My husband claims the man taking care of him is hurting him intentionally. How do I handle this?

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My husband is in a group home since he can't walk. My husband needs either a man or 2 women to move him from the bed to a lift chair or wheel chair. The man who cares for him doesn't speak English so communication is through the man's wife who makes the meals. My husband has never lied to me in our 58 year marriage and I have to believe him when he tells me the man gives him little hurts or is rough with him. I go to the home daily and the man is young and strong and it is difficult to move my husband when he resists the help. He says he hates the man and I think that although the wife, homeowner, my daughter and I have talked to my husband about the man and to the man about being more careful with my husband I don't think my husband will ever like him. Since I don't see marks on him I can't verify the problem. My husband has dementia but is at the stage of short term memory loss. He was asked to leave the first group home because the women aides couldn't move him without hurting their backs. This is the second group home and I'm thinking that he needs to move again if he is being hurt and is fearful of his aide there. Every move makes him confused and it takes weeks for him to adjust to another new situation. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thank you and many hugs, irisaz

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We have many hospice patients for whom moment of any kind is very painful and/or frightening. For some of the worst, pain medication is given or a short acting mild anti-anxiety medication is used just shortly before the patient is moved, long enough for the medication to have an effect. No...you don't want someone to be continuously drugged. But a short acting medication can make moves safer and more comfortable for a patient and their caregivers. As many have mentioned, many elderly people bruise very easily as their skin is thin and fragile. If you haven't seen bruising on your husband, I would question if it's case of abusive or rough handling by a caregiver. And yes, at certain stages of dementia, people do get paranoid and belligerent and mis-interpret things. They also aren't beyond manipulation when they don't want something done as previously noted, too! I, too, wonder if the language barrier is a problem. Some have the attitude that they don't want any "foreigners" around them, and if this caregiver speaks no English he'd definitely be perceived in that way. As another noted, before moving or lifting a patient, verbal notice about what one is going to be doing is helpful to a patient. If this person speaks no English, he wouldn't be able to give any verbal "notice" or prompts about what's going to happen or try and comfort or reassure the patient.
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All people who suggested to move your husband have to remember that moving dementia patient to another facility might throw that very resident into much worse situation. It might come with delirium, mental and physical exhaustion, horrible stress and much more, not to mention new staff who might be not any better than the old one....
Also remember that every person with dementia goes through different phases of disease. What you have now might change in the near future. It might be better or worse and sure it's always unpredictable. Moving your husband can hurt him as much as staying where he is now. Consider it and think about how much stress that move will bring to your own life too. Just looking for another facility is very consuming. So, irisas, you are the only one to decide what is good FOR YOU!!!
Because your well-being is as important as your husband's.
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It is not uncommon for some with dementia to make claims in hopes of simply getting an end result they want. I won't say lie because I think sometimes with dementia they actually believe what they say, but it is not always the truth. Your husband doesn't like this man and wants to be removed from him, or have the man removed. So yes move your husband. However this doesn't mean that the man is hurting your husband. Often there simply has to be a good personality fit with a caregiver and a patient, and sounds like there isn't here. Good luck.
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This is a tough one. On one hand, your husband has no reason to lie to you, and it sounds like you need to change his facility and see if it makes a difference. On the other hand, it's very difficult to be a caregiver to someone who resists your assistance when being moved - and a Hoyer lift or other mechanical device can cause very painful pinch injuries, even when used in the most careful manner. My own dad required a lift to get him in and out of bed due to his size, and one of the nurse's aides at the NH wasn't paying attention to where his testicles were when they moved him one day...and guess what happened. (Someone needs to educate these folks about the fact that an elderly man's "parts" hang down lower than a young man's, thus causing a pinch risk!) So a lift really might not be the answer, either, if he resists assistance due to his dementia.

I would strongly recommend finding another situation for him, ASAP....one that specializes in dementia. It sounds like the facility he's in is not quite up to par.
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Find a home that uses lifts, A sling fits over his body and he is lifted gently form one place to the other. Saves backs and saves personal injury to patients. If he is a Veteran all VA's are required to have and use lifts.
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I can truly feel your pain. My father suffered from dementia, and now my sister, age 86 has it. For a while, she was still living in her home and being "cared for" by a sitter that was assigned through a home health agency. After her condition deteriorated so dramatically, her son moved her to the city where he resides. He shopped around and found an assisted living facility that has a well staffed memory care unit. My sister is at the point that she no longer recognizes family, but she is no longer agitated and seems to be in a fairly good frame of mind. If at all possible, I would suggest that you try to find a facility that has staff trained to care for dementia patients. Good luck to you and may God bless you and your family.
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My husband is clearly resentful of any one who does not speak English. You may have to find a place with all good ol' boys to satisfy his prejudice. No fault of the caregivers, mind you, it's just not workable when someone resents the help.
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I would try to locate a different place for your husband. Ask to speak with the caregivers and listen to their ability to clearly speak English. If your husband has some cognitive issues or just old age, introducing a person with very limited English to care for him isn't going to work.
Further, many staff tend to just start lifting the patient without preparing them for the move. They need to explain to the patient that they will be transferring them to the bed or wheelchair etc. It is little wonder that he may resist moving if he doesn't know the "game plan".

I also think it is often more safe if a proper patient lift is used for transfers on elderly who can no longer stand or walk.

I have noticed bruising on my father when he was being transferred at hospitals and rehabs. I don't believe it was intentional however the elder does feel the pain. The elders are in a fragile state and it does not take much force to bruise them. Just look at an elder's arm after they received an IV treatment, it is likely their arm is bruised and showing redness or shades of purple.

Good luck. I hope you can get around the language issue. I would see if there is another male aide capable of making safe transfers without a language barrier for your husband to deal with at the same facility if the nursing staff is
appropriate and kind to him. This would eliminate the need for the transfer.
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No matter how much u love him & trust him to say the truth the dementia is in control not him...i live with this every day myself my father has dementia stage 2....he believes things that are not true...says he sees things that are not there, thinks there are people coming in his house at night but thats inpossiable....please before you accuse the caregiver....you need to do ur home work....since u have moved him twice now for the same reasons....u need to due ur due dillagence. Good luck xoxo
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Tiny450, you are thinking of an EasyPivot. I've had a few muscular dystrophy patients really like those better than the sling lifts. Our Medicaid does not cover them because they are more expenive. Overhead lifts are the most expensive but some people get them on Waiver and really, really like them a lot.
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