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Fifteen years ago my dad was involved with a huge money scam in which he lost approximately $4 million. The scam went on for 10 years. The scammers were impersonating different people. Some of the suspects were caught, however, he never recouped any of his 4 million. My mom warned him that it was all a scam. She begged him to stop but all he did was yell at her and tell her that she didn't know anything. Over the course of seven years, he mortgaged their home twice, mortgaged their 4,000 sq, ft. commercial office building, and cashed out all of his retirement savings in addition to selling his cemetery plot! After he gave them all of their money and had none left, he resorted to asking to borrow money from his employees, business community leaders, family, etc. My Mom got wise and opened up a separate savings account because they were headed toward losing everything. his employees for money. He would at times wire 50K to these people. He now lives on his social security and has five years left of payments he is receiving from the sale of his business to his son. If it hadn't been for my Mom they would be homeless. My Mom lost all respect for him due to his greed and cruelty toward her. Fast forward 10 years and I received a text from my Dad that was intended for someone else. That is how I found out he was having cyber sex with three different women, who I believe are one and the same. I confronted him and told him these people were probably men from Nigeria posing as women. He is involved with three different gold scams, two being inheritance scams involving gold bars. He has sent them gift cards and wired money to them because they have no money until they can get the gold out of the country of Mali. He has been trying to get her out of the country for 8 months. The latest story is that she was beaten and robbed, stealing the purse that had the $5,200 for her safe passage to Belgium. The stories are so far-fetched it's ridiculous. I have even shown him the exact same scam that happened to someone else but he still continues to send them money. He has even given them all of his personal information including his tax info containing his social security numbers. I told him with that info, they could sell his house right out from under him. His info will be resold and resold on the dark web. He has taken out so many cash advances that he is $39K in credit card debt. I wish I could prove to him they are fake. I even did a reverse google image and the pic he has does not match two of the women. He is living in a fantasy world and I don't know how to get him out of it. He is 85 years old. My Mom found out two years ago that he has been doing this. She still hopes he will one day stop. He is actively involved in his church and is quite good friends with the priest. How he can go to church and come home and do his phone sex with these whoever they are is beyond me. He tells (texts them everything. They send videos and pics of each other that my Mom has seen on his phone. He gets sloppy and leaves his phone unattended and she looks to see what he writes to them. It's utterly disgusting the things he writes to them. How can I convince him that these people are a bunch of scammers that make up stories to steal his money?

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You are asking how to convince a man who's given away over $4 MILLION dollars already that he's being scammed? Yeah, not gonna happen. He's either mentally ill or suffering from advanced dementia or a bit of both, and needs medical attention and to be deemed incompetent. At that point, you can take away his credit cards and access to money, and your mother or you as his acting POA and/or guardian can be in charge of his finances; something that should have happened long long ago, before he gave away the family fortune to scammers.

In the meantime, don't ask a priest for advice in such matters b/c 'praying' for a miracle hasn't worked so far and isn't likely TO work in this case. This is why medication is available and doctors have long waiting lists: because once a spouse becomes THIS insane and aggressive to boot, it's time to ditch the priest as a counselor and hire a psychiatrist, a neurologist and a divorce attorney. Before your mother is totally destitute and/or in the hospital b/c she's touched his precious phone once too often and riled him up to where he's beaten her senseless.

Your father is a very sick man and needs a lot of medical attention, and for someone to get guardianship over him before he wreaks even MORE havoc & chaos than he already has. Take the 'religion' OUT of this equation entirely now and see this for what it is: a very sick man who's been allowed to wreak havoc for 2 decades already and who needs to be stopped NOW.
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RU2Fedup Oct 2022
Thanks for your reply. I agree he is a very sick man. I have mentioned to my mother the POA avenue, however, I think he would go ballistic and totally lose it if that were to occur. I realize that he will never stop. He will not seek help because he a narcissist an thinks he is in the right although I do believe he is aware that what he is doing is wrong. He just doesn’t care. He has lwaus been n extremely selfish man.
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If your mother is a committed Catholic, the actual words of the Bible probably don’t matter much. Most congregations (including Protestants) get selected snippets in Church, not the full thing. However, for what it’s worth, I read that the Deuteronomy divorce terms only apply to men: “the divorce was always from first to last, in Jewish law, the husband's act." "The common term used in the Bible for divorce is shilluach 'ishshah, 'the sending away of a wife' (Deuteronomy 22:19,29). We never read of 'the sending away of a husband'. The feminine term 'gerushah', 'the woman thrust out', is the term applied to a divorced woman”.

Jesus’ own comments on divorce (once again using Jewish law for a male right) came at a time when divorcing a wife usually meant her destitution or prostitution. It was intended to protect women, not to ‘enslave’ them.

Does your mother (and the rest of us) really need to live under the rules of communities that we would now consider totally outdated? We now care about women’s rights and we have a pension system as well as employment options.
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RU2Fedup Oct 2022
Thank you for your reply. Difficult to change one’s beliefs. She is old school Catholic.
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Another angle, although a more dishonest one..

Scam half (or more) of his funds into your Mom's name.
Leave the bills in his name.

Would Mom agree to an emergency *Go Plan*? A phone paid for, a bah packed, a safe place to go stay & the means to get there (drive/taxi) in an emergency?

A safety plan is sometimes needed if there is a risk of physical agression. When dealing with the very unreasonable - mentally ill or those with dementia/cognitive impairments.

By the way, IS there any vascular dementia or other cog impairment here?
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RU2Fedup Oct 2022
No dementia an no cognitive dementia. He is just a selfish man. He used to be an electrician in his younger days and is currentlydoing side jobs to supplement his income so he can send money to these people. He’s 85 and crawling around in attics to wire ceiling fans!
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Just don't give your dad any money. Maybe his doctor can give him a pill to chemically castrate him so he stops his sex addiction. Your mom is nuts to stay married to him all these years.

And if i was mom his phone would accidentally find itself soaking wet and ruined in short order.
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DuckNorris Oct 2022
He has been aggressive toward my Mom even pushing her to the wall when he saw her looking at his phone. Taking away his money, not sure what he would do. She has been married to him since she was sixteen years old. It's easy for us to say "just divorce him". She is Catholic. Divorce is frowned upon and marriages are considered unbreakable unions.
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Not to my knowledge. Good suggestion. Thanks
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He has chosen this choice of behavior over a deserving life with your mother. He has completely disrespected her as well as working to impoverish her with this selfish addiction. Perhaps a priest might provide some guidance but it's too bad that didn't happen much earlier. I don't see why your mother would want to remain with someone who has engaged in such vile behavior which has also taken precedence over any concern for her well being.

As his daughter I would find it hard to want a relationship with a father who has created such financial and emotional destruction over a considerable amount of time. Ask yourself if he has ever been known to exhibit any nurturing behavior.

People can overcome addictions but they have to want to. He doesn't seem so inclined. He has created such heartache. How much longer do you want to live with this?
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DuckNorris Oct 2022
My Mom did consult the priest of her church and he basically told her to keep praying for him and have hope that he will one day change his behavior. I'm so tired of it all, and no, he has never exhibited any nurturing behavior. He never once went to any of my sporting events or his grandchildren's sporting events. He rarely attended their birthday parties when they were young and didn't even attend my son's college graduation and the college is only 20 minutes away.
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Forget dad he is already to far gone. You should tell mom to divorce him and take what is left. What a stupid and foolish old man. He sounds just like my loser FIL who did something similar albeit with a lot less money.
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RU2Fedup Oct 2022
I wish she would leave him but she hasn’t reached that point but I do believe she will soon have had enough. I even said I would live with her so she wouldn’t be alone. I think change and being alone is the Readon she stays in the relationship which doesn’t make sense because all they do is coexist. They will go all day without saying a word to each other. He will
leave the house without saying a word to her but if she takes off without a word to him, he wants to know where she went to and usually starts out his text to her with. “I know you hate me” but can you at least let me know where you are going. I believe he doesn’t care he just wants to see how much time has to do his crap before she gets back home.
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You wrote ‘my Mom lost all respect for him due to his greed and cruelty toward her’. Then ‘she still hopes he will one day stop’. Not all of us have OK fathers or OK husbands. Talk to the priest to ask him not to pull the ‘better or worse’ line on your mother. Talk to Mom about what is her best option, then prop her up and cut yourself off from your father. He’s not worth keeping. Mine wasn't either, you are not alone.
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DuckNorris Oct 2022
I did ask the priest to talk to my Mom He told her to have faith that he may one day see the light and to keep praying for him.
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Yikes. This is incurable, I believe. Can your mom seek separation or divorce with the object being to save enough of their assets for her to live on? Surely he could be declared incompetent by the courts with someone (hopefully you) managing the funds and everything else? Also you might talk to the priest, who should be informed so that he doesn’t have a heart attack when your dad shows up in the confessional. Maybe the priest could at least inform him of the sins he’s committed and get to him that way, though it probably won’t do any good. This is something for Dr. Phil and his catfish exposes. Find a lawyer who will guide you through the process of getting dad declared a complete idiot and get money saved from the Mail Mafia. Then hide the money far from dad. Then maybe you’ll have less chance of supporting those cute lil cute little girls
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DuckNorris Oct 2022
My Dad confided something to the priest as he (the priest) wanted to talk to my Mom. I don't believe he is aware of the cybersex, only the part where he is giving money to the scammers.
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You can't, and you shouldn't bother trying to get him to stop.

Your main concern should be your mother, and protecting what's left of the assets by making them inaccessible to dad.
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You can't.

Has your dad had a workup by a neuropsychologist for dementia? Not a quick test that they do at the GPs office. Real, 3 hour pencil and paper testing that looks at cognitive abilities, judgement and planning, among other things.
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