How will I get through this?

Where are you, NannaJ?

Are you a member of CarersUK or any online group like that? Are you in touch with your local authority's Adult Social Care team? If not, do those things - support is being set up, there will be lifelines available for people in your situation, so make your presence known!

You are far from alone - a client's wife said to me last week "we're all going to go mental!" Well, yes, the idea of being locked up alone with a demented loved one for two or three months is just not funny. We WILL find ways through, hold on.

@ NannaJ

I know what you mean, exactly. This is a huge challenge for many us.
But this will be temporary. It won't last forever. It is a limited period of time.
After this nightmare will finish you can change all the rules and reinvent your life again.
I offer what the emergency psychologist told me as a tool of survival for this:
divide work and rest. Have a place, a room, the garden, the attic, whatever you have at your disposal to claim as your own, private, place and follow a schedule. Fom x hour to y hour you will "work" caring for your mom, the rest of the time you will go "back home" in your safe place.
Set Skype for calls with your children and grandchildren and friends.
Call your friends everyday when you are in your safe place.

I will be thinking of you sending you thoughts of resistance.
Please keep in touch here, we will be in touch with you, every day.
This too shall pass.

I am so very sorry you are struggling with this. I think countrymouse has excellent ideas.

I agree with Arwen. This will pass. It’s very difficult at this time. I wish that we could help you more than just offering online support.

Please stay in touch and continue to reach out even if only to speak to others about your concerns.

Take care 💗.

I'm trying to get outside more and do things like gardening - which for someone in an apartment would not be an option of course. I go to bedroom to read and watch movies on the computer - but still get interrupted every half hour or so. You can still go to a park I would guess. Getting out in nature does help. Hospice counselor mentioned Skype also. At this point those virtual reality headsets wouldn't be a bad idea - if I had one!

If you are able to access any exercise program from a TV that could help. I had a bad migraine last night but a little exercise this morning helped.

If your mother suffers from allergies, and allergy season is starting, ask her doctor about giving her diphenhydramine. It makes most people sleepy. While she takes a nap, go outside and stand in some sunshine or take a walk around the block.

Please do not lose hope. Please let yourself take care of you. You matter.

Do you have a paid private caregiver for her? Does Mom walk or is immobile? You have to be able to get away from her even for a walk. My mother with dementia is 92 ...93 on Wednesday...also look into SNF & do research so that when this lockdown is lifted, you can physically tour them. I know how you feel..
hugs 🤗

How about joining in a rosary by phone? Many can be found on Catholic websites.

Nannaj -I find that I can get lost in a book, or audiobook, and get myself away from my current reality. Cleaning or organizing or crocheting also relaxes my mind.

What about you? What do you do to escape mentally? You mention your children and grandchildren. Can you keep in touch via skype or face time?

Yes I am registered with a Carers group. I know this is an unprecedented time for us all but the thought of being isolated with my mum is just awful. I have to have so much patience and sometimes I wish I could be cared for for a change. My escape is my family and without that escape I really feel that I might go completely mad!!!!!

NannaJ keep in touch with us regularly - having a safe place to scream your head off, even if it's only virtual, can help.

Can  you call your kids and friends?   My sister is a one person support group and grateful that mom is living with me.

Even with lock downs I believe you are permitted to go out for food and medicine. Those might be your breaks for a while.

NannaJ, what does your mother need in the way of actual hands-on care?

What does she do most of the time? Sleep in front of the tv, or is she more mobile?

Nannaj, many US states are on lockdown, but exceptions are made for medical treatment, obtaining food and/or medicine and medical supplies.   I would think that would be the situation in the UK as well.   People need access to medicines and supplies to maintain their own health while the CV spreads.  

Your walks to get these items, especially the medical products, would qualify as the exceptions.

Another thought is time out periods, when you both separate and either take naps, or read, or you can putter with your garden.    Are you starting seeds inside?   Do you have a small portable type greenhouse for your plants?

If you don't, there are always online seed catalogues to peruse, even if you don't buy anything.  

