Follow
Share
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
If he wants a divorce, say 'go ahead, file for one!' That would be interesting to see how far he gets..... Chances are he'll forget all about it soon after. I would try to get him on some calming medication. Tell the doctor YOU need him on some calming medication.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jazzy2: Sounds like a plan, but what happens if that key goes missing and it was really the real key?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When my husband could no longer drive, I got a key from the dealership that looked just like his car key but was inoperative. I switched them and he just assumed the car was broken. I kept telling him I would get it fixed. It is so hard but my husband is at end if life and honestly, I wish I had those days back. Eventually you can laugh at a lot of it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You don't get a divorce over one argument. I would get an psychiatric appointment for him whether he likes it or not. You're the lucid one.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You have received many excellent answers.
My husband also wanted to divorce me whenever I disagreed with him. He is 84, I am 74. He is very physically active.
May 2015, I announced to him that I was accompanying him to his routine physical checkup. I gave his primary care VA physician a list of concerns. She promptly performed a mental exam, got an MRI of his brain, lots of lab and xrays, and a diagnosis of Vascular Dementia was documented.
He is now using the Exelon patch and taking Prozac. Of course this has not cured him. But it has helped make daily living more tolerable.
Here are some things that I found through trial and LOTS of error that are currently working for US:
I do not have to be right about ANYTHING . EVER.
Online banking.
I fix his pills in one of those weekly pill box containers. He was VERY resistive to this ("...I have always done it myself..." he says).
I do the driving except to church and the walking park--both very close by.
I have 2 apps on my phone that give me the location of his phone. He is good about keeping his phone on his belt and charged up. I had to go find him in another town. He got lost.
The only incoming phone calls he gets are from me, his children and my children. All other incoming calls have a SILENT RINGTONE. He is OK with this.
I am always within 30 minutes of being at his side.
The other day we experienced a confusing 5 hour marathon when he could not get it straight in his head that it is his GREAT GRANDSON who is getting married soon, not his GRANDSON.
exhausting.
What's in it for me??
After that marathon, he came up to me, hugged me and kissed me and said, " I love you. You are my best friend."
Lots of prayers helps. God cares.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If it's obvious that he does have dementia, don't bother to argue with him; just make a noncommital answer and go on.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I thought of an idea for the finances. Since he has dementia, get a written note from his doctor that he's incompetent. Take that to your bank and have his name removed from the bank account. You can also have the bank block or limit his access to the account if you must take complete control of the finances. Now, set up online auto bill pay but from your end, and don't let anyone gain access to your account. Now setting up online bill pay will require the names, phone numbers addresses and account numbers to every person you pay each month along with the amounts. Set these up one by one on your online banking. If you don't have online banking, you can sign up free through your bank. All you need is a username and password that only you know but something easy to remember. That will allow you to ease the burden of controlling finances by setting up online auto bill pay along with the frequency of how often each bill comes out. As for the rent though, you may not have an account number for that, but you can make up one. You can use something like your house number and the creditors or landlord's house number as the account number, you can even do it in combination if you need a certain amount of characters.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Yes, grab the keys but only if he hasn't grab them first as what's described here. It sounds like he's already got the keys and how do we know he doesn't keep them on him? I would contact the BMV but I would first contact the cops and make a police report. Where I would start in this is to first set up a hidden camera and record everything. You can then use that as evidence that something's occurring. If there is any small chance you can get a hold of the keys when he lays them down, go ahead and grab them but hide them somewhere, it's even better yet if you can have them hidden somewhere on you. If you wear a fanny pack, you can put the keys in there. If you have deep pockets, put them there or even in your boot if you wear cowboy boots. What I would do is just go for the ignition key and remove it from the ring so there's less bulky to carry. Another idea is to also go ahead and remove the house key if this is the only copy. If he becomes violent outside, you can run inside and lock the door and call the cops from inside. The idea is to have him out in the open so the cops can pick him up
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

The driving situation is tricky with people who can no longer drive safely. My dad didn't have memory issues, but did have driving deficiencies; my brother and I kept the keys away from him as much as we could. Someone with memory issues is not going to remember that his license is gone, so find out how to pull the coil wire (if the car is old enough to have a central coil) so that even if he finds keys the car won't run.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Take the keys away, contact DMV for an opinion on his driving capability, if he doesn't pass a test then DMV will take away his license.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My mother, 98 with dementia, often goes off with no warning and no logic to it. Something triggers a perception that she is being attacked and she strikes out verbally, defending herself. She's always been feisty.

