How to maintain marriage when husband is devoting his life to his mother?

I want to thank everyone of you for taking the time to give me your valuable advice. I'll keep working with him on this for the next few months. I like my MIL so I am trying to come to a way that I can also contribute to helping her. It feels rotten to ask him to live with me rather than her.

I don't know how things are in the country where your husbands mom is regarding Covid, as you say he would want to visit her daily if she went into a facility, but here in the US, most nursing facilities are still locked down, with either just window visits, or no visits at all, so realistically he wouldn't be able to spend time with her anyway.
I am sorry that you married a man that wants to put his mom before you. It's ok that he wants his mom to get great care, but that can be done by others, and not at the expense of your marriage. Sounds like he's already made his choice when he picked his mom over you, so that in itself should tell you a whole lot. Get yourself a good lawyer. Best wishes.

Oh my. Please buy and read the book, When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment
by Kenneth M. Adams Ph.D. and Alexander P. Morgan.

He sounds like a son whose mother made him an emotional partner as this book points out, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners by Kenneth M. Adams PhD

He's been groomed this way and is going to be tough to break. His being adamant about this sounds much like my wife and her mother before she got freedom via therapy and my not putting up with it. I had my own problems with my mother which never got resolved until she began her own decline and the memories came back.

Whether he goes or not, you need the support of a therapist and it would be nice if he'd join you.

I must run to a PT appointment, but I will be back and keep up with you. I will be praying for you. You are not alone. We have had people here who are married to men just like your husband.

As he hasn't grown up enough to realise his life partner becomes his number one priority when he got married, and still thinks his parent(s) are his main responsibility I personally would go home and be close to your own parents. You obviously come second and for me that is not acceptable when you are expected to make all the concessions, it isn't a partnership - leave him to his mother and make your own life where you are comfortable and can do what you feel you need to to be happy and available to your own parents.

He is thinking with his heart, not his head.

Sounds like a passionate immediate knee jerk response on his part. I must help Momma, I must go now! Maybe this is what you love about him, his family values, his sense of duty?

But being Superman flying to rescue his Mother will leave his Lois Lane to fend for herself.

If you love your Superman - set him free. Would it be possible to give him a little time to work out where he will fit in his Mother's health crises?

Could he;

1. Discuss & plan that you will both have the finances to meet your obligations (rent/mortgage, bills, car, insurances, food etc) while you are separated?

2. Put a time limit on his assessing the situation he finds once there with Mother.

3. Put a time limit to decide his plans: to either find a permanent care solution for his Mother (not him) & return to you OR decide he will stay indefinitely & set you free.

It may be that he turns up, is devestated by her loss of health, they cry & grieve together. He tries to do everything, fix everything, then realises he cannot actually fix the stroke. Only time can (IF it can). He may then see it is Mother that needs to change HER life. Needs to move in with local family, or into care. Then he can adjust. 'Trial of Care' it is called.

I believe marriage is not all black or white. You have hit a grey patch. A challenge that hopefully, with continued good communication, you can get through.

Couples should really talk these things out before they tie the knot. That should be added to the marriage vows in my opinion. I guess taking care of the in-laws is part of the better or worse but I made it clear to my hubs from day one that I would never move in with the in-laws under any circumstance. Granted once I met my in-laws I knew that I would rather live on the streets than live anywhere near them. My hubs goes back and forth from our place to theirs and I stay out of it.

My heart truly goes out to you. I know I will get lots of hate responses but it is very natural in Europe for the "children" to take care of the parent when needed. I don't think he feels like he is deserting you - he just feels like his mom needs him.
(I assume he is an only child). Most likely, he doesn't realize the magnitude of care she will most certainly need. In a very short while, he will learn that he can't possibly take care of her alone, and will most likely put her in a nursing home. With Covid-19 rampant, will he even get to visit her everyday like he thinks he can?
Stay where you are, you have a job and parents of your own that you tend to when you can. If your hubby insists on going, let him work it out on his own. Be supportive on your own terms. This is a situation with an outcome that is impossible to predict right now, but I think will work itself out in time. BTW, last year my ex-MIL had a massive stroke after Covid-19, was paralyzed on one side, couldn't talk, wasn't eating, and was put on hospice. She is now eating, talking, regained partial strength on the damaged side, and is off hospice-she is 95. So you see - you never know!
Have faith and don't listen to the haters, always go with your gut!

You once made the hard, but correct choice in placing your marriage above any perceived obligation to aging parents. Your husband is making it clear that he won’t do the same. I’m sorry for that. Very mixed up priorities on his part that will certainly challenge your relationship’s survival. Please don’t move to live with or near hubby’s mother, you’ll remain a distant second. If he can’t see your value, I hope you will

If this is recent there are too many variables to make a firm decision. There are people that do make long distance marriages work, perhaps instead of deciding on the marriage now you could give it a trial period.

I am so sorry. Your husband clearly has made his choice, and that choice is not you. Were I you I would recognize that it is time to leave a marriage that clearly has little to do with love and respect at this point. I would move back home. I would not move in with my parents, but would be available to share their love as they live independently while they can, and when they move on to care. I would make a life with good friends and joy and possibly with new love in the future. I wish you luck.

Your husband has out you in an awful position.

How will you eat? How will you pay bills? Is his mother going to pay him a salary? How will you save for YOUR future needs?

I’m sorry this is happening to you.