How to stop resenting do-nothing siblings?

Remember people, sometimes the money isn't there. My Moms SS is tied up in paying bills on a house she isn't living in. Its up for sale but its 125 years old and needs a lot of work. I live in a depressed area. Until its sold I have a pension thats $194 a month that pays for prescriptions, depends, toiletries etc. Leaves no money for respite or daycare that cost $100 a day here.

A friend told me the other day that some assisted living/care facilities allow non-residents to participate in activities for a small fee.

Check with your church or her church for help. A lot of churches have "help" ministries filled with church members waiting to be asked for help. Your local senior may have classes and activities that you can take her to that will either give you a break or you might find an interesting class for yourself!
As far as resentment you feel towards your family for not helping out you can't be concerned about them. They will have to live with regrets once your mom passes away. You can not change them, only change yourself and how you react to them.
God bless you for bring there for your mom.

Expect nothing. Appreciate everthing. It is key to contentment.

why do our parents expect such care from their children and don't make provisions? I for one will never ever burden my children with this kind of expectation nor care! I will go into one of those assisted care places until the near end and then maybe jump off the roof lol but its not fair, its not loving and most of all its selfish for our elders to expect this. Times are not like generations ago when families all lived under the same roof and women did not work. My great grandparents both were cared for by their children because they all lived in a multiplex together. It worked. That is not the case today with adult children scattered all over the country or globe. Lesson learned: do not do to our children what our parents have done to us! I don't want my children to remember me with bitterness but from love.

I have 4 older brothers, so I am obviously the only female, I live nearby the parents AND I'm single, so by default I should do EVERYTHING, right? No! Granted, there are those few things that only I can do for my mom (bathing, cleaning her up after BMs,) but I always tell my bros you can help with the 101 other things there are to do. One brother recently said to me, well I have other responsibilities, I have a family. I lost it. So my life has no value because I'm single? I don't deserve a free weekend, time to myself or to enjoy being with friends? I told him, your 'responsibilities' are having summer fun and BBQs with your family? They are not kids in diapers, your children are married adults! Caregiving for OUR parents is for a period in time (granted, no one knows for how long) that I am willingly sacrificing and I will be able to live with myself 'after' knowing I'm doing everything I can - will you?? Your kids will be there after, but our parents won't! It seemed to wake him up a bit and he promised to step it up. So far it's only been a couple of weeks, and while he does help, human nature prevails and I already expect him to fall into old habits. But in the interim, I will take what I can get. Yes, I learned we can't expect others to approach things as we do and to be willing to make the sacrifice.
Regarding being the martyr - I totally agree with the other posts. I do what I do because I have to and I can't just leave and go out like my brothers do. It gets my blood boiling that that is their suggestion to help me. NO - unless you all fill in, I have no choice. The option is not there for me like It is for them just to not do anything because they know their sister is taking care of the parents. I don't have that fall back!
Mad respect out there for all the caregivers. Not for the faint of heart....or the lack of one either

I have found that if I tell/ask my brothers to do things they will. They don't always think of it themselves but are willing to help out. My sister is another story-she works two jobs and complains that we don't do enough. She is constantly the first one to run and do things for mom even if someone else is taking care of it which happens frequently. She feels that if she does everything, mom will be alright. No one else can do her laundry prepare meals buy clothes for mom because it is never right with my sister. She will re do it. I am at my wits end and have decided that I can't obsess over it anymore. This is the way she is--so I do what I can and communicate with her about what I am going to do or have done. If she is unhappy with it and wants to do it her way, I back off.

It's not easy to be the sole caregiver because others are too busy or too self-important.

Do-nothings are better than corrupt, abusive ones who cause untold damage & make a parent's life h*ll. I have only-children friends who no longer feel as bad they don't have siblings.

May all be blessed for giving what you are able to make a parent's life easier.

I have one brother 7hrs away. He and his wife work. My other brother is not really family oriented. If it wasn't for his wife, Mom would never had seen him or his girls. Now they are devorced we've seen him three Xs since November. My other brother says "thats H". I love both my brothers. At 65 I can't see putting a wedge between us. Because of this, I will have no guilt putting my Mom in AL if the money is there. She will beon one floor and safer than she is here. As her Dementia progresses, she will get care I won't physically be able to do. I will be able to visit regularly to make sure she is getting the care she deserves.

