How to let go the past?

Hmm I face this one - my mum has always preferred my brothers to me especially one that died when I was just 4 years old (58 years ago). Nevertheless, despite her behaviour (as I perceive it), she DOES recognise that I am the ONLY one who cares for her and about her well being. She doesn't appreciate knowing that either let me tellyou and she can still be vile. however I have noticed a calming over the last few weeks...it is as though she is trying to make amends as she recognises that before too long she will meet her maker and be judged accordingly (Mum is a devout Christian in that sense). You won't know what happened in your Mum's past that caused her to be like that with you I suspect although in my case I do know : my mum never really fully grieved for her dead son and as I was still at home then (hadnt started school) I think she turned her grief into dislike for me living - I am adopted she lost her natural son.
It is a waste but it is her waste not yours. If you let it get to you - you will be the one who is left with all the guilt. Just take each day as it comes and forgive her for the past - you cannot change the past only the future sweetheart xxxx

My father was very difficult and at times mean my whole life, I looked through all that and realized he was a good person and loved us no matter how he acted at times. He went through a bad depression when I was a child,he sat and stared for hours. I would try to get his attention, but he wouldn't even look at me. I remember thinking it was my fault. But when I grew up I realized it wasn't. He had his own inner demons. He passed away last november. I miss him and will always love him.

I am sure there are a large number of us caregivers who feel the same way at one point or another. the thing is if you can look at her as a soul rather than the hurtful person she was it can help you grow from the experience. I am a recent caregiver and my mom drew me into the web of meanness the first week. I caught myself though and refused to walk down that road. I stayed apologetic and neutral even though I had no reason to apologize. (she kicked me out of the house at 14 and here I am at 49 helping her) Then somewhere in there when you are taking care of her find something to make you laugh. It will change the energy in the room. Sometimes I will just laugh to laugh knowing that my mom is the verge of nastiness and when someone in the room starts cracking up with laughter you can't help but laugh too. I hope it works for you, it will feel better than the resentment and anger.

You hit a nerve with me. I had 2 sibs. My younger brother died in Jan 2003 after fighting cancer for 8 years. After that, my older sister convinced my parents to live in rural PA, away from me, even tho I doted on them. She handed them a map and said good luck. Hardly ever visited. She and I never had a good relationship. She enjoyed practical jokes, picked arguments, etc. Three years ago this month, she told us she had Stage 4 cancer and two days before she died, she apologized to me and her kids for pushing us away. None of us knew what to do. None of us went to her at that moment to say "it's OK". My brother had been an addict who was clean for 15 years before he passed. The greatest gift he gave me was the Serenity Prayer "Accept the things you cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I love my sister's kids and grands like my own. Spread your own love around, and when you feel the grip of "Why did it have to be like that", try to "Accept the things you cannot change" and hug one of the kids. God bless you. I wish you peace. xoxox

My mil or just mom we all called her that mom well she had a falling out with pretty much all her kids except for hubby n my bro n law

Thank you for reminding me. My Dad died at 90 last December after 2 1/2 months of brain injury from a fall. I now live with my Mom and take care of her. Thanks for reminding me neither of us will probably live past 120.

When you do things for your Mother do them for YOU. When she is gone you will have the peace of knowing that you did all you could to ease her suffering. I had a horrible Father but I respected him and remained courteous up until the day he passed. I now have peace in knowing that at least I was civil and have no reason to feel guilty or remorseful at his passing. You cannot control others attitudes only your own.

Didnt mean to stop there ^ so when her youngist daughter falling out occured where her daughter wanted mom to loose her house took her bro my hubby to court for a ppo well she had the house go to foreclosure we won the ppo case she moved out we bought moms house at foreclosure so that mom could live out her days there tho it was years well what I'm getting to was that she hadn't seen her daughter in years and now she was in a nursing home and we always said we forgave her daughter but not forget but moms 91 st bday came along n I after my hubbys passing I felt bad that mom couldn't remember her son at all or his passing which may of been a blessing but I was feeling I needed to make a right with God and let her daughter see her well and tell her where she's at n let her come n visit n I told a nurse there this that I was thinking that n I told my bro n law this they thought I was crazy she made her bed but well somehow which I think is fishy she the daughter I swear the next day shows up at the nursing home and visits mom I was livid we even told nursing home not to let certain people to see mom well needless I got with moms daughter had a sit down mom did not know her at all half the time she didn't know me but we were working on visit times etc but then daughter took her other brother my bro n law to court to get guardianship from us to her man here I was feeling bad and she does this stuff again so bro n law stopped her from visiting all together and we won again in court so I tried to get right with God but she made it toughter than it needed to be she even went after the nursing home from barring here visits she lost there too daughter n law was just seeking money we believe but mom didn't have any