There's another way to view the situation:  you spend a lot of time together; use it to reminisce and segue back in time to your mother's childhood, when her children were born, activities she planned for you, and topics like that.   Make HER feel good about herself and raising you, and that can translate to you.

It may seem hard, and it probably will be, but turn the situation around so that you both can feel good about being together.   And that WILLtake a lot of work.

First step might be to think of childhood memories to reincarnate the bonding experience.

This isn't a criticism, but a suggestion, kind of a "been there, done that, and hopefully past it now" suggestion:  I think that right now your thoughts are stuck  on the need to get away, as expressed in your original and subsequent posts.    You need to find a way to change that thought pattern, to break through the conceptual dam and find a solution that helps you.

If you like music, play it periodically, for both of you, and DON'T do any work during that time.  Music can transport you out of your current situation and greatly improve a sad situation.

Dear NannaJ,

I too, lived with a mother in law who made it very stressful. I'm so sorry. I hear your pain.

This isn't easy. You will have to go to your own room and have time alone from her. I know it's not enough to say don't let it bother you. I understand. Exercise might be good. Prayer. And talking to friends and family. Maybe have your children call to her everyday.

These are difficult times. I hope you can find some separation. I pray you will grow in grace and peace, friend.

You might find an online counselor you could talk to once a week online. My family member just started using an online counselor from BetterHelp.com. Talking to a counselor really helped me when my mother in law moved in. I wish I had gone longer.

Online Counselling UK Success Stories | BetterHelp
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/counseling/online-counselling-uk-success-stories/

Take care and check in here. We care about you. Let us know how you are doing.

gratefultoday

Since you are not on 100% lockdown yet, is there any possible way to have your Mom moved to assisted living? My mother was just placed in Memory Care about 2 1/2 months ago, but I would have been in the same situation you are now in - I was going out to clear my head usually a few hours each day. Now I see her via facetime or through the window when I bring some things to drop off for her (I am doing her laundry, and a few other things that need to be taken over once or twice a week.) One thing that I had been doing before she moved to MC was reading to her in the afternoons and early evenings. It seemed to relax her - so now I am reading to her via facetime a few times a week.
Hang in there - you will get through this. We are all stronger than we realize. (take LONG baths!! Meditate, read, etc.)

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be cared for for a change, I feel the same way in my situation. I have to do everything in my family, I live with an elderly sister with medical problems, a bi-polar brother and a schizophrenic son.

I am the only one working, doing the shopping and the cooking and taking all three of my family members to their doctor appointments and picking up their prescriptions. Thank God my brother does the cleaning only because he is OCD! I have not been able to see a doctor myself and pray my health does not fail on me.

I am always saying, what happens if I get sick who will take care of everything? Who will take care of me?

So, I feel your pain and like everyone is saying, we will all get through this, hang in there!

Hi NanaJ, I'm in UK, what follows is absolutely not a criticism. I agree though that you're caught in a mind set of escape.
I truly understand, both my "parents"(?) made Hitler and The Spanish Inquisition look like a walk in the park and caring for them at end of live almost broke me again. Almost, because I hung on to the thought that they done it once they didn't get a second chance.
It is difficult being suddenly confined with people we should and do love but have long term irresolvable issues with. Also tough being with people we're fine with but not used to spending time with on such a basis or being completely isolated with only contact being via technology.
I am disabled and so it's difficult to get "out" in the garden or for the essentials. I do but it adds to the stress.
I have found it an enormous help to have "nature sounds" playing in the background. During parts of the day birdsong and such at night I have thunderstorms and rain. Sounds crazy but it puts me to sleep fast and if I'm woken in the night it helps me go back to sleep (I have a 10hr one I really like).
They are on youtube and free, try having it on low for your mother too it is incredibly relaxing you stop hearing it but the effect remains.
Good luck, thinking of you.

