I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to find here, but here's my story. Thank you for reading.
My grandfather recently passed away from a cancer that attacked his bones. He chose his girlfriend as his caregiver and died at home. I spent a lot of time with him over the last few months, and I'm glad I did. When he took a turn for the worse I decided to assist with his caregiving during those final days.
On the last day of his life he had urinated in his diaper and all over the pad and a folded sheet below him. When the nurse came that day we asked for help changing those things. Some of my relatives that were there say that the nurse was trying to tell his girlfriend that it wasn't necessary and would be very painful for him. I missed this somehow, and his girlfriend insisted they needed changed. I helped the nurse do this. He was screaming (the best his body could) in pain for the 3 minutes it took. I was so horrified I was shaking, so the nurse started calling my name telling me to calm down. He was in severe pain for 2 hours afterwards. He could barely speak, but he kept trying to tell us that he was in pain and that his hip hurts. He moaned and grimaced. It was terrible for him. I stayed by his side, telling him we would be able to give him more pain medicine soon and that we were trying to get the doctor to give us permission to increase his dose. He finally seemed to lose consciousness after that 2 hours.
Later that evening we finally got permission to increase his pain medication and he slipped away early the next morning. I was there with him for that, which was the main point of me being there, since his girlfriend slept upstairs at night and he would have been alone otherwise.
I know there are a lot of things that could have been done differently, but that can't be helped now. This is killing me and I don't know how to live with it. First, I just can't live with him having to experience that pain. He didn't deserve that. Second, I participated in causing that pain. I really don't know how to live with that. Third, my grandfather heard the nurse calling out *my* name while this was happening to him. That pain and my name went together for him through this last, horrific experience in life.
What do I do? How can I live like this?
Did you intentionally inflict pain? No.
Are you 100% positive that YOU caused that pain, and that it wasn't from the fact that he was close to death? No, that's not possible to have that kind of knowledge.
Did you know that changing him would cause pain? No.
Would you have preferred that he passed in soiled clothing and bedding? No.
Do you know that he called out your name because of the pain, as opposed to wanting to say goodbye to you, as he might have been anticipating his imminent death? No.
Can you change anything now? No.
Believe me, I can understand how much this troubles you. I still have regrets that I didn't understand what my sister needed when she died in 2003. I wonder if I ever will reach a stage of acceptance that I did what I could.
Cancer in bones causes pain; my sister couldn't be touched during the last few weeks of her death b/c of that pain. It's entirely possible that your grandfather was in pain because of the metastasis to his bones.
I think it's common for people, especially women, to revisit a loved one's last days, hours and minutes, wishing we could redo some aspect of those last moments. But know that you did what you felt was right.
I'm especially impressed that you chose to become involved toward the end. Perhaps that's what he wanted to tell you, how much he valued your presence and support during his last moments.
There's so much emotion during these last moments that it's often not easy to think clearly.
Be kind to yourself; you did what you thought was best at the time, and that's what matters in the short and long run.
I am literally living this right now (I have a post on the Discussion Board). My mom is more or less bedridden and in her final days/weeks. She too has cancer that has spread to her bones. She is at home with my brother and myself along with a caregiver. Yesterday, she needed to be changed, and it was VERY traumatic for her! She also suffers from late-stage Alzheimer's, so most everything is confusing to her, but somewhere inside she still knows that she'd rather just lay in her poop than have her two adult boys helping change her "diaper" and wiping her bottom. Any significant movement is also extremely painful for her.
My mom also took a couple of hours to calm down, and my brother was a wreck afterward. He's always had a special bond with my mother, so it was him holding her hands that finally got her to calm down, but it was eating him up inside that we caused so much discomfort. I'll tell you what I told my brother yesterday: There is nothing easy about end of life for a cancer patient in old age. All we can do is the best that we can and somehow accept that no matter what we do, this situation sucks! I told my brother that perhaps his purpose is to just be that comforting person and not to worry about the other stuff.
Perhaps your purpose with your grandfather, the "reason" you were there, was to be a comforting voice for him. People endure all kinds of pain and discomfort before finally letting go of this life, so maybe you gave him a tremendous gift just by comforting him so that he felt in enough peace to finally move on.
All the best and God bless!
The hardest part of all is seeing them in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it.
Talking about this with understanding friends or people will help you along the way. Stay here for support. You are not alone.
Take care and go easy on yourself. Hugs.
You did everything you could, and he knew that.
plan to make a scrapbook of all the sweetest pictures you have of him. Looking at the good times will bring his presence closer to you.
You did NO WRONG.
I know any time I've experienced any extreme discomfort I just wanted the pain to go and was not thinking or associating anything or anyone with that moment.
Just be glad his pain is over and focus on the good moments you had with him if you can.
I just know that last terrible pain wasn't necessary and we accidentally inflicted it on him anyways. We suspect that we broke his hip.
I'm still glad that I was talking to him until he was finally unconscious so that he didn't feel abandoned, and I'm glad I could be with him in the moment he died so that he didn't have to die alone. It's just very difficult to live with the pain he went through at that crucial time, the very last day of his life.
Thank you again, everyone. It's amazing how similar some of your experiences are. I'm so sorry for all of the losses and suffering of you and your families, as well.
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