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Can a letter be written of my fathers wishes for his wife who has dementia who has not been diagnosed yet on paper that she is not competent to take care of herself, finances, meals etc. Is it a legal document if he tells us the care he wants for her so other family members don't jump in and move in someone, argues with us they don't want her at home, or they don't want her admitted to a facility? Can he state he wants us to be the guardian for her/or him if something happens to him or her say tomorrow ? He doesn't want to have to go to court and declare her incompetent and fight over who upholds their wishes for each other but he does want to state no family moves in the home, no family relative or friend will take care of her, he wants us to keep her in the home and hire an outside experienced nurse/caregiver of our choice and desires no family dispute over their care. Being we have POA I know we have some say but we want it in writing and notarized so there are no questions , verbal details can be forgotten or incorrectly taken if not in writing. Can we sit down and write this up for both parents, we would like to ask how to word it or is this something an attorney has to draw up also and then he calls both children in and discusses it and gives each a copy. Thoughts would be appreciated.

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If they have a trust and all pertinent documents it can be added as a stipulation in the trust. Ours states that our desire is to remain in home with required care provided by professionals.

I would speak with the attorney or an attorney to find out the best way to do this to ensure their wishes are fulfilled.

Our documents also state if guardianship is required we wish our trustee to be appointed. The court makes the final decision, so you can't appoint a guardian only say who you would trust to fulfill that position.

Www.nelf.org can help you find a certified elder law attorney in your area. I highly recommend using this resource, we were given some seriously incorrect information by so called elder estate specialists attorneys, estate and elder law are two different fields.

Best of luck getting all of this legal to stop any bickering.
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Yes, preferences can be put into legal documents. @Isthisrealyreal has good advice. A video recording of your father and mother (if she's able) both stating clearly and lovingly what they want for their elder years and end of life can be a very powerful tool as well. It helps if the lawyer is present for the video taping and you are not in the room at the time. No one can say you pressured him or coaxed him.
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He can’t appoint you as his wife’s guardian. Only the court can do that.
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