How to navigate parents staying in their own home? They both made it clear that they want to stay in their home.

Hi LMRLMR sorry l dont have the answers but l do strongly advise that you dont move in to care for them or have them move in with you. It will most likely cost you your health and happiness as so often the carer is not valued by there parent/s when they give up so much to help them.

I've always had doubts that I could stay and age with my parents in their own homes. Seeing many caregivers getting burnouts I hope to let my parents be as independent as they can and moving in with them is my last resort. I sometimes see parents being very dependent when the children are around at home. Letting them keep their independence makes them more alert and resourceful, keeping their mental state healthy as they have do think and do things for themselves. Of course mobility and safety is an important consideration. Lately I started getting them some wireless LED lights to light up the floor path during the night. Little things we can do for them to help them be independent as long as possible

https://www.mycareprints.com/elderly-products-review/wireless-led-lights

A friend started she did not WANT these new grey hairs.

OK I said. What are your options? Dye them? "no" Learn to love em? "no way!" Pluck? "spose so.."

So when you have plucked bald patches from the sides & top of your head, I suppose if you don't like that look you can re-evaluate 😂

(She now dyes her hair).

I see aging, downsizing, needing help, needing help from strangers as a similar process.

My parents at first were very opposed to having hired help. They wanted to remain in their home. At first we started with caregivers for housework only.

My dad needed a sitter while he was in rehab and he loved this lady so much she transitioned to his home when he was discharged.

Dad passed and now almost 2 yrs later mom still has the same part time evening sitter.

We also have a part time morning sitter two days a week. Sister and I take a day or two each week as we can. For now it is perfect.

Many chores are done online like banking, med refills and grocery delivery. Other supplies come via Amazon.

Mom has a visiting physician and we have just started palliative care as another layer of support.

ASL paperwork is done should we need to move her.

My parents desired to age in their home. They were hoarders and had major health issues. I kept telling them it was time to move to assisted living but they wouldn't do it. I told them if they had major medical events the move would be out of their control i wanted to avoid that for them.

the inevitable happenws and they wer both in the hospital at the same rime.

the begged to move to assisted living at that point and have been fone. My Dad passed at the end of September but Mom is stable

Unfortunately this is the way they eventually get the wakeup call when they are stubborn

Lmrlmr, it's unclear from your updates if you've had any private conversations with dad about bringing in help or changing the situation in any way.

Unfortunately, if he doesn't initiate a change time/fate will intervene and an event will force a change at no one's convenience.

Is dad showing some cognitive changes himself?

Shifting from child to parent is difficult when you become the parent to your parents. Many of the decisions I have made for my mother's care have been thru the lens of viewing my mother as a child. She has dementia and while she can do nominal self-care, so does a 4-year-old. But can a 4-year-old make decisions of health care. Do you let a 4-year-old wander a neighborhood by themselves? Can the 4-year-old cook, lift a box of "things", clean a room, shovel snow, take care of a yard, do laundry, you see where I am going with this? It is heartbreaking that my mom is no longer my mom, but she is my mother, and I will make the tough decisions to keep her safe, clean, fed and looked after, just as she did for me as a child and I did for my children. The difficulty is this is end of life care, the 4-year-old will grow and learn, end of life care means they will never grow up. Denial of the inevitable is difficult for many people and this affects one's perspective of reality. I wish you well during this very personal challenge everyone here has experienced. In the end, you will make the best decisions for you and your parents.

So in conversation with my "I want to stay in my hoooome." mother. (insert sing songy voice.) She said...well you would want the same thing!

I said...no, I will have to be an adult, be watchful and proactive in assessing my abilities to stay in my home independently when I'm your age. I don't have children or close relatives so that means I'm completely on my own and will have to make an adult decision. If I can't drive etc etc....I won't be living in my own home but will have to move into a more appropriate situation.

Sometimes the truth hurts mother.

I had to move both of my folks out of Independent Living and into Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip and IL was no longer a feasible option. They loved AL life, both of them, and have had a good experience with it. Dad passed in 2015 and mom stayed in the same AL until her dementia combined with becoming wheelchair bound forced a move into the Memory Care bldg in summer of 2019. Safety is the number 1 concern for your parents, not 'aging in place' and all that idealism. AL is not the house of horrors some make it out to be, either. It's more like a hotel with caregivers on staff, in reality. Memory Care is another ballgame, really. But then again, so is advanced dementia. Nobody wins when dementia is in the house.

