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My brothers all live in different states or countries. 10 years ago, I moved our mom and dad into my home (while I was being medically retired from the military with my own health issues) because our parents could no longer take care of themselves. Dad has since passed and Mom has Vascular Dementia.
Since then, my brothers have visited and we send the occasional email, but all care is left to me. I have full POA.
Our Mom does pay for an aide to come so that I get a few hours break. But, like many, almost every aspect of my life has been negatively affected by being a caregiver... financial, emotional, social, and physical. I think that there is a lot of willful blindness by 2 of my siblings as to how much I have sacrificed. My other brother has taken care of his wife's elderly family member and understands.
However, since I have always been stoic and a future planner, I have coped well. And I do not regret my decision to care for our parents.
But then there will be a line in an email and it will just sends me into PO'd rantings.
This time it was "Sounds like Mom isn't too much effort for you."
I typed a response that included a couple of FUs... which I did not send as I am letting my blood cool.

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dear cashew :),

i’ve always loved your screen name.

——
now for the topic:
your silly, selfish brothers.

“But, like many, almost every aspect of my life has been negatively affected by being a caregiver... financial, emotional, social, and physical.”

EXACTLY.
:(

your brother said:
"Sounds like Mom isn't too much effort for you."

selfish, ungrateful, insulting response. i also would have raged, reading that.

——
my own way of dealing with such things? i reply, with an angry message. i let it all out. even if my 3 brothers don’t read the message, i’ve said what i need to say. if you keep it in, it might blow up at some point later in life. i prefer to express right away that i’m angry. deal with the injustice now. otherwise the injustice will be simmering in your mind/body/soul.

they deserve to hear your anger. they might ignore your anger - and that might make you even more angry. ok. well, express that anger too. you’re going to have to deal with this justified anger anyway, at some point. the greater the injustice, the greater the justified anger.

——
many of us, when we’re angry/sad/badly treated, start eating badly. comfort eating.

then:
not only were you unjustly treated, but your body also starts suffering.

meanwhile, the selfish-ones don’t have a care in the world, leading a fulfilling/thriving life at your expense.

if you didn’t exist cashew, your brothers would have had to take action, put effort/work into helping your parents (for example, finding a good facility also takes work/time).

——
all these bad siblings should become siblings of each other. imagine cashew, your bad brothers and my bad brothers, would be brothers. they’d have to deal with each other’s selfishness.
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Nice response: Actually it is much too much for me to cope with, in fact an unacceptable level of effort, but you aren’t giving me any option. Suggestions for help would be appreciated. You might like to come and check, so that you can get a better idea about things.
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bundleofjoy Sep 2022
additional response:

P.S.

Dear brothers, I have many friends. One of them is called Bundle of Joy, and she's going to whip your butts. Have a good day. Sincerely, Cashew
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Look, YOU made the choice to take the actions you did, and you are still making your choices today. And you say you don't regret your decisions. So, you need to own it. If you are giving your sibling the impression that everything is OK, then naturally he may say something like that. Your siblings have lives of their own and responsibilities and obligations of their own. You should not expect anything of them, nor should you be upset with them. If you are really upset with them, maybe it's time to reevaluate YOUR decisions and YOUR continued caregiving abilities.
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bundleofjoy Sep 2022
1.
not all choices are really choices. i'll give you an example: where we live, really, the facilities are terrible. (when i say, "where we live", i don't mean my whole country. i mean, where we live). the life expectancy in the facilities here is 3-6 months. really. in addition, famous for neglect and abuse. if my LOs had gone there, it's very likely they would have died a long time ago, AND had a miserable last months of life.

everyone where i live, tries to keep their elderly parents home.

mstrbill, you might say: "BOJ you had a choice. you could have put your LOs in a facility."

i would say: "no, i had no choice. i'll do all i can so that my parents can stay at home, and live happily and long."

indeed, my brothers also want them to stay at home (we're all aware the facilities here are bad). i said, "brothers, if you want your parents to stay at home, then you must help to make that happen. it doesn't magically happen."

2.
helping can come in many forms. there is a huge difference between a TOTALLY non-helping sibling, and a sibling who at least helps a little. even little things help lessen the burden of the sibling-who-helps-a-lot. siblings can also show deep gratitude for all the helping-sibling is doing. there are so many ways to help; or express gratitude.
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"Since mom is clearly not too much of an effort, I propose that going forward, we arrange for you to come and stay for 2 weeks so I can take a long needed vacation. I think it would do you and mom some good to be better acquainted; I know it would be great for me to get away from the stress of caregiving for a while."

Cashew, you are exactly correct that sibling is trying to assuage their guilt. Make the most of it.

AND think about arranging some respite for yourself. ((((Hugs))))
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While every situation & family is different, I do hear many tales where one sibling becomes the main (or only) caregiver.

Why?
One volunteers.

"I moved our Mom and Dad into my home".
Why? Because it felt right.
Nothing wrong with that!
You stepped in to help.

But the needs change over time. They keep growing. Therefore the care needs to change & grow too.

So.. onwards to change..

Before you plan the next steps, seeing where you are is always a good starting point.

Which is where? Getting snowed under.

Are you going to wait for your brothers to shovel you out? Even though it's clear they are NOT volunteering to be caregivers. Or look for someone who CAN help? Eg more paid carers?

I get you want some recognition, respect & support - coz you deserve it! Sadly, expecting others to meet our needs can leave our needs 'unmet'.

Give yourself a BIG pat on the back today 🤗

Tomorrow start thinking about what to change.
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Cashew, not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on caregiver. I know I wasn't.

