My husband claims the man taking care of him is hurting him intentionally. How do I handle this?

Even though it will be hard on him, and on all of you, you have to move him to another home. He is not able to defend himself, you have to do this for him. Whether it is true or not, your husband is not happy in his current home and needs to be moved. I'm sorry for your situation.

Please move your husband to another facility... he is telling you the truth.... why would he make up something like this?? He isn't. Yes it will be hard on him and you, but even harder if you leave him there.... and by all means, after you have moved him, file a complaint... no elder should ever be abused in any form by anyone.... I applaud you for listening to your husband...... let us know what happens

Good luck- it sounds like a move will be necessary because of the personality conflict. Due to the mobility difficulties perhaps he will experience "hurt" with anyone lifting him. I work with many mobility products so please explore all assistive devices that may allow him to "help himself" as much as possible. More independence, self-esteem, chance to build strength, and less chance of a person "hurting" him. Does he have upper body strength or stand at all? Just offering suggestions- if he has to be lifted it will be a injury risk anywhere he will go- but that is better than being slinged around and losing muscle tone.

It may not be intentional, but it is not working out well. Why not use a patient lift? He might not like it at first but you really have to if caregivers are being hurt, and he is having a hard time without it too, whether he recognizes it or not. Do you know about how much he weighs? Is he sensitive about that, or maybe does not realize it? You don't want him to be just stuck in bed.

There are some forms of dementia come with paranoia, delusion and suspicions.
You have mentioned that your husband resists help when he needs to be transferred. Sure it might hurt when somebody is pulling you off the chair and you resist and fight it. I had residents like that, who would fight me and do not trust me at times, while some another moments completely rely on me and compliment the way I care for them. I had a resident who told me he hates me when I offered him meds, when I told him we do not have cookies in the house (yes, he was on the strict diet and was served fresh fruit cup every time he asked for sweets), when I refused to lay down in the bed with him.... Yes, he used to cry all night long telling me he is lonely, he had a bad dream, he just wants a kiss from me.... He was VERY challenging and demanding... and declining very fast.
So, I just want you to know, if your husband has a LBD (Lewy Body Dementia) or Pick's disease, he might go through all those unpleasant changes and you will have the same problems does not matter where he goes.... I suggest you to observe those moments when he is transferred to see your husband's reaction. You might change your mind about moving him... and trusting his word too. Memory problems may come with complete personality changes.

Also any mechanical devices might hurt your husband even more. People with dementia WILL NOT COOPERATE, which is absolutely necessary when using lift/hoyer or any other mechanical device.

It sounds like he is in the wrong care.
The fact that your husband needs so much help to lift / move him this residence does not sound suitable. And he definitely sounds like he doesn't like being there.

My mother complains of pain when the nurses take her blood pressure. She complains of pain if she thinks you are going to do something she doesn't like. I always acknowledge her statement and check her for dark or black/blue bruising. But merely lifting her from under her arms causes marks. If you hold her hand too tightly, if she bumps her shins on the sofa - bruising.
For patients who are sitting around for most of the day, their blood pools and does not circulate. Be careful of accusing the aid of hurting your husband unless there is evidence.

I deal with the same thing daily, but I have my husband at home & I am "the enemy" on some days & on others he cries & says," I am so happy that your in my life at all still."
I go moment to moment. I would advise you to leave him where he is at. You can always call in Adult Protective Services to make a surprise visit to the home where he is at.
It appears to me that no matter where you place him, there will be an issue to deal with.
I am thankful that my husband is not combative, as of yet & can get around physically with out my assistance ,however, I am an R.N. & just 2 days ago was out making neurological, physical & mental assessments on 2 other people that are in real danger. They are both still in the same home. A mother in her 90's as the main care giver for her 63 yr. old daughter, who is gravely disabled with Alzheimer's. I see them as keeping each other alive. As dangerous as it is I have to figure out how to help them & I will. It is my journey in this life.
You do not walk alone....
Maybe a Hoyer life may be the answer?? Suggest it to the home where he is at.
Best of luck & you are a blessing as is he.
I see my husband as my stairway to heaven.

I just reread you post....
Language is a huge barrier. It is not unreasonable to request an aid who your husband can communicate with easily..My mother is suspicious when the nurses speak to each other in another language while caring for her. It is neither polite or professional. I requested that they speak only english while in her presence. For a person who is incapacitated and has no control over their physical movement it is another blow when they can not communicate either.

My father had the beginnings of Alzheimer's and subsequently got a GI infection. His Alzheimer's suddenly got much worse and he went directly to a nursing home. He was never combative, his sweet nature just got sweeter, but when I would visit him, he would say that the aids who bathed him was molesting him. Just to play it safe, I moved him to another facility. Same thing there, so I had my answer - it was the disease talking, not him. He might not like anywhere you send him, but I would definitely move him if for nothing else but the language barrier. Hugs and Kisses and take care during this trying time.

I have heard of people setting up a hidden survellience camera to see how their loved one is treated when they are not there.Is that a possibility?

