She's 85, sane and lives in her home for now. She is exceptionally strong. I'm the eldest daughter and have been staying with her as I've no husband at the moment. She is becoming increasingly more Narc than usual, and has started with the hitting at me. I have the bruises but she is stronger than me. She has a glass of wine on occassion but still uses the same asshole behavior my father did to me growing up. What do I do. Everyone thinks its me. Its not. I am worried for her and myself mainly.
"She is becoming increasingly more Narc..." Learning what dementia looks like takes time because it is gradual, but progressive. Dementia behaviors often look like narcissism. One feature is they lose their ability to have empathy for others and this is why it gets mistaken for a personality disorder.
Maybe she's not exceptionally strong, but that you've been exceptionally conditioned? You have no boundaries? Once you find and defend boundaries you will be the strong one.
It won't be worth living there for free as being around her will come at a steep price. If you move out then "everyone" will see that it's her and not you.
Why exactly are you worried for her if she's "sane" and "exceptionally strong"? She hits you because she is physically stronger than you? Are you hearing yourself?
The very next time she attempts to hit you, walk out of the house and call 911. Don't back down. Until you move out, do this every time she gets either verbally or physically abusive. Don't listen to her abusive talk, either. Put in headphones to block her out. But really work on moving out -- even if it means couch surfing with a relative or friend. Even a woman's shelter may be better (and I'm not saying this lightly).
It's a toxic environment and you are volunteering to bath in it. Your original question is "How to stop a combative elderly mother?" and the answer is you can't you need to move out and stop being her punching bag.
There are other solutions for her: once you get out, call APS and report her. Do not go back.
You do not need to stay with her, and you do not need to subject yourself to this treatment. She could really hurt you. And, you don't deserve it.
You don't need to prove anything to anyone, and you don't owe your mother.
If she is still capable of living on her own, let her. If she is unsafe living on her own, and no one has POA, then call APS and let them find a solution.
If you have siblings who are criticizing and think you should take on the job of living with and taking care of your mother full time, tell them you can not do it any more, and let them try if the want. To be clear, it is not your siblings' responsibility any more than it is yours. Your mother is a grown woman, and can mismanage her life as she pleases. If anyone in the family has POA for your mother, then they will have to make decisions to plan for her care, but that does not mean that they must Provide that hands-on care.
What medical workup has been done?
Has a UTI been ruled out?
What does her doctor have to say?
Is there a dementia diagnosis?
How long has this hitting out been diagnosed?
If there is no medical condition present here and no dementia you are free to go. And should do so. Do not return.
I would get out as soon as possible.
Wow. Your poor sister. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and I never took an injury. I don't care how old someone is, what their mental status is, or what their psychiatric conditions are. My motto has always been, you lay a hand on me and you'll be sorry you did.
Can you move out? If finances are an issue could you look into low-income senior housing (if you qualify) in your area?
I agree with Peggy Sue, call the cops if she gets physical with you again. It is not OK for her to get drunk and hit you.
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