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My mother is cognitively capable, recovering from a stroke, and no one has been her caregiver. When I nicely respond to my sister's opinions about our mother's care needs once she's released from rehab, she tells me to go to hell if I don't 100% agree with her. I've remained civil in my responses to her but I don't think it's productive for me to keep taking it and then feel like s____. Advice?

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She tells you to go to hell:

”Fine, I’ll save you a seat.”
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MJ1929 Apr 2022
The sister is much older. I think she should ask the sister to save her a seat. ;-)
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When a parent is serious ill, children go bonkers. Family crisis erupts. It happens in every family.
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Go no contact with her, she is not respecting you or your opinion(s)
For every bad action, there is a bad reaction, set your boundaries and stick with them.

We teach people how to treat us, she seems to know that you will take her verbal abuse, and with that knowledge it will continue and most likely get worse.

The ball is in your court.

Sorry about this.
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The last time I was in the same physical space as my sister was about 5 years ago and it was at a wedding. Our estrangement goes back over 20 years and I've had similar encounters with my sister that you have had. I would encourage you to stop being civil to her. When my sister became irrational with me I refused to speak till she understood that I was *Not* going to allow her to speak to me like I was dirt. Next time she says "go to hell". I would suggest something like.
"I can't go I've got to take care of our mother"
"You first, since it's age before beauty"
"Hell might be more restful then taking care of mother"
"If I go to hell then who's going to take care of mother, certainly not you"

I would follow this up with "When you decide to stop talking to me like I'm the a****** I will listen to you and not before, I'm taking care of mother NOT you and we are deciding the best care for her, not you. If you can't be civil to me then don't speak to me at all."

Some times standing up to people is the best course of action.
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There's no landline in her room, or at the desk?
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GraceJones Apr 2022
The desk might be complicated depending how far it is. I imagine the staff may not want to hold up the line while my mother takes her time to walk there. Do they have landlines in this day and age in patient rooms? You know what, I'll need to call them during business hours and find out.
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Grace, they probably put your sister down a s the point of contact because she was the one who brought your mother in after the stroke. If your mother is legally competent, she should be able to change that to you.

Don’t forget snail mail, cards etc. I’ve lived for 20 years on an isolated farm with no mobile reception and a dodgy landline (often when it rains, the electric fences short out the phone lines). I’ve often had to rely on the post, and it still works well!
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Is this behavior terribly unusual for your Sister?
Have you, under normal circumstances, got along really well?
This behavior, as you describe it, of your being very nice, and your sister telling you to "go to hell" is extreme, and I would say unusual. I would ask her if you have unbeknownst to yourself, offended her, or if she is upset because Mom has been ill.
You are correct, that speaking with someone who is exhibiting extremely odd behavior suddenly, and for utterly no reason, isn't probably able right now to discuss things with you. You should back away a bit.
Might I ask you if EITHER you or your Sister live with your Mother?
Do you have a difference of opinion as to whether/or how much care your Mom needs now?
You describe your Mom as cognitively capable. Is she having physical deficits that might be a source of worry to either you or Sister? Is sister expressing herself stressed at the moment by other family, health, work issues?
Illness is always a source of worry and distress in family. We are all individuals and our reactions all differ. And of course, Sister's current stress level may have zero to do with you or with Mom. In most cases where we feel someone is reacting because of us, it has little to do with us.
Anything we say here, with so little description of what is going on, is, of course, pure guesswork. But, unless Sister is diagnosed with mental disorders, this behavior is unusual and worthy of deep thought on your part.
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GraceJones Apr 2022
Based on what I heard, this sounds like my sister's typical behavior throughout her life. I haven't personally been lashed out at by her before because we did not have a relationship and the most we ever spoke to each other in life is during the past couple of weeks since our mother had a stroke. She was an adult when I was born, living in another city, and I barely ever saw her.

Neither one of us lives in the same city as our mother. My sister spent a week with our mother before she went into rehab, and I'm going to spend at least 3 weeks with her after rehab.
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If you haven't had a relationship with your 21 years older sister throughout your life, why are you expecting one now? Since you are the one planning to spend 3 weeks with your mother post rehab, what difference does it make what your sister thinks about her care anyway? Block her on your phone, if necessary, and focus on caring for mom after she's released, however YOU see fit. If sissy wants to know why she's blocked, tell her: You told me to go to hell so I figured we were done communicating. And we ARE! You're blocked.

Good luck!
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“When we’re together, it’s as if I’m already there.”

Said with a slight head tilt, eye contact, a sing-song voice and small, tight smile.
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Why aren't you discussing discharge dates and care plans with your mother?
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GraceJones Apr 2022
I can't because she does not have a cell phone. It's frustrating but she's always been a luddite. I don't have a way to reach her.
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