Follow
Share

I'm trying to set boundaries with my elderly mother. She insists on living "independently" but constantly wants and needs me to do things for her. These things can be anything from simple daily living tasks (such as coming to her house to get something she wants off a top shelf in her cupboard or bring in her mail so she doesn't have to go outside to the mailbox) to serious immediate needs (such as picking her up off the floor when she falls).


This situation is of my own making. I tried to be more helpful and accommodating to Mom after my Dad got ill 2 years ago. I've been even more helpful since he passed away several months ago. She has come to rely on my level of "jumping" when she calls.


It is time for me to pull back and set some boundaries with her, but I want to do so in a kind and loving manner. My mom is a master manipulator. She tends to use pity and anger if I don't acquiesce to her demands. Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can do this?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Take her out to lunch ( people tend to e better behaved in public places).

Explain that you are finding it impossible to be available to meet her needs as they arise. Suggest a system whereby she keeps a list of tasks for you to do once a week. Suggest that she hire help for big tasks like housecleaning and lawn care. Ask if there is a young neighbor who could reliably bring in her mail each day for a small fee.
Helpful Answer (20)
Report
Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
And move items off top shelves.
(11)
Report
See 2 more replies
Start with changing her environment. We did everything we could think of to make it easier for my dad to live alone. There is now nothing stored up high. The top shelves are empty in all cabinets and closets. He has a grabber tool for reaching things he’s dropped. We removed fall hazards like rugs that weren’t secured down well. We added grab bars like crazy in his bathroom, a shower seat as well. There’s a Knoxbox on his front porch for emergency responders to use to get a housekey from if they need to come in so they don’t have to break down the door. The post office has a form to fill out to have mail delivered to the door for the disabled. Order a pendant for her to use for real emergency needs. My dad wears one from Great Call. In essence, make there be less reason for calling. Then absolutely set boundaries and firm ones. Remember there are emergency responders who will come, you aren’t the only source of help, and some things can wait
Helpful Answer (25)
Report

Good suggestions about rearranging her home to be more accommodating to her. Of course you will then find out it is more about just wanting your attention rather than actually needing your help. My father would often call and expect me to leave work to reprogram his remote control. Showing him how to do it himself was NOT what he wanted. As he would say...it was easier if I did it. Not easier for me mind you.

I learned to stop running over. Even if I was available I would put him off for a few days so he would not expect me to jump for every little thing. He would have some crisis he would expect me to jump for. It is amazing how many times the crisis would be long forgotten when I couldn't make it over there for a few days.

Depending on your life and schedule maybe set a time and day once a week that you will always visit. Minor requests need to wait for that time to get done. She won't starve just because she can't reach the box of saltines on Tuesday and you can't be there until Thursday.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

I'm,

Too much kindness is not kind.
"Sometimes nice is not nice", (as told to me by a professional).
But you are right, trying to exercise our own boundaries in a kind way so others won't feel hurt is a very wonderful thing to strive for. In assertiveness training, or in new found boundaries, it is very common to go the other end of the spectrum and behave in a too aggressive manner, often appearing harsh..

Then, there is a balance to achieve. The person on the other end of your new found freedom may balk, be unable to learn your new behavior towards them.

Let me know when you find out how to survive in a world full of narcissists.

In the meantime, here is a suggestion.
Offer to go with her to the mailbox for awhile. Say it is for her health, and you would love to support her in that. Later on, change it up. Drive up to her door/mailbox when you are going to lunch, call her to come out, remind her to get her mail, say kindly.......Say "It is okay Mom", I will wait".
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I find myself in a very similar situation and have come to realize a big part of it is the loneliness and boredom factor for my mother asking to jump to her needs. It has been suggested to have outside help ones who can deliver meals or come and help clean of course will cost. But it brings more human contact during the day. I even serviced where someone just comes and visits. May take some burden off you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I like the key box idea. Also, the postman coming to the door. Have a slot put in her door with a basket on the inside to catch the mail. Really, I can see why she maybe afraid to walk to a PO box. Those 3M hooks come in all kinds of sizes now so basket should be easy to install.

Does she really need something off the top shelf? Usually what I have on the top shelf is something I don't use that much. Maybe this would be a good time to get rid of stuff she no longer needs or uses. That will give her room to have the stuff on lower shelving. My Aunt had a small pantry that was easier to get to shelves than her cabinets. So she put her dishes in the pantry and her food in the cabinets. Another friend was wheelchair bound so the lower cabinets became storage for dishes and pots and pans the higher for what had been in the lower.

