How to stop resenting do-nothing siblings?

So many of you share the frustration of wanting, needing, and asking for help, only to be ignored or worse. I understand & share your pain & commitment to care for those we love.

Some of you mentioned that no help is better than the kind of "help" you get, that some siblings, etc. make more work, etc. Many of us have our own health/financial challenges in addition to the challenges we try to handle for/with our parent(s) or other loved one(s). I understand & know these pains from experience myself.

In my situation, siblings additionally fail to make restitution for financial damages they or one of their minor children have caused, or they support the wrongdoer. Out of numerous siblings, only one is without responsibility but wants to maintain relationships with the others. I understand the need to do so, but it leaves me as the only voice to defend my remaining parent who has already banned two from the home and from contact. There will be "weeping & gnashing of teeth" when the estate needs to be settled & the results of their actions are known.

That being said, it IS exhausting & frustrating, but doing what is needed in the kindest way possible (for/with my parent) is the choice I've made. I do feel the drain on my spirit & energies, so I mix some outside activities in where possible. Having the internet and this community enriches my life in many ways.

Thank you all for being here and for sharing your stories and thoughts. I, for one, am richer for having you in my life when siblings fail.

assandache7
of course it hurts. My mom went into a SNF in November last year. My brother who recently retired, decided to spend the first five months of 2015 at his condo in Florida, leaving my two siblings and myself to take care of everything up here. I had to sort out my mothers business affairs, clean out and sell her condo, with very little help. At first I was very resentful and then decided "to heck with it" I did what I had to do, and got it taken care of . As some one said in other comments - you can't make someone care but I learned a lot about myself and saw a lot of behavior from my sibs that was quite eye opening. I guess these types of situations do not always bring out the best in everyone. I had to let it go and move on.

Bettyb It's been 14 yrs of this crap from siblings.. I don't depend on them for anything! But don't rub it in my face...

Ps... I was just told that my Sis had such a great time renting in FLA that this wnter she's going for 2 mths.. Ugh!

assandache7
unbelievable.

assandache7 wow another horrible story. So many of them here it makes me cringe. Sometimes its like living in a nightmare but you don't wake up. These siblings will NEVER know how there actions affected you ( probably don't care anyhow ). It changes us as people though. Hardens us. If your OWN family is so un caring how bad must the rest of the world be ??

1golflady, hardens us is soooo true..

I know right now the situation stinks, but if you think about it the carefree siblings aren't so lucky. You may think I'm crazy but you are the lucky one. See while they are living their own life and not pitching in to help out you are making lasting memories and taking care of a woman who took care of you. See I lived away from my dad and was only able to be there not because I didn't want to be but because unfortunately my job wasn't very understanding. My brother also lived out of state so that left the biggest part on my baby sister. Even though I wasn't being selfish and refusing to help I still feel like I let him down , But I thank my sister everyday because she was there holding his hand when he passed. So enjoy her love her and you will be able to go to sleep peacefully when she passes away, but most of all she will know you love her.

I will play devils advocate for a very brief comment. I too, have been stuck with a brick around my neck for a very long time. But after some harsh reflection....I can see why my other siblings FLED far away and seldom came back. Like playing a game of playground tag, a lot of us are ""IT"".......and here we are! Still, it is nice when everyone can pitch in together in some way or another.

Mincemeat - I understand and agree completely. I understood from the beginning why my siblings were not going to want to help my mother. None of them got what they needed growing up (or later), all of them felt trounced on in some way by my mother's selfish and narcissistic traits. I didn't expect my siblings to do too much to help my mother. One has surprised me and done a lot more than I expected; the rest have done little or nothing.

What I hoped for was that my siblings, at least the ones I was previously close with, would provide moral support, opportunities to vent, and a place in their lives so that my life didn't become a total wasteland while I put my plans and goals on hold taking care of Mom. This has been the crushing disappointment. Even the sisters I was previously very close with have fled FROM ME. I can barely get anyone to give me the time of day. It's like they're afraid "Mom-duty" will rub off on them. Pun intended. I can joke about it, but it totally bites!

It's people like Cscribe2180 who are "magazine mechanics" telling everyone how simple a job it is to rebuild a motor etc
when they have no idea what they are talking about in reality, theory is nice as long as you are not the moron who has to really shove those poles in their holes, it sounds so easy, simple, try it! you would run away in a week! Having a loving family caregiver is worth millions, if you are the one siting in a bed in a horseshoe shaped building with low paid workers scurrying about, doing their job at their speed, not coming to kill the fly in your room within 30 seconds of you seeing it and screaming EEEK, Just ignore the old smelly guy who wanders past your doorway every day and peeks in at you and your farting/snoring room mate. Just turn up the ear phones to drown out the guy yelling HELP ME every day, all day , consider the row of wheelchair bound drugged out zombies in the hallways artwork. I guess the elementary school cafeteria industrial food is not so bad, or having your menu made out for you regardless of what you want. My Grandmother liked her toast buttered methodically so as to not miss one bit and she had no problems telling you so in a not so nice way, The few times she was in a care home due to ICU stays she went through 3 in 4 months and I know they stuck her with the loudest stinkyest person the had to get even with her rude behaviours like freaking out when a large black man entered her room! My Grandmother had $2.3 million and ripped me off and kept using me! gave it to equally evil female family members who are fighting me for a penny when they never even saw her in 20 yrs!

