My father is in assisted living as some of you may know. Without going into detail a family member must be there on certain dates in the next 2 months. My brother informed me last week that him and his family are travelling for 2 months starting this weekend. I told him that I will be away for certain dates for work in the next two months. Some of these dates are the dates when family needs to be at assisted living. So now my brother and his family are very angry with me because they need to cancel their travel plans. I can't cancel my work plans but they can cancel their leisure travel plans. I understand it's difficult for them but they shouldn't blame everything on me!
I feel so sick over they way I am being treated (and have been treated). How would you handle this?
This isn't a life or death situation as you tend to make everything out to be, if in fact it's even true, as I don't know of any facility that requires a family member to be there on certain days of any month.
The only time I'm aware is if a care meeting has been scheduled and then it's at the convenience of all parties involved.
Every story is about how good you are Lisa, and how everyone around you is bad (your brother, the rich lady, etc., etc., everyone).
The AL will just have to reschedule those dates, right? They can't be too important if your brother is going off on a 2-month vacation.
How's your job going? What is it that you do?
Your brother has plans.
Both are FINE.
In most cases family doesn't even LIVE in the same area where a loved on is in care, so the "rules" you mention are beyond ludicrous.
You simply call the facility and tell the admins that no one is available that day. And wish them a good day, as I wish one to you, Lisa.
I think both you and brother make mountains out of molehills. Brother is paying big bucks to this AL. They don't tell him what to do, he tells them what he can do. He seems to be assertive enough with you, he needs to be with the AL too.
No one has to cancel anything. Move on!
Enough already, every two weeks you come up with another drama filled event, just to have something to post about, and it always is about your brother, Give it a rest...and us too!
I am sure the facility gets asked to reschedule meetings often.
You and your brother are like oil and water. I can’t imagine the stress that this causes for your father. He is caught in the middle of your ongoing conflicts. Your dad doesn’t need to witness this ongoing drama.
Your dad is now being well cared for by a staff, which was the best choice for him. Please try to relax.
Why would your brother expect you to fill in for him when he goes out of town? Did you offer to help him if he needed help? Does he feel that you want to be more involved?
I get the sense that you deeply resent your brother. You don’t have to be in control. What difference does it make, as far as who does what, as long as your dad is cared for properly?
Be thankful that your brother cares about your dad as much as you do. Give respect to receive respect.
Stop questioning every single detail of your brother’s life. Why should he have to cancel plans with his family? Nor do you have to take off work.
Either he or you can call your dad’s facility and ask them to reschedule.
If you and your brother can’t speak civilly with each other then maybe you should just avoid one another altogether.
Take care of yourself and I hope that your brother has a wonderful vacation with his family.
How.many days does AL need someone there? Why do they need someone there? Why not schedule/was it not scheduled for say, September?
In fact, you posted (complained) and so far, haven’t replied at all.
It’s like dumping negative garbage.
By the way, it’s one thing to be upset with 3,4 people.
When you’re complaining about everyone, it means there’s a problem…
You’re not happy with yourself. You’re not happy with your life. To make yourself feel better, you complain about others, criticize others, everyone. You keep doing this again and again.
Take the blame out - change the pattern.
What's the latest problem?
What are the possible solutuons?
Find one that works.
Some folks in AL have no family. Some have family that live 3000 mikes away.
Lisa, I suggest that if/when your brother informs you that you "must" do something, you first ask yourself why and if it is really a "must".
It took me a long time to get into the habit of asking "why" as my mom aged.
“Without going into detail a family member must be there on certain dates in the next 2 months.”
I don’t think that has to do with care meetings, or AL request. I think OP’s dad just wants a family member there.
OP, your question: How would I handle this?
I would make sure I have a great job, good future financially, great friends (you said you have no friends. You just have one old friend, who’s sick and who you’re not willing too cheer up, because he can’t do much for you now). Then, I would also make sure I spend less time speaking negatively about everyone. And lastly, I’d spend more time praising people here and there, instead of pointing out always that I’m better than them.
This can easily be done through Zoom or any other type of video chatting.
Any facilty only requires the POA/conservator to be present in person or through video.
I'm sure your father would prefer you going to work every day instead of getting fired because you go to his AL meetings.
Assisted living doesn't get to vacuum up the time of family members and require them to change their vacations.
Geez, just leave dad alone to tend to his assisted living issues. He's probably tired of all the drama and wants to go to sleep. For which no one needs to be there, since watching chrome rust would be about as helpful.
Assisted living doesn't get to vacuum up the time of family”
I think everyone here is getting the wrong impression. I don’t think it has anything to do with AL requesting this.
I think OP’s dad asked family to please be there some days.
Admittedly - my experience with elder care facilities in a permanent capacity is limited. But so far - outside of any kind of "emergency" response - I haven't come across a single occurrence that even required family to be involved except "at will" or at their convenience. And even the emergency responses didn't require actual "in person" responses.
I will say that I know there are some people that believe they have capitulate without any pushback, the very first offer of meeting schedule or directive when it comes to care plans or things of that nature. And all due respect, there are also people who wish to create an illusion of martyrdom - at the sacrifices they MUST make all of the time for the sake of others - when all they really have to do is say "That won't work for me."
I used to struggle with the word "No." and its variations. Things like "That won't work for me." and "That's not really part of my job." and "I don't really feel like like doing that." all felt like some kind of betrayal of some inherent part of ME.
What I learned -was that it was part of the society in which I was raised. To take on too much, to people please. Its not that I don't like to help people. I LOVE to help people. And I will bend over backwards to help people - when it makes sense. But the part that would make me feel sick to tell people "No."? She found some power in the fact that she was telling herself "Yes!".
Lisa, when you come here and post, what I often hear is an "everyone is out to get me" story. It is very easy to slip into that mentality when you decide that everyone else gets to do whatever they want and you have to clean up their messes. That is a choice though. What I discovered most about myself is that if I was unhappy with having too much on my plate, or being upset with other people for taking advantage of me...that wasn't THEIR fault. It was my own fault....for allowing it to happen. They couldn't do that to me - unless I let them. They didn't control my "Yes". I did. They didn't control my accepting their expectations. I did. They couldn't tell me what I was going to do with my time. I CHOSE what I was going to do with my time. And if I gave it to ungrateful people - that was on ME.
Instead of saying "My brother is ungrateful for all that I do. I am sick over the way that I am treated. I shouldn't be blamed for everything...."
Why not "What on earth is so important that it required SET dates that cannot wait? My job is important. My brother's vacation is important. My father is in good hands. Whatever it is can wait. It can be rescheduled. No one has to sacrifice. No one has to be a martyr or take the blame."
Your best bet here is to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
No one can make you feel inferior without YOUR consent - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Stop taking the blame. But stop blaming them! The world is not out to get you. But they will get you if you think they are.
Brother & fam taking their holiday.
Lisa attending work trips.
Crises averted.
Or was it a just a minor storm in a tea cup that settled without much effort needed at all?
Maybe due to the past sibling conflict every new issue *feels* like a crises.
Homework: crises or teacup?