How to prevent adult sibling with severe mental illness from heavily impacting critical POA responsibilities & transition to AL?
Limited in what i can write here -please understand. Aging & loving recently widowed parent with early dementia wants to help POA & atty make complex estate decisions with both +/- implications. She understands in the moment, but short term memory probs impact retention. Wants to be involved, and she gets frustrated when discussing.
Adult child with severe mental health probs ( & no support system), w/ minimal self-awareness, is imposing immeasurable challenges to mother & poa & atty. Atty says parent #1 priority. POA agrees. But, adult child, unable & unwilling to participate meaningfully, is throwing up unpredictable & seemingly insurmountable road blocks at every turn, impacting not only herself, but parent & POA too.
Prob: Cannot stop adult child frm exercising bad judgement. But what can be done to prevent her from majorly interfering, which will make it all worse for all, both short & long term. Previous Suggestions have included RO. Possible, but adds to already impossible tasks of poa (who has no support system). Another suggestion: elder care atty could write "back off" letter. Also ok, but this will trigger adult child significantly & possibly make things worse.
Hoping a reader will relate & have some guidance.
I know this is hard without more specific info. Pls do the best you can & i will try to answer best i can. 🤞🙏 Feel like im already losing. Beyond overwhelmed with no end in sight.
22 Answers
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It sounds like one sibling has been established as POA and there is a family attorney involved. Is the problem that the sibling with issues presses her agenda with Mom who is easily swayed in the moment making it harder to compleate the plans previously agreed to or is this sibling able to throw up legal roadblocks somehow? How many siblings are there and were the POA and estate set up prior to her husbands passing, the issue being making adjustments since? It’s hard to offer any ideas without knowing some of this for me.
Thank you for this suggestion
I have one sibling and she is awful. Mainly money driven and also literally crazy . Dad picked another relative to be executor just to take the heat off of me. This relative has no problems saying ‘no’ and also is hard to reach, which is great in this situation.
Basically if you can shovel off anything to professionals and/or not immediate nearby relatives, that might take the rest of you siblings out of the spotlight. Then do not engage with the mean sibling if at all possible. At all. Lots of people have big mental health issues and they aren’t horrible folks…it really boils own to personality imo.
It’s really about shutting doors of access to the problem person. And I’m really super duper careful about money. I have joint account with mom which pays ONLY for her immediate needs. The rest of her assets are locked up like Fort Knox that nobody except the hired pro can touch.
So sorry you’re going through this. It’s really stressful and adds to a difficult situation. Wishing you the best and freedom from this drama!
Have you discussed guardianship with atty?
Does your mom still use email? When my mom was earlier in dementia I asked for her permission for her email password . Genuine reason being not to snoop but to make sure there weren’t any e-bills to take care of or scams , in the event of her being incapacitated. She totally agreed. By ‘scams’’ this also included in my mind my money hungry sibling. Sure enough there have been a couple of billing issues that came via mom’s email, as well as a couple of fishing emails from my sibling. It’s been a good way to keep tabs on mom’s bills being up to date and not being scammed by ANYONE.
Also sounds like your troubled sibling doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on, if they live far away that’s also very good. You might want to let them know you know what no good they’re up to , just the once, and then go no contact. My sister knows I’m onto her and avoids me completely, which is fantastic. I will take absolutely zero crap behavior from her. Enough is enough. Meanwhile myself and a couple of professionals and another relative keep an eye on her from afar.
Excuse the long answers but I know how exhausting dealing with people like this can be! It’s so cruddy. Truly wishing you the best
I will assume that Dads estate is being Probated in this other state.
And other sibling lives in a whole different state from you and Probate? Are you Executor of the Estate? I look at it this way, the sibling has no say and Mom is not competent to make any decisions. So its all up to the Executor and the lawyer, period. If Mom is the Executor she shouldn't be and the lawyer can ask Probate to assign someone else.
If you have a lawyer involved, then he and the Executor go by what Dads Will says. You cannot change that. In the end an accting is done and thats when sibling can contest. I would have the lawyer send sibling a letter saying that the estate is now in his hands and that he and the Ex are following the directives of the Will. That an accting will be done and sent to them for their signature. They can contest at that time but they need to let the Ex and the lawyer probate the estate as the law says. That the longer it takes to probate the Will the more it will cost in lawyer fees, the less beneficiaries get.
No beneficiary has anything to do with Probating a Will. Its the Executor that does all the work and hires a lawyer if needed. The Lawyers fees come out of the estate. This sibling needs to know that their interference is costing the estate money.
I know of a legal case that didn't have to do with an estate. It was a matter in which a person with suspected dementia and other definite mental health issues sued a former friend over past business dealings. The friend's lawyer subpoenaed medical records of the possibly demented plaintiff. It was learned through the records that the plaintiff had definitely been diagnosed with dementia. I assume that there wasn't a case because demented plaintiff had confabulated some allegations against friend. Others could testify that demented plaintiff had been confabulating and showing irrational behavior for some time. Shortly before the trial, after friend's deposition, demented plaintiff dropped the case. I suspect that demented plaintiff's lawyer advised that.
So there is a way to counter demented, mentally ill persons like Ms. Marbles who make legal trouble. The problem is that it's expensive. Demented plaintiff caused legal fees in the tens of thousands for the former friend.
