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My mother got suddenly ill last year about this time. She had been in jail for her drinking and bad behaviour during that time. Been dealing with her drinking since 2005. It became worse in 2012. She went to jail almost every year, except when she had a heart attack in 2014. They would eventually put her on non reporting probation. Then she would stay with us out of state. I always had to put my family on hold to take care of her. My mother is legally blind and has been since 2005. She has macular degeneration in both eyes.
My mother is doing very well in memory care, she went there about 1 year ago. She does not even remember being admitted. It took them about 7 months to bring her back to being more like she was before. Now she wants to go home. She has no memory of drinking and all the bad things she did during that time. My husband just turned 66 and is ready for retirement. We are selling are home out of State to go back where my mom is in the nursing home. We never sold our home because my husband's health doesn't allow him to go outside in the summer without being ill. We moved out of State for his job. I can admit mom is doing great. But now she wants to go home. She does have a home which she signed over to me after my dad passed away in 2002. But no one to take care of her. She doesn't understand I nearly had a nervous breakdown watching her go off and taking care of her all by myself. In other words I can't do it again. My momma begs the doctor's to go home. She says they say if I call them, we can take her home with us. I've tried to go around in circles to tell her no. But next time I call have you sold the house and when are you coming to get me?
So my question is how do I tell her no? I'm the baby and my siblings hate me and my mother. Sometimes I wonder if we should ever go home. My husband was sick last year with what the doctors thought was double pneumonia instead it was double blood clots. I had my gallbladder removed in December. So how do I tell momma no? When we move back I'm going to try and find a dementia support group. I feel like a terrible daughter and maybe I am. I've done things for my momma all my life. I've given until there is nothing left. Now I feel like a failure. My momma is memory care because that is where the doctors said she had to go. They diagnosed her with sudden on set of moderate to severe dementia. No one in the family has ever had this disease. Thanks!

Belle, just say no and change the subject. Tell her nothing more about moving closer to her, it gives false hope that you will take care of her. I don't like the idea of lying to anyone, but maybe you can tell her that things have changed and you will be staying where you are. It doesn't matter that she says she doesn't remember, it's about taking over your life and that is not something that any parent has the right to ask or expect. She is safe, cared for and that's the best you can do for her. Keep your same cell number and let her believe you are still in another state. You have already given her as much as you can, you did a good job for her when she was at her lowest, now the professionals get her.

How scary to be dx'd for PE in both lungs, that is a life changing experience. Can I recommend that you stop using anything with fragrance, like laundry soap, fabric softeners or drier sheets, body soap, shampoo and air fresheners. My husband was within 20 minutes of being beyond help, his left lung was 3/4 full of clots, right 1/2 full. We have found that those products give him difficulty breathing. The pulmonologist tells you everything looks good, they don't tell you that your lung capacity is changed. Take care of you and your husband.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I doubt the Drs. are telling her all you need to do is call them and if they are, tell them to stop. Your Mom is where she needs to be. She may be better but Dementia does not disappear. She's in MC because their evaluation says thats were she needs to be. Remember...you are a Senior too. I scrubbed my bathroom the other day and I was done for the rest of the day. Best you not tell them everything. For now, I would just tell her the house has not sold yet so no decisions can be made at this point. Take it day by day. Things can change. Her Dementia can worsen and she will forget she wants to go home. Worry about saying NO when you are moved and back in the house. Then you can say NO Mom, the doctors feel you need more care than I can give you.

You did your time. Its now time for you and DH to enjoy retirement. When I was caring for Mom, I always felt that something would happen to one of us and we wouldn't be able to enjoy your retirement years.

Your Moms Dementia was probably brought on by her alcohol problem. Alcohol kills brain cells.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It sounds like you have been a wonderfully caring daughter to someone not really capable of appreciating it. I agree with the above responses, do not move her in with you again!

I would assume in Memory Care she doesn't have access to alcohol, in addition to the 24-hour care and supervision she receives. I would imagine that alone could account for her being in some way "better".

I vote that you continue to do what you can for her from a distance and with healthy boundaries in place to protect you and your husband. It might be a relief to talk about this in depth with a counselor or therapist too.

Best wishes to you!
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Oh no I feel for you. However now is the time to look after yourselves. She is in care already and there she must say. People with dementia often ask again and again to go home. Just blame the doctors. They’re the ones saying she can’t go home, not you. Take care of yourselves now we don’t know how long we have either and you need to try to enjoy each day as much as you can. Try to let go of the guilt, maybe see somebody about it and a support group sounds like a great idea. Lots of cyber hugs.
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Reply to Keriana
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Hi Belle41,

You have to think about your and your husband's health first. Do not allow her to move in with you to your home. Your mom sounds like she is exactly where she needs to be, in a memory care facility. We moved my elderly MIL with dementia into our home almost 4 years ago and it has taken a huge toll on my health and relationship with my husband. Your mother's dementia will only get worse, and it sounds like you both already have your plates full with your own health issues. Take care of yourself and know that your mom sounds like she is being well taken care of.

Are there financial reasons why she can no longer stay in the facility where she is? Are you siblings resentful because she signed the house over to you? Why are they so angry? What do the docs say about your mom's dementia?

My MIL is also legally blind, and your mom's combined issues that you mention are way too big for you to step back into the role of caregiver.

Do everything in your power for both you and your husband to restore your health. Help where you can, but you cannot be her lifeline. Try to have an honest heart-to-heart with your mom, as best you can, and tell her that you cannot take her in because your own health is fragile. From my own experiences, I have become convinced that we owe our elderly parents some help but we do not owe them our lives or sanity or health.

In theory it may sound like the right thing to do to take elderly family in, but in practice (you just have to read the posts here) it often creates misery.

Sending warm thoughts and hugs.
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Reply to sorryselma
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