If you let things happen as they may, then the decisions get made FOR you by hospitals and rehabs. Elders who are either mentally or physically incompetent are not permitted to live alone or w/o full time caregivers helping them out at home.

Whatever you decide to do, no judgement here. Wishing you the best of luck with trying to do the right thing and getting judged for it, no matter WHAT

I carefully re-read AnnReid's comment. I find no reason to apologize and stand by every word of my response to it.
When a person feels guilty about something they did, there's a reason.
For me, I believe moving an elder out of their home into a care facility should be last not first. An AL facility is different than an independent senior community. It's one thing to downsize into a smaller place that's easier to get around and maintain. No one is deprived of their liberty in an independent senior community. They are free to live as they wish and come and go as they please. That is not true in an AL facility. I've known and worked for many elders who were coping well enough in their original homes or in independent senior housing with some help coming in who were placed in care facilities against their will. Or seniors who had to go into the hospital for something or who were supposed to be temporarily receiving therapy in a rehab that never went home again and for no other reasons than they were an inconvenience to their family or there was an overly zealous nurse or social worker involved who wanted that company bonus.
Of course many elders do have to go into facility care because their needs cannot be met at home anymore.
I think it's wrong for someone to persuade a family into placing a senior into facility care before even trying the homecare option or live-in caregivers. Sure sometimes it doesn't work out and a care facility is the only other option. Try it anyway though. Everyone's "independent days" are numbered.
I hope I never have a friend like AnnReid. A friend that will persuade my family to deprive me of my home and liberty by dumping my a$$ in a care facility as the first and only care plan.

Giving up all previous ways and routines of life that people have enjoyed for decades, is cruel. Nobody is willing to take that step. Old people will fight to the end to stay where they have always been. Nevertheless, reality will make it clear that there a point when old people need to move to AL facilities. Someone with a sharp mind has to make that decision and that person is not going to be the affected one. Emotional issues need to be put aside while assessing if elderly parents should continue to stay at home.

Everyone says they want to stay in their own home, but they say it without understanding what that really means. They say it without knowing what particular health issues they are going to have. They say it assuming that someone is going to give up their lives to take care of them. We would all like to be perfectly healthy, pain free and independent right up until the end and then magically go in our sleep. Unfortunately for 99% of us, that is not going to happen.

Your dad is going to have to speak up for himself. He will only be able to make that tough decision if he knows you and your sister back him and will support him in the decision. Take him to look at care options for her or at least look into home health care to take some of the burden off of him. Maybe they come in to bathe her or to watch her for the day so he can get away. If her care is still too much, definitely look at nearby facilities. He can visit her as often as he likes!

I have been reading the many answers with great interest. I am an 81 year old husband in good health taking care of my 82 year old wife. She wants to stay in our home. I would like to keep her at home, but as this thread says, “for as long as possible.” I have been struggling with determining the point when it is no longer possible. I have been gradually increasing the home care I employ, but I know the situation is taking a toll on me. I’ve looked at several assisted living places, but none of them seem prepared to provide the level of care she requires. She has mid dementia, but constantly thinks she has to go to the bathroom, often with no results. Of course every time it is critical that she go immediately. I don’t know how an AL would deal with this, except even the best ones are not going to be able to run to her bed (she cannot get out by herself) to take her to the bathroom every 15 minutes, 24-7. I’m guessing they would either put a catheter in her or let her lay in wet depends for lengthy periods of time. She would be unhappy, and I would not like it, either. So I am employing more and more in-home caregivers while trying to decide when it is no longer possible. Suggestions?

Give your mother a choice. Would she like to allow for help or would she rather move into nursing care or assisted living. I have a feeling she will give way to accepting some help. I hope you have found a good helper.

Seems like you are saying that your father needs help caring for your mother. Seems like it is time for a family meeting. Please try to get everybody there - in person would be preferable but via teleconference could work - to discuss what tasks are becoming difficult for your father to manage, what kinds of help they can afford, and how your and your sister can assist.

Many people love the idea of aging in place, but never really assess if they have the resources to make this a reality. If it is only a matter of your mom's care, then you have a couple of options: privately paid aide, home health care aide through an agency, and volunteers of qualified family/friends/members of faith community. Usually the paid staff will need to be paid from your parents resources unless they have long term care insurance (few folks do since it is very expensive). If your father becomes overwhelmed, you can also consider day programs that are usually Monday through Friday during business hours to care for your mom and give your dad a break. Please also consider services that help take tasks off of your father - housecleaning, lawn service, grocery shopping/delivery services...