From the time Mom could no longer drive, I set boundries. One day a week we went food shopping and ran errands. Mom was still involved with Church and was able to get rides to things going on in the Church. I took her on Sundays. She had friends who invited her to go to events held around the community. We eat at BK every Friday. Have been doing it for over 30 yrs, with our girls and later grands. After Dads death, Mom went with us. Yes, there were times Mom needed a prescription picked up. A ride to appts, which were made on my time. I was working part time.

You can't be at someones beck and call. It will just drain you.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
I have the key box. Got rid of the alert button because it didn’t work well and actually caused more stress. Mom couldn’t hear them, and so forth. I do like the key box though. My kids can let themselves in if they forget their key!
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
There are a couple of really intelligent books by a psychologist named Harriet Lerner that I think every caregiver should read. The first is called Dance of Anger, and the other is called Dance of Intimacy, and both talk about exactly that -- setting boundaries, but doing it kindly.

Basically she says that we often get ourselves into trouble when trying to set boundaries because we haven't taken enough time to truly sort out what our boundaries are. We know we're being asked to do too much, but haven't fully sorted through exactly what we can and can't do before we start a conversation about it, which makes it hard to stand firm when the loved one pushes back -- which is actually a predictable response, and one we can prepare for.

I strongly recommend you read at least Dance of Anger, in which she describes a woman, Katy, who is a caregiver for a father who is being incredibly manipulative and demanding, and the way she eventually sorted through this complicated situation.

These books are both quite old, but still in print (available via Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc.) and they aren't written specifically for caregivers, though she definitely addresses a lot of caregiving issues. I highly, highly recommend both of them to anybody caring for a loved one. They're the two most intelligent books on boundary setting that I've ever read. She doesn't offer magic solutions, but I found what she did say to be life-changing
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
CTTN55 Mar 2019
Laura, I read both of those books a number of years ago. There was a lot to think about in regards to my relationship with my mother. And that was long before our relationship became really difficult in the past few years! Thanks for mentioning these books, as I want to go back and reread them.
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
JoAnn29: "From the time Mom could no longer drive, I set boundries. One day a week we went food shopping and ran errands. Mom was still involved with Church and was able to get rides to things going on in the Church. I took her on Sundays. She had friends who invited her to go to events held around the community. We eat at BK every Friday. Have been doing it for over 30 yrs, with our girls and later grands. After Dads death, Mom went with us. Yes, there were times Mom needed a prescription picked up. A ride to appts, which were made on my time. I was working part time."

This is very similar to the boundaries I set with my own mother. Thanks to this forum, when she stopped driving I knew I had to set boundaries on my driving her places right away. She was NOT happy, at first. I think it would have been much more difficult if I hadn't set down these boundaries from the beginning. I took her to Mass and to medical appointments. She got one day a week, and I took her to a chair yoga class and then grocery shopping afterwards.

She did become a shut-in once she stopped driving. Previously (she stopped driving shortly after she turned 90), she would go out most days. She drove to a nearby mall to walk, which was important for socialization.

