has, realistically, one year to fix this situation. Most children--and especially those in this family's income bracket--have the advantage of pre-K. Denying a child that advantage because of his "special relationship" with a demented grandmother does not seem in this son's interest.
Can you give them the opportunity to get away from her? What about designated space for her within your house? It’s very difficult to set boundaries with dementia. Perhaps an apt within your house. Or choose MC close by. As your son ages he’ll become more involved with his friends, with less interest in his elders. Be careful not to create an unhealthy scenario where they only have each other.
Now ask yourself this: If you divorce, where will you and your mother live? If she dies in a year or two, do you expect your son and husband will take you back?
And, finally, my mother is 97. My 1st husband died at 33. Never count on making up for lost time.
i'll remember that, and try to use every moment.
OP gives serious mixed messages about how willing she will be to do that.
Like for one, she doesn't like the apartment idea because it'll "only solve the space issue" as opposed to time. If she means she's going to go sleep with mommy and distrust the free aides she's applying for (she after all is an RN and they are not), then the process is almost moot, and definitely not a compromise.
By next year, OP's child should be in a pre-K program and her mother Somewhere Else that OP is not sleeping over at, or prioritizing visits to over her child's pre-K education. If OP feels the arrangement is crummy, then she should return to work so that she pays for the help herself.
I can relate and understand to what you are feeling, but most of the people that visit this forum aren't going to come close to understanding.
You love your husband, son, and mother --- and want the best for each of them. You have witnessed more negative things as a caregiver in private facilities than you probably care to remember or write about.
I am married too with a family, and I take the lead on caring for my mother -- it's rare that men like me will even provide care for a parent -- especially almost 9 years of care that I am still providing.
I am the breadwinner and fortunate to work from home. My wife understands how I feel about caring for my mother, and she supports my decision to do so, and helps when I am busy on a work project, etc.
As a man of faith, I stand on scriptures such as 1 Timothy 5:3, and my wife is a woman of faith as well, so she is fully supportive. We work together to find balance, make time to vacation, and have our date nights covered with paid help. We make it work.
You stated that you have discussed the care of your mother with your husband, but I would encourage you and your husband to sit down with a marriage counselor and put it all on the table. It is good to have a neutral and unbiased party involved with marital issues.
Ultimately, either direction you go in will be emotionally challenging for you. Don't listen to the majority of people on this site who will attempt to make you feel guilty or wrong as a wife and mother. Do what you can live with for the rest of your life.
I admire the fact that you explained your feelings to your husband on how close you are to your mother, and desires to care for her -- sorry that his position appeared to change over time.
Praying for you to make the best decisions for your entire family.
Now you say 5 years+ is ‘temporary’, DH should ‘grow up’, forget about being married, ‘play hockey or video games or join the gym, get a hobby, whatever’. Wow!
Let's be real about what we should or shouldn't expect from people.
I bet you were angry and done when your folks got a new address.
They are now in the same building with my sister. I visit frequently and help out as much as possible. Lets be real living with 2 elderly unhappy and disruptive parents is different than taking care of a mother who seems to be not a problem.
I am not angry. I regret I could not make it better for them and make them happy.
When one gets married and starts a family, the expectation is that they become the priority over extended family. This includes mothers.
She's already said that her hardline is keeping the mom with her until SHE feels like it'll be too much. But it's been five years already with mom and her dementia. Mom already wanders and shadows people.
If Mom starts doing that with the kid, OP will just be glowing about their "special friendship" that won't be healthy in any way.
She's insistent on keeping Mommy even if it means her husband disappears and so does this child for 3/4 nights a week. GREAT mother there.
So, some places AL can't or won't accommodate wandering, other places will. It makes it imperative that people interview the facilities in their area to be sure they are in fact willing and able to meet care needs.
I'm sure some have noticed I've said I had both my parents with me, It was not a wonderful experience, and yet my husband supported me always and never once made me feel like I was neglecting him or our marriage. He understood that my parents needed help, and that it was my priority at this time and he understood I needed his help. He works and yet he helped me in the household as well. That is what any mature adult husband/man would do that loves his wife. Support her.