My family is rather avoidant of any serious conversations, and the way my deceased father set up the trust containing the house and their funds, to care for my mother, is seriously imbalanced. One sister is very angry at the one brother and the youngest sister. Brother's wife has developed brain disease, so not able to visit much at all. Youngest sister visits, but often is on computer, stays up late and sleeps in, etc. I am the eldest - not allied with anyone. As it happens, angry sister and I live next door to each other, and mom in the family homestead.
Nobody will make a plan, or talk about next level of care, etc. So it will be a mess...I don't have much hope that all 4 of us will stay connected to each other very. much after my mother goes....I'm learning to just let go what I can't control, and wait until 'something happens.'
My point is that. you do the best you can, with what you know at the time. You and yours sister have put a lot of thought into the situation...so just see how it goes. The nature of elder care is that the person you are caring for will decline and die, no matter how hard you work or how great the plan or how many resources are in place. Keep in touch with your sister and support each other, without judging(as much as you can.).

LMRLMR: 'Living in place' is a lot of elders' desire. However, in many cases, it is simply not feasible. It wasn't for my late mother who declared "I'm so glad that I stayed in my own home." My response "I am not, mother. You chose to reside in your own home seven states from mine. You are a legally blind woman. Now your blood pressure has bottomed out at 60 over 40." The blood pressure issue caused me to leave my home, my life and my family and move in with my mother. That was VERY difficult since I was already an elder myself. Do not think that we didn't have a plan for mother. We tried everything to amend her elder living, but she left us (especially me, the daughter) a real dilemma. My mother was also a widow of 44 years.

"Stay in my home" they say.

"Yes. As long as possible" you reply. Every time. On repeat.

As.long.as.possible.

Once that has sunk in, start discussing what "as long as possible" actually looks like. (Discuss with Dad if Mom has sadly lost some reasoning skills). It's not possible to list every scenario, but the big ones are safety based;
1. Fear. Wandering, delusions.
2. Fire. Kitchen accidents, burnt pots.
3. Falls. Frequent, head strikes, can't get up.
4. Fraud. Getting ripped off.

All these need 24 round the clock care.

Other 2 big ones for caregivers are incontinence & shadowing.

They want to keep control of their journey. But Dad must actually drive now.
Support from the roadside.
Let Dad know he CAN decide to change course at any time. THAT is still keeping control.

As many many others in their heartbreaking tales below tell, staying in your house does not mean you are staying independent.

Dad had heart failure at home at 90, his wish was granted. Two years later I found mom, medium dementia at that point, totally out of it and very dehydrated in the floor of her home. Packed her up and took her to my house. When she recovered a bit she screamed for 1.5 hours at the top of her lungs that I was abusing her and someone please call the police and she wanted to live any where but my house. I put her in assisted living. Two months later she is making nice with me to try to get out. Nope not happening. Mom is a narcissist and thinks I should stop my life and care for her. Her parents lived their final years happily in my home because my mom wouldn't help. Mom made her bed.

I think that with many elders (myself included) the desire to stay in the home you enjoy partially translates into the hope that illness and disabilities will not happen, that life will continue in the accustomed way. Few really want to anticipate the cruel fact is that for many it does not work out that way.

Of course, it is too late now, but the ideal time to consider what other courses life may take is when everyone is healthy and happy. These discussions need to be rather painfully detailed, specifying exactly what changes in health or cognition would require what specific changes in housing and potential aids, along with considerations of how care will be paid for and what level of care may or may not be provided by family members.

Like most people, my sisters and I sort of did that, but not really. We didn't get into the details, so as Mom deteriorated her definitions of "when it was time" kept changing. So did her notion of being "independent" and "taking care of herself and her home." Basically her last few years were a terrible example of why this painful discussion really needs to take place years before there is any disability. While it is true that the elderly can learn and adapt and manage much better than one may think, there is a time when it is simply not enough. It certainly seems as though your parents have reached that point.

