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Both parent's have been under my care for roughly 7 yrs. Each yr it has gotten more an more responsibility an stress. I'm married and back then sons were 15 an 9. So alot of my time was taken caring for parent's. Both 84 now. Neither have driven for 7 yrs. I do pretty much everything at this point. My older sister moved away at 19. So she has never really had to really be caregiver. I've got caregiver burnout extreme. See psychiatrist. I cannot work a normal job last 7 yrs due to caregiving. And all the stress of two families to care for. Now parents running out of money and Dad is bad. Home Health is stopping diabetic shots for both in home (insulin) and its 3x a day for both. Mom can do her own but no way Dad can and Mom would have very hard time getting him up an we are having to go to dial Lantus an Novalog pens (more expensive) now since she couldnt draw up from vials. Dad has INR checks to that home health was doing. Now all that stops Sept 20th. Also we hired a caregiver M-F 9-1pm back in Nov. Thats 1,400$ a month. We are gonna have to let her go. Too much now. It gave me a break at least from laundry an cleaning.


I'm having my own health issues with back pain an hip pain an depression an anxiety an Fibromyalgia is worse. And ADD so it is a struggle now. I do everything. Load pills for both. Go get rx's take to appointments. Get groceries. Keep tract of med history an updated lists for ER or Dr's. Make sure they don't run out of meds. Now will have to help Mom with laundry and cleaning, trash, beds chg, chg Dad depends or help him. I cant give him bath anymore. He is 230lbs an Im 5'3 an 122lbs an my back probs. I have medical knowledge having worked in surgery as a surgical assistant and as materials manager for surgery ordering supplies for heart, neuro an ortho teams. And went to LVN school for 7 mths but quit cause I hated the paperwork an not focus on pt! So now I will be doing everything and Dad is non-compliant big time. We dont get along anymore. He views me as drill sergeant but I'm only following Dr orders for him an keeping him out of hospital or a nursing home crap hole.


I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting him. He and Mom argue about him drinking 70 oz of water with Congestive heart failure instead of Dr order of 34 oz per 24 hrs. Constantly ransacking kitchen in middle of night. Has severe sleep apnea but would never address it nor wear cpap. So now he has severe sleep deprivation. Gets mean, irritated, sleeps all time almost an only really " awake" at 1am- 5am. But shots are during day so sometimes he won't even get up for nurses rt now (nurses will stop coming Sept 20th due to Medicare not covering these shots)an gets the sugar taken an insulin shots in bed! He has gotten worse. He is at Palliative care level now. His Pulmonologist suggested it. Dad is miserable now. All these restrictions an arguing with us. We are miserable. Dr said just leave him alone an let him do what he wants but point out that these actions will lead to his death faster or some kind of care. He has fear of nursing homes. His Mother was in one fr 50 till her death fr R.A. an I hate them. So they are in a apartment rt now for handicapp. But now running out of money, I cant take care of them anymore an need to make money for my own family. We r goin broke. Still 16 yr old at home. No room for my parents at our little house. So they may have to move in with my sister. She isnt that close to them or know everything wrong with them or taken them ever to a dr appointment. Not really her fault. I've been designated daughter. I have ADD an its startin to freak me out. How does one start coordinating moving them. All they have is in apartment an a storage unit. Banking, new Drs ( moving to smaller town so not a big choice)transfer m.p.o.a.. call everybody(S.S.an medicare etc) about new address etc...endless! And my sister wants me to do it all and cordinate it all so she doesn't take off work during transition. I would be driving there alot. Who could help me coordinate?

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If your sister doesn't want to have to take off work while they move in, then who is going to do the diabetic shots for your father during the day, help your mother take care of him, take them to doctor appointments, etc.? You said the part-time caregiver had to be let go because of money issues.

It doesn't sound like your sister is going to be able to do the caregiving, so moving them to her house doesn't make sense.

If you live 1 hr and 20 mins away and have to get a job to take care of your family, then the caregiver can't be you.

