My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
I want to tell you that I think your Auntie is very blessed to have you to help her.
May The Lord bless you for all you do!
I had Mom get all her important paperwork together in one place. We agreed it would be kept in her hutch. I needed it one day and it wasn't under the hutch. When asked where it was, she said that at the front door for easier access.
Good Luck and pray everything goes as smooth as possible. Please come back and tell us how things are going.
I find it hard to believe that ALL her children could be so callous as to blame their mother for their father's death, and abandon her to be homebound in a town with little service for the elder.
Are they that heartless or do they have a long history with her that caused them to act that way towards her? I can't imagine that if they had a long loving relationship with her all their lives, then suddenly they turned on her on a dime over one event or one big mistake. My bet is that there is much more to their relationship that lead the children to hate their mother that much.
Who is going to help your aunt to deal with these “needs and appointments”, not to mention the etcetera? The “4 other siblings in town that may be able to help her a little bit” are the same elderly generation as your needy mother and your needy aunt. Which ‘little bit’ do you think they will be able to help with?
You may not approve of the stand that your cousins have taken, but for your own sake PLEASE talk to them about what this is going to mean for you if you go ahead. It’s a slippery slope going in, and a much harder crawl getting out of these ‘obligations’.
You're already caring for your mom.
Why can't she organize this move herself?
Beware of "mission creep"--oh, just this once. It will turn into another full-time caregiving gig.
Margaret McKen writes: "Helping her with dealing with her accommodation and moving her to your own town, is going to raise her expectations about future assistance from you."
Margaret is correct! Why are you moving her to your town. It looks like YOU are planning to become her caregiver!
Not all states allow these and you want to ensure you aren't moving her away from a state that allows them to a state that doesn't.
This is what will be needed to get her assistance and she will most likely need a facility before long, if there is any truth in what your cousins claim.
If you think that there is any truth in really unpleasant behavior from your aunt, please be careful about how close you get to her. Helping her with dealing with her accommodation and moving her to your own town, is going to raise her expectations about future assistance from you. And a relationship between her and your own mother, from your past statements, could go in unpredictable and unpleasant ways. Try not to let your good intentions backfire on your own household. This is still a very unusual and very distressing set of issues for all the members of the family to dealt with.
I've actually heard a few times of folks taking a new medication & experiencing dire side effects causing harmful thoughts. Or receiving a new (terrible) diagnosis & taking drastic action. Not always planned, indeed very tragically can be a moment's impulsive reaction. The reasons will not be known. Very very sad.
All I can say is some leave quickly & yet others seem to linger & suffer.
💙
You have said your farewell. Now rest.
Your Aunt will change where she lives when she is ready - from the options available & affordable to her. Let her settle. Don't step in unless asked to be her POA. (Then step in enough to think that over thoroughly before deciding).
Tell the cousins your mom can move in with their mom. Then let the sisters figure out if they can or can’t live together. Granted it means giving up control, but play the long game.
I hope that the whole family can now grieve, and the whole horrible thing can be left in the past. Your uncle had many years to leave your aunt if he couldn’t stand living with her, your cousins had many years to intervene if they hated what was going on. And even if aunt was difficult, Uncle could have stood up to her more effectively. Let’s hope that every one forgives themselves, and each other.
For you, the deal now is to make sure that mother, aunt and cousins all know and accept that aunt is NOT moving in with you. The chances are that aunt can safely live by herself for some time. She may find it difficult to live WITH herself, and she may be grieving. That’s completely appropriate. She doesn’t need saving, certainly not by you. The future is the time when aunt’s living arrangements need to be considered, not now. Best wishes, and try to let it all pass as smoothly as possible. Margaret
Funerals have a way of peeling your shell off & exposing your soft side to the world. Take shelter until you feel strength return & your shell regrown.
(When younger, my sweet child wanted to grow up to be a turtle 🐢).
I would be as general as possible as to what you said or heard other people say. I would just tell them when they ask that you were focused on paying your respects and you mind your own business.
Hopefully they will get the hint!
I wouldn't be able to turn my back on her either. May The Lord give you strength, guidance and wisdom to help her.
I was thinking that companies like Hello Fresh can deliver food, if she is able to cook, boxed or Sam's Club can deliver nonperishable items. Most counties have transportation services available for seniors and disabled, so she qualifies twice.
There are lots of options in today's world, I pray you find what works for your aunt without sucking you into a terrible situation.
Your cousins may calm down when the funeral is over. You can hope so, no matter how difficult everything it now. The best thing to say at the funeral is that their mother is too upset to attend.
You can go to the funeral if you wish. There is no need to make a big announcement that ‘I’m going to your husband’s funeral and you aren’t invited’. Just go out for business or shopping reasons.
If your own mother wants to go, it’s probably good if she mostly wants to meet out-of-town relations. That’s why a lot of people go to funerals. It would not be a good idea if she wants to spread a lot of damaging information about the suicide and the fact that her sister is being blamed by their children.
I hope that you can all get through this extremely difficult time. Best wishes, Margaret
My mom and aunt don't even know when the service is being held, that's how upset the kids are. Everything about this feels so wrong.
I was invited to my uncle's funeral service but I don't really want to go as I'll be staying my aunt's house. Can you imagine that conversation? 'I'm going to your husband's funeral but you can't come'. My sister originally wasn't going to go to the funeral, now I think she's looking at it as some sort of social event where she can hobnob with all the cousins. That irritates me, it's like another sign of how dysfunctional our family is. I'm not speaking to my other sister right now so I don't even know if she knows or is planning on coming.
Family dinners weekly should be her only check in.
This just seems to get worse and worse.
"they are just fundamentally very different people with different beliefs and my mom is unable to hold her tongue and will want to push her beliefs on my aunt, aunt is the same way."
Maybe if you laid it on the line to dear Aunt. "No talking politics or religion. Your old ladies now so neither of you is going to change the other." Tell Aunt she can come for no longer than a week or two. There will be no "extended visit" That you have Mom and a job so she is not to expect you to do for her. If she and Mom get started, the visit ends.
While Aunt is there, discuss with her about going to an AL. Selling her house to cover the cost. Maybe for now, research resources where she lives. Senior bussing to get her to appts and shopping. Make it plain to her you cannot be her "go to" person. With a job and Mom you just don't have time for her needs too. She has to take advantage of resources in her area. If she has any money maybe hire someone to help her a few hours a day.
I agree, with the new info you can't leave her high and dry but she needs to realize that you and Mom are not her solution.
My mantra: I am here to show people the way, not to be the way.
Stay clear...
Hugs 🤗
If money is not an option for either lady, you might suggest they both go to assisted living together. My guess, however, is that if your mom already settled in with you - she's not going to be interested in leaving you and her familiar surroundings.
EmtionallyNumb - I am afraid it's not so clean cut like that. Once you get yourself involved, you're in for the long haul. You're going to be called upon to be responsible, to help out, to answer questions, to take the blame, etc.
I recommend you NOT to even dip a toe in that murky waters.
Aren't you busy enough with your professional job and your mother's needs?
Questions for you.
Why do you have to "nicely explain"? Can you just explain factually and pleasantly? And leave YOUR emotions out of the conversation?
Why do you have to explain yourself to your aunt's children at all? Do you think you OWE them an explanation? Why?
Why is your aunt her children's responsibility? Why can't your aunt take responsible for herself? If her children, for whatever reasons, don't want to or can't help, then they can't be forced to help.
Are you concerned that your mother might be a weak point in the boundary, and if your aunt leans on her hard enough might let her in?