She relied on an upstairs neighbor (condo) to come down and do little jobs for her. I got permission from the post office to install a mailbox by her door, instead of her having to go to a cluster mailbox. She also had a Great Call fall device (the simplest one initially, then the one which detects falls and activates the device without her having to do anything except wear it).
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Good for you!
(0)
Report
I struggled mightily with this. Finally - much later than I should have - I sat my mother down and told her just what I would, and what I would NOT, do. Doing this kindly is almost possible, but just this side of it. You
must recognize 1. your life comes first, & 2. you are in charge. Mom has to understand that she can’t expect everything of you; she may need occasional help from others. The painful issue for me was realizing that one should NEVER be
the only person she relies on. You will sink into quicksand if you don’t get this.
After Mom fired a few people I hired to help her, I told her that she would go without this help if she did this again. She pulled back on her demands, because I finally became strong! YOU MUST TAKE CHARGE. Love these parents but don’t be manipulated by them. You’ll lose yourself if you do.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
Psalms23 Apr 2019
👍
(1)
Report
The only answer is becoming assertive. (I had the opposite problem with my later mother - she hated to speak up when she needed anything, and believe it or not, THAT was a big problem at times.) If you don't know how, read some of those assertiveness books, such as I'm OK, You're Okay, Transactional
Analysis, etc. It will be hard at first, but this is survival for you, and as I also had to learn, if you don't have enough energy, etc. for yourself, you have NOTHING to give others. You might start by telling her your mom that you love her and want to help her as much as you can, but due to your (job, life situation, commitments, etc.), you need to have some limits. Explain that you want to stay healthy and strong in part to help meet her needs and make life as pleasant for her as possible, but that means: (and then you lay out a few boundaries - only a few - so she can't feel overwhelmed or forget them all.) When she "forgets" - and she will for a testing period - you quietly remind her and do NOT make exceptions to the rules, unless not to do so puts her in some sort of danger or severe pain. She will be angry with you for longer than you think you can bear, but after a while, this will become the new normal for her. I want to say, she is so blessed having someone like you in her life, whether she can realize it or not. Take very good care of YOU as well as her. PS If it gets to a point where her needs exceed your abilities, get professional help. I offered to quit my career to take care of my dying father, and the doctor told me I'd kill him if I kept him at home, because I had neither the training nor the equipment for the PT, etc. he required. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Great topic, great answers. I also carry a phrase with me, that I say to mom in ways appropriate at the time: you may be insisting to live independently, but leveraging me for everything is NOT independence. It takes using other people / services for cerain things, and planning and rearrangement of furniture and items such as people have listed above. I think it is kind and useful to relieve them of the delusion that they’re successfully independent when pulling on one person all the time.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Kingsbridge Apr 2019
I always knew my dad was able to continue living independently because I ensured he had what he needed; but I never said this to him...what a great phrase to use and so so true. Thank you!
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
The sooner you set a new normal, the better. I was never able to do it
and ended up having to put my mom in a personal care home. There,
the wonderful care giver tells her what she needs to do and walks out
of the room. Mother is doing things for her that she could not do for me
because I always "helped" till it was beyond my ability and I was
dropping her and running constantly at her beck and call like it was her
job to control every moment of my time. Patterns are terribly hard to
break. I concluded it is two different things to be a daughter, and to be
a caregiver. I am back to the daughter role and that is much better. If
you have to be the caregiver, you have to give up the "daughter" role.
My mom loves her caregiver and the caregiver loves her but it is not the
same as when I walk in- she becomes helpless again. I do not know how
it happened- it just happened very gradually. That is why I say, "Stop it
now before it develops any further." I think it was Abraham Lincoln who
said It does not help a person in the long run to do for them what they can and should do for themselves.
If she can write, she can make a list of things she needs next time you
come. Any non-emergency item should go on that list. I was able to
gain some control when I set a schedule:
This is when I do these items......
Here are your supplies so you can do this.
Lunch is in 30 minutes....
I won't be at the grocery till Tue and will be glad to pick some up then.
We can keep an eye out for that......

God has been faithful every step of the way and He will not forsake us.

Blessings as you serve His children.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Psalms23 Apr 2019
Amen! Ditto ❤️ Almost feels like you are writing from my head. I felt guilty so long because I had to stand up for myself... Thanks
(4)
Report
Lol I don’t see how you can reasonably expect a master manipulator to take kindly to telling her she can’t manipulate you any longer. If she has narcissistic personality tendencies the whole point is control. If she doesn’t control you , you aren’t worth her time lol. ( from experience, ) But seriously, if you haven’t do some research on that type of personality. You’ll have to decide if you want to continue to be used or make her mad. You can’t change her, you can only change you. Depending on your decision , you may want to get a therapist to help you see how to deal with it.

More importantly though is where you mention picking her up after she falls. It doesn’t really sound like she is in a safe situation. It may be time to think about home health care if you can afford it or either an independent living or assisted living facility, depending on her needs. If she is falling, it’s only a matter of time until she breaks something and ends up in far worse shape.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
TouchMatters Apr 2019
Janner - I couldn't have said it better myself.

