So my 79 yo Mom has been in a beautiful memory care facility since she fell a year ago May. She is quite settled there, but it’s private pay only. I am forced to move her to a memory care that will accept Medicare payments once her money runs out. She is very much a person who needs things to be her idea and in control. I’m having anxiety about this upcoming move and not sure how I can suggest it and make it her “idea”. Any suggestions appreciated. If I come in as a blow hard I’ll get all kinds of stubborn behaviors and yelling. It’s always best if I am respectful of her choices, despite the fact that she cannot stay where she is. She is paranoid too which is difficult.
I know you said Medicare in your post but it's Medicaid that will take over when your moms money runs out.
So if in fact she does have to move, I would make sure that her room is set up pretty much like it was at her old facility and just try to make her as comfortable as possible as she most definitely have some issues with the change as all folks with dementia like routine and don't like change. So be prepared best you can.
You can tell her that you know she likes things nice so you've found a nice place for her to move to that you think she'll agree is a better fit for her.
Don't fret too much, mom will be just fine when she's all settled in and used to her new routine.
Dad was easy. No dementia, just a host of needs with ADLs after an accident. Mom was a different story, with fairly advanced Alzheimer’s and very set in her ways (complete with all of the stubbornness and combativeness at that difficult stage). We did not explain anything to her in advance, we simply moved her while she was out of the apartment for a short time.
We had my brother take my mother out to a long lunch and a drive afterward. During that two-hour diversion, I went in with a team of trusted movers and completely dismantled her apartment and recreated it precisely in the new apartment a few miles away, with all her furniture and decor. My brother was on standby to bring Mom to the new apartment as soon as we unpacked the last box and hung the last picture.
The movers knew the delicacy of the situation and truly worked a miracle to get it all done, even using photos to place everything just right, including her tchotchkes in her curio cabinets. It’s one of those things we can laugh a bit about now, because it was like a circus, with my brother calling me as they were literally coming up in the elevator, and we were still hiding all the evidence of empty boxes and tape down the hall!
We explained to Mom, with her limited capacity, that we found a much nicer apartment that was bigger and would give her more space. We pointed out some of the “wonderful“ things about the new apartment that she didn’t have before, like a nice view of the park and some flowering trees outside her windows. It was stressful, to say the least, but it worked (eventually), and she did come to love the new apartment.
I’m not sure if that would work in your situation, but I thought I would mention that option.