Thank you for the comments. I have a knot in my stomach because I have to visit mom and my brother in my home state, in the home I grew up in and I feel as an outsider. Always have. I realize you all are right. This is not my fault, I did not asked to be verbally abused by my dad or emotionally abused by mom. That was their decision. I think I can visit with the mind set of I did nothing to cause their hostility, that is just how they operate. Mom needs to make amends but that would be admitting wrong and she is not doing that, even now. The decision is their's to make. I can't change how they behaved or behave. They should be ashamed of themselves. But I am sure they are not and will attack me if I don't go along with everything they ask of me. We will see. Could be a real short visit!

Forgive her and make the end of her life the best you can, that's all you need to do. You are a very good person to be there for her now and she is appreciating it. Remember, better late than never!!!

Holding on to the hurt is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It is still giving them control over you. Sometimes just reminding myself of those 2 things is enough for me to get past it ... for the moment anyway.

I was molested by my father all the time I was growing up. Both drank heavily and my mother was physically and verbally abusive toward me, I'm sure partly because she suspected the abuse and blamed me. I was removed to a foster home when a teen, my father died when I was 17, and I tried initially to establish a relationship with my mother but gave up when she continued to be volatile. Forward 20 years and she's now dying of cancer. I was asked by my brother if I could pay towards taxi service (she doesn't drive) for her to go to her radiation sessions last year and I readily agreed. She phoned me after that to tell me she was sending me a check and wanted me to expect it so I wouldn't see it was from her and throw it in the trash. (Her way of making contact.) Anyway, I assured her she could keep the money, we chatted, and have seen each other a couple of times since, though not one-on-one. She's just been given the news she has about 6 months. I'm still uncomfortable around her although she stopped drinking a few years back and is on her best behavior. Every conversation she extols my father's virtues. I just listen and then change the subject. Even forgiveness doesn't warm me to her as a person, but I continue to stay in contact, point her to God, and am doing some cooking for her freezer as she gets weaker. My brother and younger sister primarily see to her, and since my husband is POA and caregiver to his own mother (which of course involves me heavily), I will offer help but will continue to be thankful they have things under control. It's amazing how her children are rallying around her considering what she's put everyone through all these years. Letting the past go at end of life is important, but there are still boundaries for sanity. It's a mercy that she's being nice right now. This, too, shall pass.

It's horribly sad that pending death is when many families come together but it's better than nothing. You'll probably never forget her mean behavior toward you but you can still forgive. Try to do this for yourself. Give her all the love that you can because you won't be able to change your mind later. This is for your sake rather than hers. You don't want to have regrets if you can help it.
Take care,
Carol

As a parent I've made mistakes. I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources that I had at any given moment in time.

Have you spoken to your mom about her behavior in the past? Tell her how it made you feel. She may know she didn't behave appropriately but she may not realize how it made you feel. It will help you if you haven't do so.
You only have one mother, no matter what has happened in the past and she won't be around for long. I know from personal experience letting go isn't easy. If she is on Hospice, you can speak with their social worker who may be able to speak to you about this issue. I think you may want to explore why your mom was this way, was it from stress, were times difficult money wise, was someone ill, was she a single parent? Maybe she had dreams that were unfilled, or wasn't ready to have children but it happened anyway. I'm assuming she raised you and siblings, so she must have loved you in her own way. Parents are just people, we make mistakes, do things we regret, snap at our children when we are stressed etc. You do the best you can do to forgive, not forget because you will never forget, but with forgiveness you will be better able to deal with your mom. When we face our own mortality, I think it makes us think about our past actions and lost dreams. Knowing you don't have a lot of time left, I would think you would want to make amends or at least apologize for past hurtful behaviors. I'm hoping you will be able to work through this before she passes. I'm sorry she was the way she was, I'm not excusing it. As people we can only do what we can do with the skills we have at that point in time. Not everyone knows what to do or how to react, because we're human we make mistakes. Good Luck.