My brother hates our mother and will not help take care of her. I have been doing it for almost 9 years. But, he is willing to take his mother in law into his home. How am I supposed to deal with yet more resentment? First towards my mother who does not care if my husband and I have a life or not and my brother. We need a vacation!

Susan54, Maybe the time to check out a nursing home that Medicaid will pay for.

Some of the private home assisted living homes (4-5 people) provide respite care for caregivers who need a break.

My dad-with-dementia actually told me, "you think (my sister with POA) is my favorite, but it's you "---which I already,really knew,but reminded me why I was doing all the heavy lifting of caregiving---he was my favorite,too and I wanted to make his last year as happy as it could possibly be and helps me grieve him with a clear heart.My sister is having a much more twisted time of it.

Dadskeeper, what a wonderful picture of what you are doing. Thank you for writing that. I know that you have sacrificed a lot, but you see the reward in what you are doing. I have a feeling that your parents are very special people.

After 17 years between BOTH my in laws & my sister in laws and brother in law "enjoying their charmed lives".

Sorry, I can't let it go .

I wish

My sister & brother in laws do or have done for their parents is nothing .

They call to score brownie points, never have offered one dime to help their parents. They should be ashamed of their self centered ways , but nope .

When their mom passed in 05, no help there what so ever. And now we have had my
Father in law for almost
12 years & AGAIN, no help from them .

The day he leaves this world.....They are completely cut from our lives .

Yes I as well have full resentment & honestly .

Since I am the main POA, have to handle ALL his affairs, medical areas/doctors, cooing , cleaning ALL under MY roof...."I even thought the day he passes, I'll not even have a service . Just bury him & send them a note afterwards"!

Have been through that much h*** with my sister & brother in laws !

I am one of five children. I live in the same town as my parents. I am 65 and work fulltime. My father was I'll for the past few years and passed away in July. I am watching out for my mother who is 94. She lives alone and I medically fragile but not ill. I have asked the others to help so many times that I lost count. Now I am insisting that she hire help at least 2 times a week... Preferably more, unless she is willing to move to assisted living. ..which she is not. I know she is angry about this but I only have so much emotional energy and I worry and cry a great deal. Suggestions are welcome.

Keyle, sounds like you are at a crossroads. If you give in to your mother's refusal to hire help, it will be difficult to turn away from that path in the future. Where are your four siblings?

I will be coming to a crossroads soon, I think. I am the local child (and only daughter). My 3 brothers live states away. My mother and I had a verbal altercation a few weeks ago, when she said she wasn't going to ask me for anything anymore. Four days later I had to take her to the ER. BUT the calls have been less frequent. (She is almost 90, lives alone in a one-story condo, has no sight in one eye, horrible depth perception and balance, still drives.) One of my brothers visited recently, and I told him that if my mother's demands kept increasing on me and I didn't get compensation, that I would walk away. That scared him! So now he says he's coming back down in a few weeks and wants to take my mother to look at assisted living places. She doesn't qualify so that her excellent LTC insurance will pay, but I'd be happy to just have her at least see what is out there.
I know we are supposed to "put up, shut up" and "offer it up" and "let it go." I can't do that. I lost my young adult son 5 years ago, and I don't have the patience or emotional reserves to put up with my mother's increasing neediness and OCD demands. We were never close (she was very controlling).

Once I truly and totally could understand that I made this choice freely, it set me free from my siblings too. Now I communicate with them if I feel like it, and since I am lucky enough to at least like them even while not liking that they are not at all interested in sharing care, I sort of can pretend that they are strangers in a way, expect nothing and move on and take care of myself and my parents.

Sister in law just posted a photo album of her and brother in law's latest exotic vacation. They take 5 or 6 vacations a year (not counting long weekends) and post selfies and pictures complete with captions only someone whose read the entire travel guide would know. [She's an overachiever]

I'm not jealous of their vacations. I'm simply stunned by the amount time they allocate to themselves and that everything seems to be at their convenience. Once they scheduled a layover long enough to have afternoon tea with my inlaws and promptly ask for a ride to the airport.

This BIL has no qualms about talking about how a marriage is all about compromise. Say what? Is he saying he takes all those vacations as a compromise to his wife? Was the layover a compromise? Seems to me that when you're wealthy enough to vacation as much as these two do, compromise is easy.