What does your psychiatrist say? Does he just prescribe meds, and are you also seeing a therapist. This is exactly the type of help you should be getting to help you figure out what needs to be done.
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Do you have Medical transportation in your means? We have paratransit and other ones that are skilled in moving wheelchair and bedridden humans from one place to another but not positive about the distance? As for belongings... maybe they need to be scaled down to move, no need for a shed full of things they won’t use anymore, maybe retrieve anything that has sentimental value and thin it down and sell the contents. You’re wrecking yourself and you may be setting your sister up for the same. I’ve learned one very important thing, stop killing yourself. You’ve made sacrifices that few would make. Perhaps you should accept the advice and put them in a facility with SKILLED NURSING, you aren’t trained to identify new issues as they age. It takes an entire staff to handle this much care at nursing homes and as much as you love them, your family is suffering and passing it on to your sister probably isn’t the best plan. Knowing when they are in the hands of skilled people who can track their progress or regression in health, is the right decision in my opinion, the responsible one.
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Lynn105 Aug 2019
Neither are " bed ridden" Dad does get up on his own but only to his chair, bathroom, an to kitchen. Sometimes if he is in a good mood he will take his dirty dishes to sink. Mom is no where near NH stage an wouldnt be admitted an not logical to put her in a NH an cant afford a ALF for her. They around 30,000$ left plus sge gets 889$ in SS an he gets 1200$. If Dad goes into a NH all money will go to his monthly bill. Here its fr 4,000-7,000$ an up. The 7,000 an up are the better ones. They both have Medicare/ Humana an a secondary. I have ADD so I cant figure this out or what to do as far as " her money for her" an "money for his NH bill" then when runs out because of his NH bills, then I guess Medicaid is filed for him but what about her? We cant take her in. Litterally no room. I would if we had a bigger house. He needs Palliative care at this point Im told. But I love my parent's dearly an im closer to them as far as a relationship (my Momma is my best friend) but my sister has not helped me with HER parents hardly at all. An only 1 hr an 20 min away . Kids moved out back in 2014. So she comes 1 weekend a mnth not even 24 hrs to give me a mental break an physically. I just dont know what yo do. Visit an elder care atty? See a case manager? Im tired an would like for once to just be daughter again an visit as my sister has done last 7 yrs. Is that to much to ask for? They have room for at least Mom an Dad maybe to a NH in my sisters town. But She doesnt get how many sacrifices we have made an irs her time now. We are going broke an I need to get back to work an we have 2 sons at home still. We would miss them dearly an thats all Ive known is caregiving in last 7yrs so yes I will be sad, guilty, lonely but my family is more important an she lives just with husband. I guess there is some resentment on my part. But it makes me mad when sister doesnt call to check on them as often as My Mom would like. She calls for 10 min M-F. Thats it. She thinks her job is more important than us not being able to pay our bills! Huh?? They both work. I just don't know what to do an Mom is starting to get depressed an feels like a nuisance.
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Whew...yes, where to begin. How about taking a deep breath and know that there are solutions.

You stated your parents are running out of money. This is this starting point of all decisions moving forward.

1) You or your sister are NOT to take on the expense (let alone the actual care) of your parents. Your first obligation is to your immediate family (husband, children NOT your parents). What is the point of everyone else going broke and getting sick? So that everyone will need to have assistance? This is an unrealistic, selfish expectation from your dad. Again, DO NOT DO IT.

2) Without telling your parents, find a good, local facility for them. Find them a senior facility that has everything including memory care and hospice and that accepts Medicaid so they will never need to be upended again.

3) If your sis isn't on board with this plan, then SHE will become their caretaker and both of you will be forced to become their financiers. Whether or not sis is on board, inform parents and sis that as of XX date you will no longer be providing care or covering costs for parents. They will be angry, but there's no other options. It is no longer a matter of what they want but what is realistic, what is actually do-able. They cannot stay in their home, you/your family cannot take care of/pay for them. Don't argue this point with him anymore. Then you need to execute the rest of the plan.