Interrupting or changing one's response towards a dependent, frightened/ fearful person (used to getting their way) WILL UNDOUBTEDLY bring up their (sense of) self-protective responses ("take care of me"). When you stop taking that bait, of course, she'll 'kick and scream' (like a child). Being clear, standing your ground IS BEING kind and compassionate. Just remember, it won't feel like that to her, and likely nor you since this is a new dynamic for both of you.
For you to feel you are being kind and considerate, perhaps be aware of:
(1) do not scream or raise your voice;
(2) Acknowledge your own feelings [to yourself] when she 'acts out' and not respond on those feelings w her directly (unless she gets abusive (then tell her you'll continue the conversation when she's 'cooled down.')
(3)
a-DO NOT set up a scenario of making you right and her wrong.
b-Do not argue or try to explain yourself (as if you are guilty of something)
c-Acknowledge her expressed needs (reflective listening) so she'll know you hear her and are listening.
d-Calmly tell her what you will and will not do, offering suggestions (wait until I come over next time; say its time to get a helper to assist you, etc.) DO YOUR RESEARCH NOW and get some other(s) in place to step in.
e-Ask her if she fell or injured herself. If she says "NO," tell her you are very glad she is safe. Go back to 'd' above.
(4) Give her alternative choices, i.e., don't leave her hanging with nothing.
Go back to 'd' above. (I'll see when xxx can come over to assist you).
It is being kind to give her alternatives to get her needs met.
(5) She may need to 'wait' a few hours or a day(s) to get that item off the top shelf.
I love dogs so this comment is sincere - "When a person goes to Dog Training Classes, the teaching is forthe guardian/owner, not the dog."

When you change your behavior with what may feel like tough love, you are being very kind. Gena.
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
Things done with respect are often done kindly.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Good Morning, I am the full time caregiver for my husband who has been diagnosed with Parkinson's Dementia. He becomes very manipulative and at times refuses to take care of himself. My question is how to set boundaries when you live in the same home. I have consulted an Elder source Lawyer about nursing home placement, however he has not scored high enough on the PRI exam to warrant the placement. At times he is very disagreeable and mean. He is also addicted to the medication because it effects the dopamine level in his brain, I am responsible for the administration of the medication and if he does not get it when he wants it, he becomes verbal abusive. There are times that I want to leave, but I do not want to lose everything I have worked for. I am 67 yrs old. I am in good health, I have just retired. I worked for 50 yrs, and have raised 4 children, now I am dealing with this problem everyday. Any suggestions. Thank you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
cwillie Apr 2019
Post a new question Lhilburger, this is lm1984's thread and besides it being impolite to hijack someone's thread no one other than those following it will see your question.
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
You have a heart-to-heart talk....you explain yourself clearly and firmly.
If you have a hard time talking about it, write a letter (then she can refer back to it). Just deliver in person so you can talk about it with her to see if she has questions.
And then, STICK TO IT. Repeat when necessary.

I told my parents, tough love...like they used to say to me. They got it!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Psalms23 Apr 2019
LoL 🤣 You said it..
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
There is a lot of things you can do. Get the legal stuff done first. P.O.A., Trustee, etc. What ever it takes to get to the position to help her when she can't help herself. Look into "Helping Hands" or some other part time in home help, Consult a social worker, talk to the area on aging, get her a med alert or some other emergency response outsource.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
MargaretMcKen Apr 2019
Absolutely important to get the paperwork done and dusted before there is a diagnosis of 'not legally competent'.
(1)
Report
My 91 year old Papa has Parkinson’s and lives alone. He should be in a NH but refuses. He is unable to do much but sit in his chair and make it to the bathroom on a walker. We go over to his house every day at 4 pm. We do whatever needs done (dishes, make the bed, etc.). We visit a bit, heat up his supper and leave at 5 pm. We take 3 days of meals over at a time (all the same), do his laundry, buy his groceries, etc.

He has an aide that comes in 4 mornings a week to shower him and do light cleaning.

He knows that unless there is an emergency, that we will be there at 4 - it has to wait till then. We feel that one hour a day isn’t too big a commitment. This is all because he wants to die at home, so everyone is trying to support that wish.

He has a 1st Alert and a keybox on his door.

Just another way to look at ways to support an elderly person living alone.
Keep in mind that he is frail and unable to do much for himself. And we only live 10 minutes away.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You can be kind and respectful in setting your boundaries. That does not ensure that your mother will be kind and respectful in return. In fact, I suspect she will continue her ways of using pity and anger to manipulate you. Your response to that is your choice. Once you have decided on your boundaries, simply state them to your mother, in writing as well, possibly, and stick to them calmly.

