I have a huge mess of a problem that began when my parents broke an oral contract they made with me to pay me to take care of them at home. I sold my belongings and left my jobs behind so I could move in to be their full time caretaker, but they did not honor their side of the oral contract. Now my mother’s dementia has progressed and she has violent outbursts, which today culminated in her yelling that she wanted me to leave. Frankly, I’m scared. If this trend continues, she will have me kicked out of my now-home with nowhere to go and no immediate income to take care of myself—all while making outrageous and baseless claims that I am mistreating her (a claim my mother has started loudly making on occasion whenever she doesn’t like a situation, unaware of the gravity or repercussions that may have for all of us). I feel like I need to protect myself before this all hits the fan. Anyone know what I can do?
SECOND-have a heart to heart with your Dad and find out what he hoped you could help them with. Caregiving is a new role for all of you and new roles must be discussed, negotiated, put down in writing, and scheduled as tasks to be done, and revisited weekly. Also, you and Dad will find a lot of caregiver tools and support from your local Alzheimer's Assn.
THIRD--get a life. Family members often do not make the best caregivers because of the dual relationship of caretaker and parent-child relationships, infused with role reversals and power issues. And, expecting to be there 24/7 is unrealistic If you live in California, like I do, housing has become unaffordable without a $50,000 salary. So, I understand options are limited. So consider: going back to work full-time, give your parents money for rent, so they, or you, can hire a caregiver; enlist help of other family. Move out and spend weekends as respite for their paid caregiver. But above all, focus on reclaiming your life.
LASTLY, legalities--seek out an elder law attorney with your siblings and father to set up a living trust or POA, and subsidizing in-home care, including a reverse mortgage if they have enough equity in the home, if they need.
Here, I will explain in detail.
If you spent full time caring for your parents while holding a full time job, then that was too much for you. You and your parents agreed and resolved to pay you to take care of them at home.
You probably do not know much about dementia and thought your parents were as you have always known them… but just declining a bit.
You have made your parents comfortable, so mother insist – “You Leave Now”. When you leave they are back to where they were before– in need of your help and remember nothing about telling you to leave, probably remember nothing about a contract. Probably will say, “ I don’t know what you are talking about.”
If your parents are unable to care for themselves or their home and the state is called for a welfare check, enters to a place that smells of waste, looks wasted, then as their child you can be held by the state for “Elder Abandonment”.
Talk with an Elder Attorney. Talk with their doctor. They probably will not go to the doctor and become irate because to them - there is nothing wrong with them.
You need legal rights to their estate and to their person. You must be able to financially take care of yourself and take care of them.
Your parents will not pay you. They don’t remember an agreement.
People with dementia trying to conduct business only create confusion, chaos, total disaster.
Which is what you are experiencing.