3) Once parents are in a good place help them apply for Medicaid. They cannot be kicked out for being on Medicaid. They will get the same quality of care.

I'm hoping you have durable PoA for your parents. If not, this needs to happen asap. If they won't give it to you, post again for further advice.

My MIL is in LTC in a very nice facility on Medicaid. She gets great care. You will need to put aside your ingrained notions of terrible NHs and visit some good ones. They exist.

I thought about whether you could get in-home care but your parents don't have the money for good, private care. You could get them assessed by the county, which could provide some services but your parents may be beyond what they are able to provide. Plus your parents may reject this also. So why not be proactive? The sooner this is solved the better for everyone.

But I'm not kidding when I say there are no other options, except one: you get so sick (and BROKE!) you can't take care of them, then they get foisted onto your sister and she goes broke (and maybe SICK), THEN in a crisis you will be forced to do steps 1, 2 and 3 anyway but it will be so much harder. Moving your parents does not mean you don't love them. Just the opposite. You love them enough to get the best care for them even when they can't seem to see it's the only solution.

Getting them to actually move is another issue, but there are ways. Again, check back on this forum for help with that. Wishing you peace in your heart!
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Lynn105 Aug 2019
They have 30,000$. Mom not NH material at all. Dad is. I have M.P.O.A. an D.P.O.A. They have directive to physicans, DNR for apartment an in charts with Dr's. Its Dad who is prob. Mom doesnt want to puthim in a NH . Co-dependent relationship big time. Id feel guilty extreme. Does all their money just go to Dads NH bill? What about Moms bills? They both have Medicare AB/ secondaries an Humana. Both on insulin. Very expensive. Secondaries very expensive. Both equal 1,000$ a mnth but have came to rescue as both have had alot of testing an go to specialists. Never paid a dime in 7 yrs for anything other than medicine esp if donut hole. So if Mom here an Dad here in Nursing home, no where for her to live an afford all her bills. We litterly have no room. I would move her in with us if I could. She is easy to care for an loves her grandkids an my BF now. Sister has 2 bedrooms empty in new house. I have ADD so things dont always make sense an all the banking an Medicaid stuff is out of my league. An I want to be daughter again an visit like sister does last 7yrs. I have been fine caregiving till really last 2 yrs . Have been difficult. FIL passed this yr putting my husbands self employed job in jeopardy. I just dont know what to do. I guess put Dad in NH in sisters town an Mom live eith her until money runs out then help her or them file for Medicaid. Sister will become M.P.O.A. an D.P.O.A. Im thinking of going to a elder care atty or case manager. An APS worker told me there are no good NH here an Ive been in a few an all nice an pretty but kill people an one almost killed my Dad in 2017 (in for rehab. Had to call Ambulance. Wasnt giving Hydralazine for 4 days! for high b/p an started having all signs of MI). So NH's here suck. Higher priced are better of coarse so we will have to be careful where we put him.
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There are so many problems with the plan to move your parents to your sister that I don't even know where to begin!

I'll just say this:

"He has fear of nursing homes."

So you and your sister are going to kill yourselves taking care of him?

He needs to be in a facility, with all of his medical issues.
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Lynn105 Aug 2019
One issue is My Mom is not medically ready for a nursing home. She would not be admitted. She could live on her own actually. If Dad goes now to a nursing home were we are its 4,000-7,000$ a month. They have about 30,000$ left an if he is in a nursing home an she isnt here whee they have been since 1976, all money will go to his NH bill, then what about Mom? When money rins out? An where will she live while Dad in NH. She DOES not want to leave him. They have been married for 63 yrs. Both 84. Both have Medicare an a secondary an Humana. Mom only makes 889$ in SS. Dad makes more at 1200$. There are really no good NH here an Ive been in a bunch of them an heard that fr a APS worker an 2 nurses. The good ones are over 7,000$ a mnth. No way. Dad is at Palliative care stage. I just dont know what to do an Im always badguy an my sister gets off free of bad decisions or dirty parts.
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