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Mom Has six months to live. Pancreatic cancer. Now she is nice. If only she had been like this years ago. Why does it take impending death to make us realize we are going to die and we should love each other every day of our lives?

She seems surprised we are all rallying around her. Of course, we are nice people. But she is not. Has been hurtful in the past. Wasted many years being spiteful and vindictive. What a waste.

I am having a really difficult time dealing with the change and knowing she should have been this ways for years. Especially toward me.

How many of us think we are living forever? How many know to love everyday?

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It's horribly sad that pending death is when many families come together but it's better than nothing. You'll probably never forget her mean behavior toward you but you can still forgive. Try to do this for yourself. Give her all the love that you can because you won't be able to change your mind later. This is for your sake rather than hers. You don't want to have regrets if you can help it.
Take care,
Carol
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Hmm I face this one - my mum has always preferred my brothers to me especially one that died when I was just 4 years old (58 years ago). Nevertheless, despite her behaviour (as I perceive it), she DOES recognise that I am the ONLY one who cares for her and about her well being. She doesn't appreciate knowing that either let me tellyou and she can still be vile. however I have noticed a calming over the last few weeks...it is as though she is trying to make amends as she recognises that before too long she will meet her maker and be judged accordingly (Mum is a devout Christian in that sense). You won't know what happened in your Mum's past that caused her to be like that with you I suspect although in my case I do know : my mum never really fully grieved for her dead son and as I was still at home then (hadnt started school) I think she turned her grief into dislike for me living - I am adopted she lost her natural son.
It is a waste but it is her waste not yours. If you let it get to you - you will be the one who is left with all the guilt. Just take each day as it comes and forgive her for the past - you cannot change the past only the future sweetheart xxxx
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When you do things for your Mother do them for YOU. When she is gone you will have the peace of knowing that you did all you could to ease her suffering. I had a horrible Father but I respected him and remained courteous up until the day he passed. I now have peace in knowing that at least I was civil and have no reason to feel guilty or remorseful at his passing. You cannot control others attitudes only your own.
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I am sure there are a large number of us caregivers who feel the same way at one point or another. the thing is if you can look at her as a soul rather than the hurtful person she was it can help you grow from the experience. I am a recent caregiver and my mom drew me into the web of meanness the first week. I caught myself though and refused to walk down that road. I stayed apologetic and neutral even though I had no reason to apologize. (she kicked me out of the house at 14 and here I am at 49 helping her) Then somewhere in there when you are taking care of her find something to make you laugh. It will change the energy in the room. Sometimes I will just laugh to laugh knowing that my mom is the verge of nastiness and when someone in the room starts cracking up with laughter you can't help but laugh too. I hope it works for you, it will feel better than the resentment and anger.
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You hit a nerve with me. I had 2 sibs. My younger brother died in Jan 2003 after fighting cancer for 8 years. After that, my older sister convinced my parents to live in rural PA, away from me, even tho I doted on them. She handed them a map and said good luck. Hardly ever visited. She and I never had a good relationship. She enjoyed practical jokes, picked arguments, etc. Three years ago this month, she told us she had Stage 4 cancer and two days before she died, she apologized to me and her kids for pushing us away. None of us knew what to do. None of us went to her at that moment to say "it's OK". My brother had been an addict who was clean for 15 years before he passed. The greatest gift he gave me was the Serenity Prayer "Accept the things you cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I love my sister's kids and grands like my own. Spread your own love around, and when you feel the grip of "Why did it have to be like that", try to "Accept the things you cannot change" and hug one of the kids. God bless you. I wish you peace. xoxox
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Forgive her and make the end of her life the best you can, that's all you need to do. You are a very good person to be there for her now and she is appreciating it. Remember, better late than never!!!
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My father was very difficult and at times mean my whole life, I looked through all that and realized he was a good person and loved us no matter how he acted at times. He went through a bad depression when I was a child,he sat and stared for hours. I would try to get his attention, but he wouldn't even look at me. I remember thinking it was my fault. But when I grew up I realized it wasn't. He had his own inner demons. He passed away last november. I miss him and will always love him.
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Holding on to the hurt is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. It is still giving them control over you. Sometimes just reminding myself of those 2 things is enough for me to get past it ... for the moment anyway.
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Thank you for reminding me. My Dad died at 90 last December after 2 1/2 months of brain injury from a fall. I now live with my Mom and take care of her. Thanks for reminding me neither of us will probably live past 120.
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You are lucky. Don't question her new nice personality. Enjoy it. Tell her that you love her. Bring her flowers. My mother was "dying" for 13 years of cancer before she finally died. She never changed her personality. She never became nice to me. As uncomfortable as our relationship was, what I wouldn't give to have her back, and to tell her that I love her. Now, it's too late.
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