There does come a time when a love one needs a village to take care of them, especially when it comes to later stages of dementia where 24 hour care is needed.

Your brother who has helped with his wife's family elders knows all too well what is involved, and he and wife probably do not want to go down that road again. They are exhausted.

Please note that up to 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds. What if something happens to you, then what? Moving a person who has dementia to another State or Country is not in their best interest.

Do your brothers feel that Mom should be in Memory Care, where professionals are ready to help no matter what is the situation?
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mstrbill Sep 2022
Solid response. Hopefully we've given OP another perspective that may help her and her relationship with her family.
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Good Morning,

Do you have a "delete" button on your email account. Comes in handy every time!

Glad I could help!
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Just ignore them. Delete them and allow them to disappear into the ether.
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Block those people from your inbox. You don’t have to correspond with anyone who gives you grief. What you could do is refuse to correspond with any of them and instead send a group email to all on a schedule of your own choice - say every Monday or on the first and 15th of the month. Just a cheery, “Hi all, I’m sitting here with mom and we’re watching her favorite TV series. At her doctor appointment on Wednesday, we learned that her blood pressure is a bit high, so they changed her meds and she’s doing well.” Then blah blah blah, nothing to get anyone upset, and this limits you from having to deal with family who are trying to stir up trouble. Remember, at this point you’ve blocked the worst ones from your inbox. Then go on with your caregiving chores and know that you’ve done the best you could.
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Cashew,
🎁

You are a gift to us!
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Siblings that don't help are as dedicated to their narrative of self-absolution, as they are to their freedom from inconvenience. You are responsible for everything, you are to blame for everything that goes wrong, and their not being there is either ok or your fault too.
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bundleofjoy Sep 2022
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

this is so perfectly written that i even quoted your first sentence and just sent it to my brothers right now.
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Same here.

"Sounds like Mom isn't too much effort for you"

really means you are doing such a great job of caring for your mom that no one else has to worry about a thing. This isn't really a compliment tho. It just gets the shirker off the hook.

You can continue being a great caregiver for as long as it works for you. When it no longer works, again it will be you who does a great job finding care for mom. No one's going to do it for you.

Let these email jabs be motivation to make the changes you need.

Same here.
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I never kept my brothers in the loop, actually never thought to do it. Guess I thought if they wanted to know, could always call. If she was in the hospital, sure I called. Probably even followed up. But no weekly emails saying how my week went with Mom. Actually, I forgot to tell YB that I transferred Mom from the AL to LTC. He came here and asked "Well, where is Mom." TG he is laid back. I did feel bad about that, but on the other side of that, he never called or even a text.

Ignore that brother. He is just ignorant and has no idea. Hopefully, one day he will find out.

They one thing my brothers did do was thank me for caring for Mom. That really meant a lot. Also, they never criticized me or even made comments. So, all decisions were mine to make.
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Missymiss Jan 2023
Yes, I only communicate when necessary, such as when there was active covid on the MC floor and to let my siblings know the floor was quarantined and there was weekly testing, but there were no issues with mom. They didn't used to call or care about what my parents were doing for the past 20 years or so, so I'm not wasting my time sending them email updates now. It's difficult enough being the POA and caregiver. I'm doing what I can to keep my stress lowered.
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"Funny" how nothing is a big deal for the armchair critics who aren't doing a darn thing themselves, huh? The trouble is, like you said, you are stoic and have coped well.........so you make it LOOK easy. Leading others to believe it really IS 'no big deal' b/c they don't see what really goes into the day-to-day details of the ordeal it TRULY is!

It's like a work situation; the more competent we appear to be, the more work is thrown on our desk, right? So no good deed goes unpunished. If we act like hysterical drama queens, then we appear incompetent and everyone thinks, OMG, look how unhinged she is, she can't handle this! But if we act composed and together, everyone thinks, WOW, look what a cake walk her job is!

It's a lose-lose situation for caregivers everywhere, especially women (in my opinion).

If I were you, I would tell your brother exactly how much effort it truly IS for you to care for his mother by writing out a list of all you do on a daily basis. No joke. Literally, type out a list of all you do for her. ALL OF IT. It will be mind boggling, I guarantee you, and it will reconfirm just HOW tough of a job it truly is, not to mention how much it would pay if each job were to be broken down and paid individually!

Do it!

You don't need FUs to get your point across. The List will be much more effective.
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anytown Sep 2022
Agree completely with lack of FUs and keeping a cool tone. It's my experience, when dealing with an intractable person in a confrontation, that they will latch onto profanity and tone, and make their response entirely about that, giving them a shield against valid issues, which they can then ignore, and portray themselves as superior.

A cool, succinct recitation of facts and reality is far harder to rebut. Not that such will necessarily prevail with the intractable person, but it will win over any 3rd party to the exchange, and is good practice.
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As in many families, I have been the one who was always there to visit and check on my parents with nary a word from either of my siblings to my parents or to me. And I did not live in the same city as my parents (neither do the siblings). But I made the effort.

Mom has dementia, and I stepped in to make sure she was someplace safe and convenient for me. When my brother made a comment about "it would have been nice to be asked about what to do", I simply ignored it. When my sister texted demands about being added to the emergency contact list, for it to be OK for her to sign mom out, etc., I ignored it. As my mom's sister said, who cares what they want or think, they haven't been there and haven't been doing anything for years while I was always there during holidays, on my vacation time, whenever I could. Keep your distance and let it roll off your back.
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