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I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to find here, but here's my story. Thank you for reading.
My grandfather recently passed away from a cancer that attacked his bones. He chose his girlfriend as his caregiver and died at home. I spent a lot of time with him over the last few months, and I'm glad I did. When he took a turn for the worse I decided to assist with his caregiving during those final days.
On the last day of his life he had urinated in his diaper and all over the pad and a folded sheet below him. When the nurse came that day we asked for help changing those things. Some of my relatives that were there say that the nurse was trying to tell his girlfriend that it wasn't necessary and would be very painful for him. I missed this somehow, and his girlfriend insisted they needed changed. I helped the nurse do this. He was screaming (the best his body could) in pain for the 3 minutes it took. I was so horrified I was shaking, so the nurse started calling my name telling me to calm down. He was in severe pain for 2 hours afterwards. He could barely speak, but he kept trying to tell us that he was in pain and that his hip hurts. He moaned and grimaced. It was terrible for him. I stayed by his side, telling him we would be able to give him more pain medicine soon and that we were trying to get the doctor to give us permission to increase his dose. He finally seemed to lose consciousness after that 2 hours.
Later that evening we finally got permission to increase his pain medication and he slipped away early the next morning. I was there with him for that, which was the main point of me being there, since his girlfriend slept upstairs at night and he would have been alone otherwise.
I know there are a lot of things that could have been done differently, but that can't be helped now. This is killing me and I don't know how to live with it. First, I just can't live with him having to experience that pain. He didn't deserve that. Second, I participated in causing that pain. I really don't know how to live with that. Third, my grandfather heard the nurse calling out *my* name while this was happening to him. That pain and my name went together for him through this last, horrific experience in life.
What do I do? How can I live like this?

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Did you do the best you could at the time?   That's what really counts.

Did you intentionally inflict pain?  No.  

Are you 100% positive that YOU caused that pain, and that it wasn't from the fact that he was close to death?  No, that's not possible to have that kind of knowledge.

Did you know that changing him would cause pain?  No.  

Would you have preferred that he passed in soiled clothing and bedding?  No.

Do you know that he called out your name because of the pain, as opposed to wanting to say goodbye to you, as he might have been anticipating his imminent death?   No.

Can you change anything now?  No.  

Believe me, I can understand how much this troubles you.   I still have regrets that I didn't understand what my sister needed when she died in 2003.   I wonder if I ever will reach a stage of acceptance that I did what I could.

Cancer in bones causes pain; my sister couldn't be touched during the last few weeks of her death b/c of that pain.    It's entirely possible that your grandfather was in pain because of the metastasis to his bones.

I think it's common for people, especially women, to revisit a loved one's last days, hours and minutes, wishing we could redo some aspect of those last moments.   But know that you did what you felt was right. 

I'm especially impressed that you chose to become involved toward the end.  Perhaps that's what he wanted to tell you, how much he valued your presence and support during his last moments.

There's so much emotion during these last moments that it's often not easy to think clearly.   

Be kind to yourself; you did what you thought was best at the time, and that's what matters in the short and long run.
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It's going to take a while for you to sort these feelings out and the memories, but know one thing-your precious Grandfather did not blame you for his pain. Believe it, you were a comfort and a blessing to him.
The hardest part of all is seeing them in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it.
Talking about this with understanding friends or people will help you along the way. Stay here for support. You are not alone.
Take care and go easy on yourself. Hugs.
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I think you need to stop reliving moments that to you seem astronomical but to your grandfather likely were one of many moments if he lived with bone cancer.

I know any time I've experienced any extreme discomfort I just wanted the pain to go and was not thinking or associating anything or anyone with that moment.

