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Mom has anxiety, agitation, urgency and now dementia. She has been making poor decisions, and has always been obsessive, compulsive, and even discontent. She is a good person, but difficult. Now with dementia she is about to sell her second home and buy a third. She always wears us down. She caused my dad to sell the home he loved. He is gone now, but yesterday she nearly had us convinced to give her car keys back. We didn't, but what is wrong with us? We are hostages to her illness. In her anger she can argue and articulate well, and cry. So how would you define first her behavior? And then ours? I am looking for some precise words or descriptions, medical or common, to help me process these thoughts and questions. We are legally close to having help and a solution to this problem. If we don't get help, we will continue to live this life of battling and managing her behavior. We cannot.

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You're probably not going to change your moms behavior but you can change yours. She's playing you like a fiddle.

You've managed to end the driving. Don't even think of giving the keys back. You can get docs and experts to diagnose you and your mom, come up with clinical names, but what really matters is that you stand up to her emotional tricks.  Have you considered counseling?

What is wrong with us? Nothing that a little tough love won't cure.

PS: just re read your post while proofing.

Legally close to having help and a solution?  Can you elaborate?
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"So how would you define first her behavior?" Manipulative.
"And then ours?" Manipulated.
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It sounds like your mother has a touch of mania going on. If she does an antidepressant could make it worse. My mother took a couple of antidepressants that made her hypomanic. She ended up doing things like washing coins and doing all the laundry in the house. This doesn't sound bad, but it was. It wore her out, too. Seeing how she responded to the two antidepressants made me wonder if she had late-onset bipolar. She is normally fairly content to do nothing, but shifted into overdrive on those drugs.

A good geriatric psych will try different drugs with your mother until you find one or a combination that makes her comfortable and content as possible. I hope you can find the right mix, if only for your own sanity.
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Have you ever considered taking your mom to a geriatric psychiatrist and having an open and frank discussion about her behaviors?
In my mom's journey through Mild Cognitive Impairment and then Vascular Dementia, we found the geripsych to be the folks who understood the whole person best.

Medication of my mom's depression and anxiety helped enormously.

When someone tries to convince you to do something that you know is harmful and you have trouble saying no to, it's often a matter of lack of good psychological boundaries.

 Folks with narcissism, folks with Borderline Personality Disorder are examples of folks who will try to wear you down into doing what THEY want, even if you know it's not in your or their best interest.

You may need some help in developing those boundaries and the ability to say 
" no" firmly. 

Mom may tantrum, or cry. Just let her.  If she has dementia, she probably won't  "learn" from this. But you do need to keep her safe.
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I believe that Michigan is about to become her mom's guardian. Mom will then go to Assisted Living.

She keeps asking the OP why she can't live alone, but calls OP 20 times a day, saying there are intruders, emergencies. Pretty sad situation and very wearing.
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You mention that your mom has dementia but not which type. Has she been formally evaluated and diagnosed? Often the evaluation process helps clarify things like your mom's insight to her changes (ability to understand her deficits), her judgement abilities and decision making capacity. If you need to take action to protect her assets it is very helpful to have these problems documented in her medical record. I would recommend getting Neuropsychological testing by a PhD neuro-psychologist if available in your area. They can often help distinguish cognitive decline from underlying personality traits. You can ask her primary care for a referral or ask for a referral to a cognitive neurologist.
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Agree 1000 per cent with Jessie. Geripsychs were a Godsend in managing my mom's problems.
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A neuropsych exam and a psychiatric evaluation are two very different animals. Neuropsych tells you about cognition ( thinking, reasoning, remembering, language skills); the psychiatrist tells you about how the mind is processing reality and approaching life ( is reality testing intact, is there a thought disorder, can the person explain was is happening logically).
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Thanks all I really appreciate the insights. Mom has been full tested and an 8 hour psych exam. We really didn't get concrete answers. I am willing to repeat all testing if it would help. First it was thought vascular dementia, but after testing, Lewy Body was suggested. But so was the use of Xanax - she had 3 pills total in her life but they can't seem to get that through their heads. Also her Seroquel was mentioned as a possible cause but she had this behavior long before the Seroquel. Disappointed in the long awaited testing and the long awaited answers. No doctor has ever agreed to give her an anti anxiety or antidepressant bit I think it would have helped her. She tells the doctor she's a happy person...... We are seeking guardianship.
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You had a neurocognitive evaluation done. She was sent by a neuropsychologist, neurologist and psychiatrist or other psychiatric professional. And they told you, What? That her cognitive processes were Intact? And that she had no discernable psychiatric diagnosis?

Or did they confirm that she had dementia?
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