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My husband, Bill, is at that point in Alz. where he is between reality and the unknown. He is in Rehab after his fall on Easter Day and ending up in a Shock Trauma Hospital. He is recovering from those injuries. Beginning to make some sense again. He is afraid of the very large man giving him showers in the morning. He says he is very gruff and orders him around, makes him strip naked. Well of course he has to do these things but so many of the patients there are much worse than Bill. He understands that so many of the patients are out there. He calls them crazy. Many can't talk or speak only gibberish. While we sat in his room and watched a baseball game on TV, at least 6 patients wandered in and out. One came in and had a bowel movement in his bathroom and left. She did not flush and left a mess. Another was crying and doesn't speak at all. It was upsetting to me and surely to him. He started to cry and said, " I wanted to kill myself before you got here. Bill is normally very pleasant and happy. I have never heard him talk like this and I have never seen him cry in 37 years except at a funeral. I want to bring him home and think I will next week when some work is finished at my home. It will not be so confusing at home by then. I know you are going to say leave him there. But he does understand much more than the other patients. I feel like he won't be at that point for another year or maybe 6 months. I want him to be happy above all. Well looks like I just answered my own question. I am asking God for guidance in this tough situation.

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Praying for God's Presence in all of this. I just want to honor the man who showed me so much love throughout the last 37 years. He is saying I love you again every time I leave him at the home. We will get through this! I am gathering support from other sources.
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God be with you wamna, I hope your strength holds out.
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My husband is coming home on Friday. I just checked out a day care center. He will not refuse other caregivers because that is part of my leverage of bringing him home. He still understands that much and knows I will not ever allow him to be alone again. I have an alarm system on my house that will go off if he tries to exit during the night and will wake me up. So far he is a really good sleeper. Sleeps from 8PM to 7 AM solidly. I hope that remains the same for a while at least. He has been in the secure unit because of wandering off that one time and getting himself into big trouble. Most of the patients are really bad and many do not talk at all. Some just talk gibberish and babble. My husband says, "These people are nuts!" And then he said,"I guess I am too." I said, "No, you understand most of what I say." He knows he wants out of that particular unit.
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So glad to hear you got hooked up with the VA. They saved our lives. My husband is a Korean War vet and receives all his medical care at the VA here in Madison. They set him up with a wonderful day care and cover the entire cost, except transport. He goes 4 days a week,7 hours a day and he gets two baths. Because I can still take care of him nights and wkends, this has kept him out of a NH, at least for now. If your husband served during war time, even if he didn't go over seas, ask someone about a" war time pension" It even includes a salary for you as caregiver. Good luck and God bless you both.
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This is for everyone who has someone afraid in a nursing facility.... Check in to it thoroughly and I'm not kidding. People do bad things to others sometimes when your not looking
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I want to make a couple comments based on my experience with my Dad. First is, these dementias ARE nutty and I notice that my Dad has days where he makes a lot more sense and has more awareness, and then other days, he is not with the program the entire day. Just be aware, that bringing him home may need to have a plan for some kind of care giving in the home. If I were in your place, I would start with a minimum plan, just to have an agency/caregiver on board, because 24/7 is a LOT for one person to do, especially as he gets worse, or if he has good days and bad days. Better for him to understand that the helper coming is part of bringing him home to stay....that have to go through the fight I had to go through to get a helper being acceptable when needed more and more! And my second thought is, YOU need to plan how you will care for YOU! I SOOOO wish my Dad could be at home, but my mother has her own dementia and they never got along well anyhow....so she is not able to be his caregiver in their own home. Both refused help. It was a fight. Mom is still home alone and still refuses help....she only wants 'family' there. I live 5 hrs away, with husband and business and no siblings left. So, bring him home with a caregiver plan even if only a couple hours per day. Use that time for YOU...to get away, run errands, see a friend, keep a medical app't for you, whatever. Hopefully he will or is sleeping well at night still, so you at least get your rest at night! But to walk this walk, 24/7 all by yourself will be difficult!
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On second thought I would support the persons that suggested you look at alternatives, maybe since you want to keep him home as long as you can then look at hiring someone to come in an hour or two either in the morning or evening, which ever is preferred for the daily bath etc. Maybe use that time for a nice brisk walk if possible….good luck, there are no easy answers.
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When my husband gets to that point, I might just hire a stripper to give him a shower while she wears her work clothes. (LOL)
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Ask to have another care giver do it and see if there is a difference .
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Look for a smaller Rehab placement. I would want the doctor to say he is physically ok to bring home before doing that. It sounds to me like he is in a unit that is for those who are very impaired. The staff should know how to deal with folks on various levels, but it does not sound like they do. Yes, talk to the supervisor that the bathing nurse is too large and too gruff sounding to your father. They probably have a big man assisting secondary to lifting issues. (I used to be the big strong girl, now I have a bad back.)
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Trust your instincts and bring him home. Mostly anyone would want to be in their own home they feel safe in, and he won't have to have that big man give him a shower. Incidentally, for dementia patients, the running shower water represents fire to them and many are afraid of showers according to a study done at ASU psychology dept. So if the showering bothers him at home, just let him sponge bath if he can. The two of you should be together and as long as you are comfortable with him at home, then bring him home! Best wishes.
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If you are not sure that you can manage his care at home, I would consider another facility. It sounds like there is not enough staff to supervise the patients.