Just be glad his pain is over and focus on the good moments you had with him if you can.
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I think that almost everyone involved in end-of-life and death has regrets about things done or not done. ‘If only’. It’s a very difficult time, and all you can do is what seems to be best at the time. Don’t focus on what you think went wrong. It doesn’t help him or you. Remember the things you did right, and keep the good memories up front. That is now the best that you can do for him – remember him with love.
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All I can say is that I am so sorry that this was your last memory. You did not do this on purpose. You know that. Your grandfather knows this as well.
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Satooty,
I am literally living this right now (I have a post on the Discussion Board). My mom is more or less bedridden and in her final days/weeks. She too has cancer that has spread to her bones. She is at home with my brother and myself along with a caregiver. Yesterday, she needed to be changed, and it was VERY traumatic for her! She also suffers from late-stage Alzheimer's, so most everything is confusing to her, but somewhere inside she still knows that she'd rather just lay in her poop than have her two adult boys helping change her "diaper" and wiping her bottom. Any significant movement is also extremely painful for her.

My mom also took a couple of hours to calm down, and my brother was a wreck afterward. He's always had a special bond with my mother, so it was him holding her hands that finally got her to calm down, but it was eating him up inside that we caused so much discomfort. I'll tell you what I told my brother yesterday: There is nothing easy about end of life for a cancer patient in old age. All we can do is the best that we can and somehow accept that no matter what we do, this situation sucks! I told my brother that perhaps his purpose is to just be that comforting person and not to worry about the other stuff.

Perhaps your purpose with your grandfather, the "reason" you were there, was to be a comforting voice for him. People endure all kinds of pain and discomfort before finally letting go of this life, so maybe you gave him a tremendous gift just by comforting him so that he felt in enough peace to finally move on.

All the best and God bless!
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Please don't beat yourself up. I love the comments spoken and they all are right on. Remember your grandfather loves you and always will....HUGS and more......
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My poor dear young woman. None of those things were as important to him in his departure as your face. Your face was someone whom he knew and cherished.
You did everything you could, and he knew that.

plan to make a scrapbook of all the sweetest pictures you have of him. Looking at the good times will bring his presence closer to you.

You did NO WRONG.
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Thank you all so much for your kind words. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and different perspectives. I am going to keep reading and re-reading these as I try to accept how things went.
I just know that last terrible pain wasn't necessary and we accidentally inflicted it on him anyways. We suspect that we broke his hip.
I'm still glad that I was talking to him until he was finally unconscious so that he didn't feel abandoned, and I'm glad I could be with him in the moment he died so that he didn't have to die alone. It's just very difficult to live with the pain he went through at that crucial time, the very last day of his life.
Thank you again, everyone. It's amazing how similar some of your experiences are. I'm so sorry for all of the losses and suffering of you and your families, as well.
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Satooty, you'll probably think this is strange, but you helped me a great deal with the death of our beloved older cat, "Cat" this week. I wasn't sure what was wrong when he suddenly crashed, and probably waited about 24 hours too long to put him to sleep, causing him extra pain - neither of us knew just what to do. What I will remember is that he was not alone; my husband, whose cat he was (and who named him that), was with him at the vet, and the 10 really good years he had with us, having two girlfriends to cuddle with, 2-3 kittens to teach to be good kids, and lots of love from us and other people. For a sickly drop off, rescued from -20 degree weather in January, who we were able to cure of three bad physical issues (thank You, Lord!), he did very well (never once tried to go out, or even near the door in all those years). So I guess all of that trumps the last bad day of his life.... I should be able to stop obsessing over it now - thank you!
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What a beautiful gift you gave your grandfather at his time of need. All his pain from this earth is beyond him. He is in God's care now and he knows how you were there for him. We are mearly human. It could have been much worse for him had you not been there. You gave him the greatest of gifts. Your love, your comfort your tears of grief. You have done well. Please release yourself of any guilt and live in the memories of the days when he was with you without the cancer. He knows you did not abandon him and were there for him. Hugs
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As hard as this was for you---in the scope of your grandfather's long life, you gave him the best of yourself. Keep that close to your heart.

Likely the pain was simply unbearable and he reacted to it. It IS hard to get that image out of your mind--but it was just for a moment, in the grand scheme of his whole life.

Most importantly, you should have a clear conscience that you were there at the end of his life and were there for him, whether he was aware of your presence or not.

You did the right things..now let time heal your grief.
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