However, as far as "putting your foot down" goes, can you? Do you have a POA or other legal authority? If not, your only possible role is that of an advisor. It sounds as though your father is of sound mind and body. You cannot tell him what he must do and trying to do so will just provoke confrontations. In the case of my sisters and me, we had no authority. Each of us committed to only what we were willing and able to do. Then we went a bit past the original commitment a bit. We tried to work together as a team, even though we had very different perspectives on the situation. Our primary goal was to avoid making the kind of confrontational demands that Mom would have taken as an ultimatum. In the event of anything remotely resembling an ultimatum she would have thrown us out and told us off. Our good intentions would have backfired. There was no way we could have had her declared incompetent and we knew it, so we did the best we could as advisors, offering her simple solutions to her problems. There is absolutely no doubt that her life would have been better in a residential care facility in her final 2 or 3 years, even with the enforced solitude that COVID would have brought. During the shut-downs of 2020 she was probably more solitary trapped in her own home alone than she would have been if she had been in a care facility. At least in a care facility she might have had a nurse or an aide who might have been able to assist her with Facetime or Zoom sessions once in a while. At home she was unwilling even to try.

You may be able to speak with your father, offer him moral support, listen to his worries and stress and then offer some suggestions. Let him know that you do understand that he probably loves his wife as much as ever and wants to care for her as well as possible. Ease into the idea that the best care for her may be only available in the appropriate memory care or skilled nursing facility. All you can do is the best that you can do. Don't get too stressed out about your limitations, that will only make matters worse, make it harder to talk to him. Let him know that you love him and care about him, that you want to help, but don't know what to do. Give him the opportunity to ask for your help in making decisions concerning your Mom's health. I am sorry, but that is probably the best you can do. Discuss your plan with your sister and see if you can agree on an approach. Remember that the two of you will still be sisters in 10 years.

This just has happened to me. Parents both 90 ish stayed in the dangerous old home( think rickety steps to climb up and down in and out) until my mother fell fractured hip, had surgery and rehab..but needed more care than father could provide. I had to step in and insist they go to assisted living type place until mom is "completely better" it's permanently temporary....
The first two months have been very difficult a transition but now getting used to new place. Excellent place with 24/7 help, emergency call system, activities, wonderful meals etc...
My brother lives in town and I live 200 miles away.
We do not have any financial POA but they have allowed me to step in and it's been a surprise as they were adamant about staying in house until mom was severely injured. Dad now knows it is for her best interest to be there. But it took some serious talks about doing what was best for mom....
Even with dementia, he finally gets it. Seeing her physically struggle every day has cemented the need for them to stay in AL. Dad has begun to fall and lose balance so even more reason to keep them in a safe environment.
You will have to decide these things as it happens in your circumstances. But you sound living and concerned so your good heart and loving protectiveness will win out I'm sure.
God bless

I speak from personal experiences and what I have seen and gone through myself. It ALL DEPENDS ON THE CIRCUMSTANCES INVOLVED. First of all, YOU TAKE CHARGE WITH A POWER OF ATTORNEY, ETC. AND MAKE SURE ALL FACETS OF THEIR LIVES ARE IN PERFECT CURRENT ORDER. Second, you set in place and find a way to enforce boundaries which they have to adhere to. Your mother is and will NOT give up being in control and this may make it bad the rest of the way. While your father has some control fine, but that won't last and will get worse. If you have the RIGHT caretaker who can handle them and the problems in the house, fine. DO NOT EVEN THINK OF BRINGING THEM INTO YOUR HOMES - SURE DISASTER. No matter what comes, if her behavior and actions cause endless problems with no cooperation, then you must stand up and place her and be prepared to do the same with your father. It all depends if you can get good help and it works and they (she mainly) don't cause major destruction. I became disabled and could not walk but had zero family and not a soul who wanted to help other than an hour or two. I lost everything I ever had - my beloved animals, my home, finances, way or life - everything when I went into assisted living which I despise because of so much dementia but there was no other way. I am extremely high functioning at 88 and take care of myself l00% but I can't walk. If dementia sets in, a facility should relieve the burdens involved before remaining families are destroyed.

The decision is yours. You will be the determinate factor in their continuing care plan. If their living in their home is YOUR plan, get it all down in writing. If they can not commit to any type of legal arrangement now, they are not going to cooperate with your decisions in the future.

Staying in their own home is not exclusively their own decision. Sometimes their assessments are unrealistic. When that time comes you will have to take charge and make the decisions. I have had clients with adequate funds pay for round the clock in home care -but it is not the usual case. The usual advice is when they start to think as a spoiled child- You have to become the parent.

I have been there. Your instincts are spot on. Hire the help. Your Dad is probably secretly glad, your Mom fears her loss of control. Tell your parents it is "temporary" or a "trial". Explain it to the caretaker so she knows how to navigate her role. Once they get used to this help, they will embrace it.

