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I look at you all as kind understanding friends. My younger siblings have refused to let me take care of mom and moved her to youngest sister home, where they can use her money and not have the best care for mom. I have medical experience and can care for mom, they just want the money. Now they want me to give up my family and come live with them to do mom and their other chores. I love my mom but she never loved me, and now she has dementia. I cry every night thinking how sad her care is. I am to be at younger sister's beck and call every time they want a break and need time away from a dementia mother. She has seriously gone down hill since I took care of her for 6 weeks exactly one year ago. Hubby says I am being to sensitive. I feel caught in a tornado of emotions. Any advise would be appreciated.

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"I love my mom but she never loved me, and now she has dementia."

What a painful situation, Oddsisterout. I don't think you're being too sensitive, but I'm not sure getting involved in what sounds like a not-great caregiving situation would be a good idea either.

Would you consider talking about this with a counselor, a pastor, a therapist, etc? Of course it's got to be devastating for you, a tornado of emotions as you say. I think it be worth the time and money talking about the whole thing in depth with a counselor.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you SnoopyLove. Will talk to someone, other than hubby.
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I want to say that I think that you should let your siblings have their own way. They wanted her to your exclusion, they have her. Do not go and be their little flunky dancing to their tune.

No matter what you do for this thing called mother she will never give you the love and validation that you still so desperately desire. I would recommend that you get counseling to get over needing, wanting, desiring a mothers love. She doesn't have it to give.

If your siblings have control of the money tell them that you are not able to accommodate them and you recommend that they hire an aide or place mom in respite so they can enjoy their holidays without having to care for her. No is a complete sentence, you don't have to tell them anything about why you are not able to take care of her.

You deserve better than what your family is doing, only you can stop their crappy treatment of you.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you Isthisrealyreal. I love your name by the way. It is how I feel every time I get an update on Mom's condition. Too bad I don't get the truth from my sister, but rather from her unsuspecting husband. It is too bad money is clouding the situation. Prayers for my Mom.
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Your post has me a little confused--and husbands are notorious (sorry guys) for minimizing our worries as being 'overly sensitive'--mine sure does.

They say that nobody can 'make you feel bad' but they can sure pile on the hurtful words and expect you to take it and turn the other cheek and take some more.

So, do you WANT to take care of mom in your home? Or does she make you feel unloved and miserable? I can't quite catch the tone here.

Once dementia has set in, it's best if you make fewer changes to the LO. Staying in one place, with one routine.

I never felt like my mom loved me either. I think there's a lot of us out there who feel that way. It is what it is--we have our reasons to believe that and if we choose to believe it, then we CAN. Sometimes it's much healthier to accept what we cannot change.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you Midkid58. We gladly took Mom into our home, but it was decided she would go with sibling. since sister needed the money.
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It would be so very interesting to see how human beings would behave themselves if there was no such thing as 'money'. Because we know for a fact that money tends to be the source of such evil, such greed, such envy.......it's horrible. It's all my mother can talk about, especially lately as her dementia has progressed, and how 'lucky' others who have money ARE, and how 'unlucky' she is who doesn't have any. Meanwhile, she's living in a MC place that costs $6500 a month, private pay, that SHE is paying for out of her OWN money. Sigh.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It's too bad your younger siblings are SO interested in 'money' that they can't concentrate on doing what's right for you, for your mother, and for all concerned. I understand why you're making yourself available to them when they want a break to vacation or whatever.........so you'll have another chance to care for your mom. It's sad that you've never felt love from her, too, the one who's given the MOST to her over the years. Isn't that sometimes the way?

You're not 'too sensitive' either. So tell DH that perhaps he'd understand how YOU feel if HE had a mother who never loved HIM! Humpfff. Tell him to put THAT in his pipe and smoke it.

And while you're at it, tell your good-for-nothing-greedy younger siblings that they should be ashamed of themselves for giving their mother such shoddy care and only being concerned with money. You know what they say about karma being a beatch and all that, right? :)

Wishing you all the best.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you lealonnie1. FYI hubby's mom deserted him when he was born and he was raised by his grandparents. Maybe he is just bitter towards mom's and MIL. I love him dearly, and Karma. BTW mom's house is now being treated for bugs, and with all the renovations they want the family to go to Mom's house to help clean it up and visit with her. I kindly suggested I stay with mom at sister's home and they clean!! They have the POA and take care of all the financial stuff. Funny to learn what they will decide to do.
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My opinion, you are crying over someone who you claim abused you. I believe in forgiveness but it doesn't mean you have to care for her. Sister came and pulled Mom out of your home for control over the money. How do you think ur sisters will treat you once your living with them. Your life will be hell and your family suffers. Your priority is to ur husband and kids.