I absolutely agree that as POA, you may have to “take the bull by the horns”.
I stayed laser focused on my LO’s welfare, and that helped me keep a miserable situation from getting any worse.
Best wishes, hopes, and prayers to you. I totally understand what your situation is like.
As far as the estate goes, let the chips fall where they may and don’t get involved. Let the lawyer assess whether your mother has adequate capacity to make estate changes based on the laws of her state. No attorney would risk their legal license and ability to all future earnings to earn an hourly fee to draft documents for someone who no longer has sufficient capacity.
Take no legal action. There will be plenty of lawyers that will “help you” but they will just take your money - and at the same time, this will make you look greedy.
A minimal capacity loss will not impact her ability to make changes to estate planning. Your mother’s lawyer will be observing you (and the mentally ill and/or any other sibling) and notes of everything that is happening will make it into the “file.”
After my dad died, a few of my multiple siblings started counting their future inheritance. They also teamed up and collectively hired an attorney or three who gave them pricey and irrelevant advice. I heard one of my siblings, suffering from financially tough times, even went boat shopping. (They did not however, come visit, write or call mom). They did call her estate lawyer and say “quasi-threatening” things to the attorney. He made copious notes which later became court evidence.
When speaking of my siblings, Mom told her estate attorney, “Aren’t they supposed to wait until I die before they start picking at my bones?” How sad!
So what if the adult child doesn't have a support system. What does that have to do with your mother -- what currency does this severely mentally ill sibling have if you or a trusted sibling are the POA? Is this "adult child" currently caring for your mother? Is that your concern? If so, you can kiss any chance of credibility goodbye because why would someone who cares about the well-being of a beloved mother allow her to live with a sibling that she deems to be "severely mentally ill"? Any sane daughter with a POA would extricate her without delay. Is this final unfished business going for guardianship of your mother? Are you fearing her reaction? You can't play that both ways. You can't ask a "severely mentally ill" sibling to care for your mother, and simultaneously try to get guardianship of your mother. Possession is 9/10 of the law. If she's with this "adult child" and claims to be happy and content and her dementia is only mild with some memory issues your own lucidity and mental well-being (or motives) may be called into question.
Just operating on theory as that's all we have to work with but I'm sorry...it's just not adding up for me. I'd very much like to know where your mother is now, who is caring for her, how she is doing and if there have been any complaints from Mom.
I fail to see how the sibling figures in this at ALL. The sibling should not even be having this discussed with him or her. In fact as POA for your Mom you are beholden not to discuss her affairs with others without her permission. If Mom herself is including this sibling then you do have perhaps someone more impaired than it seems, who cannot make decisions on important estate matters on zoom with an attorney not in your area.
I suggest a good trust and estate attorney in your own area who will work with you and your Mom. I suggest not discussing ANY OF THIS with a mentally impaired sibling, or anyone else if your Mom wants to make important changes.
I am assuming that you are probating Dads Will? Parents lived in another State? Mom is now with you? Sibling lives in another state but is it the same State the Lawyer is in? Or a different state altogether from you and the lawyer?
Your Mom has a Dementia she cannot participate in the decisions that need to be made. Its costing you time and money. The same with ur sibling sticking their nose in. Every time the lawyer has to talk to ur sibling, it cost the estate money. If Mom is executor, she should not be. The lawyer can request a new assignment since the Executor is incompetent to make informed decisions. In your situation, I would allow the lawyer to be the Executor. That way neither you or Mom have anything to do with the Will. He can refer to you if he has questions as Moms POA.
How does this sibling harass you? Can u block them? The Lawyer can tell his secretary he does not want to talk to the sibling. Are you even beneficiaries? Usually the wife receives everything. Its not until her Will that their are beneficiaries.
The POA should know that they have all the rights to make legal determinations and decisions. If the POA doesn't know this, that person needs to contact an attorney specializing in elder care matters.
Gena / Touch Matters
A power of attorney document gives the agent the right to legally sign documents, make healthcare decisions, and take care of financial transactions on behalf of your parent. Under the law, they are required to act in the best interests of your parent. They are not allowed to do specific things, including:
If the judge finds that your sibling has been abusing your parent as the power of attorney, you can prosecute that sibling for things like fraud, embezzlement, exploitation, and theft. These are serious crimes that can lead to imprisonment and steep fines. State laws will dictate how much those fines will be, but these are serious consequences that have a far-reaching impact.
Because of these severe consequences, the courts do not take these accusations lightly. You will need ample evidence of fraud or abuse to start this type of case. Always work with a legal team that is well-versed in elder law and elder abuse scenarios. This will ensure you can build a solid case to protect your parent against these serious crimes.
Matilda
Maybe POA has a non-confronting style or people-pleasing streak? Maybe under some F.O.G & not yet able to stand up to sibling with the mental illness/lack of inisght?
I can certainly imagine my super sensitive sibling wanting to keep the peace & going along with some of my sibling's wishes (despite MCI + lack of insight).
I will need to put my Common Sense Hat firmly on & let that overrule.
Has the adult sibling with severe mental illness been diagnosed? What is the adult sibling’s role in relation to the mother’s care? How is the adult sibling exercising bad judgement and how could she interfere? Also, what is your role in this?
This is an anonymous message board. Why are worried about divulging further details?