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I have 2 aides to care for my husband, who has dementia and physical weakness. They divide up the week. One of them, a man, does not seem skilled at dealing with my husband's increasing physical difficulties and advancing dementia. I need to replace this aide with someone more skilled, but I hate having to fire him. Do I tell him I'm letting him go because his skills are not what's needed, or should I make up a more easy-to-swallow story? (This may seem like a silly question, but I have put off firing him for 2 weeks because I can't face up to it.)

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Your services are no longer needed... Thank you. If you are going through a service, you tell them you need to try someone else.
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tell them you no longer want to employ them.
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Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. They have given me clarity and the assurance to let this private-hire go, telling him the truth - that my husband's dementia has increased and I need someone more experienced. (He told me he had only one year experience when I hired him 4 months ago, but our needs were much lighter at the time.)
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jacobsonbob Feb 2021
It looks as if your husband's needs are simply increasing faster than the caregiver can hone his skills. Unfortunately, you can't "slow down" your husband's needs to allow time for the caregiver to "catch up"!
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I would tell the aide this...
Due to the decline in my husband his care is getting a bit out of your realm of experience.
For his safety and yours I am going to have to hire someone with more experience with the decline we are experiencing now.
Give the aide a date, 2 weeks would be good. Also give him a letter of recommendation (if it is warranted)

If this aide is doing what he wants to do the information you are giving him about his lack of skills is important to him. Suggest that he take a CNA course (local, community collages are a perfect place to do this) He would be more employable and be able to get higher pay after completing a certificate course. You would actually be doing him a service having this conversation.
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JoyfulOne Feb 2021
EXCELLENT advice!
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Don't make up anything. The truth is the best way to go. Tell him he needs to improve in his abilities to take care of your husband, or you will have to replace him. Be very specific about the issues you have when speaking to him about how he's caring for your husband. Tell him that you don't want to fire him, but that he's going to be on a month long probation period. If the care doesn't improve then after the month you will have to replace him.
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IMO it is better to just say it isn't working out or that you don't feel it is a good fit, if you give a specific reason when you let someone go it leaves an opening for them to contest their dismissal - I'm not saying this man would fight for his job but it's been know to happen.
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AFormerGenius Feb 2021
Your suggestions is what HR departments do, because they don't want to deal with an argument. I was let go from a job with no idea of why, and so was left without the means to improve my skills. I would have rather been told that someone with more experience was needed, or whatever.
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If you worked in human resources you would be quickly informed that it is better to give NO REASON at all. Sorry, but the best thing is to tell the person you do not require their services any longer, to thank them. If you are able, supply some small recompense for them while they go forth for another job. When people call to check your recommendations keep it to "George worked for us for ______ months, and was not absent."
Any criticism you give can be used against you. Saying that the person has two weeks can rarely lead to them claiming injury on your premises and so on. I have a friend who runs a commercial cleaning business and I can't begin to tell you what he goes through in hiring and firing problems.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
No. That's not necessarily how this situation should be handled, to simply tell someone their services are no longer needed. Not to a caregiver. You trust this person to provide care for your "loved one" (God, I hate that term so much) usually very personal care. They become a support and a friend to not only the client but usually family also.
Then just kick them out without so much as the slightest explanation as to why?
Are you kidding me? I was so unceremoniously dismissed from a position myself by a client's child. I worked for them for years. I had to handle EVERYTHING for not only the elderly client herself who shortly after I started then became completely invalid from LBD, but also for her husband when he got sick with cancer and then passed away. Their adult children did absolutely nothing. I had one week off in four years and that only happened because I took care of all the arrangements for them to go for a short stay/respite care in a nursing home.
I was dismissed with a 'your services are no longer required' because the family found cheaper help. I didn't deserve that.
The caregiver working for AFormerGenius doesn't either.
There is no HR department in private homecare, so you can treat an employee like a human being and show them some basic decency and respect. That's the upside of private care.
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Yes, you say exactly what you said here, that you feel he doesn't seem to have the skills now needed to care for your husband.

I would wonder though if maybe its time to place your husband in LTC. You would become the Community Spouse and retain 50% of the assets with his portion being spent down and then applying for Medicaid. You would stay in the home and have a car. Your monthly income will be split so you can pay bills. There is more to this but a lawyer well versed in Medicaid can explain it better.
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AFormerGenius Feb 2021
JoAnn, thank you for your first paragraph. I choose not to put him in LTC because of the pandemic and also, based on prior stays in rehab, he would hate it.
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I'm guessing this aid is a private hire. Did this person misrepresent their experience/knowledge/skills to you? If so, then firing them shouldn't cause you any stress or guilt. Did you realize after hiring him that you really needed a different level of caregiving? This shouldn't create guilt either, but you can be very apologetic when you let them go, letting them know "it's not you, it's me" and offering an appropriate recommendation to use you as a referral for their next stint.

As an employer myself I can testify that letting someone go almost never feels good and we tend to "horribilize" it in our minds as we work ourselves up to do it, but firing someone for poor performance, attitude or motivation communicates a very important life lesson to them: consequences. You are doing them a favor. They will either make a better effort at their next job, get better training or realize they aren't suited for that type of job. You do not need to go into any great detail as you let them go. I recommend also a letter to legally protect yourself. You can wait until they have a break day and then call to tell them, if you find it easier. Send them an accurate final paycheck. Don't give them a prolonged "notice", like telling them they have 2 weeks before they have a final day. You can write out a script of what you'll say so that you won't over talk. Make it short and sweet. Make sure you collect anything back from them that you've given them necessary for their caregiving job. I wish you all the best.
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Is he private pay or through an agency?

If he is with an agency, they are told when training not to take any dismissal of a job personally.

Some people are not the right fit.

Let the agency deliver the news.

If it it private pay, I would simply say that you appreciate the effort that they have made but explain that your husband requires specific needs and they aren’t being met.
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