I do love what someone wrote earlier: expect nothing and be grateful for everything. I must remember that.

That's why I unfriended all siblings on fb...

Assandache, That is an excellent tactic. I learned that one can unfollow and the 'friend' is unaware, same with 'blocking', I think.
With unfriending, they know.
If friends of friends are not also blocked, your sibs can still see your post.
Something to look into.
Maybe your way is best: Short, sweet, and final ,with no guessing around.

am just re-reading some of these comments. We do what we can do and as one writer said, in the end you know you did what you could to make their last days comfortable. if the other sibs don't want to participate, I guess you just have to let it go at that. But it sure does stir up a lot of feelings - my concern is that once our mom is gone, nothing will be the same among us. And that is a shame.

Wow, this is like reading my life in print. I have been told to stop being a martyr, no she (my sister is not going to help, and no my brother isn't either. I have argued until I am blue in the face about fact that we were not brought up this way, we should all be helping and God forbid, at least visit or call our aging parents. After the last conversation (argument) I made the decision to handle this on my own. I sold my home of 38 years, 3 years ago to move in with my aging parents. Kind of laugh now because when I first thought about doing this my biggest fear was they would pass 6mos.after I moved in and then where would I be? Well 3 and a half years later here we are. Mom's dementia is getting worse. Dad's overall health isn't bad, but strength diminishing. Both use walkers. If I want time off, I take it in the afternoon, leaving mom with dad and a prayer. My brother has agreed to bring in supper once in awhile if I want to extend my afternoon or go out to dinner. I don't abuse it just knowing that it's available helps me alot. My attitude and burnout seems to be so much better now that I have resigned myself to the fact that I took this on and I will do it. I have been known to be stubborn, also to cut off my nose in spite of my face, my grandmother's saying. So if this makes me a martyr , fine. At least I am a happy one and am doing what I intended when I moved in. I am keeping my parents in their own home, no nursing home, they are being fed healthy food and getting their meds regularly. I am blessed they are for the most part easy going. I feel for those caregivers with hateful parents and no respite. I am fortunate enough that dad is at least well enough to leave him with mom. I'm never very far away when I take my time off, so he can call if there is a problem. Oh, and I do take them to visit my out of town sister sometimes if she's not working and she will watch them so I can do what I want while I'm there. Just because she can't come up here doesn't mean she can't watch them down there😉.

I am surrounded by selfish squabblers and I admit I get some pleasure knowing my life insurance pays out $750,000 depending on how I die and I have no heirs.

Currently I have a friend as sole beneficiary.

Stop thinking about them and like o0MichaeL0o start thinking about your own self and your future.

Ok I am taking a break of packing up my parents house. My mother passed away 10 yrs ago after 7 + yrs of dementia. 6 mo after my mother died Dad (81) old massive stroke. This was over 9 yrs sgo now. Dad has Aphasia, wrong words come out.
I have Two sisters, one lives 4 hrs away from dads house. I live alittle over an hour away, youngest lives (drum roll please) 8 tenths of a mile, down the road from Dad.
My dad came to live with me(we still owned his house) After 2 yrs with no help I wrote them both a letter at 2 AM. I wanted the summer off! My daughter would be off to college and i wanted to spend time with her before she left home.
Fast forward. He has been going between us three daughters. Mostly lives with me but I did get to have some breaks. But after 9 yrs taking care of his house and yard, my house and yard, I am DONE. While I stressed working to get it ready for sale it sold first day!! I got 15 days to clear it out!
So..... here I sit working on it day after day after day. Luckily the one sister 5hrs away is caring for Dad.
Reading on here is VERY helpful. Somehow my head and heart still dont understand the one sister down the road who has to pass dads house two times a day, never stops to offer ANYTHING. I guess she said it best when i called to say Dad was selling his house. I thoughts she might be alittle sad, NOPE, " Thank god, that place is nothing but an Albatross around my neck"!

Thanks for letting me vent if you read this far!
Susan

Chole5 I comment your goodness and perserverance, regardless of your siblings. The venting is what helps then you get a response or a word that uplifts and give you that little push you didnt know you needed. The situation you vented could be mine's in one way or another down the line and somehow I saw calm even with the work ahead and the reality check with your sister.

There's a saying "What goes round comes round." Just saying that maybe siblings will get caught up by Fate later on. I was a do-nothing sibling regarding caring for my mother (who resisted being cared for as she didn't have dementia, just brittle bones) because I was domiciled abroad. So one of my younger sisters, living closest, did all the visiting and checking up. But in the year that my mother died I became full legal proxy for an old friend with Alzheimer's, so my family forgave me the omission, realising that what I had taken on would certainly "pay me back"..