I am a paid live in companion caretaker. I care of an 83 year old man with early signs of dementia. His daughter has hired me to care for her Dad. He is affectionate and asks for hugs in the morning and night and asks me to sit by him and hold his hand for a few minutes. I have been doing this because I feel human touch is very important and I am warm and caring person. That said, his daughter has approached me and stated he was telling people at the senior center I would sit on his lap and was "snuggling" with him. None of these things are true and I have never heard him say that to the many friends and family who call him to chat throughout the day. But he does have flirtatious type interactions with other seniors at the center .There has NEVER been ANY inappropriate interactions between us. There our cameras in the living room and kitchen/dining room on at all times. She can clearly see there has never been anything you can even remotely misconstrue as inappropriate. She has asked me to not sit next to her Father nor hold his hand anymore. She refused to tell him that this was her request so she left it to me. He is a very sweet man and he is soo very upset by this and is upset with his daughter, and claims she's controlling every little thing. I never say a negative thing about this to her Dad but she keeps insuiating that I'm the cause of his distress with her. I am heartbroken and feel very unsure about my role here. One more thing, when my Grandkids came with my daughter to pick me up for my 54th Birthday last week. He just adored them and told them to call him Pap Pap. They are 8,6,4, and 2. They loved him to pieces. I was told by his daughter that was inappropriate and they were not allowed to call him Pap, only by his first name. There have been a few more comments that she has made (for example; well Dad did you ever go sit by Mom on the couch and hold her hand?) that leave me feeling quite unsure of her expectations of me, even though I have tried to validate her concerns, repeat back her requests for confirmation and have been kind and respectful in all our interactions. Her Mother my clients wife just passed away 10 months ago. I have only been here for 3 and a half weeks. Am I missing something or am I correct in my instinct that this could be jealousy? I'm thinking I should probably start looking for another position elsewhere. I have excellent references and years of experience working with elder/dementia and developmentally disabled adults. I have never found my self in this type of situation before. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have some questions for you, if you don’t mind. As my suggestions for how to possibly deal with this will be based on the answers….. So how are you getting paid to be a live in caretaker? I assume that you do not work for an agency, is that right?
So like What type of agreement was done btwn you and his daughter? Is it in writing and dated prior to Day 1 3.5 weeks ago? Did the daughter do this an an employer / employee? Are you paid based on a 40 hr work week? with overtime paid? how are hours being tracked? Is she doing full FICA for you? So you have filled out a W-9 and perhaps an I-9 as well? So this is 100% a reportable to IRS job? How is your in-kind compensation (to be living in this home) dealt with? Do you have set time off? and when that happens is he left alone?
Or is this a verbal agreement and done very casually?
Do you have your own car so you can totally leave when you are not on duty?
How did your being hired as a live in come about? Any idea if she contacted your past references before hiring you or since?
The late wife died 10 mo ago. Was there a caregiver prior to you?
Only you can decide if staying will be worth it for YOU. She'll find him another caregiver and if it's a female, will probably go through the same thing. If I were you I wouldn't be hugging or holding him, as this I think you don't understand how common it is in people with dementia to confabulate romantic relationships where none exist.
You can either stop doing it (and tell him some therapeutic fib why you can't) or you find a new job. It may benefit your professional self to do some further education about dementia so you can keep professional boundaries with future clients.
I would think living there makes it hard to be professional but you need to do that. He is Mr Jones to your grands and daughter. I would hold hands with my Dad, but not my male client. With Dementia he may eventually think there is more to your relationship. Sorry, I would not even hug him but then I am not a hugger.