My mother was very manipulative too, and wanted me as a servant. I realized that I, myself, had to distinguish between was a "need" such as you picking your mother up when she has fallen, and what was a "want" such as you getting the mail when she asks, Then I had to decide how much time and effort I could/wanted to devote to the "wants". I was very firm when it came to things I would not do and had to ignore the name calling and complaining to others etc.

It is good also to look at her needs and which you can meet. As your mother ages the "needs" will increase. She may need home help and eventually placement in a facility. The burden of hands-on help does not all have to be yours. As your mother is falling, you may want to consider if she is safe living alone any more. Has the reason for these falls been diagnosed? They are a health and safety issue and her dr. needs to know about them if (s)he doesn't already.

I totally agree that POA financial and medical need to be put in place. Likely she will resist this. Sometimes a respected friend or professional's advice with be more effective. Good luck and let us know how it works out. It is just the beginning of this leg of the journey.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
So true! We don’t always get in return what we give. We can be kind, polite, respectful, etc.

If they choose to be mean in return we can’t stop it. We can walk away! At least temporarily.
(5)
Report
I like many of the answers you've received below. I found that what works for me is I visit/take care of needs 3 times a week. Of course there are special circumstances that come up that I may need to be at mom's house more during the week but I find that I can commit to Wednesday evenings ( eating dinner with her/visiting/laundry or grocery shopping) Saturday evening I take her to church ( this she looks forward to all week and it is not easy because she is not very mobile) and Sunday afternoons. I call and text everyday because there are some days that if I did not call she would not have any human contact at all. This system keeps me from becoming bitter and feeling like she is stealing my time away from my own family. Find out what will work for you - you do not want to be bullied into caring for some one period. I find that I enjoy our visits and sometimes I just sit and listen and let her catch me up on her favorite Blue Bloods episodes. :) Stay strong.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Makes sense!
(0)
Report
OMG! Someone else is experiencing the same situation.😃 My mother is high maintenance as well. After cursing and complaining under my breath, I just say no or don't answer the phone. Mom finds a way for doing things on her own when I am not there but becomes helpless like when I am there. I set a schedule for myself which includes time for Mom and time for me. Do you have siblings or other relatives that can help? My siblings and I have a Mom care schedule and we have in home health aide to come during the day. A schedule helps each of us to commit to a time for Mom care coverage. Sometimes we trade days or times when things come up that we want to do. Anyway it was uncomfortable for to tell Mom no or inform her of my availability or not. However, for your sanity and life you have to have that break through. I held on for so long that I became mean and resentful toward my mother. That's no way to be. Free yourself by telling her. She's going to be angry and maybe hurt, but you have to help yourself to live in order to be able to keep helping your mom.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Psalms,

Some people can’t admit their frustrations.

I love how real your answer is. Thanks!

I love your practical advice. I love how you shared your personal experience.
(3)
Report
Set boundaries in a kind and loving manner? Yes, that would be nice. The thing is, you may start off kind and loving, but when a demanding individual sees they are not going to get what they want from you they might respond in ways that turn things very unkind and very unloving. Be prepared that situations might get twisted into anger then there you are right in the middle of the exact same thing that you tried so earnestly to avoid. I wish I had a good answer, but can only offer my empathy. I think perhaps try a few things, see how it goes, then keep re-adjusting as needed.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Lizhappens Apr 2019
I sincerely believe that while the other person can get nasty, you have to be strong in your mind that that is them and it is not you and you must turn and walk away. You’re right and I’m right, but I found what I just said actually works. At least it did for me.

this woman was so mean (MIL), the day after my mother died, While I did not out right cry, I was very sad and moist-eyed in the morning, when her husband asked what was wrong and I told him, she looked me dead in the eye and said “we don’t do that here.”

Thank God for the support of other caregivers!
(4)
Report
Sometimes it’s a fantasy. No matter how kind we are, it won’t matter to them. They will still be mean in return.

Don’t look at yourself as a failure either if you lose your temper. I had a therapist tell me that he lost his temper over problems that occurred in his house. Then he went on to say that, of course it happens. that everyone has lost their temper before and that it is perfectly normal to get angry at times.

I got so sick of people judging me that I couldn’t express how I felt. It took a therapist to say it was okay to feel what I was feeling. We feel what we feel, work through it, move on. Don’t let people make you feel guilty about how you feel.

This situation puts enough pressure on us. Don’t feel like you have to be perfect. If you screw up, so what. Everyone else has screwed up too.