So thankful for this website for its support, commiseration, encouragement, and information. Each and every situation is different yet there are these commonalities and it helps to hear other peoples' stories. Yes, we do choose what we do, but when we are forced to take the reins alone (and yet my husband is one of six, with two others local) it is out of concern for the things we see and the needs that are there, not seeing in the beginning this quicksand that now sucks us in further every day. I have observed in my husband's family that when these reins were taken then the sibs backed away in contentment that everything is being handled and so nothing is required of them on a day-to-day basis, getting on with their careers, family, vacations, etc, neglecting even the most basic contact. MIL's deaf son lives with her as a squatter and sponge (which hinders invites from sibs as they're a package deal), not as a caregiver, so my husband and I do EVERYTHING but live there (POA, doctor visits, finances, groceries, and cooked suppers for both - always a package deal - and home maintenance), but have come to a place of thankfulness that at least she has one that cares and makes sure she is safe and has what she needs. Without my husband she would have no one. The sponge is more of a hinderance than a help except for a warm body and being her favorite, but we've come to find thankfulness in even that. Another forum talked of "hating" do-nothing siblings, with over 6,000 replies at the time. Although thankful we were not in many of those situations, there was enough venom in that forum to quiet my own spirit, knowing that it was not what God wants for us, to harbor such hate. In my own heart, I found a lot of my resentment to actually be envy, that the sibs were enjoying the freedom and independence of not having to do anything. Not thrilled with their lack of concern and participation, but we're trying to find contentment in where God has us right now, today, and to find joy in caring for MIL and the difference we've made in her life.

i've found a window to seeing acceptance. Yes, it involves 'letting go' -as others suggested- forgive. Siblings will be filled with negativity and even blame you for the parent needing care. [Sheesh - why can't they even pick up a vacuum if / when they visit? Even the nice niece and sister leave me more of a mess to clean up, and i am admittedly exhausted.] They don't think of it. Others, do think of it, but search for _anything_ to justify their selfish response [neglect]. One is so vindictive i have kept a journal in one continuous book [no page gets ripped out and if edited, i just cross out paragraphs] because she's the kind that would record a phone call, take a video without you even knowing it. The journal helps me "take things out of my head and take a good look at them." Words became my sounding board, upon which i can build my priorities for the next day.

Siblings are truly choosing to miss out on things: even when dem/alz are invading like paranormal intrusions, there are other times when Mom reminisces about her love of flowers, her love of my Dad when they were post WWII newlyweds. i love hearing her stories, as disjointed [or even as painful] as they may be - she's sharing the fabric of her life. And that fabric is wrapping me up with more wonderful memories than the pain of her cognitive changes can ever take away.

Can you get a small area rug to put under her rocking chair, or ask at HD/Lowes et al about getting rid of the squeak? It might need a good wood restorer - depending on the type of rocker it is [wood v fabric?] - the joints/rocking mechanisms may be either wood or metal or a combo. Sometimes the squeak comes from the floorboard. But taking that chair away may take away her "go to" comfort spot. Lots of people have a fondness for that ugly sweater, or odd bit of furniture. Have you tried books on tape/CD? Mom and i love them, and it helps her with her memory -- even if i have to replay the same CD a few times to refresh the plot or characters for her. i love the summer - always picking her fave flowers from the garden for her. She can't read a book, and she can't go out to the garden anymore. So it's time to find new adventures, even [and perhaps gratefully] that there's no intrusion/combative disagreements on what Mom might like. i live with Mom, and she doesn't need their negative influences. They didn't even visit her in the hospital after her surgery [4 days' stay]. Embrace your blessings, and please, safeguard time for yourself. YOU need to let yourself have fun and enjoy TIME as well. Special blessings to all of you ~ you're the ones who love unconditionally - even if it hurts emotionally, spiritually, physically, or effects your other relationships. i pray you have strong compassionate friends who will always be there for you, too.

First, get some WD-40 and lubricate the rocking chair. Then busy yourself so you not just sitting there having more resentment. YOU are in control of what and how you think. Anger will eat you alive, so you had better get some more positive thoughts. The good Lord will have vengeance on those who do nothing.

I have written my sister off not in my life anymore - will never forgive her for being useless and will not contact her for anything if she wants to know she can learn for herself cause I have always gone to her to help and her answer was always "I have my own problems" LOL what? manicure has to be redone??? so her own problems will be finding out for herself about my parents cause I will not tell her since she is soo busy with own problems.......

