How to introduce in home caretaker to resistant Dad?

Contact your local area on aging, they can give you resources for your area.

You are so right, she needs to take care of herself or she won't be a caregiver to anyone.

You can fib and tell him it's a friend that needs a place to crash for a while.

We had a poster on here years ago who had parents who were resistant to "strangers".

She got a home health aide and introduced her as "the laundress". It was an old fashioned concept that her parents were able to wrap their heads around.

Then she got some additional hours and introduced that person as "the maid". And another as "the cook".

Yes, I was only able to get my Dad to accept a caregiver by introducing her first as just someone to drive him to the doctor and occasional grocery store. Then, a week later...she came by “just to say hi”...and hung out with him for an hour....then it was every day..

little at a time. Within a month she was full time with him. He really grew to like her quite a bit and always looked forward to her arrival. She made his final year of life one of the best years he could remember.

slow and easy. Back off and give him time to get used to her.

let me add...my Dad was a real SOB....very tough for anyone to be around. When I first started to find a caregiver for him, he fired 3 caregivers in a row and got one to leave mad...never did learn what he did to her to upset her so much. Another one quit after he had explosive diarrhea in her car (she was warned). Just take it slow.

My father is diagnosed with the same illness; so it’s nice to connect with someone with that in common. We ‘lucked out’. I use that term lightly given the situation, but my dad had one of his falls. He usually refuses to have ambulance take him to hospital, but on one occurrence he did, and they kept him for 11 days to build up his strength. They set him up with Homecare & the message to him was that he could no longer live independently if he did not have the help. When he wants to send them away,we tell him that if he stops it, next time he will not be able to come home as he declined the help this time. So he puts up with it, and has a couple of ladies that he has now somewhat bonded with. It’s a different person most times, but provided by government (we are in Canada). Now he admits they are good for the company & isolation at home. Still says their a nuisance, but is putting up with it. I also tell him that without their help, my emotional state is at risk - which he blames on me being weak and me causing this issue, but he feels better saying he has them cuz I need them. My dad is very condescending, very negative, and hard on my brothers & I well-being no matter how much we try to appease or practice techniques to redirect him. Hope this helps.

I would tell my mom that caregiver was from Wisconsin (mom also wanted to return home to Milwaukee often). This gave mom an immediate feel of some sort of common bond. Went through that exercise often.

He may get angry no matter who you say the person is (although great 'introduction' ideas here). Your step-sister needs to learn that she deserves to heal herself, love herself -- 're-wire' her thinking to (1) put herself first, especially with her own critical health needs; and (2) deal with her reaction to your dad's anger or outbursts. She needs to [re]learn how to interact with your dad - letting him rant as he 'wishes,' realizing it is his FEAR that he is expressing like a lion; somewhere in there is a tame lamb who never learned to love himself and he got his way by intimidating others (perhaps this is his life long MO). Once your step-sister realizes she has the human right and self-responsibility to care for herself, it will be a gift to both of them. She needs to realize that Dad is behaving the only way he knows how. She is the one who will need to change.

Introduce the caretaker as a care helper for your SISTER. In a sense that is the truth. And honestly it may be time for a family meet with a licensed social worker who is well versed in end of life care to discuss moving Dad now to assisted living if that is financially possible. This could figure in helping your stepsister recover. The social worker will help guide in hiring caregiver also. As with everything else in America, financial will be a big hurdle, to decide what can be afforded. Good luck.

I heard of someone going to a local nursing or nurse's aid school & hiring several students who need the money - they can nap & get up with dad instead of your sister - this will support students who are help-inclined & are studying to do this as a job - I'd limit it to 2 nights a week for each & when they leave give a reference for those that deserve it for their resume

As to dad - lie a bit & say her dr has ordered it for BOTH HER & dad as she recovers because he won't know any difference because he doesn't go to her appointments - first night have her 'use the service' so that dad hears [maybe at same time as him] in order to pad out the lie - thereafter IF he asks just say he was asleep when she used the help - this means that the help isn't just for him at least as far as he is concerned .... the term is 'theraputic lie' & if any circumstance calls for it this is one

She is lucky that you are so concerned - if you live close enough bring dinner over once a week to give some extra help for her

Why is your Dad, with Dementia, in charge of this situation?

My Father, who has Parkinson’s, did not have Dementia at the time. He needed someone to give a shower. He had stopped taking them altogether. I gave him two options: me or a male friend. He took the male friend, end of story.

Same thing with an aide. When he threw a fit, he was told it was the aide or a Nursing Home, since he couldn’t take care of himself any longer. Now he’s fine with it all.

Your stepsister deserves to have all of her strength to fit her battle, she can’t do that if she’s up and down all night. Hire a night aide and let him get over it or let him start applying for assistance for a nursing home. She’s being held hostage, and she has too much at stake.

I just started an in home aid 1 day a week for my mom who is also resistant and doesn’t feel she needs help. I mainly did it so I could get a few hours respite each week. First day was ok. Introduced her as a nurse who helps out in the neighborhood who would visit from time to time.
i started with the agingcare.com site that sent me Contact info for 4 agencies in my area to research. The aid that came for my mom also does an 11 pm -7 night shift for another patient. Good luck. The first step is the hardest. But I am already feeling a little better just getting started with the process.

If you truly care about your step sister, you will immediately get a Power of Attorney so you can make decisions about and for him. Talking to your sister or your father is only going to frighten her and infuriate him. Somehow this situation should not be taking place and I think the only thing is to face the fact that to protect your sister and all of you from his dementia and related problems, you will have to place him somewhere. Neither one will listen to reason. He will get worse and more demanding. Your step sister will be destroyed soon to the point of no return. And maybe it will end on you. You must solve this one way - get him out of the equation - now.

There are medical professional night nurses who will do a 12-hour shift for you - perhaps less if you deem that dad doesn't need 12 hours.

In order to allow mom to stay in her condo, we started slow. 1 hour 3x a week, to get her used to them. She did NOT need help at that point, it was mainly a sanity check (she was at least 1.5 hr away for us) and to ensure she took her meds from a timed/locked dispenser. This was upped to 5x a week, but after a few more weeks she refused to let them in.

Your (stepsister's) situation is a little different in that dad lives in the home with her. She could, as others suggested, come up with plausible reasons why this person is here - little white lies! Doctor's order, distant family relative(s) helping out, friend needing a place to stay, assistance for sister not dad - any number of "excuses" can be used.

I liked some of the responses, calling the person/people laundresses, maids, etc! If he buys those, go for it!