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She's 85, sane and lives in her home for now. She is exceptionally strong. I'm the eldest daughter and have been staying with her as I've no husband at the moment. She is becoming increasingly more Narc than usual, and has started with the hitting at me. I have the bruises but she is stronger than me. She has a glass of wine on occassion but still uses the same asshole behavior my father did to me growing up. What do I do. Everyone thinks its me. Its not. I am worried for her and myself mainly.

The last time she did this, you should have called 911. The next time she does it, you definitely should.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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No one deserves abuse. I’m sorry that it was normalized during your childhood.

Can you move out? If finances are an issue could you look into low-income senior housing (if you qualify) in your area?

I agree with Peggy Sue, call the cops if she gets physical with you again. It is not OK for her to get drunk and hit you.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Yes, please call 911. And move out. Are you saying that you are staying there because you have no husband, you're available? Or are you saying that because you have no husband, you can't afford to live on your own? Either way, you deserve to live in peace on your own, not with an abusive parent. If the issue is finances, go to your local women's shelter and ask the social worker for assistance in getting benefits. If the issue is not finances, then just go.
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Reply to MG8522
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If you 'call the cops on her', the chances are that she will throw you out of her house. Perhaps physically, if she is stronger than you. Plan for what happens after the cops get involved.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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The behavior you described isn't "sane".

"She is becoming increasingly more Narc..." Learning what dementia looks like takes time because it is gradual, but progressive. Dementia behaviors often look like narcissism. One feature is they lose their ability to have empathy for others and this is why it gets mistaken for a personality disorder.

Maybe she's not exceptionally strong, but that you've been exceptionally conditioned? You have no boundaries? Once you find and defend boundaries you will be the strong one.

It won't be worth living there for free as being around her will come at a steep price. If you move out then "everyone" will see that it's her and not you.

Why exactly are you worried for her if she's "sane" and "exceptionally strong"? She hits you because she is physically stronger than you? Are you hearing yourself?

The very next time she attempts to hit you, walk out of the house and call 911. Don't back down. Until you move out, do this every time she gets either verbally or physically abusive. Don't listen to her abusive talk, either. Put in headphones to block her out. But really work on moving out -- even if it means couch surfing with a relative or friend. Even a woman's shelter may be better (and I'm not saying this lightly).

It's a toxic environment and you are volunteering to bath in it. Your original question is "How to stop a combative elderly mother?" and the answer is you can't you need to move out and stop being her punching bag.

There are other solutions for her: once you get out, call APS and report her. Do not go back.
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Reply to Geaton777
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No one deserves abuse, no matter what may be causing it. You need to live in peace. Make arrangements to live elsewhere and leave mom to her violence on her own. Social services will kick in when necessary
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Tell us more.
What medical workup has been done?
Has a UTI been ruled out?
What does her doctor have to say?
Is there a dementia diagnosis?
How long has this hitting out been diagnosed?

If there is no medical condition present here and no dementia you are free to go. And should do so. Do not return.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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My sister went through this. She and her husband (they just reunited) live with his mother because he was helping to take care of her. After his mother hit my sister for no reason and broke two of her ribs-knocking her to the floor, they called 911. The police came and they took the MIL to the hospital. The hospital kept her for four days and she was evaluated and put on medication. It hasn’t helped much. She was diagnosed with slight dementia. She has always been mean. The judge ordered family counseling. The mother will not go. The hospital sent her back home. She tried to hit my sister again. She also curses all the time. My sister purchased a nice livable RV and truck to pull it (funds from our mother’s estate-she passed last year). Her husband stays with her some and with his mom some. It is working well. My sister hasn’t been there in months and has mental peace.
I would get out as soon as possible.
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Reply to DianaGearhart
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BurntCaregiver Nov 13, 2025
@Diana

Wow. Your poor sister. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and I never took an injury. I don't care how old someone is, what their mental status is, or what their psychiatric conditions are. My motto has always been, you lay a hand on me and you'll be sorry you did.
(4)
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Leave.
You do not need to stay with her, and you do not need to subject yourself to this treatment. She could really hurt you. And, you don't deserve it.
You don't need to prove anything to anyone, and you don't owe your mother.

If she is still capable of living on her own, let her. If she is unsafe living on her own, and no one has POA, then call APS and let them find a solution.

If you have siblings who are criticizing and think you should take on the job of living with and taking care of your mother full time, tell them you can not do it any more, and let them try if the want. To be clear, it is not your siblings' responsibility any more than it is yours. Your mother is a grown woman, and can mismanage her life as she pleases. If anyone in the family has POA for your mother, then they will have to make decisions to plan for her care, but that does not mean that they must Provide that hands-on care.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Isabelsdaughter Nov 13, 2025
I agree, do not let siblings guilt trip you. You are being abused, get out of that situation.
(4)
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Its not you and I suspect you have been the scapegoat most of your life. There are many videos on YouTube describing dysfunctional families and scapegoating. There is lots about elder abuse on the internet but little about the elders who physically and verbally abuse their adult children/caretakers. You don't have to put up with it. First document it. You may need it. When she finds out you might be making changes in her care I bet she will scream elder abuse. Cover yourself and protect yourself legally.
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Reply to fedupforever
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My husband has Alzheimer’s and is bed bound. He has become combative on brief changes. He has had several injuries his left leg and has pain on being turned so that is a big part of it. The hospice nurse witnessed his combative behavior and had them prescribe seroquil but generic of course. It might be helping so maybe talk to the medical team and try and determine what is causing her behavior.
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Reply to brendalm
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If she hits, kicks, bites, or assaults you in any way, you call 911. Do not tolerate that from her for one moment. You do not have to tolerate physical abuse (or any kind) from her or anyone else. It doesn't matter if she's your mother or not, or if she has dementia.

It sounds to me like you've probably had a lifetime of gaslighting from your parents and they have both been very convincing that you are the catalyst for the fighting and strife in the family. That is bullsh*t. Read the comments on the thread. Everyone here believes you. Walk away.

Leave her house and let her fend for herself, or the 'everyone' who thinks you're cause of all the discord can come and take care of her. Even if you have to go to a womens' shelter temporarily, go. You are a victim of domestic violence and you need help. Call the Domestic Violence hotline and explain your situation. They will help you get out.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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JeanLouise Nov 14, 2025
The 911 call during an assault will likely have mom taken for an involuntary mental health admit. In NY it's 72 hrs. Then OP can repeat UNSAFE DISCHARGE.
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thank you to all that answered. I'm getting my stuff together but she is on the deed to my place. I am getting a lawyer to stop her from selling my place. I've no job due to health and memory issues. I spent a lifetime in hospitals and still do. Im trying to buy back everything that was tossed but its costly. Using her money to do so. The narc sister has the POA and healthcare proxy and lives 300 miles away. I told her to get her a** down here with her narc adult kids and take care of her. I apppreciate all the help.
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Reply to CassandraB1
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MargaretMcKen Nov 13, 2025
Cassandra, does “she is on the deed to my place” mean that M owns it? If so, wait until you hear from the lawyer you ‘are getting’ before you go too much further, particularly about ‘using her money … to buy back everything that was tossed’. You don’t want to end up in a lot more trouble.
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CassandraB1: Do not tolerate acrimony.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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It sounds like you are living there as you have no other options? And taking a beating for the "free" housing?

The best time to get the hell out of dodge was yesterday, and the second best time is today. Pack up your stuff and leave the minute you can. If you do not have somewhere to live, you can go to a women's shelter, and they will help you get back on your feet, as a battered woman. You can let your siblings or whoever has POA know, or call APS on your way out. You are not responsible for this awful person.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
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Reply to LakeErie
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