And believe me when I say, spending Moms money on anything but her, will cause a penalty if she ever needs Medicaid. Sister needs to have a caregiver agreement in place if she feels she needs to be paid. Also, if she is charging Mom rent, there needs to be an agreement. You can't use someone elses SS for anything but the person its for.

I saw a TV program years ago. It explained that an abused child is always trying to find a way for the abusive parent to love them. I would just tell sisters "sorry, I can't help. I tried and you took Mom out of my home. I have responsibility for my own family. Its really not fair that you ask me to give that up for a woman who abused me and made me feel unloved. If u need help, call Medicaid and see if Mom fits their criteria. May get an aide."

Its nice that you are compassionate but use that on someone who deserves it.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you JoAnn29. Am using your advice and spending quality time with hubby and remaining children. Just found out sister is using Mom's money to pay for the rental property where they are now living. I say it again, money clouds people's minds. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom!!
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You have your answer when you said she never loved you. Dementia probably won't change that. Pray for her, wish her well if you like, then get on with life.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you shad250. Even though she was mentally cruel to me, I do still love her, but I feel more sorry for her. Those children that she loved are using her, while I care for her well being. So sad, to tell the truth.
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You say that your mother "never loved you". I find that difficult to believe. But if it is indeed the case I find it even more difficult to believe that you continue to pant after her begging/needing affection she has never given you. Leave her to the Sisters. Leave the Sisters to her. You have a family. Live with your family with great joy and happiness. Make quality lives for your own family. We have two chances for a great family. The one we are born into, and the one we make ourselves. Stop wasting energy. You will never get what you want from someone who withheld it from you for her entire life. You want to hear that she loves you so much and you are so wonderful. You are wasting energy hoping for that, and the more you want it the less likely you are to get it. Use that sensitivity to give love where it is needed and wanted, because (especially at this time of year) there are senior living facilities where people have NOTHING and NO ONE to love and listen to them. I just listened to one last week, who told me the most fascinating and wonderful stories about growing up with five siblings in the desert. A whole life of humor and love and tragedy lived and longing to tell someone about it. Go out and do good for those who want your goodness. Love and hugs out to you.
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worriedinCali Nov 2019
You’ve been here long enough & heard enough stories that it shouldn’t be difficult to believe that her mom never loved her.
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I don’t think you are overly sensitive. I think you feel like the situation is a huge burden.

It’s never easy, is it? I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. Dementia is so upsetting on it’s own.

Dealing with feeling unloved is making it even harder. Add siblings to the mix it becomes a nightmare, doesn’t it? I feel your pain. I don’t have it easy with my siblings either.

In fact I look at them as strangers now. They simply don’t exist in my life anymore because it wasn’t worth the headache.

I hope that you will be able to find a solution to your troubles.

I agree with getting counseling to cope.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you NeedHelpWithMom. Money is clouding the sibling views on care for mom. Glad I am NOT in the will, according to them.
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It is not like your concerns are not real.

Those updates can be extremely toxic and manipulative. And, untrue or biased. Get a grip on your emotions by listening to less updates.
Go by what you actually see or hear from professional caregivers.

If there are real actionable concerns, you can call APS.

I am absolutely useless when it is all being rehearsed in my head with emotional upsets and worry. I am standing by, keeping an eye out.

But you have a life to live with your family today. Take a day, do nothing. Find out what that feels like for you.
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OddSisterOut Nov 2019
Thank you Sendhelp. Had a quiet Thanksgiving without computer and updates. It is what it is, and I will learn how to handle the updates with a "grain of Salt!"
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So happy that your husband apologized and is concerned about the treatment you are receiving from your siblings. Makes a huge difference when you know that your man has your back.

Yeah, I was feeling exactly like you are when I was dealing with my dad, I was floored with each new revelation and I couldn't believe that it was all real.
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