Nursing Home Compare (www.medicare.gov/NHcompare) provides information about skilled nursing facilities in your area. Your local ombudsman is another resource. These resources will get you started, but do not replace a visit to the facility, by you, before you make a decision.
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I think you have to talk to the supervisor. your parent has a right to be treated with respect and the people coming in his room is the responsibility of the staff. you should not have to have a door closed so they don't wander in ..that is making your parent a prisoner in their own room. raise your voice a bit with this..its their job..my mom just went into a 120 unit place. I wanted a smaller place they get more attention and less chance of too many different aides taking care of her. when she sees the same people taking care of her I noticed less fear when they come to help. also helps me keep track and believe me I do of the goings on. if there is a problem with being uncomfortable with an aide you have the right to request another person. I banned 2 drs. in the er from touching my mother because they both made wrong diagnosis for her and could have been bad endings. keep on the staff and go when they least expect you. if you go at the same day same time they watch when you're coming and that info came from my moms former home aide who works in a nursing home...don't get into to it with the individual take pics, write times, dates NAMES. I just went through an episode with a nurse and let it go. went and filed a complaint...works...
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Have you spoken with the man who bathes him? When my mother was in a skilled nursing facility I did my best to get to know the regular staff, and introduced them all to my mother, and we got to know their names, a little about their families and where they were from. It was easier for her to accept bathing and care from people who she felt were friends. I was not above bringing food and snacks to the staff, and giving them chocolates. If anyone was unpleasant or careless with her, I asked (told) the supervisor immediately. And I tried to leave her alone there as little as possible.
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I agree about a small home. My husband was in one and they were the most caring, kind people I ever saw/ They took such great care of him an he seemed happy there.They were like a family.
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Why put him in a nursing home then? Search around at small homey, 6 bed RCFE'd and you will not only get better care by far, but same a considerable amount of money too. Residential care facilities for the elderly are out there and only take a little research to find a good one. Large nursing homes and the like are the worst way to go. Check it out and you will be amazed.
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Thanks for the advice. The wanders were disturbing to me and I know they were for him too! I found out yesterday at a Caregivers Conference that he is entitled to veteran's assistance with caregiving at home! I am very excited about this. Will call on Monday and set up appointments with this person as well as PT and OT at the home. Trying to clean up the mess at home today!
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Try talking to the floor supervisor. If you husband is only frightened of that one large nurse aid, then perhaps there is a less imposing, less intimidating one who can be assigned to your husband. I would not just let this go.

I agree about the wanderers, coming into the room. Shut the door. Even when you are not there, your husband deserves privacy and should be allowed to keep his door closed, if he wishes.
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I would suggest that you plan ahead for him to come home with caregivers coming to the house to help, even if for the minimum amount of time. If hubby understands this is how he gets back home, then you won't have the fight later about how he doesn't want anyone helping him except you! Once someone is coming occasionally, he will be used to it, and will 'befriend' them and in the future, as you need to increase help to keep you healthy and OK, he'll not notice the caregiver time increasing. This notion of help in the home was a VERY difficult transition for me with my parents. If he is able to come home and you have minimal caregiver time, you have a plan with an agency ready to go as needs increase too, which is nice. Our caregiver only came for 3 hours, 3 times a week to start with. Most agencies have a minimal time that you must agree to unless you find someone who is independent, and then, unless recommended, harder to ascertain their abilities or honesty.
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Wamna, the doctor can order an anxiolytic to be given an hour before shower time. We have to give sis an Ativan before dentist and OB visits. It helps. As far as wanderers in the room, tell them to leave. They will go. Shut the door when you visit, you are entitled to privacy. I hope you can get him out of there soon, it is so very hard. Work with the PT /OT on how you can help the recovery.
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God bless You, You bless ALL. I go moment to moment some days. Some days, mostly when I am not the enemy, are wonderful & you caught me in the mist of a 12 hr. time frame where I am not the enemy. SMILE.....
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wamnanealz, many of us would not tell you to just leave him there. If you and he can manage it at home better than there, then take him home when he is ready. If it becomes too much in the future, you can make plans then. There are two big considerations -- where he can receive the care he needs and where he (and you) will be happy. If you can afford it, you may want to hire help so that it isn't too much on you. Hugs to you and Bill.
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God bless you both in this difficult time.
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