One thing I'm not clear on is what exactly is his issue with the mother being there? Has she taken his bed, his office, his couch, his tv??? What does it mean he needs his space?? Is he not happy that the mother and daughter get along and are close, is he jealous?? Does he hate that the mother is getting more attention than him from her?
I agree with you that it's a disagreement of core values, but if it is, it won't be ameliorated by getting public aides or a public apartment for mom or other measures, such as the private adult day care Mom insists on over the public ones. She doesn't seem the type to be able to reinforce to mom that this is it, you get along with these aides and this apartment (if it even happens)--she seems the type to just take granny back in and being increasingly resentful of her husband since she thinks she has the unilateral right to keep her in their house.
horrible … some are great but very $$$. If you want mother with you …
go for it…. Doesn’t sound like great love marriage … and not sure how much you want give up to keep husband. Do what your heart feels… I think that’s best …
this is just a general comment.
somewhere below, i wrote:
"there's still people on here who insist placing an elder is
giving up on them, throwing them away, or just being mean selfish meanies."
it's not.
sometimes, it's the most loving thing one can do.
and, sometimes the LO thrives in a facility.
even if they don't thrive, sometimes it's the most loving thing to do.
------
i want to add to that.
sometimes, it is indeed, "giving up on the elder, throwing them away, or just being mean selfish meanies."
there are all sorts of people in this world.
those kinds of people exist too.
not all people place their LOs in a facility, for good reasons.
not all people keep their LOs home, for good reasons.
---------
...for example, some people are calculating ("how can i get the most financially out of my LOs")...
...some adult children just don't care ("i don't care what happens to my LO...let's just do X") (even when the LO was very loving towards towards the adult children the whole life) (i'm not talking about abusive LOs)
the point is, there are all sort of people, making decisions (abandon parents totally, let them figure it out themselves? out of sight, out of mind? help a little? help a lot? facility? no facility? in-home care?)
meanies exist.
awful facilities exist.
likewise, loving people exist, just wanting the best for their LOs, for themselves, for the whole family.
good facilities exist. but it certainly depends on where you live. some parts of the world, some towns/cities, only have awful facilities.
also, the more money you have, the more options/solutions you have...
for example, more money = sometimes will give you access to a certain good facility, that a poorer person will never be able to access, can't afford.
------
so yes, meanies exist.
loving people exist.
good facilities exist.
awful facilities exist.
-----
as for OP...what should OP do...
dear stuck,
:)
i simply wish you well, your mother, your whole family. :)
it's not easy.
and you/your mother/your family, has to live with the decisions, none of us. --it's sometimes very easy for someone in an armchair to give advice on someone else's life. they will never deal with any of the consequences.
and only you know all the facts.
also, for some bizarre/ironic reason, it's sometimes easier to give advice to others, than to give advice to ourselves. having said this, i better work on my life! :)
:)
continue your loving path OP, seeking good solutions.
sometimes, empathy and encouragement (whatever path one decides on) is what helps. you'll find the right way.
hug! :)
Things will change in many ways when son goes to school, just as things will change when GM’s health deteriorates to the point where she DOES qualify for the support that was turned down before. And of course, there will be radical changes if the marriage breaks down.
OP and her husband really need a planning session for the future, not just for the next few months. It would be a pity if OP is backed into a corner, and can't change when the world changes around her.
I'd call that a sea change from her original post.
Cut out the bashing, guys. Please. We're better than this.
You profess to keep the one with your son and mother going, but the big priority should be your husband. He is keeping the family going financially. You don’t want your mother in a facility, but have you looked at outside activities that that senior organizations might have for her that would allow your little family to bond?
IDK, OP. The H has dealt with it for five years already. You offer no timeline for what you'll do other than what YOU want, aligned with what she wants. Your H appears to be the odd man out. So I'm not being sarcastic about it, but just let him know that that's the deal.