@marmee. You can call local police department and ask if you allowed to place that cameras in your own house. But sure you can't do it in the facility without notifying them.

Please do not rush to move him, unless you have more concrete evidence. While we should never ignore the complaints and comments of our loved ones, or our own observations and gut feelings, there is nothing logical or consistent about dementia, no matter at what stage. Our loved ones can appear lucid and logical one day, which gives credibility to untruths at a different time, and vice versa. It will grow worse with time.
If you have not done it already, I would suggest more investigative work about the group home, such as length of time in business, staff turnover, talk with other residents' family members, and online reviews if available. I would assume the home needs to be licensed through your state, so there should be some public info available, though it might take some persistence and creativity to uncover it. Good luck to you - I've been there.

If you can not move him to another home. Try to set up a hidden camera to catch the person abusing him that is the best thing

I would suggest that you first assess this situation as best you can with your own personal observations. Can you visit at times he must be moved? Can you watch without him even knowing you are watching? perhaps discuss with the wife at this home, who does speak English, that your husband is complaining about being moved hurting him, and you want to be able to support THEM....the caregivers, by seeing for yourself that all is well and it's just your husband's interpretation? Or just observe without saying anything to anyone...if the times he must move are consistent, you will know when to 'drop in'. I also agree that it makes no sense to not have staff who cannot communicate well in English. I have this issue with my dad, in his dementia unit. When they hire people who have such thick accents, that I cannot understand them, or make myself understood on the phone, then, how can residents be dementia be expected to have any communication with them?? I too, have reported this issue to the people in charge. Understanding the level of the workers they must hire, it would seem that at least workers could be scheduled such that at least one is able to communicate well, and will attempt to talk with all residents during their shift. In your case, though, it sounds like a small group home, so perhaps less choices? IF you determine that your husband just doesn't like being moved, then I would wonder about an MD consult about physical therapy for teaching more independence or ability to assist at transfers? If you determine that staff are not using good techniques or do not have proper assistive devices based on his needs, then, you may need to look at placement where they do have the right equipment to safely transfer without hurting. And, obviously, if you sense that they ARE rough with him, and they will not change behaviors, or he cannot adjust if they do try to change, then you need a new placement. As a last result, a camera placement if can be legally done, might be the next thing. IF you see abuse, filing a complaint IS necessary. But it could be just your husband's mental condition and I hate to see you go for filing complaints or dealing with placing him else where for no good reasons.

Well, if your husband is giving the aide a hard time, you might want to be cautious about acting on the accusations. However, you know your husband better than anyone. Is he difficult? Maybe oppositional?

I ask because my mother is those things and more. Sometimes in the middle of a perfectly routine personal care activity, she will turn on me with ferociousness and accuse me of hurting her on purpose -- even if it's something we've done many times before and I'm being just as careful as usual. Lately she's accused me of bumping into body parts when I'm nowhere near them.

The other possibility that occurs to me is that your husband may benefit from medication to help him react more calmly to his environment and the unavoidable demands placed on him every day. Has he been evaluated for something that might help with his behavior?

Before doing anything drastic, perhaps you could request that a different aide provide care for your husband. Maybe it is a personality clash. Or, since it's a man, it may be an ego thing. For people who like their independence, requiring help with basic bodily functions can be quite an upsetting experience.

Good luck and God bless as you deal with this challenge.

As I have stated in previous times, I worked in the medical field for 30 plus years.I would move him.If they do not have the equipment or manpower or women power to ambulate him or move him,you need to move him.There are hoyers which are required to lift up to 600 pounds now,there are also (I forgot the name) but the person stands in them as they are lifting them to a. standing position.In this day and age there is all sorts of equipment which saves on backs and saves on the patient..plus covers everyone's hinder as far as falls or hurting someone..you just cannot hurt someone in these things if used properly.Please explore alternative housing and good luck.

Your husband is not lying. He really does hurt. But that does not necessarily mean abuse. You don't say how big the home is, but can you ask if someone else can care for him for a while? That may be traumatic in itself, but less so than moving entirely. I wonder if you could afford/if they will allow bringing in another aide, either to assist or as a test to see if he reacts differently. It may be costly, but still better than the upset and the costs of moving him again. If you bring in a different person or persons and the situation does not change, it should give you an idea of whether or not moving him will fix anything.

When you say your husband has never lied to you, so why would he now, it reminds me so much of how much Alzheimer's patients confabulate or make up "stories", because their minds are no longer based in reality. I know my mother does constantly. However, I would first find a way to observe your husband during a moving and see for yourself what happens.

Tiny450, you are thinking of an EasyPivot. I've had a few muscular dystrophy patients really like those better than the sling lifts. Our Medicaid does not cover them because they are more expenive. Overhead lifts are the most expensive but some people get them on Waiver and really, really like them a lot.