Chances are they just won’t admit it. I admire people who admit it. I don’t admire anyone who always tells others what to do and never admit to doing anything wrong.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Psalms23 Apr 2019
Amen!👍
(5)
Report
See 4 more replies
Consistency. Kind and loving boundaries held up consistently. No matter what she says. I suggest you let her know there’ll be a set time for you to come by to do certain things and let her know when that’ll be. That is for the cup off-the-shelf & the mail from the mailbox sort of things. You can’t avoid the situations of helping her get up off the floor unless you bring in the caregiver.

Side bar: Can she not get her self off the floor? In that case you might have to consider living with her or getting 24 hour care if she’s falling and can’t get up. that is a potential elder-abuse situation if no one is available.

Back to the point: just tell her and then be consistent and don’t let yourself feel guilty. You stated you know she’s manipulative. So at this point, you know it’s your responsibility to stay strong in the face of the manipulation. eventually she’ll come around after shes done throwing fits and such. It may take a while. Speak it gently and firmly and consistently follow it up.

But back to the more serious side, if what I suggested is true you have to do something about Having 24 hour care available or put her in a facility. Hugs good luck and God bless
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Await until you collapse from exhaustion and your insurance company nurse line tells you to call 911 for an ambulance. This happened to me two days ago and I still in bed. Paramedics said heart and oxygen ok but that in tired and should take warm bath. Mom and I live together so she was there for the whole thing. I am having symptoms similar to rheumatoid arthritis flair or pmr. I'm 55 and I'm willing to do all sorts of things, my body is intervening and saying no. By the way, this is just the result of job interviews all day Friday and grocery shopping all day Saturday. Sunday my plan was church and beach, but it turned out to be sudden onset cold shivering sweats, light-headedness, nausea, head to toe inflamed joints, tightness around chest neck and shoulders, and muscle spasms of the back. Sunday night I had so much pain and stiffness I could barely move 2-3 feet to turn off the lamp by my bed.

All this, and Mon I'd 86 and still pretty self sufficient.

I recommend assisted living if there is money and there are falls.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Jean,

So sorry. Please get rest now. Not a good situation to be in. I fear this happening to me at times. Very hard. Get well soon. Hugs!!!
(3)
Report
You shouldn't be picking your mother up when she falls. You could do permanent damage to your back. Hide a key outside and call 911. If she is falling often the reason why needs to be addressed.

Good luck on keeping it sweet and nice when you won't jump to her demands.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Always have a medical professional pick her up when she falls. Good grief; you could do some real damage to yourself. Don't jump when she plays the pity card. You'll lose your mind.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Lizhappens Apr 2019
You can’t always have a medical professional pick her up when she falls. That can be overkill/unnecessary sometimes. Case-by-case basis???

Maybe if you could describe what kind of falls are you referring to.
(0)
Report
I'd say hire an in home caregiver. Start out at about 2-3 hours per day, maybe no more than 1-2 days a week then gradually increase it over time until your Mom doesn't expect you to be at her beck and call. If she needs a higher level of care than you or the caregiver can give, it will then be time to look into facilities that can help her. Try not to let her guilt trips and anger get to you: talking with a therapist will help you master this skill. By using tactics like that, its showing you that your Mom is incapable of any kind of maturity, selflessness or understanding of others' needs. Doing these guilt trips creates a very unhealthy attachment that leads to dependence.....and dependence like that can be dangerous. Hope this helps you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You must sit her down and tell her you have some things to say but you expect that you will each respect each other by listening and both agree to disagree and that is o.k. Then kindly tell your mother that what she is doing is affecting you and how. If she starts getting nasty or abusive to you, then stand firm and tell her in no uncertain terms, you understand her "wishes/feelings" but this is the way it is going to be done from now on - your way - and she either accepts this or you will be forced to find another alternative. Be very tough and firm. Niceties will not get you what you want - and you know that. Be professional, calm but direct and very firm. You can only do........and let her know that is the final word. Then if she really blows up, tell her you have said what you had to say and she either accept it or else - and then walk away.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

In setting a boundary, you are seeking to protect yourself, not change the other person. Just tell them calmly how it is going to be and leave it at that.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
kdcm1011 Apr 2019
What a great answer! Totally sums it up. I am definitely keeping this as a reminder. Thank you.
(4)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter