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Please forgive me, I did not realize that this was a forum for caregivers. I myself am not a caregiver but am looking for help regarding an elder who is being denied the medication and services he needs BY his primary caregiver. I'm hoping that someone in this community will have some insight into this situation and might be able to point me in the direction of some real resources that will help.


The elder in question is my girlfriend's father, also my landlord who lives in the house of which my apartment is attached (our living rooms share a common wall). What prompted me to sign up here tonight was an incident that occurred a few hours ago that resulted in me calling the police to check on them. I could hear his wife (my girlfriend's step-mom) yelling at him, threatening to kill him and ultimately, hitting him repeatedly saying things like, "Now I've got you where I want you! You think you're stronger than me?" (slap) My girlfriend has also photographed "mysterious" bruises that no one has explanations for.


At the heart of it, the wife has refused to accept the Alz diagnosis, continuing her search for, "the real problem." In the meantime, his health deteriorates and she responds to the symptoms of his condition with verbal and physical abuse, insisting that he knows what he's doing.


She has demonstrated in the presence of physicians that she doesn't know what medications he takes (and she's the one charged with administering them). The pharmacy once called my girlfriend because the wife had failed to pick up his diabetic insulin for over 3 months! He recently spent time in a local hospital for evaluation which determined that his condition required 24/7 care, either in the home by a nursing professional or in a nursing home. He has gotten NO CARE whatsoever. When the wife discharged him from the hospital without a plan in place for this care, the hospital reported it to Adult Protective Services as a discharge AMA and gave them the details. APS did absolutely NOTHING, as they did when my girlfriend first reported to them about a year earlier, how the wife mistreats him.


I have several times now, heard AND RECORDED through the wall, she's yelling at him, threatening him and now physically abusing him. She has reported the failure to administer meds to his primary care physician. No matter what we do, no one is willing to help. Everyone says, "Report it to APS" which does absolutely nothing except close the case without explanation. The man is clearly suffering and there seems to be no help anywhere! My girlfriend is pursuing getting custody but as of right now, the wife has power of attorney and health care proxy and has all the power over him and his care. Please someone, tell me there is hope, that there's SOMEONE we can go to for help with this! Please!


Thank you for at least taking the time to read this.

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BarbBrooklyn - yes, she is aware. She's willing to do whatever it takes to get him the care that he needs.

Countrymouse - That's exactly what prompted me to call the police last night,that I not only HEARD it but, RECORDED it as well. I plan to followup by stopping by the police station to let them hear the actual recording.

gladimhere - WAY ahead of you my friend. All I did was boost the volume on a COPY of the recording to make it easier to hear details. The original is still on my phone exactly as recorded with timestamp.
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State is Massachusetts. "Letter with receipt?" What exactly do you mean, like certified mail? So far, I believe it's all been in person. We both certainly know the importance of documenting things in writing but, how will a letter of concern to the primary "force" some kind of action?

I've cleaned up the recording from last night .. amplified to make it easier to hear. Thinking of heading to the police station to followup the call and let them hear what I heard.
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BarbBrooklyn - by the way, with regards to the HIPAA, wife has REFUSED to allow her to be on it and also her brother (son of the abused). She wants ALL control.

She's also a major narcissist so for anyone familiar with that, you will understand even more clearly what we're dealing with.
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The fact that APS is closing the case is an indication that the gentlemen in question is telling them that everything is fine.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and discuss this problem with them and how to proceed. I'd also call the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association and talk to them.

Have your girlfriend sent a short, bulleted list of these problems to the physician, return receipt requested. Has she retained an attorney for guardianship? I would cc the lawyer ( or any lawyer) on the letter.
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rovana Mar 2019
Have you heard about the case in California where a kid got up the courage to report he was being abused.  Social workers came out, interviewed him in his home (family there) - did nothing and the kid was murdered!  Obviously, an abused person is going to say that everything is dandy when the abuser is there!
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Understood, about the return receipt. Good idea. No concern (as far as I'm aware) from neighbors. She owns the commercial lot on one side of us and the other side is a veterinarian so, not really much in the way of neighbors. She pretty much keeps to herself, doesn't want anyone in the house (probably because she hasn't taken her dog outside in about 2 years, lets her do her business all over the house).

About elected officials, I did just find contact info for the Executive Office of Elder Affairs. APS absolutely has not responded. Or rather, it's a case of, "There's nothing we can do" because he declined their starting an investigation. (Then again, would YOU claim there's abuse happening with the abuser standing right next to you?)
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Jada824 Mar 2019
I too have found that APS does absolutely nothing after repeated calls to them. I even went there & sat down with them for over an hour & they told me it was clear my 96 year old mother was being manipulated & said to get a lawyer. What does APS actually do then if they don't act with abuse & manipulations of the elderly?
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You have actual recordings of this woman verbally and physically assaulting her elderly, demented husband?

Call the police. Preferably, have a plan for what happens if they arrest her - APS should step in then but he will need support and reassurance from people he knows.
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gladimhere Mar 2019
But DO NOT clean up that tape. I know you already did to enhance the sound. Now it very well could be considered tampered with. Do you still have the original?
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Jada824 - Oh completely it's a control thing. As a matter of fact, my gf told me just today that crazy lady is cutting off contact with many of his family. Even today she refused to answer my gf's call until she texted and threatened to call for a well check. This is the week of making things happen starting with calls around for lawyers.
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Jada824 Mar 2019
I know because my sibling is doing this to me. He has POA & my mom is almost 97 with diminished mental capacity & he is manipulating & controlling all her actions. He hasn't let me speak to her or see her for over 1 1/2 years & he had her change her trust to him & his kids only removing myself & my kids the way she had it originally set up years ago. The police & APS do nothing at all!
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May I ask what State you live in?

Notifying the physician by letter with a receipt will force action.

I'd keep calling the police.
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Be a squeeky wheel. Call the cops everytime she gets started on him. Call APS everyday. Ask that they take him out of the house to a hospital to be examined and blood tests done to prove he is not being cared for. Also, a head to foot exam. This woman has a mental problem. Document everything day and time. If you suspect she is allowing the dog to go in the house then call the health department. Might be a good idea because his health is in jeopardy.

As his POA its her responsibility that she sees to his heath too.
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Clarification, the day his sugar was 250 and pasta was sent for dinner, she had failed to send his insulin with it. So that makes a bad combo.
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