Something I figured out early on is that she's one of those people who thinks that love goes away when the other person disagrees or gets angry. God bless. So I've learned to remind her that's NOT true. When she's been particularly obnoxious, I tell her it's a good thing I love her because she's being so difficult. Or I might say that I still love her and at the same time am angry because she did whatever it was.

Also it helps to keep a smile on your face. I notice Mom peering intensely at me as if trying to sense what my attitude is. She is reassured when I remember to smile. Also I remind her often I love her and, if she'll let me that close, give her a little smooch on the forehead.

Your husband is lashing out for reasons that make sense to him. The behavior may fade with time, especially if you keep smiling and don't let him see it upsets you. In fact, it shouldn't upset you and really has nothing to do with you; it's all him and his deteriorating condition.

The dementia patient may not understand what is happening, but I think they know something is going on. They have fewer resources with which to deal with daily life and relationships and that has to be scary. The anger reaction may be mostly fear, so we need to have compassion.

And it wouldn't hurt to have his doctor evaluate him for medication to help reduce the agitation and anxiety if that's what is behind the bad behavior.

Blessings to you for peace to prevail in this tricky relationship.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Not only does my husband threaten to divorce me, he walks out on me, gets in the car and takes off. He doesn't want me handling our finances, yet he is not capable of doing it, so I must. It makes him SO angry not to be in control, so he threatens me. I'm terrified when he takes off in the car when he's angry; I'm so afraid he'll get lost or do something really stupid and unfortunate.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You have to realize the person he is now has changed from who he was. His brain is deteriorating. He is not the same person and you have to adjust to that. Take the advice given here, and please keep it in mind. I wish you well.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree with others who say agree or walk away. It is frustrating, but in the long run it makes your life easier. It is hard, because as a caregiver that can mean a lot of denying your position and remaining unheard. Truth is, being "heard" does not mean as much when the person you are communicating with will have no memory of what they "heard" from you. It gets a bit futile. I empathize with the frustration and lack of satisfaction this solution creates...I live it everyday. But it will make both your lives easier, given that nothing is really to be gained in the long run by pushing your position.

If you disagreements are not about ideals or positions on topics, but rather on daily activities such as what to eat for lunch, you may try redirecting the discussion. Then just do what you want and present it as done. Just pick your battles carefully. You may decide to let his embarrassing fashion sense go unchallenged knowing that you have something more important, that he will likely see differently than you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

So you believe someone who has dementia to say things that he really means? Welcome to the dementia world. If I had a nickel for everytime my husband said mean things to me or threatened to divorce me, I would be a millionaire! You have to develop a thicker skin. Walk away and 5 mins. later he will have forgotten what was just said.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

It sounds to me like a situation where I personally would not force him to stay if he really doesn't want to. If he really wants a divorce that bad, I personally would let him go if this is what he really wants because I won't force my will on someone who just doesn't want to be with me. I would then alert APS and the other proper authorities, especially if he becomes violent. If he becomes violent, I personally would be out the door and gone at the first sign, because as an abuse survivor I have no tolerance for violence or any other abuse
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You cannot argue or reason with dementia. Try letting him be right all the time. This must be very difficult for you. Windy's and FF's answers above are very good. Has your husband always been the one that has to be right? If so, dementia will only intensify this.

I suggest that you find an Alzheimer's caregiver support group and attend. Check the Alzheimer's Assocoation website for a complete list.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

With dementia you have to go along to get along. You're not going to convince him that he is mistaken about anything. Just let him be right as much as you can. Flyer is right, a little fibbing is the only way sometimes. Tell him what he wants to hear and then do what needs to be done when he's not looking. My mom is in your same situation. It was rough for her until she learned how to keep him calm and work from the shadows. It still ain't easy but she's getting by for now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

That sounds pretty common with those who have Alzheimer's/Dementia [as per your profile]. As frustrating as that can be, yet let him rant, while you walk out of the room.

Could you tell him he needs to see a doctor as Medicare requires this twice a year, otherwise he will lose all of his medical benefits.... I know that is a fib but with Alzheimer's/Dementia, we sometimes have to use "therapeutic fibs" to get the person to do something important.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.