There are 6 of us kids - all live in town - but I am the one who is most involved. One sib said "you shouldn't have to do all the work". I replied "I don't do it because I have to, I mean I do have to because no one else will do it, but I do it because I want to. Mom is 91 years old and is not going to be around forever. I find it comforting to know that when she passes, I'll be sad, but I won't have to deal with the regret that I didn't do everything in my power to make mom's last years the best they could possibly be". Whenever I start to feel resentment, I remind myself of this and feel grateful I will be free of guilt when the time comes. I also thank God for this special time with our mom as our dad passed at age 55 over 40 years ago.

From some of the stories we get, there are cases to be glad that some of the siblings don't "help"--some people's help is worse than no help.

I was in the same position, and got past it. I spent about 3 or 4 years being angry. Didn't help and drained more energy than I had. If this helps at all, I'm way past the anger, I don't even hardly think about them anymore. It's almost as if they don't live here, in a way, it's almost as if I don't have a brother or sister anymore, I haven't seen or heard from my sister in about 6 yrs and it's been 2 yrs for my brother. Even if they did show up, they would not be helpful, and would add to my burdens in multiple ways. I really think I'm better off without them. Church, Bible Study, Christian radio, have all helped me to get past my anger.

I do not try to get over it. When my parents passed, I let go of the relationship with my siblings. Yes, I miss them, but they showed me who they were and how they did not mind using me to give more than my share in caring for my dad. Good riddance.

I feel your pain!

Cscribe2180, why does your sibling have to ask you for help? Will you wait and let her offer your inheritance too? No, you will be all over her to get what you feel is due you. Save your song for someone who believes your saga.

Understand what you are all saying about 'do nothing siblings'. How about this approach:-
1. The sibling who has decided to take on the caregiver role for many, many years and now may see that they do not wish to take on this role any further should sit and discuss this with the other siblings to work out a current and future plan for the elder person. This will provide an opportunity to discuss the Professional diagnosis of Alzheimer's/Dementia with all the siblings so there is understanding and progression of this disease. This may be enlightening to all the siblings so all may have the opportunity to air their feelings.
2. The sibling who has been her 'carer' may need to give this role to another sibling who is prepared to take on this role. If no one is interested that is another matter. Maybe nursing home or other facility.
3. If the 'carer' does not wish to relinquish their role, then they have the responsibility to ensure the appropriate care and support is made available. Let us not forget that the elder person's wishes for their own life should also be taken into consideration.

If the above points are not possible due to the 'carer's' unwillingness or dare I say that they do not wish to give up their control of the situation to other siblings then what? Solicitors, Lawyers etc. Really?
It seems to me that Animals have more rights that the persons suffering with this terrible disease.
Are we not all adults here? Grow up. The priority should be the wishes and needs of that elder person especially now when the quality years of the person with this disease is in decline.
There is so much support and services available for all the family.

Discovery is not only by means of travel but also by looking at all life events and challenges through new eyes.

Be good to each other. :)

PeaceCorps1, I don't know anything about your situation, but based on your answers it sounds like you're coming at me that way based on your experience with your own siblings. I'm sorry for the way things turned out for you. But for the record, I have asked how I can help, I have offered help, I have stepped in without asking first, I have done without being asked first. I can do a lot of things, but one thing I can't do is read minds, and neither can other siblings who aren't there day to day. Communication is so important, and the primary caregiver should absolutely take some responsibility for participating in that communication. That's why primary caregivers should make it a habit to ask, or tell, when there's something they need, if for no other reason than to document the times they were refused or ignored. That would certainly help make the case for why they deserve more of the inheritance, if the compensation doesn't fit the work. Sadly, some caregivers intentionally dont communicate because they want to systematically isolate and preserve the manipulative hold they have on the person needing care, or because they want the money that would be spent on outside care to only go to them, hence why they wouldn't want you to see or know how bad things are because it means their income would go away. It sucks, but not every caregiver is a saint. And while I guess you won't believe me when I say it, I don't cover an inheritance from my mother. I would much rather see her spend the money she wishes to leave to her kids on the care she needs. I could care less if I never see a dime. I don't want praise, I don't want sympathy, I'm not a perfect person by any means. Sadly what's going on both frustrates and devastates me, hence why I'm here, getting perspectives from others, getting as much information as I can, so I can do my best for my mom as well as all the others in my life who depend on me. The insights I've gotten here have really helped, even yours.

I don't believe it, it's been two years and I just received an email from my brother, who is wishing me a Happy Birthday...