My mom is in lockdown in her AL facility. I call her almost every day and have brought her care packages of books, playing cards, ice cream and a jigsaw puzzle. My adult daughter with autism is however, another story. Everything in her life is closed down, day programs, library, weekly bowling with friends which she loves, YMCA. She was ok for the first week. As this goes on, we are having to be more creative as far as activities, one of which is simply getting into the car and taking long drives just to get drive through ice cream. She sits in the backseat, I turn up the music, and away we go! She can be very negative and cannot understand what is going on, (can any of us?!). Communication with her is very limited. Separation, “downtime apart” is a very good strategy. Taking my dog for long walks outdoors has been a godsend. I’m currently working on a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle while listening to music. Good luck to all as we manage this. Yes, it will pass. In the meantime, take it one day at a time, and be grateful for even small things and people in our lives.

You have weathered the last 3 years and bless your heart for trying. Maybe you could put her in a nice home and visit her. It sounds like you are drowning and you want your life back. Good luck

I have been on a lockdown of sorts first with my bedridden mom and now MIL for the past 6 years, There was a one year break after my dear mom passed where I barely got my footing back before MIL needed care. Now this virus lock down. I am trying the same tactics of compartmentalizing my days, sometimes mornings, afternoons if necessary. One day at a time, then one week at a time. Today is not a good day for me. I am using the computer to communicate and learn things, and I do many little chores with short rest in between. I have found many little activities can take the place of one big one. I am also keeping a journal to stay sane, and keeping a list of what I might like to do when this double whammy of confinement ends.

Since you already suffer from depression, you need to consider caring for yourself while caring for mum. Get into the sunshine. Open windows and let fresh air in. Set a time during the day to call friends and family. If you have a computer, consider downloading a video conference application like Skype or Zoom. They are not very difficult. You can then have video "visits" with your loved ones. Try to get some exercise and watch your diet.

My daughter suffers from SAD -seasonal affective disorder - which is a form of depression. During the dark months (fall - early spring), she takes Vitamin D and calcium supplements, tries to exercise outdoors, and schedule frequent visits with friends. She also has an Ott light that has the same spectrum of light as daylight. She sits under it for several hours while reading or doing computer work. She and her hubby are still on lockdown in South Korea, so I know it is possible.

All I can do is say I can relate. I on the other hand can still go to work due to being an "essential" business. And I'm beyond grateful. There is no way I could stay at home with her all day. I think she thinks I should quit my job and just take care of her - she's 93. She can still walk, bath, and cook. She has slowed down but is also still fairly cognitive. Just being home on the weekends - and I do all major shopping and errands - I still can get so burned out by her negativity! There is no gratitude for all that I'm doing. She recently gave me grief for buying some clothes on the clearance rack - well I've worked for 40 years, have taken care of myself, and still work 5 days a week. I told her it was none of her business. Then she tries to turn everything around that I'm being mean and talking rudely to her. I'm so tired of her - yes we are supposed to love our parents but when I look back on all her verbal abuse of me - the criticism and the slights - the manipulation - I really don't feel anything. I will provide her a clean, comfortable home and it's well stocked with food. She even complained about THAT!!!! I had the fridge so loaded up with groceries she couldn't even get in there...wow. I said there are so many elderly that are ALONE and probably wondering where they will get their next meal from. There is no pleasing this women and I just want to be DONE. We have lived together a total of 20 years - recently she's been back with me for 3. I've done my time and want my life back. All I can say is hugs to you - get online and try to play games and maybe meet some support groups. This group has been a life saver - sometimes I just need to vent and some of my friends are not very understanding as they see my mom as this sweet little old lady...nope - she is not always to me. God bless!

I agree with Isabelsdaughter. I was in the same place you are a couple years ago. My mom with dementia moved in with me when I retired. Things weren't great, but managable until I had back surgery and she had a stroke one month later. She was in the hospital, then rehab, then I brought her home. It wasn't long before I was overwhelmed, exhausted and yes, resentful. My entire life revolved around her needs.....24/7. No matter how good your intentions are or how much you love your mom, that is not a good situation. I did my research and was lucky enough to get mom into the long care facility in our area with the best rating. She's been there for 3 years now and I visit about 3 times a week under normal circumstances. She is safe, her medical needs are being met far better than I ever could have done on my own, she can be as socially active as she wants to be and I can have a life without constant worry about mom. The bonus is that our visits are pleasant and our relationship is not strained anymore.