If you take control you are in for a world of hurt. There is unlikely to be agreement and cooperation. You cannot take control for someone who is not demented; your father apparently is not. And when you have control everything can be a fight. If you enable things by doing things yourself for them they will not learn to/will not do things for themselves. I am assuming you have had the sit down talks with them; if not it is time to if there is any way you and your Sister can do that together with them. Tell them you don't live near enough to assist and are not moving. Ask them what their plans are. Or ask your Dad as it really is too late for your Mom. Ask your Dad how long he imagines he can do 24/7 caregiving. Check with them on their finances, what care they would afford if in assisted living. Would they want house sold so they could be there?
You recognize this is coming and burying your heads in the sand isn't going to help; it will come to crisis. At the least sit with your Sister and make a plan for her for when the crisis hits, when you meet with the call from hospital as I did with my brother, or when you visit and find chaos.
This is so difficult. You are on the cusp of what decisions you have coming. You say that they 'Want to stay in their home'. We ALL want that. That isn't the question. The question is, CAN THEY.
I think you need to be clear in your own heads what you and your sis can/are willing to do in disruption of your own life. Go over the "what if" screnarios together first. I wish you luck. You see the train coming. And you are right to be concerned.

My mother wasn't doing well on her own after her live in friend passed away. She was getting confused and her memory was failing. She didn't remember to take her meds, could no longer figure out her finances and would occasionally forget to pay a bill. She also doesn't like to cook so she was not eating well. Even when I brought food over the leftovers would end up in the trash. She was very lonely and completely dependent on myself fir company. She's in her nineties and has outlived all of her friends. In spite of all of she also didn't want any outside help! My sibling and I went and toured retirement homes and then we took her to the one we thought would be best. At first she was willing to move and then suddenly changed her mind. We told the director of the home to let us know if another room became available. It did, two months later. We moved mom in within a week before she had time to change her mind. Even though we had to force her to move she is happy there and says she doesn't miss her former home. Sometimes when they won't accept help that they really need you have to step in and do what's best for them. It's not an easy thing to do but if you wait for them to make the decision it might never happen, until an unfortunate accident happens. Do what's best for them and fon't feel guilty!

>we never talked about what it really means to ‘stay in your own home’ . It sounds dandy and doable until you’re in the depths of declining physical, emotional and brain health and them desperately trying to hold on to control and independence.

This is so true. I had these discussion with mom, we are assuming our parents will have the memory of the discussion, and the ability to think clearly.

When I get older and have that discussion with my love ones, I will need to work out a metric (doctor's rpt, skill test, etc.) for determining my move to AL. I will also video of this discussion. This should help my loves in dealing with me.

I did something similar to getting care for my mom. My mom loved quilting, the person I hired broke the ice by expressing an interest in quilting. This was worked out very well. Mom thinks this lady is neighbor. The social workers has noticed an improvement in things. The next issue is dealing with mom's financial mgt.

I have exactly ONE friend who elected to move herself to an ALF. ONE. She was living alone in a big house and having some walking issues, made it around OK with a cane and still drove and is perky and fun at the age of 85!!

Once she realized she was struggling to handle the 'dailies'--she and her daughter checked several places and luckily for her, she could afford a really nice all-inclusive place. She has pushed herself to make friends, attend activities and take advantage of the free bus rides to various activities outside the ALF.

WHAT an amazing example she's been!! She has not harangued her kids with demands nor made grand pronouncements about how she can live alone and nobody better try to stop her! She gracefully accepted aging and while I KNOW she would love to have stayed in her home to the end, she made the choice that is safer, better and more thoughtful for her LO's.

Her kids were helpful to her---but she was adamant that she be independent and so the move was made on her decision alone.

Because she HAS made this choice on her own, she is happy with it, people go to see her constantly and she is as happy as she has always been.

To me, this shows such a level of thoughtfulness towards her family and her neighbors--b/c we did worry about her!

People who swear that they will NEVER leave their homes often wind up in places they really don't want to be, due to falls, lack of good decision making, you name it. If they had chosen a better path years prior, they likely would have had a better QOL. I'm thinking of my MIL who is now 100% housebound. She will not leave her house for ANYTHING and hasn't since Thanskgiving. It's heartbreaking, but she is insistent. So we sit and wait for that middle of the night call that she's fallen...again.