No matter how much u love him & trust him to say the truth the dementia is in control not him...i live with this every day myself my father has dementia stage 2....he believes things that are not true...says he sees things that are not there, thinks there are people coming in his house at night but thats inpossiable....please before you accuse the caregiver....you need to do ur home work....since u have moved him twice now for the same reasons....u need to due ur due dillagence. Good luck xoxo

I would try to locate a different place for your husband. Ask to speak with the caregivers and listen to their ability to clearly speak English. If your husband has some cognitive issues or just old age, introducing a person with very limited English to care for him isn't going to work.
Further, many staff tend to just start lifting the patient without preparing them for the move. They need to explain to the patient that they will be transferring them to the bed or wheelchair etc. It is little wonder that he may resist moving if he doesn't know the "game plan".

I also think it is often more safe if a proper patient lift is used for transfers on elderly who can no longer stand or walk.

I have noticed bruising on my father when he was being transferred at hospitals and rehabs. I don't believe it was intentional however the elder does feel the pain. The elders are in a fragile state and it does not take much force to bruise them. Just look at an elder's arm after they received an IV treatment, it is likely their arm is bruised and showing redness or shades of purple.

Good luck. I hope you can get around the language issue. I would see if there is another male aide capable of making safe transfers without a language barrier for your husband to deal with at the same facility if the nursing staff is
appropriate and kind to him. This would eliminate the need for the transfer.

My husband is clearly resentful of any one who does not speak English. You may have to find a place with all good ol' boys to satisfy his prejudice. No fault of the caregivers, mind you, it's just not workable when someone resents the help.

I can truly feel your pain. My father suffered from dementia, and now my sister, age 86 has it. For a while, she was still living in her home and being "cared for" by a sitter that was assigned through a home health agency. After her condition deteriorated so dramatically, her son moved her to the city where he resides. He shopped around and found an assisted living facility that has a well staffed memory care unit. My sister is at the point that she no longer recognizes family, but she is no longer agitated and seems to be in a fairly good frame of mind. If at all possible, I would suggest that you try to find a facility that has staff trained to care for dementia patients. Good luck to you and may God bless you and your family.

Find a home that uses lifts, A sling fits over his body and he is lifted gently form one place to the other. Saves backs and saves personal injury to patients. If he is a Veteran all VA's are required to have and use lifts.

This is a tough one. On one hand, your husband has no reason to lie to you, and it sounds like you need to change his facility and see if it makes a difference. On the other hand, it's very difficult to be a caregiver to someone who resists your assistance when being moved - and a Hoyer lift or other mechanical device can cause very painful pinch injuries, even when used in the most careful manner. My own dad required a lift to get him in and out of bed due to his size, and one of the nurse's aides at the NH wasn't paying attention to where his testicles were when they moved him one day...and guess what happened. (Someone needs to educate these folks about the fact that an elderly man's "parts" hang down lower than a young man's, thus causing a pinch risk!) So a lift really might not be the answer, either, if he resists assistance due to his dementia.

I would strongly recommend finding another situation for him, ASAP....one that specializes in dementia. It sounds like the facility he's in is not quite up to par.

It is not uncommon for some with dementia to make claims in hopes of simply getting an end result they want. I won't say lie because I think sometimes with dementia they actually believe what they say, but it is not always the truth. Your husband doesn't like this man and wants to be removed from him, or have the man removed. So yes move your husband. However this doesn't mean that the man is hurting your husband. Often there simply has to be a good personality fit with a caregiver and a patient, and sounds like there isn't here. Good luck.

All people who suggested to move your husband have to remember that moving dementia patient to another facility might throw that very resident into much worse situation. It might come with delirium, mental and physical exhaustion, horrible stress and much more, not to mention new staff who might be not any better than the old one....
Also remember that every person with dementia goes through different phases of disease. What you have now might change in the near future. It might be better or worse and sure it's always unpredictable. Moving your husband can hurt him as much as staying where he is now. Consider it and think about how much stress that move will bring to your own life too. Just looking for another facility is very consuming. So, irisas, you are the only one to decide what is good FOR YOU!!!
Because your well-being is as important as your husband's.

We have many hospice patients for whom moment of any kind is very painful and/or frightening. For some of the worst, pain medication is given or a short acting mild anti-anxiety medication is used just shortly before the patient is moved, long enough for the medication to have an effect. No...you don't want someone to be continuously drugged. But a short acting medication can make moves safer and more comfortable for a patient and their caregivers. As many have mentioned, many elderly people bruise very easily as their skin is thin and fragile. If you haven't seen bruising on your husband, I would question if it's case of abusive or rough handling by a caregiver. And yes, at certain stages of dementia, people do get paranoid and belligerent and mis-interpret things. They also aren't beyond manipulation when they don't want something done as previously noted, too! I, too, wonder if the language barrier is a problem. Some have the attitude that they don't want any "foreigners" around them, and if this caregiver speaks no English he'd definitely be perceived in that way. As another noted, before moving or lifting a patient, verbal notice about what one is going to be doing is helpful to a patient. If this person speaks no English, he wouldn't be able to give any verbal "notice" or prompts about what's going to happen or try and comfort or reassure the patient.