That sounds pretty common with those who have Alzheimer's/Dementia [as per your profile]. As frustrating as that can be, yet let him rant, while you walk out of the room.
Could you tell him he needs to see a doctor as Medicare requires this twice a year, otherwise he will lose all of his medical benefits.... I know that is a fib but with Alzheimer's/Dementia, we sometimes have to use "therapeutic fibs" to get the person to do something important.
So you believe someone who has dementia to say things that he really means? Welcome to the dementia world. If I had a nickel for everytime my husband said mean things to me or threatened to divorce me, I would be a millionaire! You have to develop a thicker skin. Walk away and 5 mins. later he will have forgotten what was just said.
With dementia you have to go along to get along. You're not going to convince him that he is mistaken about anything. Just let him be right as much as you can. Flyer is right, a little fibbing is the only way sometimes. Tell him what he wants to hear and then do what needs to be done when he's not looking. My mom is in your same situation. It was rough for her until she learned how to keep him calm and work from the shadows. It still ain't easy but she's getting by for now.
You cannot argue or reason with dementia. Try letting him be right all the time. This must be very difficult for you. Windy's and FF's answers above are very good. Has your husband always been the one that has to be right? If so, dementia will only intensify this.
I suggest that you find an Alzheimer's caregiver support group and attend. Check the Alzheimer's Assocoation website for a complete list.
It sounds to me like a situation where I personally would not force him to stay if he really doesn't want to. If he really wants a divorce that bad, I personally would let him go if this is what he really wants because I won't force my will on someone who just doesn't want to be with me. I would then alert APS and the other proper authorities, especially if he becomes violent. If he becomes violent, I personally would be out the door and gone at the first sign, because as an abuse survivor I have no tolerance for violence or any other abuse
I agree with others who say agree or walk away. It is frustrating, but in the long run it makes your life easier. It is hard, because as a caregiver that can mean a lot of denying your position and remaining unheard. Truth is, being "heard" does not mean as much when the person you are communicating with will have no memory of what they "heard" from you. It gets a bit futile. I empathize with the frustration and lack of satisfaction this solution creates...I live it everyday. But it will make both your lives easier, given that nothing is really to be gained in the long run by pushing your position.
If you disagreements are not about ideals or positions on topics, but rather on daily activities such as what to eat for lunch, you may try redirecting the discussion. Then just do what you want and present it as done. Just pick your battles carefully. You may decide to let his embarrassing fashion sense go unchallenged knowing that you have something more important, that he will likely see differently than you.
Not only does my husband threaten to divorce me, he walks out on me, gets in the car and takes off. He doesn't want me handling our finances, yet he is not capable of doing it, so I must. It makes him SO angry not to be in control, so he threatens me. I'm terrified when he takes off in the car when he's angry; I'm so afraid he'll get lost or do something really stupid and unfortunate.
My mother, 98 with dementia, often goes off with no warning and no logic to it. Something triggers a perception that she is being attacked and she strikes out verbally, defending herself. She's always been feisty.
Something I figured out early on is that she's one of those people who thinks that love goes away when the other person disagrees or gets angry. God bless. So I've learned to remind her that's NOT true. When she's been particularly obnoxious, I tell her it's a good thing I love her because she's being so difficult. Or I might say that I still love her and at the same time am angry because she did whatever it was.
Also it helps to keep a smile on your face. I notice Mom peering intensely at me as if trying to sense what my attitude is. She is reassured when I remember to smile. Also I remind her often I love her and, if she'll let me that close, give her a little smooch on the forehead.
Your husband is lashing out for reasons that make sense to him. The behavior may fade with time, especially if you keep smiling and don't let him see it upsets you. In fact, it shouldn't upset you and really has nothing to do with you; it's all him and his deteriorating condition.
The dementia patient may not understand what is happening, but I think they know something is going on. They have fewer resources with which to deal with daily life and relationships and that has to be scary. The anger reaction may be mostly fear, so we need to have compassion.
And it wouldn't hurt to have his doctor evaluate him for medication to help reduce the agitation and anxiety if that's what is behind the bad behavior.
Blessings to you for peace to prevail in this tricky relationship.
Could you tell him he needs to see a doctor as Medicare requires this twice a year, otherwise he will lose all of his medical benefits.... I know that is a fib but with Alzheimer's/Dementia, we sometimes have to use "therapeutic fibs" to get the person to do something important.
I suggest that you find an Alzheimer's caregiver support group and attend. Check the Alzheimer's Assocoation website for a complete list.
If you disagreements are not about ideals or positions on topics, but rather on daily activities such as what to eat for lunch, you may try redirecting the discussion. Then just do what you want and present it as done. Just pick your battles carefully. You may decide to let his embarrassing fashion sense go unchallenged knowing that you have something more important, that he will likely see differently than you.
Something I figured out early on is that she's one of those people who thinks that love goes away when the other person disagrees or gets angry. God bless. So I've learned to remind her that's NOT true. When she's been particularly obnoxious, I tell her it's a good thing I love her because she's being so difficult. Or I might say that I still love her and at the same time am angry because she did whatever it was.
Also it helps to keep a smile on your face. I notice Mom peering intensely at me as if trying to sense what my attitude is. She is reassured when I remember to smile. Also I remind her often I love her and, if she'll let me that close, give her a little smooch on the forehead.
Your husband is lashing out for reasons that make sense to him. The behavior may fade with time, especially if you keep smiling and don't let him see it upsets you. In fact, it shouldn't upset you and really has nothing to do with you; it's all him and his deteriorating condition.
The dementia patient may not understand what is happening, but I think they know something is going on. They have fewer resources with which to deal with daily life and relationships and that has to be scary. The anger reaction may be mostly fear, so we need to have compassion.
And it wouldn't hurt to have his doctor evaluate him for medication to help reduce the agitation and anxiety if that's what is behind the bad behavior.
Blessings to you for peace to prevail in this tricky relationship.
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