NannaJ You will get through this time as it will pass. Remind Yourself that Your 93 year old Mum is completely dependent on You and this will motivate You to keep going. Escape to the garden, close Your eyes for ten minutes and listen to the beauty of birds singing, and the varied bird songs. Right now the weather is beautiful in the South of Ireland, hence it must glorious in the UK and this is a big plus for Us. Enjoy and treasure the time that You have with Your beautiful Mother because it will come to an end far too quickly and when You least expect.

I too have my mother living with me as of a month ago! A few moments of calmness but over all I’m losing my
mind!


Bitterness and anger being perpetual from the moment I get home from work till the moment I leave.. Thankfully my job is an essential service so I am able to leave for three days at a time.. My job is working with youth living on the streets and the foster system so by the time my run of hours is completed I’m already exhausted only to come home to get a borage of anger and discontent thrown at me..
I've tried setting boundaries but to no avail! I now stay in my bedroom with the door closed in the hopes of getting some peace.. So thankful I’ve a dog that requires walks as that has been my saving grace ..

Mum never ever stops talking and blaming everyone for her life.. She sleeps little and lives 80% of her time in the kitchen and screaming at her cat!
She has taken to smoking in the house despite me setting up a smoking spot out on deck!
Im at my wits end and find myself picking up extra work shifts just so I don’t need to be home!

Hi. What used to help me was humming or singing out loud to myself. Sometimes my mom would join in. Turns out music is good for the soul of the caregiver too. I’d sing ( in my tone deaf way) over and over to get my head into a different place and to remind me that she was a victim of the disease and not in control of her grating behaviors. Putting myself in her mind and constant state of confusion, I made up a little ditty( words below) to sing. If your mom starts singing along with you, chances are she won’t realize what she’s saying and it kinda allows a little reality check to click with you that she’s really unaware of her condition even if she is briefly able to acknowledge she is having trouble. Anyway, here are the words if you want to create your own little tune to remember the mantra of what it’s like to be suffering from dementia..... “ I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. All...I know....is I DON’T KNOW.....And I depend on you”.

My mom is pretty good at taking her meds. She was confused all day, mean & basically a Pain. She would wake & sleep at all times of the day & night. I started giving her Melatonin at night. It's not addicting and doesn't interact w her meds. Now that she's sleeping all night, she is much more pleasant and agreeable during the day. I am also sleeping better & more pleasant to be around. Good luck to you.

NannaJ, I hear you and I get it. And boy do I feel for you! My Grandma is 93 and at times very difficult person to contend with. Forgetful and defiant- a trying combination!

I'm from New York in the States, which is right now unfortunately the new epicenter of the pandemic. Trying to explain to her that we have to ration things like paper towels, why I'm working from home everyday, why everything is shut down, why the stores are all empty... it's wearing down my nerves! And like you, my options are all shut down because of this- no friends, nowhere to go, contact is all done through cellphones and computer. It's hard.

The one thing keeping me sane through all of the insanity is the fact that's it is all temporary. We shall get through this. And how do we get through this? By other means of escape:

- walking around the neighborhood when possible
- reading
- watching movies or TV shows
- coloring
- listening to music
- gardening
- meditation. there's some great free YouTube videos
- workout at home (again YouTube)
- Yoga (YouTube- "Yoga With Adrienne" has a great beginner's video- no equipment needed! It's easy, fun and helped me get in shape.)
- Journaling. I'm a big fan of this and do it every day. It's been a lifesaver!
- Virtual hangout with friends via Zoom or FaceTime.
- Make art. Pick up a pen or pencil and just start drawing anything.
- anything you have been wanting to do or learn, but never had time before.

The trick to it all is to redirect your focus to something positive and take your mind off all the bad stuff.

Hang in there. Sending you (and everyone out there) socially distanced hugs and prayers! It will all be okay, this too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. In the meantime, stay safe!