My mom has vascular dementia. She is still in the early stages of the disease, but suffers from paranoia, delusions, and has no short-term memory.
She gets fixated on her hair stylist. Her first noticeable symptoms that something was wrong was that she started accusing my dad of cheating on her with the stylist. Along with the cheating accusations, I found her having conversations with herself as though the stylist was in the room with her and she was implying that the stylist was her daughter and would be giving her dating advice. Whenever I call (once a week) and visit (every other week) she will ask me how the stylist is doing and sometimes calls my sister the hair stylist's name.
My mom misplaced her purse a couple of weeks ago, and my dad found it, but before he found it, he thought she lost it at a mall they frequent. The hair stylist's studio is also located at the mall. Her brain has interpreted my dad thinking that she left her purse at the mall that her hair stylist has her purse.
I'm visiting for an extended period of my time while my dad is out of town for and work, and my first day here, she asked me if the stylist had given me her purse. My off the cuff response was that we thought the stylist had it, but found it in the house.
I thought that was the end of the it, but the next day she said that the stylist put the purse in the trunk of my car. I reiterated that we had found the purse in the house, but that we could check the trunk of my car. We checked, no purse, and that satisfied her -- for a couple of days.
Last night at dinner she asked me to please take her to her hair stylist so that she can get her purse. I lied and told her she doesn't work on Thursdays.
This morning at breakfast she said, "you are taking me to get my hair cut today, right?" (no mention of the purse). I told her the stylist called last night and she's sick so we will have to reschedule the appointment (that she didn't have to begin with).
I'm hoping someone has been through something similar before and can offer guidance. She's been seeing this stylist once every three months for about 10 years. Is her fixation on her "normal"? What are ways I can handle it better? I don't want to break one of the few routines she has left, but should I consider taking her somewhere else for haircuts?
Note: I went to the spot where my mom normally keeps her purse so that I could physically present it to her in case she brought it up again, but she misplaced it again and I haven't been able to find it.
As far as losing her purse goes, good luck. It's one issue after another when dementia is at play. Literally. They hide things for safe keeping then forget where they hid it, and then blame you for stealing it. It's the natural progression of a very ugly disease.
Best of luck to you.
The things you are mentioning is the face of the disease.
The things you are mentioning are dealt with one at a time until quite honestly there is no dealing with them at all and placement is the only option.
Your father is apparently doing well if he is still traveling and working. But his absences will likely exacerbate her delusions.
I think it is time for you and Dad to discuss placement for your mother, don't you?
I am wishing you both good luck. Honestly, in the last 5 years here I think there's no story I haven't heard more than once.
And there is no "answer" to dealing with dementia. The trajectory is DOWNWARD inexorably.
anti-anxiety med could do wonders for her.
2) when she starts up again, hand her some towels to fold and tell her you need some help with that.
Oh and put a tile or an AirTag in her wallet so you can ping it.
I'd tell Mom the stylist moved 2 states away, or retired.
I love the Air Tag idea. That would save so much time and trouble!
As for her purse, she can't be allowed to carry credit cards, cash, or her valid ID in her purse anymore. No more of that. Even at home. Whoever is taking her out now has to look after her money and things. Fill her wallet with things like points cards that different stores use or those phony credit cards that companies send in the mail because they want you to call about an offer. They look like real credit cards. You or your father now holds onto her ID, credit cards, and money because she can't be responsible.
Also, when a person gets fixated in a dementia loop, it's best to just ignore them. Answer once or twice then just refuse to discuss the topic any further because that just fuels the fire.
I'm afraid your mum isn't in the early stages of vascular dementia anymore.
It's best your mum doesn't see that stylist again. This also means that she can't go back to the mall where the salon is. It sounds like it might start to become difficult to manage your mum's behaviour in such a busy environment anyway.
Whenever you deal with delusions, such as your mum thinking someone else has her purse, or that her husband is unfaithful, please don't try to prove her thoughts are irrational or stupid. I'm not saying that's what you do, but I know it's a typical and normal reaction when dealing with someone with dementia.
Instead, try and maintain a neutral tone of voice. Say things like,"Oh, really? Let me check," giving you the time to think of and present an alternative version of events. Or, "I think we may have our wires crossed," which doesn't place the blame for confusion on anyone. Or, "You know, there could be another explanation," which doesn't invalidate how your mum thinks or feels, but allows you to try and change her mind.
Not that any of these will work for long - she'll soon loop back to whatever she has stuck in her brain at that time, but she might be comforted for a while.
I noticed that my mum became upset when I said things like, "Oh, you remember that, don't you?" I didn't mean to upset her, and I made a conscious effort to be more mindful.
In a lucid moment, Mum said that she no longer enjoyed watching her favourite comedy programmes, like Absolutely Fabulous, because they made her aware how much she wasn't understanding because she couldn't work out what was making the audience laugh. She liked watching police dramas because she said they're supposed to be confusing, so she didn't feel "wrong" when she couldn't work out what was happening.
You can't reason away dementia. Deflection and distraction work best, along with a non-commital and neutral tone.
Google Teepa Snow. Watch her webinars, free emails, buy her books, watch her You Tubes.
It sounds to me that your mother isn't in the early stages of the disease" -
You do not talk 'off the cuff' with a person with dementia. You are aware of how and what you say, realizing how they may interrupt / take in your words. This is why you need to study (more) of what dementia is and how to communicate with a person who has it.
Some ways to interact with your mom:
1. Primary is keeping her as calm as possible.
2. See if she needs medication.
3. Ensure she is safe (and not left alone)
4. If she needs more care, get it. Sounds like she needs 24/7 attendant / caregiver.
5. I would not engage her with the hair stylist fantasy/delusion (google "how to communicate with a person havingt delusions) - I would keep your answers short - and immediately change the subject.
6. She will likely go back to her delusional thinking - perhaps immediately.
You could say "I don't know." And change the subject.
7. This behavior will likely increase.
Ask a hair stylist - someone else - to come to the house. Some have businesses solely going to a client's home.
With her obsession with this hair dresser, I would not take her there again. This would seem to exacerbate the situation and you do not need that. ... Unless she is medicated, forgets that thought. Although I wouldn't chance it. Why? It is much easier to go somewhere else. And, then, the cycle could happen again.
Teepa can help you. Check out her webinars on how to communicate with a person with dementia. These relationships / communications are often by trial and error. We do the best we can ... find out what works and what doesn't. Even with all the studying I've done over the years, I have to be present with each person as each person's brain and areas of the brain are affected differently, with different personalities, and triggers.
You might try touch - a hand massage - some kind of distraction.
There may come a time when your mom thinks you are the hair stylist.
Anything is possible. You prepare as best you can ... take breaks ... get the support you need.
Have you considered that it might be time for your mom to be placed in a facility. I know these changes are very hard. You need to consider her best interests / safety and welfare / well being first ... I know you are. I wonder ... could you cut her hair?
Gena / Touch Matters
If her fixation on her purse causes her to become agitated or aggressive, you will need to let her doctor know. In this case, she may need medication to help her calm down.
If your mom loses her purse alot I’d make sure there’s no important things in it. Next time she loses it and you find it; Tell her you will put it in a safe place and you can give it to her anytime she wants it. This worked for my husband when he had same problem with his wallet. Now he never even asks for it. Sometimes you have to change their norm to help them adjust and not be so anxious. It’s difficult for the loved ones. I wish you the very best.