We can only answer from our experiences. I hear what all are saying. I live in hope that the money side if things is put to one side so the focus is on the person needing care.
The anger that is felt by you, I feel, is normal. Everyone deals with this differently. Maybe take a step back, focus on yourself for a short time, exercise is good. Analyse the situation as it stands and decide what you can and cannot change.

I am very sorry but it is my opinion based on my experience that anyone who can call a caregiver a martyr is clueless to what a caregiver goes through. It is mean and ignorant name calling.

Why should any caregiver have to ASK for help from his or her siblings? It's the siblings' parent(s) too. We never asked to be put in the role of taking care of MIL, we took it upon ourselves because it was obvious the other nitwits (aka BIL's) were going to cover their eyes and stick their fingers in their ears. La la la la la! I don't notice it, so mom doesn't need any help. My husband has asked his brother to just call mom. For crying out loud, who needs to be told to call their elderly parent? They must think there's a caregiver fairy that waves her wand and everything is, POOF! magically arranged. Closing house. Clearing out house.Selling house. Moving mom to IL, moving mom to AL, paying her bills, talking to her physician, talking to her financial advisor, calling the nurse when she's freaking out. So, yeah, when my BIL talks about his latest vacation I want to put my foot so far up his butt it comes out of his nose. Whew! That felt great! Thanks for letting me rant!

When I was recruiting granny-sitters for my MIL, I would remind my sisters-in-law that our kids were seeing how we take care of granny--and some day, we will be the granny! (And wailing about how terrible it is to see mom looking old and sick isn't helping.)

I love your rant EarniesMum.. cause I feel the exact same way!. I hate when others say the caregiver has to do this or that to get any help.. even the most basic types of help. You should not have to tell your siblings to call... but I find myself doing just that.

Today is their anniversary and tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. I dread holidays because I am scared they won't even call and my Mom will be hurt and sad all day.

My brother actually wants me to get the roof fixed on my parents house.. drop everything drive 100 miles up there.. take a few days of work.. and get the roof fixed.. post haste! Never mind the fact I am and sole caregiver for my parents and have a full time job... he is too busy with work at the moment.

Ok.. now I am starting a rant myself.

partsmom: Funny you should mention how our kids see (and hopefully model) our behavior. I've been thinking about the Harry Chapin song "The Cat's in the Cradle" a lot lately because I truly believe when In-Law's are older they will expect their children to be at their beck and call. Personally this whole experience (and we're dealing with it with both of our living parents) has taught me to plan and communicate. The last thing in the world I want is for my children to be burdened with our care.

Just wanted to post a message in this particular forum that I've been following -

GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!

As I've said before, my husband, one of six siblings, is the only one that truly cares for his mom and seeks to "honor your father and mother" with his care, love, and patience, while other sibs just get on with their lives. That aside, I sat in with a small group of women last night while listening to a lady that is an only child complaining about caring for her 87-year old mother. There was no compassion for this mother's fears, discomfort with having to sell her house and a large portion of her possessions to go into an apartment, or for her loss of the independence she's enjoyed for most of her life. This daughter was frustrated because she doesn't like her mother, felt obviously very inconvenienced at having no choice but to be involved, and there was not a bit of compassion for her mother that I could see. There are not multiple siblings who don't care while one has all the responsibility - THIS MOTHER IS STUCK WITH THIS ONE CHILD WHO DOESN'T CARE. So for all the parents out there who have you, who may be the only sibling of several who cares, I say thank goodness SOMEONE steps up to the plate for whatever reason: love, honor, simple concern for a fellow human being, etc.

Even with all the frustration, anger, loneliness, amazement (that these sibs are even related to you), fatigue, etc., remember what all your labors mean to these parents who would otherwise have absolutely no one to at least see to their needs and situation. Give them hug them today to remind yourself why you're putting yourself through this.

After reading this post again I thought about my selfish siblings..

Here's a story for you:

I am last of 7 kids, 4 are retired.. My oldest retired sister rented a house for a month this past winter in FLA gulf side. We live in MA and this past winter was snow, snow, snow. Well she invited all sibs to come for a visit.. One sib lives down there.. 2 sisters went down to visit other 2 brothers didn't go because they had already planned their own vacations, one went to Aruba the other went to Mexico...

I didn't get invited... I assume it's because "who would watch Mom"... But not one of them offered to stay with Mom so I could get a break...

I wouldn't want to spend my free time with any of them anyway but it still hurts...