Excellent response, Terryiack1 !

I'm sorry any of you have to go thru the hurtfulness a love one can give u...my mom in a anger state and shes 87 had a stroke last april...has thrown in my face over and over again every bad thing I did since I could crawl...anything my dad did in there 68 yrs together. ..I've asked her many times to please let the pass go...I'm sorry I was a handful and can't change it now but I'm different today so could we go forward....she reguses and says no cause I remember it and I won't let it go cause it happened. ..omg...I try now to just walk away or ignor it but its not easy...hope everyone can get help with it and love them any ways...mom drves me crazy with her ways but I live her and still want the best for ger...

I didn't read all of the posts but my initial thought is that it takes more energy to be mad then happy. Don't consume yourself with the hurt in the past. Look at it as a blessing that she is finally acting in a living manner then a hateful one which is making this journey easier for you believe it or not. My last thought was, how would you want to be treated if this was you in her place. Hopefully, you will finally have those good memories that you deserve. Pray for peace and comfort for you and your family😊

Sorry for the typos! Loving manner not living. I really need an iPad! Good day to all.

Sandy 55 I just read your post, i too was a handful and the youngest of 4. My parents always said if you were my first, you would have been my last. My mom said to me one day (20 yrs later before dementia) out of the blue, I am so sorry I ever said that to you. I said it out of frustration and truly regret everytime i said it. I sat there and cried. The funny thing is that it never really bothered me. Guess I have thick skin.

I'm sorry to hear that your mom has a terminal illness. Your feelings are completely understandable. It must be so difficult to see this new side of your mom, and even harder to know how to relate to it. It's true, unfortunately some people wait until they are near death to try to make amends and make up for years of hurtful behavior. Even more difficult when it's a parent. Your feelings are yours, and they are valid. Your mother treated you badly and she knows it, that's why she's surprised by the kindness you and your family are showing. Vindictive, mean spirited people are miserable. It doesn't matter why or how they became that way. They often take it out on the people closest to them, like a spouse or child. Do you think it would help give you some peace of mind if you were to have a conversation with your mother about her behavior? I wish you luck and peace. Sue

I agree with the other comments, do your best to get over it for now and bite your tongue when necessary, help her out as much as possible. You will always be glad you did later, and have no regrets.

You can't fight negative thoughts. You have to replace them. When you find yourself thinking negatively, take a deep breath and inhale a positive thought. It could be the memory of smelling a beautiful flower, the sounds of birds singing--anything. Wear something and/or have pictures around you to remind you of your personal refuge in the world of thought. Maybe there's a special song you could sing or hum too.

Palmtrees1, I think the following will help you:
"Elusive Forgiveness" (anotherperfectdaughter.wordpress/2015/03/23/elusive-forgiveness/)
"Why Hurt People Hurt People" (anotherperfectdaughter.wordpress/2015/02/23/hurt-people/)

Thanks Judy.

Remember that bad times are often "gifts". They are a reminder that we need to refocus and take another path. This is your time to make things right irregardless of what has happened in the past. This will bring you much peace. No one is perfect.

You are lucky. Don't question her new nice personality. Enjoy it. Tell her that you love her. Bring her flowers. My mother was "dying" for 13 years of cancer before she finally died. She never changed her personality. She never became nice to me. As uncomfortable as our relationship was, what I wouldn't give to have her back, and to tell her that I love her. Now, it's too late.

Do the very best you can and then LET IT GO! You will find peace. Some parents don't know how to be appreciative or to even express a thank you.

I'm sorry. I wanted to make these referrals one-touch links. I hope this works better. I truly believe hurting hearts of past pain will benefit from these posts.
anotherperfectdaughter.wordpress/2015/03/23/elusive-forgiveness/
anotherperfectdaughter.wordpress/2015/02/23/hurt-people/

I lost my dad eight years ago he was a heavy drinker when I was growing upas he got older he had strokes and I became his caregiverhe depended on me so much and I was there for him each and every day and I'm so glad dad I was with him when he took his last breath I love my dad so much and I miss him every day

Yes, I understand.